Joke!!!

Casual discussion amongst spiritual friends.
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Ben
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by Ben » Sun Oct 03, 2010 10:50 pm

Great jokes, Chris!
“No lists of things to be done. The day providential to itself. The hour. There is no later. This is later. All things of grace and beauty such that one holds them to one's heart have a common provenance in pain. Their birth in grief and ashes.”
- Cormac McCarthy, The Road

Learn this from the waters:
in mountain clefts and chasms,
loud gush the streamlets,
but great rivers flow silently.
- Sutta Nipata 3.725

Compassionate Hands Foundation (Buddhist aid in Myanmar) • Buddhist Global ReliefUNHCR

e: ben.dhammawheel@gmail.com..

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cooran
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran » Thu Oct 07, 2010 7:55 am

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 2kg potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 5kg potato bags.

Then try 25kg potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 50kg potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
(I'm at this level.)


After you feel confident at that level, start putting a potato in each bag.
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---

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Tex
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by Tex » Thu Oct 07, 2010 4:26 pm

Q. Why are there so few Buddhist rhythm and blues bands?

A. Because Buddhists don't have any soul.
"To reach beyond fear and danger we must sharpen and widen our vision. We have to pierce through the deceptions that lull us into a comfortable complacency, to take a straight look down into the depths of our existence, without turning away uneasily or running after distractions." -- Bhikkhu Bodhi

"No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river and he's not the same man." -- Heraclitus

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DNS
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by DNS » Thu Oct 07, 2010 7:49 pm

The CIA has an opening for a position and has narrowed the field down to three final prospects who are all women. They give them a test.

The first woman comes into the office and is told to go into the room next door. She is told to pick up the gun on the desk and shoot her husband who is sitting on the other side of the desk. The woman thinks about it and says, "no thank you, I cannot kill my husband."

They bring in the second woman and she also says, "no thank you, I cannot kill my husband."

The third woman is called in and she enters the room with her husband. Then there is all kinds of loud noises, banging, some screaming and then after about 5 minutes, she comes out of the room. The CIA interviewers ask, "what happened?" She replies:

"The gun only had blanks, so it took me a few minutes to bang him over the head with the gun and the chair, but I finally got him killed."

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cooran
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran » Fri Oct 08, 2010 8:54 am

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them and the maintenance man there. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers .. and then there are educators....
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---

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cooran
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran » Fri Oct 08, 2010 8:56 am

Where is this place?

A man and his wife were driving their Recreational Vehicle across the country and were nearing a town spelled Kissimee.
They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it - KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME.
They grew more perplexed as they drove into the town.
Since they were hungry, they pulled into a place to get something to eat.
At the counter, the man said to the waitress:
"My wife and I can't seem to be able to figure out how to pronounce this place. Will you tell me where we are and say it very slowly so that I can understand."

The waitress looked at him and said: "Buuurrrgerrr Kiiiinnnng."
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---

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cooran
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran » Fri Oct 08, 2010 8:58 am

An old lady went to the Supermarket to buy some Cat Food and when she got to the checkout, the Cashier said..
"I am sorry, I am unable to sell this to you, unless you can prove to me that you indeed do have a cat.
We have many complaints that elderly people are buying Cat Food for their own consumption, so we need proof you have a cat!"

The old lady went home..got her cat..and the Supermarket allowed her to purchase the Cat food..

The following week, the Old Lady wanted to purchase some Dog Food and was again told..
"Madam..We have been through this before..Unless you can truly prove you have a dog, we are unable to let you purchase this Dog Food!"

Back went the poor dear to get her dog and then they sold the food to her..

Now..A few weeks went by and the Old Lady returned to the shop with a small box in her hand.
She went up to the Cashier and asked her to put her finger in the little hole at the top..
"I am not putting my finger in there!" said the same cashier who had been serving her.."There might be a snake in there!"
"No, No..I wouldn't do anything to hurt you my dear!" said the Lady..
So the cashier put her finger in and when she pulled it out..The little Old Lady asked her to smell it...which she duly did...and then turned up her nose and said...
'It smells like faeces!" said the cashier...

"That is exactly what it is ...Now can I have 4 rolls of toilet paper?"
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---

Paññāsikhara
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by Paññāsikhara » Fri Oct 08, 2010 10:31 am

cooran wrote:The Australian Taxation Office decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to their office.

The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his lawyer.

...

'Not really,' says the lawyer. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

Don't Mess with Old People!
Chris, many years ago, starting from my last year at high school, I started writing my own joke book.
This joke, amongst the thousands that it soon contained, was probably one of my favorite jokes ever! (Though slightly different version.)
My recently moved Blog, containing some of my writings on the Buddha Dhamma, as well as a number of translations from classical Buddhist texts and modern authors, liturgy, etc.: Huifeng's Prajnacara Blog.

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Prasadachitta
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by Prasadachitta » Fri Oct 08, 2010 1:51 pm

'Not really,' says the lawyer. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

Don't Mess with Old People!

