should I marry or be single?

Balancing family life and the Dhamma, in pursuit of a happy lay life.
User avatar
Ceisiwr
Posts: 9202
Joined: Sun Jan 11, 2009 2:36 am
Location: United Kingdom

Re: should I marry or be single?

Post by Ceisiwr »

cappuccino wrote: Wed Feb 19, 2020 11:29 pm
Ceisiwr wrote: He probably slept with a lot of women before leaving home too.
of all people… he would be asexual
Why?
“His deliverance, being founded upon truth, is unshakeable. For that is false, bhikkhu, which has a deceptive nature, and that is true which has an undeceptive nature—Nibbāna. Therefore a bhikkhu possessing this truth possesses the supreme foundation of truth. For this, bhikkhu, is the supreme noble truth, namely, Nibbāna, which has an undeceptive nature.

Dhātuvibhaṅga Sutta
User avatar
cappuccino
Posts: 5114
Joined: Thu Feb 11, 2016 1:45 am

Re: should I marry or be single?

Post by cappuccino »

Ceisiwr wrote:
cappuccino wrote:
Ceisiwr wrote: He probably slept with a lot of women before leaving home too.
of all people… he would be asexual
Why?
he lost interest
888
Posts: 2
Joined: Thu Feb 20, 2020 2:44 pm

Re: should I marry or be single?

Post by 888 »

There is a recommendation from the Buddha on this very subject in the Sigalovada Sutta, the Buddha's Advice to Sigala (https://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitak ... .nara.html).

In it, the Buddha tells the lay man to provide his wife with adornments, be faithful to her, not despise her, and other things. These are duties.

In my way of looking at it, as a lay person, following this advice, performing the duties of a lay man to his lay wife, is practicing the Dhamma. It is learning and applying the teachings.

As the Buddha advised, try for yourself and see if it works, if not discard the practice, if yes, keep it.

My own experience allowed me to have a meaningful and good relationship based on following the Sigalovada Sutta's teachings.

One should not discount the possibility of lessening suffering, finding happiness, in this very life.

May you be happy.
User avatar
confusedlayman
Posts: 3363
Joined: Fri Jun 21, 2019 12:16 am
Location: Human Realm (as of now)

Re: should I marry or be single?

Post by confusedlayman »

cappuccino wrote: Thu Feb 20, 2020 12:01 am
Ceisiwr wrote:
cappuccino wrote:

of all people… he would be asexual
Why?
he lost interest
after enlightment buddha was physically capable but mentally incapable because he dont delight in any pleasure so without mental intention he cant do that act. i want to be like him. i dont want to cut my part that produce semen but i want to cut the mind that craves for it only to lose it and feel ashamed.
dont think
User avatar
manas
Posts: 2678
Joined: Thu Jul 22, 2010 3:04 am
Location: Melbourne, Australia

Re: should I marry or be single?

Post by manas »

confusedlayman wrote: Fri Feb 21, 2020 11:25 pm
after enlightment buddha was physically capable but mentally incapable because he dont delight in any pleasure so without mental intention he cant do that act. i want to be like him. i dont want to cut my part that produce semen but i want to cut the mind that craves for it only to lose it and feel ashamed.
So long as you are not breaking the precept against sexual misconduct, why feel ashamed?

Of course, I agree with striving to be rid of sex desire, using the strategies the Buddha left for us, and avoiding sexual stimulation, as much as possible. But I think we need to also be a bit patient with ourselves, because getting to the Anagami stage, where sexual lust is finally gone, might take a while...

:anjali:
To the Buddha-refuge i go; to the Dhamma-refuge i go; to the Sangha-refuge i go.
User avatar
confusedlayman
Posts: 3363
Joined: Fri Jun 21, 2019 12:16 am
Location: Human Realm (as of now)

Re: should I marry or be single?

Post by confusedlayman »

manas wrote: Fri Feb 28, 2020 5:15 am
confusedlayman wrote: Fri Feb 21, 2020 11:25 pm
after enlightment buddha was physically capable but mentally incapable because he dont delight in any pleasure so without mental intention he cant do that act. i want to be like him. i dont want to cut my part that produce semen but i want to cut the mind that craves for it only to lose it and feel ashamed.
So long as you are not breaking the precept against sexual misconduct, why feel ashamed?

