How to get over being wronged?

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dharmacorps
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Re: How to get over being wronged?

Post by dharmacorps » Thu Dec 28, 2017 6:18 pm

I had this problem some years ago when someone wronged me. I thought I was going to be consumed by anger. At the time what I did was do a meditation on forgiveness (in all directions), and listened to a recording of the Metta Sutta every day. That in addition to my usual sitting practice. I found it was very, very helpful.

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LG2V
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Re: How to get over being wronged?

Post by LG2V » Fri Dec 29, 2017 1:12 am

dharmacorps wrote:
Thu Dec 28, 2017 6:18 pm
I had this problem some years ago when someone wronged me. I thought I was going to be consumed by anger. At the time what I did was do a meditation on forgiveness (in all directions), and listened to a recording of the Metta Sutta every day. That in addition to my usual sitting practice. I found it was very, very helpful.
Thank you. I'll try the forgiveness meditation.
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binocular
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Re: How to get over being wronged?

Post by binocular » Fri Dec 29, 2017 7:07 am

LG2V wrote:
Thu Dec 28, 2017 5:58 am
How do you get over anger at being wronged by others?
There is also the obvious issue to consider: The effects of the past abuse still last. For example, you lent your car to your friend, he crashed it, but you're still paying for the car while he refuses to make any payments.
Every person we save is one less zombie to fight. -- World War Z

befriend
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Re: How to get over being wronged?

Post by befriend » Fri Dec 29, 2017 5:56 pm

There is the book of fives I think in the anguttara nikaya about ending resentment the first one is having metta for them the second compassion the third equanimity the fourth just disregarding or forgetting about them and the Fifth is to know all beings are owners of their kamma. The next section on resentment says if they have bad bodily conduct focus on their good verbal conduct etc... Something along those lines it's worth a read.
Take care of mindfulness and mindfulness will take care of you.

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LG2V
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Re: How to get over being wronged?

Post by LG2V » Fri Dec 29, 2017 8:01 pm

Thanks, everyone.

I talked with someone about it who really put things into perspective. I can see things with more equanimity now and accept that I made some mistakes and made some bad friends in the past, too. I can move on from people who've wronged me in the particular instance that I was most angry over, and I think that I can forgive myself for shouting at them about it. lol.

It's water under the bridge.
binocular wrote:
Fri Dec 29, 2017 7:07 am
There is also the obvious issue to consider: The effects of the past abuse still last. For example, you lent your car to your friend, he crashed it, but you're still paying for the car while he refuses to make any payments.
This is a good point. Fortunately, I think most of the lingering effects (save a few) are gone.

befriend wrote:
Fri Dec 29, 2017 5:56 pm
There is the book of fives I think in the anguttara nikaya about ending resentment the first one is having metta for them the second compassion the third equanimity the fourth just disregarding or forgetting about them and the Fifth is to know all beings are owners of their kamma. The next section on resentment says if they have bad bodily conduct focus on their good verbal conduct etc... Something along those lines it's worth a read.
Yes, I've seen it. I think that I will do more about this.
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http://freerice.comhttp://greatergood.com/www.ripple.orgwww.thenonprofits.com

JohnK
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Re: How to get over being wronged?

Post by JohnK » Fri Dec 29, 2017 8:22 pm

You've got a lot of good advice already.
Something else to try:
Really know the dukkha of the anger. Consider what you might be getting out of the process of recollecting and angering -- you are probably getting something out of it or you would just let it go. But is it worth it (the dukkha compared to whatever the short-term gratification is)? Make a commitment to engage in generous, helpful activities that gladden the mind; know the gladness compared to the dukkha; naturally gravitate to the more pleasurable.

There is a logic to the idea that resentment only hurts the one who resents, and that real compassion for oneself would lead one to forgive. But this is not so easy in practice. Personally, I have found that guided forgiveness meditation can be effective especially when I've been on retreat for a few days -- the heart being more open to both self-compassion and forgiveness.

