Why do we have resentment towards the people are very close to us?

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SarathW
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Why do we have resentment towards the people are very close to us?

Post by SarathW » Thu Aug 09, 2018 12:09 am

Why do we have resentment towards the people are very close to us?
I found we always have resentments towards the people are most important to us.
When we see conflict that always involve family, neighbours or the work place.
Most of the time we see them as enemies rather than friends.
“As the lamp consumes oil, the path realises Nibbana”

Garrib
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Re: Why do we have resentment towards the people are very close to us?

Post by Garrib » Thu Aug 09, 2018 5:47 am

Aversion/Ill-Will. It is a sad thing. We want things and people to be a certain way and they aren't, so we blame them and get upset, and we suffer. I think this happens with those closest to us precisely because they are closest to us. That is to say, we interact with them regularly - so it make sense that aversion will present itself in relation to them, rather than with people who we do not interact with, contact, or even know exist. It is obviously an area of great concern and something to be working with constantly - cultivating kindness, compassion and understanding for ourselves and the people around us.

Laurens
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Re: Why do we have resentment towards the people are very close to us?

Post by Laurens » Thu Aug 09, 2018 5:52 am

Sometimes its a reflection of things that we resent in ourselves.

The reason, I believe, that the Buddha said there is no one in the entire universe more deserving of your love than you (to paraphrase) is because once you let go of those inner judgements that you hold towards yourself, they stop becoming reflected in others.
"If only it were all so simple! If only there were evil people somewhere insidiously committing evil deeds, and it were necessary only to separate them from the rest of us and destroy them. But the line dividing good and evil cuts through the heart of every human being. And who is willing to destroy a piece of his own heart?"

Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn

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Sam Vara
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Re: Why do we have resentment towards the people are very close to us?

Post by Sam Vara » Thu Aug 09, 2018 6:20 am

One way of looking at it is that we have the strongest expectations that those close to us will do what we want, or will make us happy. But they don't always do that.

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Re: Why do we have resentment towards the people are very close to us?

Post by Dinsdale » Thu Aug 09, 2018 8:44 am

SarathW wrote:
Thu Aug 09, 2018 12:09 am
Why do we have resentment towards the people are very close to us?
Sometimes they expect too much, and sometimes so do we. ;)
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DooDoot
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Re: Why do we have resentment towards the people are very close to us?

Post by DooDoot » Thu Aug 09, 2018 8:58 am

Because you take them for granted; believing you have the right to take out your frustrations upon them.

Because they enslave you & have the power to push & pull your needs, wants & emotions.
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SarathW
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Re: Why do we have resentment towards the people are very close to us?

Post by SarathW » Thu Aug 09, 2018 11:32 pm

DooDoot wrote:
Thu Aug 09, 2018 8:58 am
Because you take them for granted; believing you have the right to take out your frustrations upon them.

Because they enslave you & have the power to push & pull your needs, wants & emotions.
Thanks all.
Most of you share similar ideas.
The question is now how can we solve this problem?
“As the lamp consumes oil, the path realises Nibbana”

dharmacorps
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Re: Why do we have resentment towards the people are very close to us?

Post by dharmacorps » Fri Aug 10, 2018 12:14 am

If you want to get more "far out", it is said that those closest to us-- family members, close friends, children, etc., have been family members, close friends, children in past lives over and over, just in changing roles. If you have that much karma with people, you are going to have a lot of "stuff" with them.

SarathW
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Re: Why do we have resentment towards the people are very close to us?

Post by SarathW » Fri Aug 10, 2018 2:55 am

in past lives over and over
Agee but it is how we react to others.
What about the reaction from others?
“As the lamp consumes oil, the path realises Nibbana”

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Polar Bear
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Re: Why do we have resentment towards the people are very close to us?

Post by Polar Bear » Fri Aug 10, 2018 4:24 am

dharmacorps wrote:
Fri Aug 10, 2018 12:14 am
If you want to get more "far out", it is said that those closest to us-- family members, close friends, children, etc., have been family members, close friends, children in past lives over and over, just in changing roles. If you have that much karma with people, you are going to have a lot of "stuff" with them.
Well, the suttas say that the vast majority of beings have been family members in various roles in the past:
At Savatthi. There the Blessed One said: "From an inconstruable beginning comes transmigration. A beginning point is not evident, though beings hindered by ignorance and fettered by craving are transmigrating & wandering on. A being who has not been your mother at one time in the past is not easy to find... A being who has not been your father... your brother... your sister... your son... your daughter at one time in the past is not easy to find.

