Joke!!!

Casual discussion amongst spiritual friends.
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Kim OHara
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Location: North Queensland, Australia

Re: Joke!!!

Post by Kim OHara » Tue Feb 08, 2011 5:51 am

This one turned up in my inbox yesterday and it's an obvious soulmate to the joke above ...

How to wash a toilet

1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.




2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. 



3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid... 



4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.



5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'.



6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.



7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid. 




8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off. 


9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.


Yours Sincerely,  

The Dog 

Kaktus
Posts: 23
Joined: Sat Oct 23, 2010 2:24 pm
Location: Germany

Re: Joke!!!

Post by Kaktus » Tue Feb 08, 2011 8:05 am

These quotes are from one of my favorite blogs:

These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
====
Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
====
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
====
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
====
Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?
====
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up that morning?
A: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
====
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
====
Q: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
====
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
====
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
====
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
====
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
====
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
====
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
====
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
====
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
====
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
====
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr.. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
====
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
====
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practising law somewhere.
English isn´t my native language. So please accept my apologies for my kind of spelling and grammar ;-)

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cooran
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran » Thu Feb 10, 2011 8:00 pm

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest.

He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.

Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---

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cooran
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Location: Queensland, Australia

Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran » Fri Feb 11, 2011 9:06 am

A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.

The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, "Please, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me."

The passenger, who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn't realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much, to which the driver replied,
"I'm sorry, it's really not your fault at all. Today is my first day driving a cab, I have been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---

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cooran
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Location: Queensland, Australia

Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran » Sat Feb 12, 2011 9:03 pm

A rather old fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language, was planning a weeks holiday in Sydney with her husband, so she wrote to a particular camping ground and asked for a reservation.

She wanted to make sure that the camping ground was fully equipped, but didn't know quite how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself
to write the word "toilet" in her letter.

After much thought, she finally came up with the old fashioned term "Bathroom closet" but when she wrote it down, she still thought she was being too forward, so she started all over again, rewrote the letter, and referred to the bathroom closet as the B.C.

"Does the camping ground have it's own B.C." is what she wrote.

Well, the camping ground owner wasn't a bit old fashioned, and he just couldn't figure out what the old lady was talking about, so he showed the letter around a few of the campers and the only thing they could come up with was that B.C. stood for Baptist Church, so he wrote the following reply.

Dear Madam,

I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure of informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of our camping ground, and is capable of seating 250 people at one time.

I admit that it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of campers go there and many take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive nice and early and stay quite late.

The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that there is a special supper planned there to raise money to buy more seats so that everyone will be able to sit in comfort.

I would like to say that it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly, but it is surely no lack of desire on my part, just that I am so busy most of the time.

As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort to go, especially in the cold weather. If you decide to come down to our camping ground perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you and introduce you to all the other folks.

Remember this is a very friendly community
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---

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cooran
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Location: Queensland, Australia

Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran » Mon Feb 14, 2011 8:34 am

A duck was about to cross the road, when a chicken ran up to him and said –

“Don’t do it, man. You will never hear the end of it!!”

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A policeman brought four boys before a judge.
"They were causing an awful lot of commotion at the zoo, your Honor," he said.

"Boys," said the judge sternly, "I never like to hear reports of juvenile delinquency.
Now I want each of you to tell me your name and what you were doing wrong."

"My name is George," said the first boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."

"My name is Pete," said the second boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."

"My name is Mike," said the third boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen."

"My name is Peanuts," said the fourth boy.
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---

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DNS
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by DNS » Mon Feb 14, 2011 6:53 pm

An Italian Mother

Mrs. Ravioli comes to visit her son Anthony for dinner. He lives with a
female
roommate, Maria.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how
pretty Anthony's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship
between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started
to wonder if there was more between Anthony and his roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, Anthony volunteered, 'I know what you must be
thinking, but I assure you, Maria and I are just roommates.'

About a week later, Maria came to Anthony saying, 'Ever since your mother
came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver sugar bowl. You don't
suppose she took it, do you?'

Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure.'


So he sat down and wrote an email:

Dear Mama,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the sugar bowl from my house; I'm not
saying that you 'did not' take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing
ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Anthony

Several days later, Anthony received a response email from his Mama which
read:
____

Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Maria, and I'm not saying that you
'do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her
“OWN Bed”, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.

Love, Mama

Moral: Never lie to your Mama . . .

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cooran
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Location: Queensland, Australia

Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran » Tue Feb 15, 2011 9:18 am

Baby Jokes:

Three men were having a drink in a bar and discussing coincidences.

The first man said, " my wife was reading a "Tale of Two Cities" and she gave birth to twins"

"That’s funny", the second man remarked, "my wife was reading 'The Three Musketeers' and she gave birth to triplets"

The third man shouted, "Good God, I have to rush home!" When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed,
" When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali baba and the Forty Thieves"!!!

