For those in relationships...

Exploring Theravāda's connections to other paths - what can we learn from other traditions, religions and philosophies?
User avatar
Lazy_eye
Posts: 996
Joined: Fri Jan 23, 2009 3:23 pm
Location: Laurel, MD
Contact:

For those in relationships...

Post by Lazy_eye »

Is your spouse or significant other also practicing Buddhism? If not, how does he/she regard your practice? Do any concerns come up, and if so, how do you address them?

How easy do you find it to integrate your practice and your relationship?

Thanks in advance for your thoughts on this..

:namaste:

LE
User avatar
Ben
Posts: 18438
Joined: Wed Dec 31, 2008 12:49 am
Location: kanamaluka

Re: For those in relationships...

Post by Ben »

Lazy_eye wrote:Is your spouse or significant other also practicing Buddhism?
No
Lazy_eye wrote:If not, how does he/she regard your practice?
It depends... sometimes she thinks its a waste of time, other times its just what I do. The acid test is that she is supportive of taking my kids to childrens meditation courses.
Lazy_eye wrote:Do any concerns come up, and if so, how do you address them?
We talk about them. She doesn't put any pressure on me to break my sila or restrictions regarding livelihood.
Lazy_eye wrote:How easy do you find it to integrate your practice and your relationship?
I don't feel its an issue. In retrospect I don't think its a matter of integrating practice with relationship rather than two people integrating themselves into a viable partnership. The issues that may come up as a result of friction between a practitioner and his/her partner are going to be there regardless if one, both or none are practicing. If your taking time out to go and meditate is causing some headaches, then I suggest you do as I did and time your meditation when your partner/family are in bed - very early morning and late at night. And I also suggest you let your actions speak for themselves.
Lazy_eye wrote:Thanks in advance for your thoughts on this..
np!

Ben
“No lists of things to be done. The day providential to itself. The hour. There is no later. This is later. All things of grace and beauty such that one holds them to one's heart have a common provenance in pain. Their birth in grief and ashes.”
- Cormac McCarthy, The Road

Learn this from the waters:
in mountain clefts and chasms,
loud gush the streamlets,
but great rivers flow silently.
- Sutta Nipata 3.725

Compassionate Hands Foundation (Buddhist aid in Myanmar) • Buddhist Global ReliefUNHCR

e: [email protected]..
User avatar
Fede
Posts: 1182
Joined: Tue Dec 30, 2008 10:33 pm
Location: The Heart of this "Green & Pleasant Land"...
Contact:

Re: For those in relationships...

Post by Fede »

I am in a relationship, and though my partner lists his 'religion' as Buddhist, on Facebook, it's really more as a nod and out of respect for me, than for any personal vocational reasons.
He respects my calling, and is curious.
He tells me (and I know you only have my word for it, but I'm being honest) that he thinks I'm one of the kindest and least harmful people he knows.
he has mellowed much in the time I have known him.
He's still volatile, but friends have marked upon the changes in him.
This is more, I am sure, out of a desire to effect change in himself as a result of 'seeing', than of any direct influence I have purposely tried to implement upon him, myself....

Any 'problems' within the relationship cannot be laid at the feet of Buddhism. It has not caused any dissent, division or rift, or clash of ideas.
Rather, whatever may have brought any of these about, I would say is down to my own sense of attachment, grasping and clinging, and seeking satisfaction in transitory things, fleeting and impermanent as they are.

I make every Effort to practise in my relationship. If I fail, it's my fault.....

Hope this helps.

:namaste:
Last edited by Fede on Sun Apr 05, 2009 7:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"Samsara: The human condition's heartbreaking inability to sustain contentment." Elizabeth Gilbert, 'Eat, Pray, Love'.

Simplify: 17 into 1 WILL go: Mindfulness!

Quieta movere magna merces videbatur. (Sallust, c.86-c.35 BC)
Translation: Just to stir things up seemed a good reward in itself. ;)

I am sooooo happy - How on earth could I be otherwise?! :D


http://www.armchairadvice.co.uk/relationships/forum/" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;
User avatar
jcsuperstar
Posts: 1915
Joined: Wed Dec 31, 2008 5:15 am
Location: alaska
Contact:

Re: For those in relationships...