My dad was taken advantage of as a kid, and he spent a lot of his life burdened by being on the lookout for it; other people were "ones who might take advantage" -- a lot of dukkha with that approach. Another approach: "big deal" if someone takes advantage (of what anyway?); better that than being obsessed/worried and giving oneself over to those who mistreated.
"...the practice is essentially a practice, and not a theory to be idly discussed...right view leaves unanswered many questions about the cosmos and the self, and directs your attention to what needs to be done to escape from the ravages of suffering." Thanissaro Bhikkhu, On The Path.

binocular
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Re: How to get over being wronged?

Post by binocular » Sat Dec 30, 2017 10:15 am

LG2V wrote:
Fri Dec 29, 2017 8:01 pm
I can see things with more equanimity now and accept that I made some mistakes and made some bad friends in the past, too.
If you close your eyes and just walk, and fall into a manhole and break a few bones -- who is to blame ...
Again, I think it comes down to coming to terms with living in a dangerous, or at least crappy world. Of course, since the world is not entirely dangerous or crappy, and there are safe, good places, it's so much more difficult to make sense of it and figure out how to behave in it.
Every person we save is one less zombie to fight. -- World War Z

binocular
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Re: How to get over being wronged?

Post by binocular » Sat Dec 30, 2017 10:22 am

JohnK wrote:
Fri Dec 29, 2017 8:22 pm
Really know the dukkha of the anger. Consider what you might be getting out of the process of recollecting and angering -- you are probably getting something out of it or you would just let it go.
I would add that whatever positive things that one does get out of the anger and resentment, one should find ways to cultivate those good things in more wholesome ways.
For example, anger can give one a sense of strength, determination, moral righteousness. Which are positive things. But one doesn't have to be angry in order to cultivate them.

Also, in anger, there may be some things that one values, but which may actually be problematic. For example, anger gives one a strong feeling of pride and deeming oneself better than others.
Every person we save is one less zombie to fight. -- World War Z

JohnK
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Re: How to get over being wronged?

Post by JohnK » Sat Dec 30, 2017 6:18 pm

Another way to think about it in case it is helpful:
As Thanissaro Bhikkhu says "Put Wisdom in charge." One of your "committee members" is attached to this resentment -- don't let that one be in charge. That one is getting something out of it (perhaps its existence is dependent upon the replaying of the resentment). Wisdom/discernment knows that indulging that committee member is not the path. Put wisdom in charge.
Perhaps "easier said than done" -- but you never know which analogy will be helpful.
Best wishes on the path.
[Edit: If Wisdom is in charge of the "meeting," when the resentment member starts taking over the meeting with his stories, wisdom can tell him he is "out of order" (or perhaps use some other smart committee chairperson strategy).]
"...the practice is essentially a practice, and not a theory to be idly discussed...right view leaves unanswered many questions about the cosmos and the self, and directs your attention to what needs to be done to escape from the ravages of suffering." Thanissaro Bhikkhu, On The Path.

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Mkoll
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Re: How to get over being wronged?

Post by Mkoll » Sun Dec 31, 2017 3:29 pm

How to get over being wronged?
Keep cultivating the brahmavirahas. Reflecting on envy, conceit, restlessness, etc. is helpful---the Abdhidhamma and commentaries are a good resource to flesh our your reflections.
Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa
Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa
Namo tassa bhagavato arahato samma sambuddhassa

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Sea Turtle
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Re: How to get over being wronged?

Post by Sea Turtle » Sun Dec 31, 2017 11:24 pm

Dhammanando wrote:
Thu Dec 28, 2017 7:26 am
Khaṇikattā ca dhammānaṃ, yehi khandhehi te kataṃ,
Amanāpaṃ niruddhā te, kassa dānīdha kujjhasi.


