Money

Balancing family life and the Dhamma, in pursuit of a happy lay life.
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DCM
Posts: 89
Joined: Sat May 27, 2017 7:48 pm
Location: Wales, UK

Money

Post by DCM » Thu Dec 21, 2017 4:19 pm

Hi, I'm having difficulties between me and my wife when it comes to our wealth. Both of us work full time with 2 young children. My feeling is that my wife squanders our income on various fads (health fads, makeovers, etc), spending online, clothes, alcohol, etc. We both have good wages coming into the household but never seem to have enough and are always struggling at the end of the month.

I no longer spend anything on myself and live quite contented with the Buddha-Dhamma, but did waste quite a lot of wealth before I found the Buddhas teaching. We give around 1% to charity but I desperatelywould like to give more. I feel that my children are quite spoilt and they probably see me as quite strict. I love my children and family deeply and want them to be happy, but they all seem driven by greed.

My wife had over indulged at Christmas again unfortunately, putting us in a slightly difficult position financially (stressful more than debt). I do save some of our wealth, around 20% per month, which is for the children's education in the future.

I do feel slight anger at times over this, and we have tried every way possible, splitting bank accounts up, using cash only and no cards, etc, but it always seems to end up in arguments, as I cannot seem to handle even her account going into the red.

The gist of this is, does it sound like I'm being too controlling, or too harsh on my wife? Or should I continue putting pressure on her to curb her spending, even though it is causing our relationship problems? Do I have an attachment to money? Is there anyway I can approach this and bring peace to myself and wife and our relationship?

I can see the example of excess being shown to my children, especially at this time of year, and it saddens me. Sorry to go on, but I have no teacher, and renounced all my friends when I started to practise Buddhism so don't really have anyone to discuss this with.

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DNS
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Re: Money

Post by DNS » Thu Dec 21, 2017 5:18 pm

Fighting over money is the most common dispute among married partners. If your money is in separate accounts, wouldn't that somewhat solve the issue? If her account goes to the red, perhaps she would learn to be more careful or not be able to spend after that? How does that work with so many shared expenses, like mortgage, rent, utilities, food? Do you split them up and each pay half?

DCM
Posts: 89
Joined: Sat May 27, 2017 7:48 pm
Location: Wales, UK

Re: Money

Post by DCM » Thu Dec 21, 2017 5:46 pm

It's difficult as she has been left some inheritance. Problem is she wants an extension built on our property but is delving into the inheritance bit by bit. In the past I have left her manage her own account, but she gets herself in difficulties, and with us being married, her debt Is my debt unfortunately. The times she has tried to manage the money, she does not check the balance, etc, and gets overdrawn.

I would love to leave her manage things herself as managing our finances takes a lot of my time and causes a lot of stress. But I know from experience that she would not check the account and just transfer £100's here and there from her inheritance. She would then expect me to add years onto our mortgage to pay for the extension (something I'm not prepared to do as I want us to retire soon after the children leave home).

We use a central shared account which we both have access to.

dharmacorps
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Joined: Thu Aug 06, 2015 7:33 pm

Re: Money

Post by dharmacorps » Thu Dec 21, 2017 6:44 pm

How about a marriage therapist or counselor? Sounds like something you can't work out without some outside help.

DCM
Posts: 89
Joined: Sat May 27, 2017 7:48 pm
Location: Wales, UK

Re: Money

Post by DCM » Thu Dec 21, 2017 7:08 pm

Hi Dharmacorps, that is feasible, it's the last resort I suppose, but I'll try anything.

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