Have I understood letting go of my self concept wron

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MrLearner
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Joined: Sun Mar 03, 2013 3:32 pm

Have I understood letting go of my self concept wron

Post by MrLearner » Fri May 03, 2013 2:26 pm

Hello everyone,

I don't know why, but I'm so harsh on my self. Sorry it is difficult to explain, but I find it very difficult to forgive me for very minor mistakes. For example, yesterday I borrowed some notes from my friend, and he asked me to return it in 2 days. I genuinly forgot and was only able to return it to him a day before the exam. It was not a major exam. Anyway this was a very careless and selfish by me, but I genuinly forgot and it was not my intention to do this. I have been lately labelled as selfish by few of my friends (I don't blame them). Anyway but I truly know in my heart that I'm far from selfish, and I really help my friends when they are in trouble . Now the thing is when something like thisn happens I find it very hard to forgive me. I keep telling myself what I did is selfish and I'm guilty about it.

Then for some strange reason, I'm thinking forgiving myself is like loving my self and been attached to myself (which is not a good thing in about buddhism). So I don't like to forgive myself because if i keep telling my self I'm very good, I'm very kind hearted etc it is like loving myself too much, and I'm scared I would be attached to myself a lot. Now I'm understanding that there is something wrong with my thinking and I have understood this letting go of self concept very wrong.

Also I'm starting to think, that to truly love and care for others. You must love yourself first.

"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. "

I was also wondering if this quotes suggests this. Your help would be appreciated. Thanks a lot :smile:

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purple planet
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Re: Have I understood letting go of my self concept wron

Post by purple planet » Fri May 03, 2013 2:47 pm

To forgive someone you need to know he really means it so if he says his sorry but dies the same thing again than its not ok -

so you can forgive yourself but next time if you take someone notes and now you learned how important it can be for someone than write down a small note that says something like : "dont forget to return notes to y before x date"
now if you do this you know you did all you can not to forget and can feel good about yourself -

if you learn from the past than you can fully forgive - i know this is not the answer to your question but its a partly answer hope it helps a bit
Please send merit to my dog named Mika who has passed away - thanks in advance

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daverupa
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Re: Have I understood letting go of my self concept wron

Post by daverupa » Fri May 03, 2013 3:55 pm

SN 42.8 wrote:"A disciple has faith in that teacher and reflects: 'The Blessed One in a variety of ways criticizes & censures the telling of lies, and says, "Abstain from the telling of lies." There are lies that I have told, to a greater or lesser extent. That was not right. That was not good. But if I become remorseful for that reason, that evil deed of mine will not be undone.' So, reflecting thus, he abandons right then the telling of lies, and in the future refrains from telling lies. This is how there comes to be the abandoning of that evil deed. This is how there comes to be the transcending of that evil deed.
But also, compassion for oneself isn't necessarily correct either. Aversion is no good, as above, but we are enjoined to protect ourselves & others with satipatthana, with a slight change depending on the emphasis:
SN 47.19 wrote:"And how do you watch after others when watching after yourself? Through cultivating [the practice], through developing it, through pursuing it. This is how you watch after others when watching after yourself.

"And how do you watch after yourself when watching after others? Through endurance, through harmlessness, through a mind of goodwill, & through sympathy. This is how you watch after yourself when watching after others.
Endurance, harmlessness, goodwill, and sympathy aren't really to be directed at oneself, here, but others. For ones own case, cultivating and sustaining satipatthana is prescribed.

Here is another related discussion, on shame & fear of wrongdoing, which may also be helpful.

:heart:
  • "And how is it, bhikkhus, that by protecting oneself one protects others? By the pursuit, development, and cultivation of the four establishments of mindfulness. It is in such a way that by protecting oneself one protects others.

    "And how is it, bhikkhus, that by protecting others one protects oneself? By patience, harmlessness, goodwill, and sympathy. It is in such a way that by protecting others one protects oneself.

- Sedaka Sutta [SN 47.19]

binocular
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Re: Have I understood letting go of my self concept wron

Post by binocular » Fri May 03, 2013 6:18 pm

samtheman wrote:Then for some strange reason, I'm thinking forgiving myself is like loving my self and been attached to myself (which is not a good thing in about buddhism). So I don't like to forgive myself because if i keep telling my self I'm very good, I'm very kind hearted etc it is like loving myself too much, and I'm scared I would be attached to myself a lot. Now I'm understanding that there is something wrong with my thinking and I have understood this letting go of self concept very wrong.

