should I marry or be single?

Balancing family life and the Dhamma, in pursuit of a happy lay life.
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confusedlayman
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should I marry or be single?

Post by confusedlayman »

I dont think I can have xx.. so xx is not a matter for me. it dont bother me anymore. but I still have cravings. so basically should I marry? I dont have gf before or present as I know surely I will lose them one day and attachment to them is already seen as suffering so no need to buy excess stress for myself.

since xx is not a matter im wondering if I should marry? is there any reason to marry other than having xx? do I need kids to take care when im old and can't move or to do funeral rites ? or should I die alone as orphan dead body and be in body bag till they dispose me themselves? or should I need some companion? I dont want to have xx as I recently found im mentally incapable to intentionally have and being a celibate (I use my own hand sometimes) till now didn't bother me and my happiness when alone is highest than with others. I am confused .... I want to live solitude but how should I think of this?
There is no truth, no reality .. one illusion is replaced by another illusion at higher level and people call it attainment of reality
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SarathW
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Re: should I marry or be single?

Post by SarathW »

Whichever way is, it is suffering.
It is a matter of choice between whether you want to suffer as a single or a married person.
Even if you become a monk, there is an element of suffering.
Basically it depends on your objectives.
:sage:
“As the lamp consumes oil, the path realises Nibbana”
Garrib
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Re: should I marry or be single?

Post by Garrib »

confusedlayman wrote: Sat Oct 05, 2019 12:40 am I dont think I can have xx.. so xx is not a matter for me. it dont bother me anymore. but I still have cravings. so basically should I marry? I dont have gf before or present as I know surely I will lose them one day and attachment to them is already seen as suffering so no need to buy excess stress for myself.

since xx is not a matter im wondering if I should marry? is there any reason to marry other than having xx? do I need kids to take care when im old and can't move or to do funeral rites ? or should I die alone as orphan dead body and be in body bag till they dispose me themselves? or should I need some companion? I dont want to have xx as I recently found im mentally incapable to intentionally have and being a celibate (I use my own hand sometimes) till now didn't bother me and my happiness when alone is highest than with others. I am confused .... I want to live solitude but how should I think of this?
I've made a commitment to celibacy - the single life seems more appropriate for that reason! Companionship can come in many non-romantic forms.
Garrib
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Re: should I marry or be single?

Post by Garrib »

I've made a commitment to celibacy - the single life seems more appropriate for that reason! Companionship can come in many non-romantic forms.
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confusedlayman
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Re: should I marry or be single?

Post by confusedlayman »

Garrib wrote: Sat Oct 05, 2019 4:27 am I've made a commitment to celibacy - the single life seems more appropriate for that reason! Companionship can come in many non-romantic forms.
Thanks.
There is no truth, no reality .. one illusion is replaced by another illusion at higher level and people call it attainment of reality
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confusedlayman
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Re: should I marry or be single?

Post by confusedlayman »

:zzz:
SarathW wrote: Sat Oct 05, 2019 1:56 am Whichever way is, it is suffering.
It is a matter of choice between whether you want to suffer as a single or a married person.
Even if you become a monk, there is an element of suffering.
Basically it depends on your objectives.
:sage:
You right. But what are disadvantage when u have no family or no friends or no spurse or kids
There is no truth, no reality .. one illusion is replaced by another illusion at higher level and people call it attainment of reality
- CL (Confused Layman)
SarathW
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Re: should I marry or be single?

Post by SarathW »

As a layperson, it is good to have someone around you.
Even if you are a monk you have other monks and supporters around you.
“As the lamp consumes oil, the path realises Nibbana”
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confusedlayman
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Re: should I marry or be single?

Post by confusedlayman »

SarathW wrote: Sat Oct 05, 2019 9:24 am As a layperson, it is good to have someone around you.
Even if you are a monk you have other monks and supporters around you.
Yeah. I will have to make a decision. If im to marry then i have to search a girl friend for me.
There is no truth, no reality .. one illusion is replaced by another illusion at higher level and people call it attainment of reality
- CL (Confused Layman)
SarathW
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Re: should I marry or be single?

