should I marry or be single?

Balancing family life and the Dhamma, in pursuit of a happy lay life.
Dan74
Posts: 3176
Joined: Sun Mar 01, 2009 11:12 pm

Re: should I marry or be single?

Post by Dan74 » Fri Oct 11, 2019 1:35 pm

hi bryozoa :hello:

I respect that this has been your experience and in a way up until 20 or mine was very similar. But humans are not one herd - there are plenty of subcultures, interests and clubs where people are more introverted and where one can get to know people by engaging in a shared activity of interest. Like a Sangha, a bush-walking/hiking club, chess, etc etc Or indeed travel.

So while not an alpha or a 'bull' by anyone's definition, I have managed to find girlfriends (and sometimes they found me) and eventually raise a family. Of course at a certain stage we have to 'jump over our shadow' so to say - overcome this social awkwardness to some extent in order to be able to engage in a conversation or do something together. If you are incapable of interaction IRL, then yeah... it's not really on the cards (except for meeting someone online).

Good luck, eh
_/|\_

bryozoa
Posts: 60
Joined: Mon Oct 07, 2019 9:54 pm

Re: should I marry or be single?

Post by bryozoa » Fri Oct 11, 2019 5:12 pm

:rofl:
SDC wrote:
Fri Oct 11, 2019 2:12 am
bryozoa wrote:
Fri Oct 11, 2019 12:21 am
Most average western white males don't have any choice but to remain single.
Most? Do you have any specific figures you are basing this on?
No and I regret making that statement.

I was just assuming there might be many other socially awkward, solitary and mild men out there like me who aren't violent, arrogant or successful enough to warrant female interest.

bryozoa
Posts: 60
Joined: Mon Oct 07, 2019 9:54 pm

Re: should I marry or be single?

Post by bryozoa » Fri Oct 11, 2019 5:23 pm

Dan74 wrote:
Fri Oct 11, 2019 1:35 pm
hi bryozoa :hello:

I respect that this has been your experience and in a way up until 20 or mine was very similar. But humans are not one herd - there are plenty of subcultures, interests and clubs where people are more introverted and where one can get to know people by engaging in a shared activity of interest. Like a Sangha, a bush-walking/hiking club, chess, etc etc Or indeed travel.

So while not an alpha or a 'bull' by anyone's definition, I have managed to find girlfriends (and sometimes they found me) and eventually raise a family. Of course at a certain stage we have to 'jump over our shadow' so to say - overcome this social awkwardness to some extent in order to be able to engage in a conversation or do something together. If you are incapable of interaction IRL, then yeah... it's not really on the cards (except for meeting someone online).

Good luck, eh
Thanks.

denise
Posts: 528
Joined: Sun Sep 07, 2014 4:56 pm
Location: U.S.A.

Re: should I marry or be single?

Post by denise » Sat Oct 12, 2019 9:26 pm

dear Bryozoa...your description of yourself is rather refreshing, actually...you just don't know....take care... :hug:

Cortadew
Posts: 12
Joined: Fri Feb 22, 2019 12:18 am

Re: should I marry or be single?

Post by Cortadew » Tue Oct 15, 2019 2:39 pm

looking for a girlfriend is such a waste of time in this day and age. it's much better devouting to complete celibacy as the buddha instructed.

bryozoa
Posts: 60
Joined: Mon Oct 07, 2019 9:54 pm

Re: should I marry or be single?

Post by bryozoa » Tue Oct 15, 2019 6:56 pm

Cortadew wrote:
Tue Oct 15, 2019 2:39 pm
looking for a girlfriend is such a waste of time in this day and age. it's much better devouting to complete celibacy as the buddha instructed.
Agreed. High levels of testosterone or wealth (preferably both) are a prerequisite for success with women. I just wish that was made clear at a young age to save any disillusionment.

User avatar
Idappaccayata
Posts: 226
Joined: Sun Mar 05, 2017 8:54 pm

Re: should I marry or be single?

