Help! How to raise a child in an inter-faith marriage?

[puppha]

Dear Fede,

.....My 6 years old daughter is not old enough to deeply question what she is observing.

as a 50+-year-old ex-Roman catholic, i can tell you this isn't true.
I would be prepared to bet a pound to a pinch of salt that she has all manner of questions in that little head of hers... I did, as did my 2 daughters.....
tehy won't be great philosophical, deep and discursive questions, but they'll be logical 6-year old questions, for sure....

Maybe, yes...
At least, she knows that one of her parent thinks differently.

And if you've discussed father Christmas, the Easter bunny and the Tooth fairy with her.... and eventually the truth comes out......hello....?

I see what you mean.
In fact, my wife actively cultivate the belief of Father Xmas in our daughter, telling her she believes Father Xmas exists!!!

She says it's good for her imagination!
Thinking about it, she probably just have created a little time bomb. When our daughter will understand that there is no Father Xmas, she might think that her mother told her stories on other points too...
Personally, I am against promoting the existence of Father Xmas etc. to children. I fail to see the point in that, it's just lying.

With Metta

[Fede]

Father Christmas is easy to back up, with so much annual visual proof... they're everywhere...on TV, in films, in shopping malls.... and yet - how do we explain so many...?
Fabricated stories come unstuck the more we try to pin them down....

And out of respect for those who follow a theistic faith, I really am talking about the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy and Father Christmas....

[puppha]

An interesting update,

Its all how it is presented.

I just had evidence that this is true. A couple of days ago, I was in my office and I wanted to search on youtube for some dhamma talks. The first videos that came up where some children songs about the dhamma. Exactly at this time, my daughter entered my office and came to my laps. So I played the first video. It was a nice simple song "dhamma is good, sadhu for dhamma" and she liked it. In the suggested links, there was an animation of the life of the Buddha and she enjoyed it, she said the Buddha is invincible when Devadattha was trying to kill him! When it was finished (and time to go to bed) she said she would like to see more next time.
Actually, I didn't know there were such videos on youtube! And these were perfect for young children. The people who did those are really helpful.

With Metta

[Ben]

An interesting update,

Its all how it is presented.

I just had evidence that this is true. A couple of days ago, I was in my office and I wanted to search on youtube for some dhamma talks. The first videos that came up where some children songs about the dhamma. Exactly at this time, my daughter entered my office and came to my laps. So I played the first video. It was a nice simple song "dhamma is good, sadhu for dhamma" and she liked it. In the suggested links, there was an animation of the life of the Buddha and she enjoyed it, she said the Buddha is invincible when Devadattha was trying to kill him! When it was finished (and time to go to bed) she said she would like to see more next time.
Actually, I didn't know there were such videos on youtube! And these were perfect for young children. The people who did those are really helpful.

With Metta

That is fantastic, puppha! It reminds me when I returned from Myanmar this time last year I brought home some gifts for my family. One was a small black and white poster of the Buddha that is a replica of the poster the monks were carrying in their uprising in 2007. I gave it to my ten-year old son who I am sure will walk in my footsteps on the path. It had the enscription in english and burmese: "The Buddha: the unrivaled".

I think you have the capacity to make a profound impact on your daughter by how you live the Dhamma and share these special moments with her. Just keep in mind that you are planting the seed of Dhamma which may ripen in the future - her paramitas permitting.
kind regards,

Ben

[Sanghamitta]

I wonder how many who have answered here have raised children. The fact is ALL we can do is attempt to be as positive an influence as we can and then cross our fingers as they hit adolescence...

My husband when we were idealistic twenty somethings pointed out a cartoon which was of a baby in a highchair throwing her/his food on the floor and saying " I reject you and all your values starting with brown rice, tahini, and the laws of karma ! "

lets not kid ourselves that Buddhism is somehow exempt from the need for each generation to find their own identity rather than a received one.

[Khalil Bodhi]

An interesting update,

Its all how it is presented.

I just had evidence that this is true. A couple of days ago, I was in my office and I wanted to search on youtube for some dhamma talks. The first videos that came up where some children songs about the dhamma. Exactly at this time, my daughter entered my office and came to my laps. So I played the first video. It was a nice simple song "dhamma is good, sadhu for dhamma" and she liked it. In the suggested links, there was an animation of the life of the Buddha and she enjoyed it, she said the Buddha is invincible when Devadattha was trying to kill him! When it was finished (and time to go to bed) she said she would like to see more next time.
Actually, I didn't know there were such videos on youtube! And these were perfect for young children. The people who did those are really helpful.