Post by SarathW »

Do not take my word as literal truth.
Please do not marry someone for the sake of marrying. It is not fair to the other party.
So listen to your heart.
“As the lamp consumes oil, the path realises Nibbana”
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Alīno
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Re: should I marry or be single?

Post by Alīno »

Hello :anjali:

If you enjoy solitude, if you enjoy your ofn company, if you enjoy calm and peace, then it will be a bad idea to live with someone else, no matter if it a man or woman, the some one's else presence will be desturbing for you. While a practitioner lives alone, his mind is naturaly turns inside, but while he knows that there is someone else in this house, even a cat or another living being, his mind will naturaly turn outside, so it will be difficult to the practitioner to deepen his meditation enought to abandon sensual stimulations and avertion...

From personal experiance, my mther said me that i have no permition to ordain mecause i'am too young i dont know he life so i will regrett, i said okay! i will try a lay life, so i found a perfect girl, beautifull, gentle, cooks good, sportive, not loving sex like me, go sleep early as me, we never had any big conflict during 4 years, everybody said we are just perfect... But you know what? Its complitely unsatisfiyng... Family life is a burden for somone who enjoys seclusion... And it's impossible to find someone who feets perfectly to you, because each of us is different.
If you want , you can try to live with some one, no matter who... Then you will compare it with a secluded life, and you will understand the burden of living with someone and the ease of living on your own.

Everybody who i met suffer from family life, i met nobody who was not suffering from it, even more when there is childrens...If you are maried its ok, you can divorse, but if you have childrens, its the end... Welcome to prison, you can say goodbye to a Noble Life... It can be a good training in metta, compassion and so on, but why creating a problem ? No family no problems... But if you are sure to stay a lay practitioner, and you have no intention to ordain, then listen to your heart. Actualy you asked your question, but you know already the answer, Mara say you that it will be good to marry, but your wisdom say that its a burden, so there is internal conflict and confusion. Sometimes its hard to listen to our wisdom, but the only thing you need to prevent is childrens... Before clonning your genome, ask yourself if their life in this devastated world, without resources, without wild animals, without nature, without ocean-life, with all this pollusion, with 5th and 6th plastic-continents in oceans, is it a wolrd in which you will be happy to life? I'am sure that no... So before making a children think about his future welfare and happiness. This world is dying, life in such a world is not a good present...

What you need to be aware of is that our conceit (ego-illusion) is almost constructed in relationship with others, by interacting with others you create a self, so while one practitioner lives alone, his self start tu decompose itself, it starts to fall apart, this falling apart (if there is grasping) causes dukkha, this dukkha causes the volition to be in company, to interact with someone,to feel alife,to exist... until we are not arahants - its OK, but we need to be carefull with our interactions and avoid unwise, passioned, unmindfull, greedy, hater ,deluded people. For exemple Dhamma Forums is a good thing for someone who lives far from any monastery or comunity. So if your problem is not a xx but just companionship, so Dhamma Forums, or a good friend, can be a wise solution.

In this humain world, while Buddha Dhamma is awalable, the only worth thing to do - is diligent practice, fullhearted practice, energetic practice, mindfull practice... Are you sure to be reborn as humain next life? Are you sure that Buddha Dhamma will be awalable? Are you sure that you will mett the Dhamma? Are you sure that you will understand the Dhamma? Are you sure that you will be able to practice the Dhamma? That there will be enought faith, energy, supporting conditions ... The ocation that we have today its sooooo precious... How can we loose it in some wordly considerations?... :toilet:

It's just my passionate opinion on the subject, so dont listen to me, listen to you, but be carefull, there is so many lifes that was broken because of marriages and childrens...
Ajahn Nanadassano (before ordaining) : Venerable Ajahn, what is the bigest error that buddhist do in their practice?
Ajahn Jayasaro : They stop practicing ...
dharmacorps
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Re: should I marry or be single?

