Money

Balancing family life and the Dhamma, in pursuit of a happy lay life.
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DCM
Posts: 89
Joined: Sat May 27, 2017 7:48 pm
Location: Wales, UK

Money

Post by DCM » Thu Dec 21, 2017 4:19 pm

Hi, I'm having difficulties between me and my wife when it comes to our wealth. Both of us work full time with 2 young children. My feeling is that my wife squanders our income on various fads (health fads, makeovers, etc), spending online, clothes, alcohol, etc. We both have good wages coming into the household but never seem to have enough and are always struggling at the end of the month.

I no longer spend anything on myself and live quite contented with the Buddha-Dhamma, but did waste quite a lot of wealth before I found the Buddhas teaching. We give around 1% to charity but I desperatelywould like to give more. I feel that my children are quite spoilt and they probably see me as quite strict. I love my children and family deeply and want them to be happy, but they all seem driven by greed.

My wife had over indulged at Christmas again unfortunately, putting us in a slightly difficult position financially (stressful more than debt). I do save some of our wealth, around 20% per month, which is for the children's education in the future.

I do feel slight anger at times over this, and we have tried every way possible, splitting bank accounts up, using cash only and no cards, etc, but it always seems to end up in arguments, as I cannot seem to handle even her account going into the red.

The gist of this is, does it sound like I'm being too controlling, or too harsh on my wife? Or should I continue putting pressure on her to curb her spending, even though it is causing our relationship problems? Do I have an attachment to money? Is there anyway I can approach this and bring peace to myself and wife and our relationship?

I can see the example of excess being shown to my children, especially at this time of year, and it saddens me. Sorry to go on, but I have no teacher, and renounced all my friends when I started to practise Buddhism so don't really have anyone to discuss this with.

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DNS
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Re: Money

Post by DNS » Thu Dec 21, 2017 5:18 pm

Fighting over money is the most common dispute among married partners. If your money is in separate accounts, wouldn't that somewhat solve the issue? If her account goes to the red, perhaps she would learn to be more careful or not be able to spend after that? How does that work with so many shared expenses, like mortgage, rent, utilities, food? Do you split them up and each pay half?

DCM
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Re: Money

Post by DCM » Thu Dec 21, 2017 5:46 pm

It's difficult as she has been left some inheritance. Problem is she wants an extension built on our property but is delving into the inheritance bit by bit. In the past I have left her manage her own account, but she gets herself in difficulties, and with us being married, her debt Is my debt unfortunately. The times she has tried to manage the money, she does not check the balance, etc, and gets overdrawn.

I would love to leave her manage things herself as managing our finances takes a lot of my time and causes a lot of stress. But I know from experience that she would not check the account and just transfer £100's here and there from her inheritance. She would then expect me to add years onto our mortgage to pay for the extension (something I'm not prepared to do as I want us to retire soon after the children leave home).

We use a central shared account which we both have access to.

dharmacorps
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Re: Money

Post by dharmacorps » Thu Dec 21, 2017 6:44 pm

How about a marriage therapist or counselor? Sounds like something you can't work out without some outside help.

DCM
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Re: Money

Post by DCM » Thu Dec 21, 2017 7:08 pm

Hi Dharmacorps, that is feasible, it's the last resort I suppose, but I'll try anything.

rolling_boulder
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Re: Money

Post by rolling_boulder » Fri Jul 27, 2018 5:22 pm

renounced all my friends when I started to practise Buddhism so don't really have anyone to discuss this with.
Don't know your personal situation but this sounds a little unhealthy.

Anyway. It sounds like your wife has an addiction - this probably requires outside help and some serious compassion and tolerance from you if you want to stick through this marriage.

It can only work if she will admit that there is a problem.
The world is swept away. It does not endure...
The world is without shelter, without protector...
The world is without ownership. One has to pass on, leaving everything behind...
The world is insufficient, insatiable, a slave to craving.

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DC2R
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Re: Money

Post by DC2R » Thu Aug 09, 2018 9:59 pm

You could suggest your wife practice meditation if she does not already. Over time, she might realize that her overspending is not beneficial for your family and that the money would be better spent on creating positive experiences for your children rather than buying them physical items.

If she is Christian, there are plenty of passages in the Bible that might guide her to better decisions. For example:
Hebrews 13:5 wrote:Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have, for he has said, “I will never leave you nor forsake you.”
I am sure most other religions also discuss topics along these lines.

If she is not religious, perhaps take her on a trip to a poor country and show her that some people could benefit tremendously from even a fraction of her spending (food, mosquito nets, etc.).
"May the blessings of the Buddha, the Dhamma, and the Sangha always be firmly established in your hearts." ―Ajahn Chah

Quick resources: http://txti.es/theravada

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Manopubbangama
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Re: Money

Post by Manopubbangama » Mon Nov 05, 2018 7:50 pm

DCM wrote:
Thu Dec 21, 2017 4:19 pm
Hi, I'm having difficulties between me and my wife when it comes to our wealth. Both of us work full time with 2 young children. My feeling is that my wife squanders our income on various fads (health fads, makeovers, etc), spending online, clothes, alcohol, etc. We both have good wages coming into the household but never seem to have enough and are always struggling at the end of the month.

I no longer spend anything on myself and live quite contented with the Buddha-Dhamma, but did waste quite a lot of wealth before I found the Buddhas teaching. We give around 1% to charity but I desperatelywould like to give more. I feel that my children are quite spoilt and they probably see me as quite strict. I love my children and family deeply and want them to be happy, but they all seem driven by greed.

