Joke!!!

Casual discussion amongst spiritual friends.
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cooran
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran » Tue Nov 02, 2010 6:03 am

For those who didn't do so well in their Melbourne Cup Sweep in Oz:

A horse was looking over the fence at some blokes playing a Cricket match..

"Any chance of a game?" he yells out to the captain of the team...

At first the captain thought he was hearing things, but the horse insisted and said that it was keen to play...The captain laughed to himself and decided to let the horse play..Just for the surprise on the other fellas faces...

The horse goes into bat...A big six over the fence...Second Ball...Six...Third ball..Six and this went on for the whole over..Then the over went to the opposite end...

The Captain hit the ball for a run...BUT the Horse just stood there...The captain yelled out to the horse..."RUN...RUN.." but the horse just stood there...AND the Captain was RUN OUT...

"Why didn't you run?" said the captain angrily..

"Listen mate," said the horse.."If I could run, I would be at the Racetrack today and not messing around playing Cricket!"
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---

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cooran
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran » Tue Nov 09, 2010 8:20 pm

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.



'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you ?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiller, Jesus.'
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---

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Fede
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by Fede » Tue Nov 09, 2010 9:33 pm

Two old ladies are sitting in their rocking chairs, jawing and passin' the time of day.
One turns to the other, and says, "Y'know Betty, y're gonna think me a foolish ol' gal, but I decided to have me some bit of cosmetic surgery done...I'm gonna have a boob job, cuz I'm tired of 'em banging 'gainst mah waist all the time...."

Betty replies,
"Durn it Ethel, I ain't payin' no mind to yer. Matter of fact, I'm thinkin' of doing something radical mah-self. I read about it in one of them noo fancy beewty magazines. I'm gonna have my azzole bleached!"

After a moment's silence, Ethel replies,
"'S Funny Betty, but I don't see your husband as a blond".....


~* ~* ~* ~* ~* ~* ~* ~* ~* ~* ~*


The annual Taxman's visit to the local Synagogue comes round again.
This poor guy is so frustrated.
Mindful of how careful, wise and calculating Jewish people are reputed to be, when it comes to money, he is naturally more eager than most, to find a flaw in their book-keeping. Anything in fact, which would mean a great big tax penalty...
So, he peruses and scrutinises every single page, every single entry, for anything - anything - that might prove them wrong, and net him a few dollars for the IRS.

He carefully runs his finger along every line, until -
"Aha! Look here! Your candles! why the free box of candles? Huh? HUH??"

"Well" the rabbi folds his hands together, and calmly and quietly explains, "we gather up every bit of dripped wax, every bit that goes onto the cloth, the candlesticks, everywhere, and we send the whole lot, in a box, back to the candle supplier. It's all right there. All this spent wax is sufficient to create a whole box of new candles,and every year, they send us a new one".
*damn!* thinks the Inspector, but says nothing.

he carries on checking.
"Aha! Look here! Your Challah bread! Why the free box of bread? Huh? HUH??"
"Well" the rabbi folds his hands together, and calmly and quietly explains, "we gather up every bit of crumb, every bit that goes onto the cloth, dishes, the seats, everywhere, and we send the whole lot, in a box, back to the Challah supplier. It's all right there. All these breadcrumbs are sufficient to create a whole box of new Challah dumplings, and every year, they send us a new one".
*damn!* thinks the Inspector, but says nothing.

Then, he hits upon an ingenious plan.

"Aha! Look here! Your circumcisions! What do you do with all those little bits of spare skin, Huh? HUH?? Tell me that!" he sits back triumphantly.

"Well" the rabbi folds his hands together, and calmly and quietly explains, "we gather up every bit of skin, every bit that goes onto the cloth, the swab, the table, everywhere, and we send the whole lot, in a box, back to the IRS office. It's all right there. All these skins are sufficient to create a real dickhead, and every year, they send us a new one".
"Samsara: The human condition's heartbreaking inability to sustain contentment." Elizabeth Gilbert, 'Eat, Pray, Love'.

Simplify: 17 into 1 WILL go: Mindfulness!

Quieta movere magna merces videbatur. (Sallust, c.86-c.35 BC)
Translation: Just to stir things up seemed a good reward in itself. ;)

I am sooooo happy - How on earth could I be otherwise?! :D


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cooran
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran » Thu Nov 11, 2010 6:59 am

Not really jokes, but a small collection of short essays from little kids in London - posted elsewhere.......................

