Joke!!!

Casual discussion amongst spiritual friends.
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Kim OHara
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by Kim OHara » Fri Jan 02, 2015 6:16 am

How Did You Die in Your Past Life?
http://www.playbuzz.com/gregs/how-did-y ... -past-life
from Facebook, which tells you all you really need to know ... :thinking:

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Pondera
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by Pondera » Sat Jan 24, 2015 3:30 am

Upon rising from meditation for over 40 minutes, I brought my right leg out of a half lotus posture only to find that it had attained the total cessation of perception and feeling.

Just the right leg. Dead limp from the knee down. It Felt goooood. 8-)
A wise man once asked an audience, "why do the ignorant shrug their shoulders?"

No one in the audience knew. They shrugged their shoulders, however the wise man only laughed and shook his head. He didn't explain any further.

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Mkoll
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by Mkoll » Sat Jan 24, 2015 4:30 am

Pondera wrote:Upon rising from meditation for over 40 minutes, I brought my right leg out of a half lotus posture only to find that it had attained the total cessation of perception and feeling.

Just the right leg. Dead limp from the knee down. It Felt goooood. 8-)
Then doesn't it feel all prickly and hot as the blood rushes back in? That's how it is for me - quite uncomfortable.

~~~
robertk wrote:
Excellent! I'll have to share that. :lol:

~~~

Gotta add some gamer jokes!


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Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa
Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa
Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa

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Pondera
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by Pondera » Sat Jan 24, 2015 6:48 pm

Mkoll wrote:
Pondéra wrote: Just the right leg. Dead limp from the knee down. It Felt goooood. 8-)
Then doesn't it feel all prickly and hot as the blood rushes back in? That's how it is for me - quite uncomfortable.
Oh, yes. For me as well. Slightly disturbing and uncomfortable.
A wise man once asked an audience, "why do the ignorant shrug their shoulders?"

No one in the audience knew. They shrugged their shoulders, however the wise man only laughed and shook his head. He didn't explain any further.

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robertk
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by robertk » Sun Jan 25, 2015 7:53 pm

Ron was stopped by the police around 2 a.m.
He was asked where he was going at that time of night.

Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse & the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking & staying out late."

The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

Ron replied, "That would be my wife."

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robertk
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by robertk » Wed Feb 04, 2015 6:36 am

Why did God make mothers?
These are answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in
the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use
string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get
drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to
chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world and my mom eats a lot
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof
ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspe ction. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home a nd dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause
at's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time,
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bill s all day

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of
Plastic surgery
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid
of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who
did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

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robertk
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by robertk » Wed Feb 04, 2015 6:45 am

The Praying Parrots

A lady approaches her priest and tells him 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.'

"What do they say?' the priest inquired.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to have some fun?''

"That's terrible!' the priest exclaimed, 'but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn the joys of praise and worship.'

"Thank you!' the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding the rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say 'Hi we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?'

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Well, finally... our prayers have been answered!"

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DNS
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by DNS » Wed Feb 25, 2015 12:34 am

Some fun facts

1. You can't wash your eyes with soap.
2. You can't count your hair.
3. You can't breathe through your nose, with your tongue out.
4. You just tried number 3.
6. When you did number 3 you realized it's possible, only you look like a dog.
7. You're smiling right now, because you were fooled.
8. You skipped number 5.
9. You just checked to see if there is a number 5.

SarathW
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by SarathW » Wed Feb 25, 2015 12:49 am

Congratulations!
You got all the supernormal powers.
You just read my mind.
:twothumbsup:
“As the lamp consumes oil, the path realises Nibbana”

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Mkoll
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by Mkoll » Wed Feb 25, 2015 1:06 am

:rofl:

Good one David!
Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa
Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa
Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa

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DNS
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by DNS » Wed Feb 25, 2015 4:42 pm

A priest and a cab driver arrive at the Pearly Gates at the same time. St. Peter immediately ushers the cab driver into heaven and tells the priest to have a seat and wait.

The priest says "what is going on, I have been praying almost all my life, leading congregations and I am told to wait here while the cab driver is brought in; what is going on?"

St. Peter replies, "when you prayed [sermons], everyone slept; when the cab driver drove, everyone prayed."