Post by jcsuperstar »

Lazy_eye wrote:Is your spouse or significant other also practicing Buddhism? If not, how does he/she regard your practice? Do any concerns come up, and if so, how do you address them?
yes, in fact thats how we met...
How easy do you find it to integrate your practice and your relationship?
pretty easy as we spend a lot of time at the thai temple here in town..
สัพเพ สัตตา สุขีตา โหนตุ

the mountain may be heavy in and of itself, but if you're not trying to carry it it's not heavy to you- Ajaan Suwat
User avatar
Rui Sousa
Posts: 366
Joined: Thu Jan 22, 2009 4:01 pm
Location: London, UK

Re: For those in relationships...

Post by Rui Sousa »

Lazy_eye wrote:Is your spouse or significant other also practicing Buddhism?
No.
If not, how does he/she regard your practice?
With distance. Sometimes I feel she is afraid I might leave home to become a monk :)
Do any concerns come up, and if so, how do you address them?
How to raise children, should they be Catholics or Buddhists? I said its their choice, they should be allowed to pursue any religious option they make, it is our task to provide them the means to do so.
How easy do you find it to integrate your practice and your relationship?
Very easy and beneficial for both parts.
With Metta
User avatar
BubbaBuddhist
Posts: 640
Joined: Sat Jan 03, 2009 5:55 am
Location: Knoxville, Tennessee
Contact:

Re: For those in relationships...

Post by BubbaBuddhist »

My wife is Buddhist, in fact we met on e-sangha. The interesting thing is that I'm Theravada and she's Tibetan gelugpa. We're a bi-partisan household. Early on we made a pact: the first one of us to reach Realization the other one will switch over. :P

That said, this has been no cure for normal domestic stress. Marriage is a process where you basically swap single-person suffering for married person suffering, and it's a test of your practice how you deal with this stress while maintaining compassion and equilibrium.

Some time ago I decided against taking the robe, although I yearned to do so, because I realized if I did, I would be unable to help my son, who has psychological problems and has no other family than me to help him when he's in trouble, financially and emotionally. I decided for me to join the sangha at that time would have been a act of utter selfishness. Some time later, I also decided I would partake of the joys of lay life as described by the Buddha in several suttas. I saw no reason to live as a monk without actually being part of the community of monks. So I engaged in the comforts of marriage, a home and having cats. But every time you make a choice you give something up. Every decision has consequences. How you deal with those consequences can be graceful or not. :buddha1:

J

J
Author of Redneck Buddhism: or Will You Reincarnate as Your Own Cousin?
nathan
Posts: 692
Joined: Sat Feb 07, 2009 3:11 am

Re: For those in relationships...

Post by nathan »

I have maintained no relationship for a decade (so I realize that I shouldn't even post here but I have had intimate relationships in the past and) because I could see this exchange of forms of suffering in it along with it's obvious merits I have since refrained from it. That and it has seemed as entirely likely that I would flee the world for the relative sanctuary of the ordained sangha regardless of my other choices even when I was in a relationship. Had I had children I would have felt entirely obligated to meet those responsibilities to the best of my capabilities and this has always been the primary concern I have had in regards to any intimate relationship. The potential fate of any potential children has been a consideration regardless of whether or not I would go on to provide for them in any way. That is, the capacity for any woman so involved with me and others socially to see to their care or well being apart from me, should she so wish as this is an ongoing potential reality for men in my country. Regardless of their intentions, women simply have greater rights and men have the greater burden of proof in terms of legal domestic custody concerns. This was all important to me as well along with that shared intention of concern prior to any intimacy at all. At this more advanced age I look back at all of those involvements with both thankful appreciation and relief at the overall outcomes even though some of those relationships may have taken other positive directions and continued to now with much different outcomes.
Last edited by nathan on Thu Apr 02, 2009 2:09 am, edited 1 time in total.
But whoever walking, standing, sitting, or lying down overcomes thought, delighting in the stilling of thought: he's capable, a monk like this, of touching superlative self-awakening. § 110. {Iti 4.11; Iti 115}
User avatar
zavk
Posts: 1161
Joined: Tue Jan 20, 2009 12:04 pm
Location: Melbourne, Australia

Re: For those in relationships...