=================================
An Aussie cricket and baby joke:

A man who's wife was pregnant couldn't bear to be in the delivery room at the time of the birth.
So he thought he'd ring up later to see if it had come yet.

He rang up and the nurse said "it's a girl ... but theres another one on the way"
He rang again later and the nurse said "it's another girl ... but there's another coming"
He rang once more and the nurse said " it's a boy .... but there's another coming"

He couldn't stand it any more so he went to the pub and got drunk.

An hour later he was really nervous.
He was dialling the hospital, hands shaking, and accidently dialled the sports line.

He asked " how many did we get mate?"
The person replied "198 all out.... and the last one was a duck"

==========================================
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---

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cooran
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Location: Queensland, Australia

Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran » Wed Feb 16, 2011 9:35 am

A woman was worried whether or not her dead husband made it to heaven, so she decided to try to contact his spirit by having a seance.

Sure enough, after the usual mumbo-jumbo of calling to the spirits, her husband's voice was heard answering, "Hello Margaret, this is meeee..."

"Fred," she answered. I just have to know if you're happy there in the afterlife. What's it like there?"

"Ooooooh, it's much more beautiful here than I ever imagined," Fred answered. "The sky is bluer, the air is cleaner, and the pastures are much more lush and green than I ever expected. And the only thing we do, all day long, are eat and sleep, eat and sleep, over and over."

"Thank God, you made it to heaven," his wife cried.

"Heaven?" he answered. "What heaven? I'm a buffalo in Montana."
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---

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cooran
Posts: 8504
Joined: Tue Jan 06, 2009 11:32 pm
Location: Queensland, Australia

Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran » Thu Feb 17, 2011 8:28 am

A nursery school driver was delivering a van full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog.

The children started discussing the dog’s duties.

‘They use him to keep crowds back,’ said Tommy.

‘No,’ said Billy, ‘he’s just for good luck.’

Peter brought the argument to a close. ‘They use the dogs, he said firmly, to find the fire hydrants….'
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---

User avatar
cooran
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Joined: Tue Jan 06, 2009 11:32 pm
Location: Queensland, Australia

Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran » Sat Feb 19, 2011 7:50 am

A man walking down the street noticed a small boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house.

Even when he jumped up, he couldn't quite reach it.

The man decided to help the boy, walked up on to the porch and pushed the doorbell.

He looked down at the boy, smiled and asked, "What now?"
The boy answered, "Now we run like crazy!"
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---

Drolma
Posts: 1
Joined: Mon Feb 21, 2011 7:08 pm

Re: Joke!!!

Post by Drolma » Mon Feb 21, 2011 7:20 pm

Ben wrote:
Hi Mike

I've started keeping a practice diary of sorts: http://benoloughlin.wordpress.com/" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;
kind regards

Ben
Image

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cooran
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Location: Queensland, Australia

Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran » Wed Feb 23, 2011 9:22 am

A bus station is where a bus stops.
A train station is where a train stops.
Now you know why they call it a workstation!

----------------------------------------------------
Building Security has notified us that there have been 5 suspected terrorists working at our office.
Four of the five have been apprehended.
Bin Sleeping, Bin Loafing, Bin Gossiping, and Bin Surfing have been taken into custody.

Security advised us that they could find no one fitting the description of the fifth cell member, Bin Working, in the office.
Police are confident that anyone who looks like Bin Working will be very easy to spot.

They thought they had apprehended Bin Working sitting at a desk, but it was actually Bin Surfing trying to impersonate Bin Working.

---------------------------------------------------

One CEO always scheduled staff meetings for 4:30 on Friday afternoons.
One of the employees finally got up the nerve to ask why, the CEO explained, “I’ll tell you its very simple – it’s the only time of the week when none of you seems to want to argue with me.”

---------------------------------------------------
A Japanese soap manufacturing company received a complaint that a consumer had bought a box of soap that was empty.
Management tasked its engineersto solve the problem permanently to avoid any reoccurrence.

The engineers worked hard to devise an X-ray machine with high-resolution monitors manned by two people to watch all the soapboxes that passed
through the line to make sure they were not empty. No doubt, they worked hard and they worked fast.

But a rank-and-file employee that was posed the same problem came out with another solution.
He bought a strong industrial electric fan and pointed it at the assembly line.
He switched the fan on, and as each soapbox passed the fan, it simply blew the empty boxes out of the line.

----------------------------------------------------
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---

User avatar
cooran
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Joined: Tue Jan 06, 2009 11:32 pm
Location: Queensland, Australia

Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran » Fri Feb 25, 2011 9:32 am

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, and a Swiss man go to a pub.

The bouncer says, ..."Sorry. I can’ t let you in without a Thai."
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---

User avatar
cooran
Posts: 8504
Joined: Tue Jan 06, 2009 11:32 pm
Location: Queensland, Australia

Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran » Sun Feb 27, 2011 7:28 am

A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.

After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."

The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."

The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "And here's another miracle. Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---

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