"Why is that? From an inconstruable beginning comes transmigration. A beginning point is not evident, though beings hindered by ignorance and fettered by craving are transmigrating & wandering on. Long have you thus experienced stress, experienced pain, experienced loss, swelling the cemeteries — enough to become disenchanted with all fabricated things, enough to become dispassionate, enough to be released."

https://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitak ... .than.html
I think sometimes we can become resentful towards people we are close to because we are so comfortable around them that we feel less need to restrain our minds. And so our defilements have a bit more freedom to operate casually.
"I don't envision a single thing that, when developed & cultivated, leads to such great benefit as the mind. The mind, when developed & cultivated, leads to great benefit."

"I don't envision a single thing that, when undeveloped & uncultivated, brings about such suffering & stress as the mind. The mind, when undeveloped & uncultivated, brings about suffering & stress."

SarathW
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Re: Why do we have resentment towards the people are very close to us?

Post by SarathW » Fri Aug 10, 2018 5:05 am

we are close to because we are so comfortable around them that we feel less need to restrain our minds
Agree this is the biggest problem.
We take loved one as a outlet for our frustration.
“As the lamp consumes oil, the path realises Nibbana”

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Sam Vara
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Re: Why do we have resentment towards the people are very close to us?

Post by Sam Vara » Fri Aug 10, 2018 7:30 am

SarathW wrote:
Thu Aug 09, 2018 11:32 pm

Thanks all.
Most of you share similar ideas.
The question is now how can we solve this problem?
Heedfulness. We can make ourselves aware of the problematic nature of our interactions with people who are close to us, and catch ourselves each time the resentment appears.

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Sam Vara
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Re: Why do we have resentment towards the people are very close to us?

Post by Sam Vara » Fri Aug 10, 2018 7:34 am

SarathW wrote:
Fri Aug 10, 2018 2:55 am
in past lives over and over
Agee but it is how we react to others.
What about the reaction from others?
We can only be responsible for our own reaction. Part of the problem is that we challenge others' reactions, thinking that they are "wrong" for reacting to us in that way, and trying to fix their behaviour. That often produces further problems. We can only act heedfully and with loving kindness, and hope that "behaviour breeds behaviour"; that they will react differently in the future.

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Mr Man
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Re: Why do we have resentment towards the people are very close to us?

Post by Mr Man » Fri Aug 10, 2018 8:14 am

SarathW wrote:
Thu Aug 09, 2018 11:32 pm
The question is now how can we solve this problem?
Looking after oneself, one looks after others.
Looking after others, one looks after oneself.

And how does one look after others by looking after oneself?
By practicing (mindfulness), by developing (it), by doing (it) a lot.
And how does one look after oneself by looking after others?
By patience, by non-harming, by loving kindness, by caring (for others).
(Thus) looking after oneself, one looks after others;
and looking after others, one looks after oneself.
https://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitak ... .olen.html
Last edited by Mr Man on Fri Aug 10, 2018 8:16 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Mr Man
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Re: Why do we have resentment towards the people are very close to us?

Post by Mr Man » Fri Aug 10, 2018 8:15 am

SarathW wrote:
Fri Aug 10, 2018 2:55 am
What about the reaction from others?
"In the same way, Rahula, bodily actions, verbal actions, & mental actions are to be done with repeated reflection.

"Whenever you want to do a bodily action, you should reflect on it: 'This bodily action I want to do — would it lead to self-affliction, to the affliction of others, or to both? Would it be an unskillful bodily action, with painful consequences, painful results?' If, on reflection, you know that it would lead to self-affliction, to the affliction of others, or to both; it would be an unskillful bodily action with painful consequences, painful results, then any bodily action of that sort is absolutely unfit for you to do. But if on reflection you know that it would not cause affliction... it would be a skillful bodily action with pleasant consequences, pleasant results, then any bodily action of that sort is fit for you to do.

"While you are doing a bodily action, you should reflect on it: 'This bodily action I am doing — is it leading to self-affliction, to the affliction of others, or to both? Is it an unskillful bodily action, with painful consequences, painful results?' If, on reflection, you know that it is leading to self-affliction, to the affliction of others, or to both... you should give it up. But if on reflection you know that it is not... you may continue with it.

"Having done a bodily action, you should reflect on it: 'This bodily action I have done — did it lead to self-affliction, to the affliction of others, or to both? Was it an unskillful bodily action, with painful consequences, painful results?' If, on reflection, you know that it led to self-affliction, to the affliction of others, or to both; it was an unskillful bodily action with painful consequences, painful results, then you should confess it, reveal it, lay it open to the Teacher or to a knowledgeable companion in the holy life. Having confessed it... you should exercise restraint in the future. But if on reflection you know that it did not lead to affliction... it was a skillful bodily action with pleasant consequences, pleasant results, then you should stay mentally refreshed & joyful, training day & night in skillful mental qualities.
etc.

https://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitak ... .than.html

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