Rude People, Frequent Unpleasant Encounters - Kamma?

Buddhist ethical conduct including the Five Precepts (Pañcasikkhāpada), and Eightfold Ethical Conduct (Aṭṭhasīla).
dennis
Posts: 55
Joined: Sun May 05, 2013 5:03 pm

Re: Rude People, Frequent Unpleasant Encounters - Kamma?

Post by dennis » Wed Aug 21, 2013 6:47 pm

HWP wrote:It's almost a year since I walked away with a lighter heart. I am afraid that I've to seek for advice again because of rude people. A lot of things have happened and I found time to visit my mom's grave to reminisce and grieve in silence. However, I never expected a woman to stare at me grieving and continued to stare even after I looked at her questioningly. After her, there's a boy, around 10 years old, who saw me mourning and stared at me. To add insult to injury, he brought his young relatives to stare at me as if I was some freak show. They remained even after I looked at them. They persisted even after I ignored them. From the reflection off the grave, I could see them peering at my mother's grave.

I was so shocked to see such behaviour that I didn't react. I was never brought in such manner; I was told to leave people alone if it was clear that they needed the solitude.

Was it really so strange to mourn? I should've told them off for treating my mother and me like some kind of freak show. I felt guilty that I didn't do anything. Now, I am angry and sad whenever I think of it. This is the only place I can think of that can put me at peace...
Is it possible these folks came from other social/religious backgrounds? I've stared at people strolling across graves with no concern, but I've been taught not to do so; I wouldn't be surprised if they noticed me staring.

On the other hand my Asperger Syndrome makes it hard for me to recognize facial expressions and MY facial expressions sometimes don't go over well. :cry: Is it possible you might have a touch of Asperger yourself?

Try going back and re-reading what the Tortoise said.

:namaste:

HWP
Posts: 26
Joined: Mon Sep 24, 2012 3:00 pm

Re: Rude People, Frequent Unpleasant Encounters - Kamma?

Post by HWP » Wed Aug 21, 2013 11:48 pm

dennis wrote:
HWP wrote:It's almost a year since I walked away with a lighter heart. I am afraid that I've to seek for advice again because of rude people. A lot of things have happened and I found time to visit my mom's grave to reminisce and grieve in silence. However, I never expected a woman to stare at me grieving and continued to stare even after I looked at her questioningly. After her, there's a boy, around 10 years old, who saw me mourning and stared at me. To add insult to injury, he brought his young relatives to stare at me as if I was some freak show. They remained even after I looked at them. They persisted even after I ignored them. From the reflection off the grave, I could see them peering at my mother's grave.

I was so shocked to see such behaviour that I didn't react. I was never brought in such manner; I was told to leave people alone if it was clear that they needed the solitude.

Was it really so strange to mourn? I should've told them off for treating my mother and me like some kind of freak show. I felt guilty that I didn't do anything. Now, I am angry and sad whenever I think of it. This is the only place I can think of that can put me at peace...
Is it possible these folks came from other social/religious backgrounds? I've stared at people strolling across graves with no concern, but I've been taught not to do so; I wouldn't be surprised if they noticed me staring.

On the other hand my Asperger Syndrome makes it hard for me to recognize facial expressions and MY facial expressions sometimes don't go over well. :cry: Is it possible you might have a touch of Asperger yourself?

Try going back and re-reading what the Tortoise said.

:namaste:
Unfortunately, these people are from the same racial and similar religious background (supposed to be respectful towards the dead).

What does Asperger have to do with anything? Would you gather people to stare at other people's graves without paying your respect? Anyway, I was minding my own business when people just came and stared at me, what kind of expression could I possibly have to attract this kind of (unwanted) attention? I couldn't even cry in silence and grieve properly.

pegembara
Posts: 1309
Joined: Tue Oct 13, 2009 8:39 am

Re: Rude People, Frequent Unpleasant Encounters - Kamma?

Post by pegembara » Thu Aug 22, 2013 6:21 am

A traveler came upon an old farmer hoeing in his field beside the road. Eager to rest his feet, the wanderer hailed the countryman, who seemed happy enough to straighten his back and talk for a moment.
"What sort of people live in the next town?" asked the stranger.