Post by dharmacorps »

If your life is amenable to it, why not ordain and at least try it for a few years? Life circumstances where you could relatively easily make it work are rare!
Laurens
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Re: should I marry or be single?

Post by Laurens »

My outlook is like this. When I'm single, I enjoy being single. If I meet someone with whom I feel enough of a mutual connection that we would like to cement that with a big ceremony then I'd consider doing that. If not then that's how it is...

I used to go about my life thinking that a relationship is what I needed in order to be happy. The problem with this was I wanted it so badly, that I would settle with whoever came along that was willing to do that. I didn't actually think about whether that person was the right person to have a relationship with. This eventually led to the breakup of the relationship and all the misery that comes with that, and I could have seen that from the start, had I thought about it. You've got to take the individual into consideration rather than the outcome that someday I want to get married. Because if you just go about wanting to get married you might marry the wrong person. The person who says yes to your offer of marriage might not always be the one you ought to marry.
"If only it were all so simple! If only there were evil people somewhere insidiously committing evil deeds, and it were necessary only to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them. But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being. And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?"

Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn
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confusedlayman
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Re: should I marry or be single?

Post by confusedlayman »

Nwad wrote: Sat Oct 05, 2019 1:17 pm Hello :anjali:

If you enjoy solitude, if you enjoy your ofn company, if you enjoy calm and peace, then it will be a bad idea to live with someone else, no matter if it a man or woman, the some one's else presence will be desturbing for you. While a practitioner lives alone, his mind is naturaly turns inside, but while he knows that there is someone else in this house, even a cat or another living being, his mind will naturaly turn outside, so it will be difficult to the practitioner to deepen his meditation enought to abandon sensual stimulations and avertion...

From personal experiance, my mther said me that i have no permition to ordain mecause i'am too young i dont know he life so i will regrett, i said okay! i will try a lay life, so i found a perfect girl, beautifull, gentle, cooks good, sportive, not loving sex like me, go sleep early as me, we never had any big conflict during 4 years, everybody said we are just perfect... But you know what? Its complitely unsatisfiyng... Family life is a burden for somone who enjoys seclusion... And it's impossible to find someone who feets perfectly to you, because each of us is different.
If you want , you can try to live with some one, no matter who... Then you will compare it with a secluded life, and you will understand the burden of living with someone and the ease of living on your own.

Everybody who i met suffer from family life, i met nobody who was not suffering from it, even more when there is childrens...If you are maried its ok, you can divorse, but if you have childrens, its the end... Welcome to prison, you can say goodbye to a Noble Life... It can be a good training in metta, compassion and so on, but why creating a problem ? No family no problems... But if you are sure to stay a lay practitioner, and you have no intention to ordain, then listen to your heart. Actualy you asked your question, but you know already the answer, Mara say you that it will be good to marry, but your wisdom say that its a burden, so there is internal conflict and confusion. Sometimes its hard to listen to our wisdom, but the only thing you need to prevent is childrens... Before clonning your genome, ask yourself if their life in this devastated world, without resources, without wild animals, without nature, without ocean-life, with all this pollusion, with 5th and 6th plastic-continents in oceans, is it a wolrd in which you will be happy to life? I'am sure that no... So before making a children think about his future welfare and happiness. This world is dying, life in such a world is not a good present...

What you need to be aware of is that our conceit (ego-illusion) is almost constructed in relationship with others, by interacting with others you create a self, so while one practitioner lives alone, his self start tu decompose itself, it starts to fall apart, this falling apart (if there is grasping) causes dukkha, this dukkha causes the volition to be in company, to interact with someone,to feel alife,to exist... until we are not arahants - its OK, but we need to be carefull with our interactions and avoid unwise, passioned, unmindfull, greedy, hater ,deluded people. For exemple Dhamma Forums is a good thing for someone who lives far from any monastery or comunity. So if your problem is not a xx but just companionship, so Dhamma Forums, or a good friend, can be a wise solution.