Of course, I agree with striving to be rid of sex desire, using strategies the Buddha left for us, and avoiding sexual stimulation, as much as possible. But I think we need to also be a bit patient with ourselves, because getting to the Anagami stage, where sexual lust is finally gone, might a while...

:anjali:
If i hear same music i get bored. What if my wife stimulating the body parta become bored and not exciting anymore and i want to try with different girls? I thhink its risky but i cant rely on my lustful mind
dont think
TRobinson465
Posts: 680
Joined: Thu May 12, 2016 5:29 pm
Location: United States

Re: should I marry or be single?

Post by TRobinson465 »

You can do whatever you want of course, but i like to advise for being single. If you are a serious Buddhist its most beneficial to be single simply because it saves so much time for Buddhist practice not having a partner to deal with. Being single has actually allowed me to do various things in my daily life I wouldn't have had time for otherwise. Considering how short life is and how important it is to make use of your human existence in the Buddhist context, being single is certainly the most conducive way of life if you are a serious buddhist. (not that u cant be a serious buddhist and not be single, its just really helpful and clears up a lot of your schedule.). Personally i find the time consumed aspect of married life to be far more detrimental to Buddhist practice than the sensual aspect.

My thoughts.
"Do not have blind faith, but also no blind criticism" - the 14th Dalai Lama

"At Varanasi, in the Deer Park at Isipatana, the Blessed One has set in motion the unexcelled Wheel of Dhamma that cannot be stopped by brahmins, devas, Maras, Brahmas or anyone in the cosmos." -Dhammacakkappavattana Sutta

"Go forth, monks, for the good of the many, for the happiness of the many, out of compassion for the world, for the welfare, the good and the happiness of gods and men. Let no two of you go in the same direction." - First Khandhaka, Chapter 11, Vinaya.
TRobinson465
Posts: 680
Joined: Thu May 12, 2016 5:29 pm
Location: United States

Re: should I marry or be single?

Post by TRobinson465 »

TRobinson465 wrote: Fri Mar 06, 2020 2:57 am You can do whatever you want of course, but i like to advise for being single. If you are a serious Buddhist its most beneficial to be single simply because it saves so much time for Buddhist practice not having a partner to deal with. Being single has actually allowed me to do various things in my daily life I wouldn't have had time for otherwise. Considering how short life is and how important it is to make use of your human existence in the Buddhist context, being single is certainly the most conducive way of life if you are a serious buddhist. (not that u cant be a serious buddhist and not be single, its just really helpful and clears up a lot of your schedule.). Personally i find the time consumed aspect of married life to be far more detrimental to Buddhist practice than the sensual aspect.

My thoughts.
Only exception i can think of for this is if you actually marry someone who is even more of a serious Buddhist than you are and that person helps you in your Buddhist practice by motivating you to practice more diligently or something. In that case the time "lost" in dealing with the relationship could actually be more than made up for with more diligent practice than what you were doing before. In which case the sensual aspect may be the biggest detriment. But possibly worth if it helps you practice more diligently. I know of quite a few cases of non-Buddhists or casual buddhists marrying hardcore Buddhists and it basically changed thier behavior totally. In those very particular cases, marriage can be a blessing in a Buddhist context. (think of the story of Lady Visakha perhaps, who was a huge blessing to her husband and his family).

But if you're a serious practitioner, most likely its best to stay single and use the precious time of your human existence to reach attainments and make merit.
"Do not have blind faith, but also no blind criticism" - the 14th Dalai Lama

"At Varanasi, in the Deer Park at Isipatana, the Blessed One has set in motion the unexcelled Wheel of Dhamma that cannot be stopped by brahmins, devas, Maras, Brahmas or anyone in the cosmos." -Dhammacakkappavattana Sutta

"Go forth, monks, for the good of the many, for the happiness of the many, out of compassion for the world, for the welfare, the good and the happiness of gods and men. Let no two of you go in the same direction." - First Khandhaka, Chapter 11, Vinaya.
MettaDevPrac
Posts: 203
Joined: Mon Jan 27, 2020 3:44 am

Re: should I marry or be single?