With Metta

Sadhu!

[puppha]

lets not kid ourselves that Buddhism is somehow exempt from the need for each generation to find their own identity rather than a received one.

Absolutely. I already committed myself to accept my daughter whatever path she chooses to follow.

There is a little incident I forgot to mention. While watching the movie, my daughter at some point said "Buddha does not know if God exists or not". I answered "Yes he does", and then she said "mum said it". I just reaffirmed "Yes he does", but inside my head I found that a bit disturbing... That looks a bit like underhand technique, but once again these are the things that backfires with time... I will just leave that aside.

With Metta

[Sanghamitta]

I have heard Luang Por Sumedho say several times when talking to parents.." it is important to remember that there are no born Buddhists, its always a fresh Going For Refuge "

[andre9999]

Yeah, I'm bumping the thread, but you're all buddhists so you'll be cool with it.

My wife has been Christian much of her life, and has turned it up a notch in the last 6-8 months by going to an Evangelical church. I have a son who is four years old. He has a bible, they say their prayers before bed, and he attends church preschool on Sundays.

My feeling on it all is "so what?" The people I meet at that church, compared to many of the atheists that I know and am related to, are generally happier, are more caring and loving, and are more giving. And frankly, I find those qualities to be highly desirable to be around.

My job as a father, as I see it, is not to teach my son Buddhism, nor is it to refute monotheism. My duty to him is to teach him to be empathic, loving, and some level of non-attachment in order live a happier, fuller life. If him learning about Jesus gets him further down that path, than I think that's great. Better than the materialism, violence, and sex that seems to be more of the norm in the US these days.

I wish you luck. It can be a challenge, I know.

[DarwidHalim]

I think it is not a problem and can be very useful actually.

Since kindergarten until university, all my schools are Catholic schools. Every morning before the school start, prayin to Jesus and after the end of the class, praying to Maria.

I also like a church, particularly catholic church. I don't know why. Just like to be there, not for pray, just enjoying the atmosphere.

However, I was born in Buddhist family, which makes me familiar with Buddha, Boddhisattva etc. So, at home when I was a kid, my mum asked me to pray.

However, my parents have no problem if I want to go to Catholic. I remember when I was 8 years old I really wanted to have a bible. The school suddenly gave all students A free bible. So, I read a few pages in front, and afterwards that desire disappear and never bother to read it again, except in the school due to catholic lesson.

Only when I was about 15 years old, there is a strong feeling it is time to find out what is the true Buddhism. Since then, in my university, where I have the access to get the material, the journey started.

As long as your children have the access to Buddhism equally, get used to pray, don't feel Buddhism is something strange, in the future, they will go to Buddhism if Buddhist philosophy make sense to them. They will also more open to different religion and different views inside Buddhism in the future.

In case, they end up with catholic or christianity, it is also no problem. It is just not their time in this life.

Most important I think is yourself, because they will see how Buddhism can affect their lives through you as the living example.

[fig tree]

At least, she knows that one of her parent thinks differently.

I don't have any children, but it seems to me that this is very helpful.

I remember fundamentalist Christianity as a thing that encouraged us to make a real full-court-press to get people to believe its tenets, and this makes me uneasy about what I read here. But the kind of confusion I had as a child was only possible because of lack of real familiarity with anything else.

Fig Tree

[Kim OHara]

The people I meet at that church, compared to many of the atheists that I know and am related to, are generally happier, are more caring and loving, and are more giving. And frankly, I find those qualities to be highly desirable to be around.

Maybe a tiny bit off-topic, but I teach in a Catholic school and have the same feelings about most of the people there: on average, they are nicer people than those in equivalent secular (state-run) schools.


Kim

[Goofaholix]

Maybe a tiny bit off-topic, but I teach in a Catholic school and have the same feelings about most of the people there: on average, they are nicer people than those in equivalent secular (state-run) schools.