Post by zavk »

Hi LE,

My partner is not Buddhist but she has no problems with my practice whatsoever. In fact, she agrees with and appreciates Buddhist ideals. She just doesn't feel the inclination to take refuge in the path. Maybe she will one day, I don't know.

My practice has definitely benefited our relationship in that it has taught me responsibility, kindness, patience, etc, etc. This of course requires constant effort. And to the extent that she has seen how much I have benefited from the dhamma she has been very supportive.

She does tease me occasionally about being 'Buddhist' when I try to be moderate with various indulgences such as partying and gossiping. But it's all good.

:juggling:

Best wishes,
zavk
With metta,
zavk
User avatar
retrofuturist
Posts: 27848
Joined: Tue Dec 30, 2008 9:52 pm
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Contact:

Re: For those in relationships...

Post by retrofuturist »

Greetings Lazy_eye,
Lazy_eye wrote:Is your spouse or significant other also practicing Buddhism?
No.
Lazy_eye wrote:If not, how does he/she regard your practice?
Initially with abhorrent disgust, which has since transferred into acceptance and a bit of homour about me being a hippy.
Lazy_eye wrote:Do any concerns come up, and if so, how do you address them?
The only tangible issue that comes up is that I'd like to go on meditation retreats but she doesn't cope well when I'm uncontactable for any significant length of time. I squeeze in formal meditation but I recognise and accept that opportunities for more extensive meditation sittings (even in a home environment) may be up to a couple of decades away.... until then there's a focus on daily mindfulness, Dhamma study and wise reflection.
Lazy_eye wrote:How easy do you find it to integrate your practice and your relationship?
Not too difficult, putting aside the meditation issues mentioned previously.

Metta,
Retro. :)
"Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."
User avatar
AdvaitaJ
Posts: 234
Joined: Sat Jan 24, 2009 1:17 am
Location: Michigan, USA

Re: For those in relationships...

Post by AdvaitaJ »

Lazy_eye wrote:Is your spouse or significant other also practicing Buddhism?
Nope, she's a Christian.
Lazy_eye wrote: If not, how does he/she regard your practice? Do any concerns come up, and if so, how do you address them?
She sees the difference it has made in me and she likes the "kinder gentler me". (Whenever I write that, it always sounds like I was a murdering baby-eater before, which was definitely not the case!)
Lazy_eye wrote:How easy do you find it to integrate your practice and your relationship?
I've had to work at finding quiet time for quality cushion time. I generally get up over an hour before she does on the weekends just so I can take advantage of the quiet in the house. Lately, and this is another of those weird things, she's had choir and/or choir practice two nights a week. More quiet practice time!

We also have some fun with it. There was a dhamma talk that I listened to that said regular practice develops "powers". I played that for her and my daughter and we get a good chuckle teasing each other about my "powers".

The one very curious aspect is right before bed. (We've been married almost 30 years, so chillax.) I suspect that, like many others, I read before bed. The Buddha, of course, and also Bhikku Bodhi, Ajahn Brahm, Sayadaw U Pandita, etc. What's curious is that she will make an effort to be available for me to read to her! We sometimes discuss what I've read, but I don't discuss her interest in hearing the reading for fear of having it become "a thing". She says she just likes hearing my voice, but I'm not so sure.

Regards: AdvaitaJ
The birds have vanished down the sky. Now the last cloud drains away.
We sit together, the mountain and me, until only the mountain remains.
Li Bai
User avatar
Lazy_eye
Posts: 996
Joined: Fri Jan 23, 2009 3:23 pm
Location: Laurel, MD
Contact:

Re: For those in relationships...

Post by Lazy_eye »

Thank you all for the interesting and insightful replies. This is a topic I periodically find myself thinking about, and it's beneficial to hear about your experiences and approaches (as varied as these are!).

Metta,
LE
User avatar
Jechbi
Posts: 1268
Joined: Thu Jan 01, 2009 3:38 am
Contact:

Re: For those in relationships...