Post by Idappaccayata » Wed Oct 16, 2019 2:31 am

bryozoa wrote:
Tue Oct 15, 2019 6:56 pm
Cortadew wrote:
Tue Oct 15, 2019 2:39 pm
looking for a girlfriend is such a waste of time in this day and age. it's much better devouting to complete celibacy as the buddha instructed.
Agreed. High levels of testosterone or wealth (preferably both) are a prerequisite for success with women. I just wish that was made clear at a young age to save any disillusionment.
In college, I ate horribly and sat around all day so I had almost no sex drive; I was six foot one and weighed 145 lbs with zero muscle; I dressed terribly and I never had more than $100 in my bank account, and was extremely socially anxious and hated crowds. I also I had a very attractive girlfriend, by anyones standard.

It's a caricature to think girls are only attracted to weathy attractive men.

I think kindness and effort towards creating an attractive personality play more of a role than you think. Ie, it's not as much out of your influence as you might think. Maybe you've just been approaching it in an unskillful way.
A dying man can only rely upon his wisdom, if he developed it. Wisdom is not dependent upon any phenomenon originated upon six senses. It is developed on the basis of the discernment of the same. That’s why when one’s senses start to wither and die, the knowledge of their nature remains unaffected. When there is no wisdom, there will be despair, in the face of death.

- Ajahn Nyanamoli Thero

alfa
Posts: 392
Joined: Fri Mar 18, 2011 4:43 pm
Location: India

Re: should I marry or be single?

Post by alfa » Wed Oct 16, 2019 2:54 am

Idappaccayata wrote:
Wed Oct 16, 2019 2:31 am
bryozoa wrote:
Tue Oct 15, 2019 6:56 pm
Cortadew wrote:
Tue Oct 15, 2019 2:39 pm
looking for a girlfriend is such a waste of time in this day and age. it's much better devouting to complete celibacy as the buddha instructed.
Agreed. High levels of testosterone or wealth (preferably both) are a prerequisite for success with women. I just wish that was made clear at a young age to save any disillusionment.
In college, I ate horribly and sat around all day so I had almost no sex drive; I was six foot one and weighed 145 lbs with zero muscle; I dressed terribly and I never had more than $100 in my bank account, and was extremely socially anxious and hated crowds. I also I had a very attractive girlfriend, by anyones standard.

It's a caricature to think girls are only attracted to weathy attractive men.

I think kindness and effort towards creating an attractive personality play more of a role than you think. Ie, it's not as much out of your influence as you might think. Maybe you've just been approaching it in an unskillful way.
Everything boils down to luck. Money, love, success, everything. Which is why it's better not to think of these things (because our thinking isn't going to affect the outcome anyway).

bryozoa
Posts: 60
Joined: Mon Oct 07, 2019 9:54 pm

Re: should I marry or be single?

Post by bryozoa » Wed Oct 16, 2019 9:07 am

Idappaccayata wrote:
Wed Oct 16, 2019 2:31 am
In college, I ate horribly and sat around all day so I had almost no sex drive; I was six foot one and weighed 145 lbs with zero muscle; I dressed terribly and I never had more than $100 in my bank account, and was extremely socially anxious and hated crowds. I also I had a very attractive girlfriend, by anyones standard.
No mystery there. Young women are attracted to scruffy bearded stoners... just as much as thugs, 'bad-boy' and gangsters.

When I was a young man, struggling in the working world, I was clean-cut, clean shaven, short hair-cut, achingly polite although socially awkward and unable to make people laugh when I was in social environments so became increasingly distant. The girls marginalized me in social situations and gravitated toward the confident or surly men. I was a figure of ridicule and mockery.
Idappaccayata wrote:
Wed Oct 16, 2019 2:31 am
It's a caricature to think girls are only attracted to weathy attractive men.
Look at the last few pages of the antinatalism thread in the other paths forum. viewtopic.php?f=16&t=31837&start=30

Women are primarily attracted to confidence and they mistake surly and thuggish behaviour for confidence when they're younger which is why so many end up in relationships with 'bad boys' or 'arrogant surly stoned idiots'. As they get older they become more pragmatic and look at men in terms of the resources they can provide and the comfortable lifestyle they can be offered.

Cortadew
Posts: 12
Joined: Fri Feb 22, 2019 12:18 am

Re: should I marry or be single?