"Since dhammas last but a moment’s time
Those aggregates, by which was done
The odious act, have ceased; so here and now
What [or with whom] are you angry?"

https://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/aut ... on2011.pdf
Thank you for drawing attention to this, Ven. Dhammanando. Very helpful.

:anjali:

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LG2V
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Re: How to get over being wronged?

Post by LG2V » Mon Jan 01, 2018 8:50 pm

Thanks guys, I appreciate your advice.
Here are some excellent sites for giving free Dana (Click-Based Donation):
http://freerice.comhttp://greatergood.com/www.ripple.orgwww.thenonprofits.com

ieee23
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Re: How to get over being wronged?

Post by ieee23 » Tue Jan 02, 2018 4:42 am

1. Throw yourself into building good stuff for yourself in your life. Volunteering to help other people in direct interactions with them is one very powerful way to do this.

2. Don't fight it, just notice, over and over again, how being pissed off feels nasty. Reflect that you feeling nasty doesn't hurt them.

Good Luck.
Whatever a bhikkhu frequently thinks and ponders upon, that will become the inclination of his mind. - MN 19

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JMGinPDX
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Re: How to get over being wronged?

Post by JMGinPDX » Wed Jan 24, 2018 9:54 pm

The first thing that popped into my head when I first read the OP's post was "WHO was wronged? WHO is resentful?"
This is just my (mildly educated) opinion, and I don't think I saw this mentioned in any other responses, so if I'm off base here I appreciate the correction, and I apologize for the length of this rambling...but...

It seems there is a strong sense of SELF in any situation where we feel wronged or harmed, and more strong sense of SELF in any resulting feelings of anger.

Since we create numerous Selves on a day to day basis, Selves that interact with the world (the Self that drove to work, the Self that loves his wife, the Self that prefers Coke over Pepsi, etc.), naturally one or more of those fabricated Selves is going to occasionally run afoul of others' senses of Self.
In the case of being wronged, my "Self" - the one that believes he should live free of abuse from others - is clashing with someone else's sense of Self - one that believes it either has the right to abuse me, or doesn't see their actions as abuse in the first place (or maybe both, if you're the current POTUS :))

That I see their Self as "wrong" and mine as "right" is somewhat beside the point, regardless of the real truth - they might very well think the same thing, that their Self was right and mine was wrong!
The point is that my Self has been damaged, and my relative level of suffering around it is entirely dependent on my ability to LET GO of that Self, and see it for what it really is - fabricated, impermanent, and not satisfactory.

I had an experience years ago that illustrates this - a role at work opened up which would have been a promotion in terms of rank and salary, and also would have utilized my skillset more than my current role. I also considered myself highly qualified for the role, for multiple reasons. I also considered myself the prime candidate for the role. I nailed the interview, impressed the manager, etc. etc.
But I didn't get the job. And worse, someone whom I respected, but whom I didn't see as superior to me, DID get the job. I spent about 1 hour going through the normal feelings of shock, anger, confusion, and resentment...and then I suddenly realized..."maybe they actually hired the best person for the job!"
The problem wasn't THEIR lack of comprehension of my skills or their recognition of my abilities, or even worse, some intentional act of villiany and disrespect against me, it was ME taking MY sense of Self very seriously.
I had fabricated a Self who was practically a shoe-in for the job, and when that Self was shot down and someone else chosen, my attachment to that [now wounded] Self caused me to suffer. When I finally realized that Self was no longer true, and unnecessary, I was able to let go of it completely...and my suffering over it stopped.

I wonder if the OP is clinging too strongly to the Self that was wronged, giving it more value and inherent existence than it really has, considering its fabricated and temporary nature? And if they can let go of that Self and see through its apparent solid existence to see its true nature - and for that matter, the true nature of the Self/Selves of the person/people who wronged them - maybe that would help with letting go.

Of course, all of the other great advice here - brahamviharas, et al. - are by extension techniques for doing exactly that, yes?

:anjali:
Right now, it's like this...

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