1.HELICOPTERS. Helicopters are smarterer than planes. Not only can they fly through the air, they can also hoover.

2.RELIGION. I asked Mum why they say old men at the end of prayers at skool. I don't know any old men apart from my grandpa.

3.NATURE. Crabs and similar creatures belong to a family of crushed asians.

4.HISTORY. Sir Walter Raleigh cercumcised the world with a big clipper.

Joan of Ark was burnt as a steak.

5.FAMILY. If you marry two people you are a pigamist. But morons are allowed to do this.

6.WAR. Sometimes in war they take prisoners and keep them as ostriges until war is over. But some prisoners end up in consterpation camps.

In wartime children had to be evaporated because it was safer in the country.
============================================================
A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams and so on it goes.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."

"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."
============================================================
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---

Laurens
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by Laurens » Thu Nov 11, 2010 10:14 pm

Did you hear that Jonathan Ross got caught stealing kitchen utensils?

When asked why he did it, in a recent interview he replied: "I just like taking whisks".

[this will fail if you don't know who Jonathan Ross is]
"If only it were all so simple! If only there were evil people somewhere insidiously committing evil deeds, and it were necessary only to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them. But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being. And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?"

Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn

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cooran
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran » Fri Nov 12, 2010 7:46 am

Most of the World economies bar Australia, Germany, China, South Korea and Japan have crashed in recent times, however in the last forty eight hours uncertainty has now hit Japan......................

In the last 6 hours Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank has announced plans to cut some of it's branches.

Yesterday it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

Samurai Bank is soldiering on, following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

Furthermore 2500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, where it is feared staff may get a raw deal.
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---

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tiltbillings
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by tiltbillings » Fri Nov 12, 2010 8:08 am

.
Attachments
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>> Do you see a man wise [enlightened/ariya] in his own eyes? There is more hope for a fool than for him.<< -- Proverbs 26:12

This being is bound to samsara, kamma is his means for going beyond. -- SN I, 38.

“Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?” HPatDH p.723

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cooran
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran » Fri Nov 12, 2010 8:21 am

Three men were out on a hiking weekend when they came across a large violent raging river that they had to cross, but had no idea how to do it.

The first man prayed to God and asked for strength and stuff to cross the river and ' ** poof ** ' God gave him monster arms and legs and in two hours after almost drowning a few times he made it to the other side.

Tha second man also prayed and "** poof ** " God gave him a boat and in about 90 minutes after capsizing a few times he made it.

The third man prayed even harder and God went " ** poof ** " and turned him into a woman. She looked at the map and walked upstream 200 metres and walked across the bridge
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---

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Kim OHara
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Location: North Queensland, Australia

Re: Joke!!!

Post by Kim OHara » Fri Nov 12, 2010 9:46 am

cooran wrote:Three men were out on a hiking weekend when they came across a large violent raging river that they had to cross, but had no idea how to do it.

The first man prayed to God and asked for strength and stuff to cross the river and ' ** poof ** ' God gave him monster arms and legs and in two hours after almost drowning a few times he made it to the other side.

Tha second man also prayed and "** poof ** " God gave him a boat and in about 90 minutes after capsizing a few times he made it.

The third man prayed even harder and God went " ** poof ** " and turned him into a woman. She looked at the map and walked upstream 200 metres and walked across the bridge
She obviously wasn't blonde.

Kim

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cooran
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran » Fri Nov 12, 2010 10:02 pm

Its the start of the holiday season in a small town on the south coast of France , but its raining, so there is not too much business happening.

Everyone is heavily in debt.

Luckily a rich Russian tourist arrives in the foyer of the small local hotel. He asks for a room and puts a 100 euro note on the reception counter, takes a key and goes to inspect the room located up the stairs on the top floor.

The owner takes the 100 euro note in a hurry and rushes to his meat supplier to whom he owes 100 euros.

The butcher takes the money to his wholesaler to pay his debt.

The wholesaler rushes to the farmer to pay for some pigs he bought a while ago.

The farmer happily gives the 100 euro note to the local prostitute who gave him her services on credit.

The pro goes quickly to the hotel, as she owed the hotel for her hourly room use to entertain clients and lays the 100 euros on the counter.

At that moment the rich Russian returns from upstairs to reception and informs the owner that the proposed room is unsatisfactory to his tastes and takes his 100 euros back and departs.