"What were the people like where you've come from?" replied the farmer, answering the question with another question.

"They were a bad lot. Troublemakers all, and lazy too. The most selfish people in the world, and not a one of them to be trusted. I'm happy to be leaving the scoundrels."

"Is that so?" replied the old farmer. "Well, I'm afraid that you'll find the same sort in the next town.

Disappointed, the traveler trudged on his way, and the farmer returned to his work.

Some time later another stranger, coming from the same direction, hailed the farmer, and they stopped to talk. "What sort of people live in the next town?" he asked.

"What were the people like where you've come from?" replied the farmer once again.

"They were the best people in the world. Hard working, honest, and friendly. I'm sorry to be leaving them."

"Fear not," said the farmer. "You'll find the same sort in the next town."


1. Mind precedes all mental states. Mind is their chief; they are all mind-wrought. If with an impure mind a person speaks or acts suffering follows him like the wheel that follows the foot of the ox.
2. Mind precedes all mental states. Mind is their chief; they are all mind-wrought. If with a pure mind a person speaks or acts happiness follows him like his never-departing shadow.
Dhp1
And what is right speech? Abstaining from lying, from divisive speech, from abusive speech, & from idle chatter: This is called right speech.

pegembara
Posts: 1309
Joined: Tue Oct 13, 2009 8:39 am

Re: Rude People, Frequent Unpleasant Encounters - Kamma?

Post by pegembara » Thu Aug 22, 2013 6:39 am

If practicing metta and friendliness is not working, perhaps it is time to be equanimous.

Image
And what is right speech? Abstaining from lying, from divisive speech, from abusive speech, & from idle chatter: This is called right speech.

HWP
Posts: 26
Joined: Mon Sep 24, 2012 3:00 pm

Re: Rude People, Frequent Unpleasant Encounters - Kamma?

Post by HWP » Thu Aug 22, 2013 7:18 am

pegembara wrote:A traveler came upon an old farmer hoeing in his field beside the road. Eager to rest his feet, the wanderer hailed the countryman, who seemed happy enough to straighten his back and talk for a moment.
"What sort of people live in the next town?" asked the stranger.

"What were the people like where you've come from?" replied the farmer, answering the question with another question.

"They were a bad lot. Troublemakers all, and lazy too. The most selfish people in the world, and not a one of them to be trusted. I'm happy to be leaving the scoundrels."

"Is that so?" replied the old farmer. "Well, I'm afraid that you'll find the same sort in the next town.

Disappointed, the traveler trudged on his way, and the farmer returned to his work.

Some time later another stranger, coming from the same direction, hailed the farmer, and they stopped to talk. "What sort of people live in the next town?" he asked.

"What were the people like where you've come from?" replied the farmer once again.

"They were the best people in the world. Hard working, honest, and friendly. I'm sorry to be leaving them."

"Fear not," said the farmer. "You'll find the same sort in the next town."


1. Mind precedes all mental states. Mind is their chief; they are all mind-wrought. If with an impure mind a person speaks or acts suffering follows him like the wheel that follows the foot of the ox.
2. Mind precedes all mental states. Mind is their chief; they are all mind-wrought. If with a pure mind a person speaks or acts happiness follows him like his never-departing shadow.
Dhp1
Is being left alone to cry too much to ask for? How do you expect me to think well of people who intruded on my personal time with my mother?

HWP
Posts: 26
Joined: Mon Sep 24, 2012 3:00 pm

Re: Rude People, Frequent Unpleasant Encounters - Kamma?

Post by HWP » Thu Aug 22, 2013 7:20 am

pegembara wrote:If practicing metta and friendliness is not working, perhaps it is time to be equanimous.

Image
Give them an inch, they will want a mile. I ignored them and they came closer to disrupt by peering at my mother's grave disrespectfully.

dennis
Posts: 55
Joined: Sun May 05, 2013 5:03 pm

Re: Rude People, Frequent Unpleasant Encounters - Kamma?