Post by Jechbi »

Lazy_eye wrote:Is your spouse or significant other also practicing Buddhism?
Yes, in her own way, according to what she learned growing up.
Do any concerns come up, and if so, how do you address them?
No concerns come up about this.
How easy do you find it to integrate your practice and your relationship?
Broadly speaking, our relationship is good practice. Narrowly speaking, when it comes to a choice between sitting or spending time with her, I tend to choose the latter. But that's easy.
:smile:
Rain soddens what is kept wrapped up,
But never soddens what is open;
Uncover, then, what is concealed,
Lest it be soddened by the rain.
User avatar
retrofuturist
Posts: 27848
Joined: Tue Dec 30, 2008 9:52 pm
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Contact:

Re: For those in relationships...

Post by retrofuturist »

Greetings,

Well I'll be observing my first regular Uposatha Day on Thursday (the only other times I've done it have been whilst on retreat or with the family away) so I'll let you know if that raises any issues!

After having my son's birthday party yesterday and a big dinner, the thought of not eating the wrong side of noon sounds like a happy proposition!

Metta,
Retro. :)
"Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."
rowyourboat
Posts: 1952
Joined: Sat Jan 03, 2009 5:29 pm
Location: London, UK

Re: For those in relationships...

Post by rowyourboat »

Lazy_eye wrote:Is your spouse or significant other also practicing Buddhism?
Buddhist, but not practicing meditation currently- has been on retreats before,
Lazy_eye wrote:If not, how does he/she regard your practice?
we vary in our motivation to practice, I want to practice more often and get a bit dissapointed when she doesnt want to do as much- but i am getting used to it with time. she reins me in when I practice so much that it affects the relationship- in terms of detachment and reducing sensual pleasure -but we do have a common goal once our biological duties are done to pursue the practice 'full time'
Lazy_eye wrote:Do any concerns come up, and if so, how do you address them?
we talk about- I practice less at times- it is a lot to do with timing in life I think- trying to find areas in which i can progress without having to impinge on the commitment i made to this relationship
Lazy_eye wrote:How easy do you find it to integrate your practice and your relationship?
not easy- but the relationship has helped me grow in ways i would not have otherwise- patience, setting aside my own cravings and ego at times, also made me more assertive and talking about problems in way that doesnt hurt




[/quote]
With Metta

Karuna
Mudita
& Upekkha
User avatar
Zack
Posts: 26
Joined: Wed Mar 25, 2009 2:05 am
Location: Texas

Re: For those in relationships...

Post by Zack »

Lazy_eye wrote:Is your spouse or significant other also practicing Buddhism? If not, how does he/she regard your practice? Do any concerns come up, and if so, how do you address them?

How easy do you find it to integrate your practice and your relationship?

Thanks in advance for your thoughts on this..

:namaste:

LE
No, My wife claims Christianity but does not attend a church or practice in anyway that I am aware of.

My wife respects my Buddhist involvement and is generally encouraging and supportive, She often tells me she wants to learn more about Buddhism but has never but any effort in it.

Concerns are mostly over my daughter {12} and school. She is currently attending a christian school where being supportive of Buddhism could lead to an unnecessary distraction from the other children or possibly even teachers. These concerns or mostly mine and has never actually been a problem as of yet.

The biggest problem that I encounter is my wife's aversion to Roaches. She demands that I kill them on sight and claims to feel ill if she sees or even thinks of me catching them. I sometimes forget myself and kill one from time to time for her.

I also tend to be Self-conscious about my practice not wanting to seem strange to my family.
I am of nature to decay, I have not gone beyond decay.
I am of the nature to be diseased, I have not gone beyond disease.
I am of the nature to die, I have not done beyond death.
All that is mine, dear and delightful, will change and vanish.
I am the owner of my kamma, heir to my kamma, born of my kamma, related to
my kamma, abide supported by my kamma. Whatever kamma I shall do,
whether good or evil, of that I shall be the heir.
Thus we should frequently recollect.
- Upajjhatthana Sutta, Anguttara Nikaya v.57
Post Reply