Attention parents

A place to discuss casual topics amongst spiritual friends.
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Ngawang Drolma.
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Re: Attention parents

Post by Ngawang Drolma. »

I am so appreciative of all these comments, I really am :smile:

I'll note too that while the tantrums are very challenging, it is age-appropriate. I welcome all things that are age-appropriate with her, and I'd be worried if she were just sitting in a corner rather than making my hair go gray. It seems though like it's one big tantrum with an occasional break, rather than an occasional tantrum. Is that how other parents felt?

Best,
Drolma :namaste:
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Rui Sousa
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Re: Attention parents

Post by Rui Sousa »

Ngawang Drolma wrote:It seems though like it's one big tantrum with an occasional break, rather than an occasional tantrum. Is that how other parents felt?
Relationships are not linear and clear, there is always a complex dynamic underlying what happens between two beings. Since each being has its own Kamma that becomes visible in what is called behaviour (a synonym of "by action of body, speech and mind"?).

My son tends to do one big tantrum from the moment he sees us on the afternoon, when we pick him up from school, until he goes to bed; with occasional quiet moments. He acts a bit better when he is alone with me, a little worse when alone with my wife, must worse when we are all together.

In my analysis he has a lot going on his mind but still lacks the ability to phrase it, so he becomes frustrated because he can't communicate properly. Since he is using verbs, since a few months ago, I sense him to be less frustrated about it. But now he starts to get angry about "not getting what he wants", like eating grapes instead of soup, or drinking milk from the bottle instead of drinking it from a cup.

Crying and making a drama is the only means he has to make me take the milk from a cup into a bottle, because he still can't articulate his thoughts and negotiate with us, but he has a very strong desire to get what he wants. Grapes vs. Soup can be a two hours drama... :rolleye:
With Metta
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BubbaBuddhist
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Re: Attention parents

Post by BubbaBuddhist »

My son didn't speak for the longest time; everyone thought there was something wrong with him. The one day he began speaking in whole sentences. He was waiting until he understood how to do it correctly I suppose. There's a term for kids who do this but I can't remember it. Point is some kids aren't necessarily behind, just on their own time.

J
Author of Redneck Buddhism: or Will You Reincarnate as Your Own Cousin?
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retrofuturist
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Re: Attention parents

Post by retrofuturist »

Greetings,
Ngawang Drolma wrote:It seems though like it's one big tantrum with an occasional break, rather than an occasional tantrum. Is that how other parents felt?
My son never really did that. For the most part he's always been pretty placid, but can still have a "junior moment" every now and then, bursting into tears and whinging.

On an unrelated note, here's a copy of his recent kindergarten homework: http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_3Cs6nnWpg90/S ... ennett.jpg" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

Metta,
Retro. :)
"Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."
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cooran
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Re: Attention parents

Post by cooran »

Hello all,

One of the most effective, evidenced based group and individual programs is taught by the Triple P. I've seen great progress with a wide range of parents and children.

Triple P "small changes, big difference"
http://www17.triplep.net/?pid=50" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;
Triple P for parents
http://www10.triplep.net/?pid=58" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;


metta
Chris
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
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retrofuturist
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Re: Attention parents

Post by retrofuturist »

Greetings,

See also:

Buddhism for the 21st Century Parent
http://www.dhammawheel.com/viewtopic.php?f=14&t=149" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

I also recommend the book...

"Buddhism For Mothers" by Sarah Napthali
http://books.google.com.au/books?id=tl3 ... t&resnum=4" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

Metta,
Retro. :)
"Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."
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Ngawang Drolma.
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Re: Attention parents

Post by Ngawang Drolma. »

Bubbabuddhist wrote:My son didn't speak for the longest time; everyone thought there was something wrong with him. The one day he began speaking in whole sentences. He was waiting until he understood how to do it correctly I suppose. There's a term for kids who do this but I can't remember it. Point is some kids aren't necessarily behind, just on their own time.

J
:namaste: Thanks so much BB.