Post by dennis » Thu Aug 22, 2013 5:04 pm

HWP wrote:
dennis wrote:
HWP wrote:It's almost a year since I walked away with a lighter heart. I am afraid that I've to seek for advice again because of rude people. A lot of things have happened and I found time to visit my mom's grave to reminisce and grieve in silence. However, I never expected a woman to stare at me grieving and continued to stare even after I looked at her questioningly. After her, there's a boy, around 10 years old, who saw me mourning and stared at me. To add insult to injury, he brought his young relatives to stare at me as if I was some freak show. They remained even after I looked at them. They persisted even after I ignored them. From the reflection off the grave, I could see them peering at my mother's grave.

I was so shocked to see such behaviour that I didn't react. I was never brought in such manner; I was told to leave people alone if it was clear that they needed the solitude.

Was it really so strange to mourn? I should've told them off for treating my mother and me like some kind of freak show. I felt guilty that I didn't do anything. Now, I am angry and sad whenever I think of it. This is the only place I can think of that can put me at peace...
Is it possible these folks came from other social/religious backgrounds? I've stared at people strolling across graves with no concern, but I've been taught not to do so; I wouldn't be surprised if they noticed me staring.

On the other hand my Asperger Syndrome makes it hard for me to recognize facial expressions and MY facial expressions sometimes don't go over well. :cry: Is it possible you might have a touch of Asperger yourself?

Try going back and re-reading what the Tortoise said.

:namaste:
Unfortunately, these people are from the same racial and similar religious background (supposed to be respectful towards the dead).

What does Asperger have to do with anything? Would you gather people to stare at other people's graves without paying your respect? Anyway, I was minding my own business when people just came and stared at me, what kind of expression could I possibly have to attract this kind of (unwanted) attention? I couldn't even cry in silence and grieve properly.
"What does Asperger have to do with anything?"

If you knew anyone with Asperger Syndrome, like myself, or someone else on the autism scale then you would understand I guess.

Example:
I recently was made very uncomfortable in a book store I'd frequented for over 30 years when the wife of the new owner said to me (and I swear I was only offering what I thought as a big smile) "Sir; I want you to know this is a FAMILY (her emphasis) store." making it sound as though I had offered to molest her and her children. Shit like this happens to me all the time. All the time. And it doesn't affect me as strongly as when I was a kid (I cried a lot).

So maybe you don't qualify as an "aspie." Why not accept that some people are rude and get on with your life. Stop wasting your time on these people and move on. The hours you spend worrying about others views of you are wasted hours. Accept that life isn't perfect.

I wasn't kidding: "Try going back and re-reading what the Tortoise said."....this parable offered when you were here last has all the answers you're looking for.
You said you were helped somewhat the last time you posted and that's a good sign. Why not follow up on that good experience with more of the same? If you understand something about Buddhism you know it's designed to help people alleviate pain and suffering. Why not stick around and see how others handle "their" problems? You might find some permanent answers.

Metta,
Denny

pegembara
Posts: 1309
Joined: Tue Oct 13, 2009 8:39 am

Re: Rude People, Frequent Unpleasant Encounters - Kamma?

Post by pegembara » Fri Aug 23, 2013 3:51 am

HWP wrote:
pegembara wrote:If practicing metta and friendliness is not working, perhaps it is time to be equanimous.

Image
Give them an inch, they will want a mile. I ignored them and they came closer to disrupt by peering at my mother's grave disrespectfully.

Are they doing what you mentioned right here and right now? If not, is it worth letting such persons control your feelings and emotions? I'll bet that right now you are not in their thoughts.
Realise that suffering is in you and not in reality.
And what is right speech? Abstaining from lying, from divisive speech, from abusive speech, & from idle chatter: This is called right speech.

HWP
Posts: 26
Joined: Mon Sep 24, 2012 3:00 pm

Re: Rude People, Frequent Unpleasant Encounters - Kamma?

Post by HWP » Fri Aug 23, 2013 3:09 pm

Thank you all for your advice. Sadly, this is just one of my problems. Your advices are helpful and I am trying to apply them but sometimes, my negative feelings can be overwhelming...

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