So scared

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jmeff
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Joined: Wed Jun 23, 2010 7:28 am

So scared

Post by jmeff »

When I was 14 I got into zen very intensly with no teacher. I read all sorts of buddist books meditated hours and hours a day. I had some amazing experiences in the beggining. Then when I was 16 I had an experience of complete seperation Some people call it depersonalization. Following that experience I had extreem anxiety and depression. I suffer from PTSD I got as a child also. Anyways I'm 25 years old I've been put on 5 different medications for major depression and spending 7 years in a addiction. I am now 2 years sober in alcoholics anymous. I've been able to find some spirituality but I still have some terrible memories of the feelings and experiences I had while meditating. It's almost tramatic. Whenever someone metions buddism or metitation my heart sinks. Sometimes when it's sunny out I drift deep into that horrible alienation zen brought me. I just wish I never found budism. I Just want to find peace, to heal from this negative association. I know I can't practice buddism anymore, which makes me sad because I did like something about. Like anyone I wanted to be free but instead got punished for it. I thought for awhile if I can't attain enlightenment there's no reason to live. I just want a new path I can walk and make peace with the path. A part if me says the buddist path is the only way to peace. I guess I need clarity and aceptance and permision to follow a different path to peace.
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Hanzze
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Location: Cambodia

Re: So scared

Post by Hanzze »

_/\_
Last edited by Hanzze on Tue Feb 01, 2011 1:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Just that! *smile*
...We Buddhists must find the courage to leave our temples and enter the temples of human experience, temples that are filled with suffering. If we listen to Buddha, Christ, or Gandhi, we can do nothing else. The refugee camps, the prisons, the ghettos, and the battlefields will become our temples. We have so much work to do. ... Peace is Possible! Step by Step. - Samtach Preah Maha Ghosananda "Step by Step" http://www.ghosananda.org/bio_book.html

BUT! it is important to become a real Buddhist first. Like Punna did: Punna Sutta Nate sante baram sokham _()_
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Kim OHara
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Location: North Queensland, Australia

Re: So scared

Post by Kim OHara »

Hello, jmeff :hello:
Many of us did things as teenagers that later seem to have not been very smart or sensible, however well-intentioned they were at the time. Yours is a bit unusual, but the way to deal with it must be the usual one: acknowledge the problem (which you've done - good :smile: ) and get on with the rest of your life.
If you are still attracted to the Buddhist path but can't deal with meditation, how about looking at the traditional lay Buddhist path - 5 Precepts and a focus on generosity and compassion? It is absolutely valid in its own right, and the stability it can bring to your life may bring you the equanimity to deal more comfortably with the alienation you fell into.
All the best for the future, whatever you decide.
:namaste:
Kim
Reductor
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Re: So scared

Post by Reductor »

:goodpost:

I was going to give you permission to take a different path. But Kim has given much better advice. :)

When we start looking at reality, sometimes we just don't like what we see. If it has caused alienation, then perhaps you should find an experienced meditation teacher in some Buddhist tradition with which to discuss it.

Who knows? Maybe it can come to be moderated into a useful insight, under the tutelage of the right teacher.

And if you don't wish to pursue that path, then, as has been pointed out, there is a very rewarding form of lay practice that you can take up. I wouldn't be surprised if that's just what you need.
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Viscid
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Re: So scared

Post by Viscid »

I'm curious as to why you got yourself involved in Zen practice at such an early age? Were you socially secluded? Depressed? Looking for something?

And I agree with Kim's advice. Work on your relationships, career and health. Meditating isn't going to do you any good if you think it harmful.
"What holds attention determines action." - William James
jmeff
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Joined: Wed Jun 23, 2010 7:28 am

Re: So scared

Post by jmeff »

Thanks for the replys guys. Ya I don't think what I was practacing was really true buddism. I never had a teacher just me. I used meditation to escape kinda like a drug. I do love the priciples of a lay person but a part of me think there lesser than monks. I dono. I follow the 12 steps of alcoholics anymous. I guess u can look them up if your curious. But it's really all about getting rid of old ideas clearing away the reckage of the past and helping others. Us that good enough????
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Kim OHara
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Re: So scared

Post by Kim OHara »

God enough?
It's far more than most people aim for!
:thumbsup:
Kim
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Hanzze
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Joined: Mon Oct 04, 2010 12:47 pm
Location: Cambodia

Re: So scared

Post by Hanzze »

_/\_
Last edited by Hanzze on Tue Feb 01, 2011 1:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Just that! *smile*
...We Buddhists must find the courage to leave our temples and enter the temples of human experience, temples that are filled with suffering. If we listen to Buddha, Christ, or Gandhi, we can do nothing else. The refugee camps, the prisons, the ghettos, and the battlefields will become our temples. We have so much work to do. ... Peace is Possible! Step by Step. - Samtach Preah Maha Ghosananda "Step by Step" http://www.ghosananda.org/bio_book.html