As a matter of interest my neices in Thailand all go to a Catholic school. It's not uncommon in Thailand for Buddhist parents to send their children to Catholic schools and not think anything of it, not be worried about their children getting indoctrinated. In Thailand religion is not seen as a black and white thing, people are much more relaxed about religion, they are Buddhist because they are Thai if for no other reason.

Occasionaly they've mixed up Christian and Buddhist terminology but I've never gotten the impression they are becoming any less Buddhist because of their exposure to education with a different world view.

[puppha]

As a matter of interest my neices in Thailand all go to a Catholic school. It's not uncommon in Thailand for Buddhist parents to send their children to Catholic schools and not think anything of it, not be worried about their children getting indoctrinated. In Thailand religion is not seen as a black and white thing, people are much more relaxed about religion, they are Buddhist because they are Thai if for no other reason.

Occasionaly they've mixed up Christian and Buddhist terminology but I've never gotten the impression they are becoming any less Buddhist because of their exposure to education with a different world view.

I never thought out religious differences would be an issue until my wife told me last year that she doesn't want me to bring our daughter to the Vihara or to teach her Buddhist teachings. When I met my wife 9 years ago, she was Christian, and I was essentially Buddhist. Until that time, I never thought our religious differences were a problem.
But from the moment she became born-again/extremist/fundamentalist, things have changed. Before that, she even told me a few times she was proud I was Buddhist. Now I am doomed to the Eternal Flames of Hell for not accepting Jesus! (But she recently moderated her position slightly)
I am OK that my daughter receives Christian teachings because her mother is Christian, but I have a problem with fundamentalism, extremism, and generally speaking with the disparaging of rational thinking and investigation. Also, I would agree on one point with Richard Dawkins and Ajahn Brahms: religious indoctrination of children is a form of child abuse, because they are discouraged to think for themselves, enquire and ask questions.

I would also add a little reminder. There are very significant differences of doctrines and behavious between the various Christian denominations. In particular, Catholics and Evanglical Protestants are diametrically opposed to the point that each other consider they are the only "true" Christians and the others are heretics doomed to Hell. So it is wrong to assume that if something is true for Catholics, it must be true also for other Christian denominations and vice-versa.

The people I meet at that church, compared to many of the atheists that I know and am related to, are generally happier, are more caring and loving, and are more giving.

My personal experience is a bit different. I found that the few Christians I know are generally hypocritical and do not uphold their proclaimed values of love and compassion. As for their donations, I think it is generally used to finance the lifestyle of the pastor and his/her immediate entourage. The pastor of my wife's Church has a huge BMW (he may have paid it himself, but he has a very menial job); on the other hand, the Church had to relocate because they had a unpaid bill of GBP5,000 for electricity... Also I think they are a very closed group, they think deeply in terms of "us and them" and tend to meet and do things only within themselves and for themselves (except if it is to evangelise the heathens). I have not seen a single instance where they did some charitable works without trying to convert people.
They seem happier, but when I try to look deeper, I see fear. Essentially fear that their beliefs are wrong. I see also a lot of anxiety: anxiety for signs of their God, anxiety that the Devil will hit them, anxiety when heatens do not believe their Good News when they try to evangelise people. But I might be wrong... I also think that other Christian denominations are probably quite different; it looks to me that at the end of the day, the Catholics are more open (and this obviously make them heretics in the eyes of conservative Christians).

I know people who are Muslim, Atheist, Agnostic, Hindu, Catholic, Evangelical Christian, etc. and what I see is that in all these groups, there are good and bad people, happy and unhappy people, caring and uncaring people, etc. The bottom line is that I think my daughter should be exposed to a variety of beliefs and lifestyles so she can make informed decisions.



With Metta

[Kim OHara]

There are very significant differences of doctrines and behavious between the various Christian denominations. In particular, Catholics and Evanglical Protestants are diametrically opposed to the point that each other consider they are the only "true" Christians and the others are heretics doomed to Hell. So it is wrong to assume that if something is true for Catholics, it must be true also for other Christian denominations and vice-versa.

Yes, I know that is true, and to that extent my experiences and Goofaholix's can't guide you. There are also differences within denominations, e.g. some Catholics are much more rigid in their beliefs than others.
And, as you say, a lot of the fierce clinging to doctrine is a symptom of fear.
Where that leaves you, I guess, is back where you were before this little detour but with perhaps a little more confidence that not all Christianity, and especially not all Christians, is/are bad.


Kim