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ryanM
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by ryanM » Thu Feb 26, 2015 4:55 pm

Some fun facts

1. You can't wash your eyes with soap.
2. You can't count your hair.
3. You can't breathe through your nose, with your tongue out.
4. You just tried number 3.
6. When you did number 3 you realized it's possible, only you look like a dog.
7. You're smiling right now, because you were fooled.
8. You skipped number 5.
9. You just checked to see if there is a number 5.
I tried number 3 in my university's library :tongue:
sabbe dhammā nālaṃ abhinivesāya

"nothing whatsoever should be clung to"

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DNS
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by DNS » Thu Feb 26, 2015 7:08 pm

A priest, minister, and rabbi are discussing when life begins . . .

The priest insists it is at conception.
The minister states that the soul does not 'enter' the fetus until around viability around the second to third trimester.
The rabbi says, "you guys are all wrong; life begins when the kids leave home and the dog dies."


(couldn't resist considering the heated debate on abortion currently underway)

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robertk
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by robertk » Wed Mar 18, 2015 7:15 pm

At one time in my life, I thought I had a handle on the meaning of the word "service."

"It's the act of doing things for other people."

Then I heard these terms which reference the word service:

Internal Revenue Service
Postal Service
Telephone Service



Then I became confused about the word "service." This is not what I thought "service" meant.

So today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "service" a few of his cows. It all came into perspective. Now I understand what all those "service" agencies are doing to us.

I hope you now are as enlightened as I am.

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robertk
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by robertk » Thu Apr 02, 2015 8:45 am

Aphorisms

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humour you probably don't have any sense at all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
9. Stroke a cat and you will have a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy who wants to buy a car.
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a.m - for example, it could be the right number.
13. No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
14. I've reached the age where 'happy hour' is a nap.
15. Be careful about reading the fine print - there's no way you're going to like it.
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
17. Do you realize that, in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

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Kim OHara
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by Kim OHara » Thu Apr 02, 2015 11:09 am

robertk wrote:8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
I haven't got an answer to this but I have noticed it's true.
:shrug:

Kim

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Kim OHara
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by Kim OHara » Thu Apr 02, 2015 11:11 am

I'm sharing this a day late, but does that matter?
TasTiger.jpg
TasTiger.jpg (265.61 KiB) Viewed 2002 times
Discover Tasmania
Check this out!! Incredible sighting of the elusive Tasmanian tiger on Fooles Bend in Tassie's remote South West!
Long thought to be extinct, a small population of tigers has recently emerged from hibernation. #DiscoverTasmania (Image: Jess Turr)

sattva
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by sattva » Thu Apr 02, 2015 6:16 pm

robertk wrote:Why did God make mothers?
These are answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in
the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use
string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get
drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to
chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world and my mom eats a lot
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof
ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspe ction. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home a nd dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause
at's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time,
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bill s all day

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of
Plastic surgery
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your Mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid
of that.
2. I'd make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who
did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

Some good ones here! :jumping:

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Kim OHara
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Joined: Wed Dec 09, 2009 5:47 am
Location: North Queensland, Australia

Re: Joke!!!

Post by Kim OHara » Wed Apr 08, 2015 4:53 am

Michael Leunig is (in my estimation) one of Australia's Living National Treasures. If you like this one, you can find more of his work at https://www.facebook.com/MichaelLeunigAppreciationPage. Other places, too, but 'liking' that page gives you a steady flow of them into your newsfeed, brightening every day.
Attachments
Leunig-finding-happiness.jpg
Leunig-finding-happiness.jpg (92.77 KiB) Viewed 1958 times

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robertk
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by robertk » Wed Apr 08, 2015 8:47 pm

Some Famous Insults

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." -- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." – Groucho Marx

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -- Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." – Oscar Wilde

"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend... If you have one." -- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill... followed by Churchill's response: "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second, if there is one."

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -- Stephen Bishop

"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -- John Bright

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -- Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." -- Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -- Paul Keating

"He had delusions of adequacy." -- Walter Kerr

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" -- Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -- Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -- Oscar Wilde

Lady Astor once remarked to Winston Churchill at a dinner party, "Winston, if you were my husband, I would poison your coffee!" To which Winston replied, "Madam, if I were your husband I would gladly drink it!"

And, of course, the famous postcard: "Everything is here, wish you were fine..." -- Anon

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