BUT! it is important to become a real Buddhist first. Like Punna did: Punna Sutta Nate sante baram sokham _()_
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Phra Chuntawongso
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Re: So scared

Post by Phra Chuntawongso »

jmeff wrote:Thanks for the replys guys. Ya I don't think what I was practacing was really true buddism. I never had a teacher just me. I used meditation to escape kinda like a drug. I do love the priciples of a lay person but a part of me think there lesser than monks. I dono. I follow the 12 steps of alcoholics anymous. I guess u can look them up if your curious. But it's really all about getting rid of old ideas clearing away the reckage of the past and helping others. Us that good enough????
Nothing wrong with being a lay person my friend.Forget being lesser than a monk.Not all monks may be good monks and there are many good lay people out there.Just look at the kind words and understanding you have received from lay people on this site.
Good luck and best wishes on your path.
With metta,
Phra Greg
And crawling on the planets face,some insects called the human race.
Lost in time
Lost in space
And meaning
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ground
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Re: So scared

Post by ground »

I guess it is no good idea to start with Zen without buddhist teacher and based on the off-the shelf-Zen-literature that is available in the West. It is likely that one may be deluded into nihilism in that way.
Meditation without having been instructed may be dangerous. Especially if there are certain "non-conducive inclinations".

Kind regards
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Hanzze
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Joined: Mon Oct 04, 2010 12:47 pm
Location: Cambodia

Re: So scared

Post by Hanzze »

_/\_
Last edited by Hanzze on Tue Feb 01, 2011 1:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Just that! *smile*
...We Buddhists must find the courage to leave our temples and enter the temples of human experience, temples that are filled with suffering. If we listen to Buddha, Christ, or Gandhi, we can do nothing else. The refugee camps, the prisons, the ghettos, and the battlefields will become our temples. We have so much work to do. ... Peace is Possible! Step by Step. - Samtach Preah Maha Ghosananda "Step by Step" http://www.ghosananda.org/bio_book.html

BUT! it is important to become a real Buddhist first. Like Punna did: Punna Sutta Nate sante baram sokham _()_
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tiltbillings
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Re: So scared

Post by tiltbillings »

Hanzze wrote:As the precepts/compassion is the first active step, not archived a good amount of it meditation leads only to the opposite (harder believe on opinion or believe).
Huh?
>> Do you see a man wise [enlightened/ariya] in his own eyes? There is more hope for a fool than for him.<< -- Proverbs 26:12

This being is bound to samsara, kamma is his means for going beyond. -- SN I, 38.

“Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?” HPatDH p.723
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Hanzze
Posts: 1906
Joined: Mon Oct 04, 2010 12:47 pm
Location: Cambodia

Re: So scared

Post by Hanzze »

_/\_
Last edited by Hanzze on Tue Feb 01, 2011 1:49 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Just that! *smile*
...We Buddhists must find the courage to leave our temples and enter the temples of human experience, temples that are filled with suffering. If we listen to Buddha, Christ, or Gandhi, we can do nothing else. The refugee camps, the prisons, the ghettos, and the battlefields will become our temples. We have so much work to do. ... Peace is Possible! Step by Step. - Samtach Preah Maha Ghosananda "Step by Step" http://www.ghosananda.org/bio_book.html

BUT! it is important to become a real Buddhist first. Like Punna did: Punna Sutta Nate sante baram sokham _()_
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tiltbillings
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Joined: Wed Dec 31, 2008 9:25 am

Re: So scared

Post by tiltbillings »

Hanzze wrote:But, tiltbillings,. . .
The "huh?" had to do with not understanding what you said, which is a frequent failing of mine.
>> Do you see a man wise [enlightened/ariya] in his own eyes? There is more hope for a fool than for him.<< -- Proverbs 26:12

This being is bound to samsara, kamma is his means for going beyond. -- SN I, 38.

“Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?” HPatDH p.723
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Hanzze
Posts: 1906
Joined: Mon Oct 04, 2010 12:47 pm
Location: Cambodia

Re: So scared

Post by Hanzze »

_/\_
Last edited by Hanzze on Tue Feb 01, 2011 2:12 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Just that! *smile*
...We Buddhists must find the courage to leave our temples and enter the temples of human experience, temples that are filled with suffering. If we listen to Buddha, Christ, or Gandhi, we can do nothing else. The refugee camps, the prisons, the ghettos, and the battlefields will become our temples. We have so much work to do. ... Peace is Possible! Step by Step. - Samtach Preah Maha Ghosananda "Step by Step" http://www.ghosananda.org/bio_book.html

BUT! it is important to become a real Buddhist first. Like Punna did: Punna Sutta Nate sante baram sokham _()_
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