There was no profit or income. But everyone was no longer in debt and the small townspeople look optimistically towards their future.
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---

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cooran
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Joined: Tue Jan 06, 2009 11:32 pm
Location: Queensland, Australia

Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran » Sun Nov 14, 2010 7:12 am

A copper pulled over a motorist on the freeway.

Get out of the car please Sir, said the cop, and step to the rear of the vehicle.

The driver got out of the car and followed the cop around to the back of the car.

Sir, said the copper, your rear tail-light is out.
Oh ...MY..GOD...screamed the driver. Oh, No, this is terrible. OH ..LORD
I dont believe it, ..What am I going to do?
Then he threw himself on the ground.

Settle down Sir, said the cop, its only a tail-light!

Bugger the tail-light, said the driver....Where's my bloody caravan !!
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---

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Hanzze
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by Hanzze » Sun Nov 14, 2010 10:04 am

"We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires."
by Dave Barry
Just that! *smile*
...We Buddhists must find the courage to leave our temples and enter the temples of human experience, temples that are filled with suffering. If we listen to Buddha, Christ, or Gandhi, we can do nothing else. The refugee camps, the prisons, the ghettos, and the battlefields will become our temples. We have so much work to do. ... Peace is Possible! Step by Step. - Samtach Preah Maha Ghosananda "Step by Step" http://www.ghosananda.org/bio_book.html

BUT! it is important to become a real Buddhist first. Like Punna did: Punna Sutta Nate sante baram sokham _()_

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Ben
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by Ben » Sun Nov 14, 2010 10:06 am

cooran wrote:Where's my bloody caravan !!
I don't know. Where is it?
“No lists of things to be done. The day providential to itself. The hour. There is no later. This is later. All things of grace and beauty such that one holds them to one's heart have a common provenance in pain. Their birth in grief and ashes.”
- Cormac McCarthy, The Road

Learn this from the waters:
in mountain clefts and chasms,
loud gush the streamlets,
but great rivers flow silently.
- Sutta Nipata 3.725

Compassionate Hands Foundation (Buddhist aid in Myanmar) • Buddhist Global ReliefUNHCR

e: ben.dhammawheel@gmail.com..

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Fede
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by Fede » Mon Nov 15, 2010 12:09 am

tiltbillings wrote:*see cartoon in post*
Very funny in a subtle way....
cooran wrote:Its the start of the holiday season in a small town on the south coast of France , but its raining, so there is not too much business happening.

Everyone is heavily in debt.

Luckily a rich Russian tourist arrives in the foyer of the small local hotel. He asks for a room and puts a 100 euro note on the reception counter, takes a key and goes to inspect the room located up the stairs on the top floor.

The owner takes the 100 euro note in a hurry and rushes to his meat supplier to whom he owes 100 euros.

The butcher takes the money to his wholesaler to pay his debt.

The wholesaler rushes to the farmer to pay for some pigs he bought a while ago.

The farmer happily gives the 100 euro note to the local prostitute who gave him her services on credit.

The pro goes quickly to the hotel, as she owed the hotel for her hourly room use to entertain clients and lays the 100 euros on the counter.

At that moment the rich Russian returns from upstairs to reception and informs the owner that the proposed room is unsatisfactory to his tastes and takes his 100 euros back and departs.

There was no profit or income. But everyone was no longer in debt and the small townspeople look optimistically towards their future.
How to solve the Global economic crisis in a few easy steps....
Brilliant....
"Samsara: The human condition's heartbreaking inability to sustain contentment." Elizabeth Gilbert, 'Eat, Pray, Love'.

Simplify: 17 into 1 WILL go: Mindfulness!

Quieta movere magna merces videbatur. (Sallust, c.86-c.35 BC)
Translation: Just to stir things up seemed a good reward in itself. ;)

I am sooooo happy - How on earth could I be otherwise?! :D


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cooran
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran » Mon Nov 15, 2010 8:42 am

First Christmas Joke.

Three men died on Christmas eve and were met by St Peter at the Pearly
Gates.

'In honour of this holy season' , Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess
something that symbolizes Christmas to get into Heaven.'

The first man rumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the Pearly Gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man rached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He
shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the Pearly Gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked: 'And just
what do those symbolize?'

The man replied, 'They're 'Carol's.'

And So The Christmas season begins...... Bah-Humbug!!!
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---

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