:rofl:
"Beautifully taught is the Lord's Dhamma, immediately apparent, timeless, of the nature of a personal invitation, progressive, to be attained by the wise, each for himself." Anguttara Nikaya V.332

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Vepacitta
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by Vepacitta » Sat Oct 09, 2010 6:05 pm

Why does it take Buddhists so long to vacuum a room?

Because they don't have any attachments.


:D

V.
I'm your friendly, neighbourhood Asura

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cooran
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran » Sat Oct 09, 2010 10:32 pm

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman says as she pops her eye back in place...

'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you,' she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.. She listens.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible! 'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'

'No,' she replies. . .

Wait for it.
It's coming. .
The suspense is killing you, isn't it?
:tongue:


She says:

'You just happened to catch my eye.'
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---

Sanghamitta
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by Sanghamitta » Mon Oct 11, 2010 10:12 am

gabrielbranbury wrote:
'Not really,' says the lawyer. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

Don't Mess with Old People!

:rofl:
:lol:
Some Jubu ( Jewish Buddhist ) jokes.

Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so hard ?

We all responsible for our present kamma. In your last life you never called. You never wrote your mother. And you are surprised you are having a bad time ?

You can go sit and figure out anatta...and what have you got ? Bupkis.

Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another matter.

With the first sip of tea, contentment. With the second sip of tea, peace. With the third sip of tea..a Danish.

You breath in...you breath out..you breath in..
Forget that and Enlightenment is the least of your problems.
The going for refuge is the door of entrance to the teachings of the Buddha.

Bhikku Bodhi.

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cooran
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran » Sat Oct 30, 2010 8:32 am

Rural Australian Computer Terminology - a bit of Aussie culcha

LOG ON: Adding wood to make the Barbie hotter.
LOG OFF: Not adding any more wood to the Barbie. (BBQ)
MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the Barbie.
DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the Ute.
HARD DRIVE: Making the trip back home without any cold tinnies.
KEYBOARD: Where you hang the Ute keys.
WINDOW: What you shut when the weather's cold.
SCREEN: What you shut in the mozzie season.
BYTE: What mozzies do.
MEGABYTE: What Townsville mozzies do.
CHIP: A bar snack.
MICROCHIP: What's left in the bag after you've eaten the chips.
MODEM: What you did to the lawns.
LAPTOP: Where the cat sleeps.
SOFTWARE: Plastic knives & forks you get at Red Rooster.
HARDWARE: Stainless steel knives & forks - from K-Mart.
MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the grain in the shed.
MAINFRAME: What holds the shed up.
WEB: What spiders make.
WEBSITE: Usually in the shed or under the verandah.
SEARCH ENGINE: What you do when the Ute won't go.
CURSOR: What you say when the Ute won't go.
YAHOO: What you say when the Ute does go.
UPGRADE: A steep hill.
SERVER: The person at the pub who brings out the counter lunch.
MAIL SERVER: The bloke at the pub who brings out the counterlunch.
USER: The neighbour who keeps borrowing things.
NETWORK: What you do when you need to repair the fishing net.
INTERNET: Where you want the fish to go.
NETSCAPE: What the fish do when they discover the hole in the net.
ONLINE: Where you hang the washing.
OFFLINE: Where the washing ends up when the pegs aren't strong enough.
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---

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Kim OHara
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by Kim OHara » Sun Oct 31, 2010 4:31 am

:smile:
:goodpost:

One tiny improvement:
MOUSE: The small rodent that eats the chook pellets in the shed.
One small grumble:
Why pick on Townsville? The further North you go, the bigger the mozzies get. Cairns is worse, Mossman worse still, and I don't think I *ever* want to go to Weipa :shock:

Kim

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cooran
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran » Sun Oct 31, 2010 7:36 am

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning..

The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'

Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'

Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says . 'HEBREWS'

=========================================================================================================
A plane was on its way to Melbourne when a blonde in Economy Class got up, moved to the First Class section and sat down.

The Flight attendant watched her do this and asked to see her ticket.

She then told the blonde passenger that she will have to return to her Economy seat.

The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"

The flight attendant went into the cockpit and told the pilot and co-pilot that there was a blonde bimbo sitting in First Class who belonged in Economy who wouldn't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot went back to the blonde and tried to explain that, because she only paid for Economy, she was only entitled to an Economy seat and she would have to return to her original seat.

The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Melbourne and I'm staying right here!"

Exasperated, the co-pilot told the pilot that it was no use and he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest the blonde, because she wouldn't listen to reason.

"You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde, so I can speak blonde!" said the pilot.

The pilot went back to the blonde, and whispered in her ear.

She said, "Oh I'm sorry - I had no idea", then got up and moved back to her seat in Economy.

The flight attendant and co-pilot were amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss.

The pilot replied, 'I told her, First Class isn't going to Melbourne."

(My apologies to all my beautiful Blonde friends) :tongue:
==================================================
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---

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