Post by Cortadew » Wed Oct 16, 2019 11:38 pm

bryozoa wrote:
Wed Oct 16, 2019 9:07 am
Idappaccayata wrote:
Wed Oct 16, 2019 2:31 am
In college, I ate horribly and sat around all day so I had almost no sex drive; I was six foot one and weighed 145 lbs with zero muscle; I dressed terribly and I never had more than $100 in my bank account, and was extremely socially anxious and hated crowds. I also I had a very attractive girlfriend, by anyones standard.
No mystery there. Young women are attracted to scruffy bearded stoners... just as much as thugs, 'bad-boy' and gangsters.

When I was a young man, struggling in the working world, I was clean-cut, clean shaven, short hair-cut, achingly polite although socially awkward and unable to make people laugh when I was in social environments so became increasingly distant. The girls marginalized me in social situations and gravitated toward the confident or surly men. I was a figure of ridicule and mockery.
Idappaccayata wrote:
Wed Oct 16, 2019 2:31 am
It's a caricature to think girls are only attracted to weathy attractive men.
Look at the last few pages of the antinatalism thread in the other paths forum. viewtopic.php?f=16&t=31837&start=30

Women are primarily attracted to confidence and they mistake surly and thuggish behaviour for confidence when they're younger which is why so many end up in relationships with 'bad boys' or 'arrogant surly stoned idiots'. As they get older they become more pragmatic and look at men in terms of the resources they can provide and the comfortable lifestyle they can be offered.
Very true that's why I gave up relationships altogether they bring more stress, than happiness. Whenever someones asks me if I have a girlfriend I just tell them I don't want to waste time in those things ☺️

Digity
Posts: 1435
Joined: Wed Mar 30, 2011 2:13 am

Re: should I marry or be single?

Post by Digity » Sun Nov 17, 2019 5:56 pm

I wonder how many people who become Buddhist or are attracted to Buddhism do so because they feel they've been rejected when it comes to the social aspect of life and find solace in the solitary aspect of Buddhist practice. I think the risk there is you're ignoring the underlying issues that lead to your social rejection, such as low self-esteem, etc. I don't think one's practice is going to be very smooth though if you have those underlying issues.

User avatar
manas
Posts: 2588
Joined: Thu Jul 22, 2010 3:04 am
Location: Melbourne, Australia

Re: should I marry or be single?

Post by manas » Mon Nov 18, 2019 3:34 am

confusedlayman wrote:
Sat Oct 05, 2019 12:40 am
I dont think I can have xx.. so xx is not a matter for me. it dont bother me anymore. but I still have cravings. so basically should I marry? I dont have gf before or present as I know surely I will lose them one day and attachment to them is already seen as suffering so no need to buy excess stress for myself.

since xx is not a matter im wondering if I should marry? is there any reason to marry other than having xx? do I need kids to take care when im old and can't move or to do funeral rites ? or should I die alone as orphan dead body and be in body bag till they dispose me themselves? or should I need some companion? I dont want to have xx as I recently found im mentally incapable to intentionally have and being a celibate (I use my own hand sometimes) till now didn't bother me and my happiness when alone is highest than with others. I am confused .... I want to live solitude but how should I think of this?
What you need, is metta. You can have that in the context of marriage, or among true friends, or even just sitting on your meditation cushion all alone.

As for marriage, well considering how much hard work it involves, how much time is taken up with working hard, supporting a family, raising kids (by the end of the day, many folks are quite tired out), I think if you truly have no need for xx, what's the point? But if, deep down, you do wish for xx'ual pleasure (that would be quite normal, by the way), and for the special kind of closeness that comes with xx'ual intimacy, well you could find yourself a good wife, yes.

If i could point this out: either way, there will be suffering. I'm perpetually alone, and I suffer. I have not had xx in years, and it can torment me at times (partly because of the low social standing this implies - it feels a bit humiliating to see many friends & relatives 'partnered' while I still languish alone), but also because, well I'm actually a normal, red-blooded male, and seeing / hearing / interacting with / glancing into the eyes of / noticing the pleasing aroma of attractive women, causes pangs of desire that are, to be honest, unpleasant when that desire is never satisfied (it would be less painful, to not have the desire at all, under such circumstances!) On the positive side, however, I have A LOT of free time, don't have to endure all the bargaining and subtle power struggles of relationships, or worst of all, subtle promises of xx that never eventuate (most men 'married with children' I've spoken with about it, report they only rarely get to have xx within marriage, which always puts me off...is it really worth all the hard work, if that's what it ends up like?)