Post by MettaDevPrac »

confusedlayman wrote: Wed Feb 19, 2020 2:28 am
Ceisiwr wrote: Sat Feb 15, 2020 3:36 pm If you want Nibbana in this very life you should be single.
Yes I want in this life. Buddha also had wife and kids and attained nibbana in same life so I am thinking if this is case for me?
Siddhartha had family before he fully understood in that life the Four Noble Truths; after he started the Path, these were impossible, even before the Full Awakening.

It's ok to want a secular life, OR the Holy Life, OR (even) a more fortunate rebirth if you aren't up to Going Forth in this life. But you cannot have it all at the same time, without doing harm and makng kamma...

It would be unfortunate and harmful to fail to be straightforward with any woman, with the intention of partially committing, using her or others.

So perhaps being single would be better for you, even if Going Forth is not definite.

What do you think?
- MettaDevPrac
User avatar
confusedlayman
Posts: 3363
Joined: Fri Jun 21, 2019 12:16 am
Location: Human Realm (as of now)

Re: should I marry or be single?

Post by confusedlayman »

MettaDevPrac wrote: Fri Mar 06, 2020 4:36 am
confusedlayman wrote: Wed Feb 19, 2020 2:28 am
Ceisiwr wrote: Sat Feb 15, 2020 3:36 pm If you want Nibbana in this very life you should be single.
Yes I want in this life. Buddha also had wife and kids and attained nibbana in same life so I am thinking if this is case for me?
Siddhartha had family before he fully understood in that life the Four Noble Truths; after he started the Path, these were impossible, even before the Full Awakening.

It's ok to want a secular life, OR the Holy Life, OR (even) a more fortunate rebirth if you aren't up to Going Forth in this life. But you cannot have it all at the same time, without doing harm and makng kamma...

It would be unfortunate and harmful to fail to be straightforward with any woman, with the intention of partially committing, using her or others.

So perhaps being single would be better for you, even if Going Forth is not definite.

What do you think?
yes. same thinking. im working on attaining jhana at will and then my life wont be same as now. mara is coming to me when im alone lol....
dont think
Cortadew
Posts: 37
Joined: Fri Feb 22, 2019 12:18 am

Re: should I marry or be single?

Post by Cortadew »

in Buddhism sensuality is seen as an evil, so if you engage in it you will be seen as a lower practitioner.
User avatar
confusedlayman
Posts: 3363
Joined: Fri Jun 21, 2019 12:16 am
Location: Human Realm (as of now)

Re: should I marry or be single?

Post by confusedlayman »

Cortadew wrote: Fri Apr 03, 2020 4:03 am in Buddhism sensuality is seen as an evil, so if you engage in it you will be seen as a lower practitioner.
Yes. I am in bondage and cant come out ..only way to comeout is using wisdom as my sword.... and go all out war
dont think
Cortadew
Posts: 37
Joined: Fri Feb 22, 2019 12:18 am

Re: should I marry or be single?

Post by Cortadew »

I believe ultimately the dhamma pushes celibacy as the best way to practice.
User avatar
Aloka
Posts: 6984
Joined: Wed Jan 21, 2009 2:51 pm

Re: should I marry or be single?

Post by Aloka »

DooDoot wrote: Mon Oct 07, 2019 12:27 am In Dhamma, a woman is not a sex slave. If you don't want to have children, you should have a vasectomy and honestly inform any woman you meet you have had a vasectomy and do not want to have children. Then you will find the suitable marriage partner according to Dhamma; i.e., if you can actually find a woman that in her heart of hearts does not want to have children.

:goodpost:
User avatar
Aloka
Posts: 6984
Joined: Wed Jan 21, 2009 2:51 pm

Re: should I marry or be single?

Post by Aloka »

Cortadew wrote: Fri Apr 03, 2020 4:03 am in Buddhism sensuality is seen as an evil, so if you engage in it you will be seen as a lower practitioner.
Is how one is "seen" as a practitioner very important to you, then?


.
Post Reply