jcprice wrote:Hi green-tea,
I am sorry to read that you are in such difficult circumstances at the moment.
However, in my own practice, I have found that all of my own suffering has been a great opportunity for insight, or at least motivation for practice.
My thoughts on the matter are:
1. Are you safe? Out of compassion for yourself, if you are in danger of harm, you should remove yourself from that danger.
2. You have already acknowledged that you may have acted unskillfully. It is worth reflecting further on the cause and effect elements at work here. Great insight and opportunity for further insight.
3. It is worth reflecting that it is hard enough for us to make changes in ourself, let-alone attempt to change others.
4. While we may attempt, out of compassion, to help others, without the wisdom to succeed, our efforts are likely to be wasted.
5. A good basis for action in the world are the Four Sublime States (http://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/auth ... el006.html): Lovingkindness (Metta), Compassion (Karuna), Sympathetic Joy (Mudita), and Equanimity (Upekkha). I have found the cultivation of these states of mind extremely useful for reducing suffering and improving skillful action.
6. As a first step to lovingkindness, it is important to acknowledge that, just like you and I, all unenlightened beings seek happiness and freedom from suffering, but they deluded about how to achieve it.
I am unsure of your current practice and understanding of the dhamma, so I'll stop there.
Also, I've only just joined these forums and I'm a bit rusty posts such as these.
Laurens wrote:Hello green tea,
To be fair you were being provokative in saying "Do it", not saying your father was right in taking a swing at you, but perhaps your saying that is what pushed him to it. Would that scenario have ended in the same way if you apologised sincerely for saying "shut the f**k up" and explained the reasons why you were angry etc etc in a calm manner?
I think the main lesson here for you is to be more considerate in what you say and when you say it. In that post you describe two situations in which you say the wrong thing at the wrong time as it were, the first being telling your father to "shut the f**k up" the second being tempting him to "do it" when he was speaking of being violent.
In your speech you should be calm, peaceful and understanding. You should speak at the right time. The way to deal with this situation is to talk in a calm and understanding way to your father, try to understand where he is coming from as well as trying to get your point across, don't let it turn into a shouting match. Be apologetic and forgiving.
The man is your father, not your worst enemy, I am sure you can resolve this issue simply by having a discussion about it. If you give up your resentment towards him and he sees this, I am sure it will be easy for him to give up his resentment towards you. The problem currently seems to be that you both resent each other quite a lot and this is a vicious circle, you just make each other mad. This problem won't solve itself until one of you stops resenting the other. In the Dhammapada it says that hatred does not cease by hatred, that hatred ceases by love alone. Give it a try.
As for dealing with people that want to hurt you. Not telling people to "shut the f**k up" or pushing them to "do it" is a good start .
All the best
Thanks for the reply. I agree with everything you said and am wondering if there are any practices that might be suggested to help give up my resentment towards him. I understand that I should speak with calmness and understanding. Generally I do this, but as I described he pushed my buttons. I know those buttons of mine exist and am hoping that Buddhism can offer something to help manage those buttons. I would like to eliminate harmful reactions all together!
Maybe I simply need to spend more time in meditation...
green-tea wrote:I would love any input on this!
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