In this humain world, while Buddha Dhamma is awalable, the only worth thing to do - is diligent practice, fullhearted practice, energetic practice, mindfull practice... Are you sure to be reborn as humain next life? Are you sure that Buddha Dhamma will be awalable? Are you sure that you will mett the Dhamma? Are you sure that you will understand the Dhamma? Are you sure that you will be able to practice the Dhamma? That there will be enought faith, energy, supporting conditions ... The ocation that we have today its sooooo precious... How can we loose it in some wordly considerations?... :toilet:

It's just my passionate opinion on the subject, so dont listen to me, listen to you, but be carefull, there is so many lifes that was broken because of marriages and childrens...
I enjoy solitude and can't enter marriage and even if I go to relative house, I can't bear the sound of baby and its not the peace I wanted. I also find no use in reproducing and having kid as when we old who knows if they care for us? and im using opportunity to learn Dhamma I daily think about it and contemplate something so is there any disadvantage for not marrying if I need permanent peace?
There is no truth, no reality .. one illusion is replaced by another illusion at higher level and people call it attainment of reality
- CL (Confused Layman)
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DooDoot
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Re: should I marry or be single?

Post by DooDoot »

confusedlayman wrote: Sat Oct 05, 2019 9:28 amYeah. I will have to make a decision. If im to marry then i have to search a girl friend for me.
confusedlayman wrote: Sun Oct 06, 2019 11:34 pm I enjoy solitude and can't enter marriage and even if I go to relative house, I can't bear the sound of baby and its not the peace I wanted. I also find no use in reproducing and having kid as when we old who knows if they care for us? and im using opportunity to learn Dhamma I daily think about it and contemplate something so is there any disadvantage for not marrying if I need permanent peace?
In Dhamma, a woman is not a sex slave. If you don't want to have children, you should have a vasectomy and honestly inform any woman you meet you have had a vasectomy and do not want to have children. Then you will find the suitable marriage partner according to Dhamma; i.e., if you can actually find a woman that in her heart of hearts does not want to have children.
There is always an official executioner. If you try to take his place, It is like trying to be a master carpenter and cutting wood. If you try to cut wood like a master carpenter, you will only hurt your hand.

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Alīno
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Re: should I marry or be single?

Post by Alīno »

DooDoot wrote: Mon Oct 07, 2019 12:27 am Then you will find the suitable marriage partner according to Dhamma; i.e., if you can actually find a woman that in her heart of hearts does not want to have children.
Hello Doodoot :anjali:
It's more subtile than just childrens, because my ex "perferct" girlfriend dant wanted childrens as me was vegetarian and so on, she was "me" but in female... The problem here is lack of solitude. Even if someone who delight in solitude will live with his "perfect" copy, it will be a burden for him. Actualy even his own 5 khandhas are burden for someone who enjoy solitude...

It's ok to love company, and wanting some affective partner with us, there is nothing wrong, but if a practitioner enjoy solitude and peace - living with some one, even loved one, will be a burden... If practitioner is not sure - he can try, it will be a full size experiance that will show him the value and happiness of the solitary life.
confusedlayman wrote: Sun Oct 06, 2019 11:34 pm so is there any disadvantage for not marrying if I need permanent peace?
It's a good question my friend! But you are wise, so even if you try to live with some one, it will bring you direct knowledge about the value and happiness of the solitude. The problem in this experiance in: 1. waste of your time and energy 2. you can break a heart of some one... of event worse 3. you can loose your whole life in this experiance...
Ajahn Nanadassano (before ordaining) : Venerable Ajahn, what is the bigest error that buddhist do in their practice?
Ajahn Jayasaro : They stop practicing ...
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