Also I'm starting to think, that to truly love and care for others. You must love yourself first.
I think this has little to do with loving or hating oneself, but much more with being practical and learning from one's mistakes.
If you notice that you tend to forget stuff (especially if you're under stress), then there are practices of personal organization that you might try out. Such as carry a planner with you, write in what you have to do, check it regularly.

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Mohan Gnanathilake
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Re: Have I understood letting go of my self concept wrong?

Post by Mohan Gnanathilake » Sat Jun 10, 2017 3:29 pm

The Gautama Buddha taught that as long as there is the concept of self, there will be no end to attachment (lobha), ill-will or aversion (dosa) and attachment (moha).
All thoughts begin in the mind, mind is supreme and mind-made are they. If one speaks or acts with impure mind pain follows him like the wheel the hoof of the ox.
(Dhammapada 1, Yamaka Vagga – The Twin Verses)

All thoughts begin in the mind, mind is supreme and mind –made are they. If one speaks or acts with pure mind happiness follows him like one’s shadow that never leaves.
(Dhammapada 2, Yamaka Vagga – The Twin Verses)

Mr.Mohan Barathi Gnanathilake
Permanent Address : No. 372 / 2 , Mahara Prison Road , Ragama, Sri Lanka.
Telephone No :+94 112957857
Email :moh.bar.gna1975@gmail.com

2600htz
Posts: 198
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Re: Have I understood letting go of my self concept wron

Post by 2600htz » Sat Jun 17, 2017 8:29 pm

MrLearner wrote:Hello everyone,

I don't know why, but I'm so harsh on my self. Sorry it is difficult to explain, but I find it very difficult to forgive me for very minor mistakes. For example, yesterday I borrowed some notes from my friend, and he asked me to return it in 2 days. I genuinly forgot and was only able to return it to him a day before the exam. It was not a major exam. Anyway this was a very careless and selfish by me, but I genuinly forgot and it was not my intention to do this. I have been lately labelled as selfish by few of my friends (I don't blame them). Anyway but I truly know in my heart that I'm far from selfish, and I really help my friends when they are in trouble . Now the thing is when something like thisn happens I find it very hard to forgive me. I keep telling myself what I did is selfish and I'm guilty about it.

Then for some strange reason, I'm thinking forgiving myself is like loving my self and been attached to myself (which is not a good thing in about buddhism). So I don't like to forgive myself because if i keep telling my self I'm very good, I'm very kind hearted etc it is like loving myself too much, and I'm scared I would be attached to myself a lot. Now I'm understanding that there is something wrong with my thinking and I have understood this letting go of self concept very wrong.

Also I'm starting to think, that to truly love and care for others. You must love yourself first.

"You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection. "

I was also wondering if this quotes suggests this. Your help would be appreciated. Thanks a lot :smile:
Hello:

You are thinking too much!, thats why your friends get the notion that u are being selfish. "I am", "I don´t know", "im so hard", "i find it difficult", "i forgot", "i am selfish", "im thinking", "i don´t like", "im scared", "im understanding", thats just CRAVING, and the whole point of Buddhism is to let go of craving.

Back off for a while, stop trying to figure out the puzzle that u have in your head. Take your time, and naturally u will start having more space to act in a good way.

Regards.

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BasementBuddhist
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Re: Have I understood letting go of my self concept wron

Post by BasementBuddhist » Sun Jun 18, 2017 1:24 pm

I used to be exactly like this. Wrapped up in my own thinking too much. The thing is, this Self, this 'I' that you are so worried about is not real. You make this person up in your head as you go. So, basically what you are saying when you say you are selfish is: this person I see myself as is selfish. This person I see myself as is forgetful. This person I see myself as has friends who think he is selfish. But you, whatever your real name is, isn't real. All that YOU are is a body and mind, some thoughts, some feelings, and some habits and patterns. This is what the Buddha taught. So if the mind you have is forgetful, don't feel bad about it, this just creates suffering. Try something new to help you not be forgetful. If you are angry at the body or mind, thoughts, feelings, or habits, do your best to accept and let go of this anger and then try to look at it a new way or start doing something different.

The whole point is not to be obsessed with things, saying they MUST happen like this! If they do it is great, if they do not it is great too.

If you don't already, meditation helps with all of this a lot.

Good luck and if you need further help, just say so.

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