My wife had over indulged at Christmas again unfortunately, putting us in a slightly difficult position financially (stressful more than debt). I do save some of our wealth, around 20% per month, which is for the children's education in the future.

I do feel slight anger at times over this, and we have tried every way possible, splitting bank accounts up, using cash only and no cards, etc, but it always seems to end up in arguments, as I cannot seem to handle even her account going into the red.

The gist of this is, does it sound like I'm being too controlling, or too harsh on my wife? Or should I continue putting pressure on her to curb her spending, even though it is causing our relationship problems? Do I have an attachment to money? Is there anyway I can approach this and bring peace to myself and wife and our relationship?

I can see the example of excess being shown to my children, especially at this time of year, and it saddens me. Sorry to go on, but I have no teacher, and renounced all my friends when I started to practise Buddhism so don't really have anyone to discuss this with.
I hope that your marriage is happy, I hope that your children are happy, and I hope that you all have a chance to grow together in the Dhamma.

I also know the difficulties of the upasaka life.

May your family be happy and prosper together.

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JamesTheGiant
Posts: 523
Joined: Fri Jan 02, 2015 8:41 am
Location: New Zealand

Re: Money

Post by JamesTheGiant » Tue Nov 06, 2018 5:41 am

I can't give any advice, (because I don't have a clue about relationships) but I'm sending you good wishes and hope that it all works out.
:console:

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rightviewftw
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Re: Money

Post by rightviewftw » Tue Nov 06, 2018 6:11 am

a layman fit for household life,
in portions four divides his wealth:
thus will he friendship win.

One portion for his wants he uses,
two portions on his business spends,
the fourth for times of need he keeps.
https://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitak ... .nara.html
You are doing well saving the 20% imo

It does seem like your wife is out of control with her spending.
"In five ways, young householder, should a wife as the West be ministered to by a husband:


(i) by being courteous to her,
(ii) by not despising her,
(iii) by being faithful to her,
(iv) by handing over authority to her,
(v) by providing her with adornments.

"The wife thus ministered to as the West by her husband shows her compassion to her husband in five ways:


(i) she performs her duties well,
(ii) she is hospitable to relations and attendants[10]
(iii) she is faithful,
(iv) she protects what he brings,
(v) she is skilled and industrious in discharging her duties.
What you describe does not sound optimal and she should consider re-evaluating her priorities and being more responsible so that you can do your part.
(3) "What are the six channels for dissipating wealth which he does not pursue?


(a) "indulgence in intoxicants which cause infatuation and heedlessness;
the alcohol is a concern too and i am sure you are aware of this already.
How to meditate: Anapanasati, Satipatthana.
Intro to General Semantics
Factors & Perceptions

Parallel Dhammapada Reading
Chinese to Eng Dhp
"The statements; 'With the remainderless stopping & fading of the six contact-media is it the case that there is anything else?' '.. is it the case that there is not anything else .. is it the case that there both is & is not anything else .. is it the case that there neither is nor is not anything else?' objectify non-objectification. However far the six contact-media go, that is how far objectification goes."

mrgrtt123
Posts: 6
Joined: Tue Oct 16, 2018 6:45 am
Location: British Columbia

Re: Money

Post by mrgrtt123 » Mon Nov 12, 2018 4:17 am

It also stresses me out when talking about money.

James Tan
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Joined: Sun Jun 04, 2017 1:26 pm

Re: Money

Post by James Tan » Fri Nov 16, 2018 1:40 pm

DCM wrote:
Thu Dec 21, 2017 4:19 pm
Hi, I'm having difficulties between me and my wife when it comes to our wealth.

Do I have an attachment to money? Is there anyway I can approach this and bring peace to myself and wife and our relationship?

but I have no teacher, and renounced all my friends when I started to practise Buddhism so don't really have anyone to discuss this with.

For lay people paid more important to money is not wrong . Attachment is not the appropriate word , we cannot measuring ourself in comparison to the monastic .
Even monks need some level of security , food
, medicine and lodging and money sponsoring for travelling ie buying bus , plane tickets etc etc .
If one is financially better established and secure , then can be more relaxed .

I think this might be of help , that is plan for couple of trips for your family to orphanage or old folks home or to general hospital to do some volunteering work . They can see how people live in poverty , without love and aging and illnesses suffering .


Try to find some genuine friends irrespective of religion or even without religious beliefs .


Best wishes .
:reading:

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Zom
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Re: Money

Post by Zom » Fri Nov 16, 2018 4:13 pm

Hi, I'm having difficulties between me and my wife when it comes to our wealth. Both of us work full time with 2 young children. My feeling is that my wife squanders our income on various fads (health fads, makeovers, etc), spending online, clothes, alcohol, etc. We both have good wages coming into the household but never seem to have enough and are always struggling at the end of the month.
I think this is a common "problem". Economics growth is based on women and children. Men usually need less and spend less, especially when they've met Dhamma :tongue:

Agree with DNS, the only solution is separate accounts. If someone wants to spend a lot - go ahead, earn more money, spend them as much as you like. This is a highly egoistic move to demand someone to work for your needs, be it your father, mother, sister, child, husband/wife. Some exception to this rule are children - they didn't ask you to born, so you are responsible here )). But then again, they owe you a lot as well, and so they must obey 8-)

This is a basic solution. Details are different in each case. Depends a lot on personalities. Maybe a wife is egoistic. And husband is stingy. No matter what method of money management you try here - the problem will persist.

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