Choose your dukkha wisely. Either way, there will be a degree of suffering. Marriage isn't a panacea (although I'd say the first six months are generally quite sweet, however that's over quite soon, is it not?) Be really honest with yourself, what does your heart say, in quiet hours? Do you often wish you had a partner, or do you just feel you 'should' have one?
"In the same way, Māgaṇḍiya, suppose I were to teach you the Dhamma, saying: ‘This is that health, this is that extinguishment.’ You might know health and see extinguishment. And as soon as your vision arises you might give up desire for the five grasping aggregates. And you might even think: ‘For such a long time I’ve been cheated, tricked, and deceived by this mind. For what I have been grasping is only form, feeling, perception, choices, and consciousness..."

(excerpt from: Māgaṇḍiya Sutta - https://suttacentral.net/mn75/en/sujato)

User avatar
manas
Posts: 2588
Joined: Thu Jul 22, 2010 3:04 am
Location: Melbourne, Australia

Re: should I marry or be single?

Post by manas » Mon Nov 18, 2019 4:15 am

bryozoa wrote:
Fri Oct 11, 2019 5:12 pm
:rofl:
SDC wrote:
Fri Oct 11, 2019 2:12 am
bryozoa wrote:
Fri Oct 11, 2019 12:21 am
Most average western white males don't have any choice but to remain single.
Most? Do you have any specific figures you are basing this on?
No and I regret making that statement.

I was just assuming there might be many other socially awkward, solitary and mild men out there like me who aren't violent, arrogant or successful enough to warrant female interest.
Yeah, it sure does suck being that respectful, kind man women say they want, but are rarely attracted to...I was duped big time in my youth about that one. A bit late for me now (chronic illness and in the last ten or so years of life now (could be longer, but who knows?), but you could try engaging with Dr Jordan Peterson's work, if this issue is a problem for you. (there's a saying, 'women give birth to boys; men give birth to men'. I didn't have that close male contact or mentoring in my youth).

Having said that, and sincerely: I think it's better to aim for the destruction of that desire (for sex pleasure). It would be much less trouble, to live free of it.
:anjali:
"In the same way, Māgaṇḍiya, suppose I were to teach you the Dhamma, saying: ‘This is that health, this is that extinguishment.’ You might know health and see extinguishment. And as soon as your vision arises you might give up desire for the five grasping aggregates. And you might even think: ‘For such a long time I’ve been cheated, tricked, and deceived by this mind. For what I have been grasping is only form, feeling, perception, choices, and consciousness..."

(excerpt from: Māgaṇḍiya Sutta - https://suttacentral.net/mn75/en/sujato)

binocular
Posts: 6851
Joined: Sat Jan 17, 2009 11:13 pm

Re: should I marry or be single?

Post by binocular » Mon Nov 18, 2019 4:24 pm

confusedlayman wrote:
Sat Oct 05, 2019 12:40 am
should I marry or be single?
Doesn't anyone find this question rather ... presumptuous, to say the least?
As if it is his unilateral decision whether he will marry or not. Like he's going to the grocery store and unilaterally choosig items to buy.
Every person we save is one less zombie to fight. -- World War Z

binocular
Posts: 6851
Joined: Sat Jan 17, 2009 11:13 pm

Re: should I marry or be single?

Post by binocular » Mon Nov 18, 2019 4:27 pm

bryozoa wrote:
Fri Oct 11, 2019 12:21 am
Most average western white males don't have any choice but to remain single. Young western females are becoming increasingly fussy, conditioned by the decadent media to be attracted to prideful, arrogant and violent males. The majority of females also have a host of potential suitors vying for their attention and they can just sit back (or lay back) and wait for the most aggressive man with the most resources at his disposal to approach them. Men on the other hand have very limited options especially if they have low income and an average physical appearance. Women condemn us men to remain single but worse treat us with suspicion and scorn and manipulate their alpha male bulls into bullying and harassing us at every opportunity.
Yes. I man has to look like this --

https://thumbs.gfycat.com/CalmSkeletalF ... ricted.gif

or he's not interesting.

:woohoo:
Every person we save is one less zombie to fight. -- World War Z

Post Reply

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Baidu [Spider], Dan74 and 7 guests