And Retro, great book recommendations.

Everyone's comments are genuinely helping me, thanks so much.
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Ngawang Drolma.
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Re: Attention parents

Post by Ngawang Drolma. »

Rui Sousa wrote:
When anger arises in my mind I yell at him, when he insists on putting a fork on the electrical plug I slap his hands. But when he gets very frustrated and starts crying and hitting things, humour is my best friend. When he cries I cry, when he lays on the floor kicking the air, I do the same and ask him if I am doing it right, or I aks him if he is done with it. He usually starts laughing and stops the wild behaviour.
This works! I just tried it. The little one was making these awful whining noises because she desperately wanted to put her bathing suit on at a few moments when I had my hands full. I make the same obnoxious sounds and she started laughing!

Very cool :anjali:
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christopher:::
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Re: Attention parents

Post by christopher::: »

Hi N. Drolma and everyone,

You've gotten a lot of good advice here. We had the same problems with our first son, at around age 3. I bought this book and found it very very very helpful, and very much inline with Buddhist wisdom. Making use of the strategies and insights suggested we were able to help turn everything around rather quickly.

Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child
Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child.jpg
Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child.jpg (9.87 KiB) Viewed 1914 times
I'd also strongly recommend this book for Rui S. The mimicking strategy can work from time-to-time but it sounds like your son still hasn't changed his behavior patterns, and is requiring a lot of your attention. Unfortunately, the longer a child is able to "practice" and rehearse disruptive emotional and behavioral "habits" the harder it can be to shake them. Children who behave disruptively in order to gain attention- and then receive attention - are having those disruptive behaviors reinforced.

Understanding how all this works we were able to do things differently with our second son. Tantrums were not reacted to in the same way, and so he never developed those behavior patterns. By contrast, the oldest (a teenager now) has sometimes fallen into the old patterns when he's stressed, angry or fearful...

Parenting is a joy, but always a challenge.

:hug:
"As Buddhists, we should aim to develop relationships that are not predominated by grasping and clinging. Our relationships should be characterised by the brahmaviharas of metta (loving kindness), mudita (sympathetic joy), karuna (compassion), and upekkha (equanimity)."
~post by Ben, Jul 02, 2009
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Rui Sousa
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Re: Attention parents

Post by Rui Sousa »

Ngawang Drolma wrote:
Rui Sousa wrote:
When anger arises in my mind I yell at him, when he insists on putting a fork on the electrical plug I slap his hands. But when he gets very frustrated and starts crying and hitting things, humour is my best friend. When he cries I cry, when he lays on the floor kicking the air, I do the same and ask him if I am doing it right, or I aks him if he is done with it. He usually starts laughing and stops the wild behaviour.
This works! I just tried it. The little one was making these awful whining noises because she desperately wanted to put her bathing suit on at a few moments when I had my hands full. I make the same obnoxious sounds and she started laughing!

Very cool :anjali:
I am very happy to have been helpful :)

A big :hug: to you and your daughter.
With Metta
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Rui Sousa
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Re: Attention parents

Post by Rui Sousa »

christopher::: wrote:I'd also strongly recommend this book for Rui S.
Thank you. I will take a look at it, every help is welcomed.
With Metta
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Ngawang Drolma.
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Re: Attention parents

Post by Ngawang Drolma. »

Thanks a lot for your input Christopher. And the book looks very good :anjali:
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christopher:::
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Re: Attention parents

Post by christopher::: »

It helped a lot, though I wish I had read it earlier, and that i could have found a Japanese translation of it for my wife. To this day the two of them will occasionally spin in their reactive habits, from time-to-time... and getting tooooo upset about it only seems to widen the storm front...

Image

:thinking:
"As Buddhists, we should aim to develop relationships that are not predominated by grasping and clinging. Our relationships should be characterised by the brahmaviharas of metta (loving kindness), mudita (sympathetic joy), karuna (compassion), and upekkha (equanimity)."
~post by Ben, Jul 02, 2009
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