Desire for Relationship and for Lack of Relationship

Balancing family life and the Dhamma, in pursuit of a happy lay life.
unspoken
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Location: Malaysia

Re: Desire for Relationship and for Lack of Relationship

Post by unspoken » Mon Mar 09, 2015 2:57 pm

Hi Wri,

For me, I actually am in a relationship now. However a relationship does not stop you from your practice (in my opinion) but rather when the time is right and with enough practice I believe that one day my partner may feel the same and walk the path with me.

Not giving any opinion or advice because I am bad with it, but just sharing the POV perspective.

-Unspoken

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Wri
Posts: 227
Joined: Tue Nov 04, 2014 4:45 am
Location: United States

Re: Desire for Relationship and for Lack of Relationship

Post by Wri » Mon Mar 09, 2015 10:46 pm

unspoken wrote:Hi Wri,

For me, I actually am in a relationship now. However a relationship does not stop you from your practice (in my opinion) but rather when the time is right and with enough practice I believe that one day my partner may feel the same and walk the path with me.

Not giving any opinion or advice because I am bad with it, but just sharing the POV perspective.

-Unspoken

Thank you for offering your perspective :)
Keep your mind steady and rest within the winds of experience.
May I show unconditional love to all beings.

Atman1
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Joined: Wed Apr 15, 2015 9:41 pm

Re: Desire for Relationship and for Lack of Relationship

Post by Atman1 » Wed Apr 15, 2015 10:11 pm

If you have even a thought of becoming a monk or nun I would suggest doing it. My husband recently told me that he is divorcing me so that he can become a monk. Some other people at the monastery offered support by reminding me that "letting go of attachments is difficult". It is really hurtful and painful. If you are confused in general it is best not to bring other people into that mix unless you know that you can actually commit and that you are completely in love with the other person. Otherwise you will just end up hurting another human - one with real hopes, dreams and emotions - and that is not the right way to live.

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daverupa
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Re: Desire for Relationship and for Lack of Relationship

Post by daverupa » Wed Apr 15, 2015 10:27 pm

Atman1 wrote:If you have even a thought of becoming a monk or nun I would suggest doing it. My husband recently told me that he is divorcing me so that he can become a monk. Some other people at the monastery offered support by reminding me that "letting go of attachments is difficult". It is really hurtful and painful. If you are confused in general it is best not to bring other people into that mix unless you know that you can actually commit and that you are completely in love with the other person. Otherwise you will just end up hurting another human - one with real hopes, dreams and emotions - and that is not the right way to live.
:heart:

:goodpost:

It's complex to negotiate these things when so many people can be affected; it's a useful reminder that relationships in general require ongoing, clear communication to be the least harmful.
  • "And how is it, bhikkhus, that by protecting oneself one protects others? By the pursuit, development, and cultivation of the four establishments of mindfulness. It is in such a way that by protecting oneself one protects others.

    "And how is it, bhikkhus, that by protecting others one protects oneself? By patience, harmlessness, goodwill, and sympathy. It is in such a way that by protecting others one protects oneself.

- Sedaka Sutta [SN 47.19]

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Wri
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Re: Desire for Relationship and for Lack of Relationship

Post by Wri » Thu Apr 16, 2015 12:51 am

daverupa wrote:
Atman1 wrote:If you have even a thought of becoming a monk or nun I would suggest doing it. My husband recently told me that he is divorcing me so that he can become a monk. Some other people at the monastery offered support by reminding me that "letting go of attachments is difficult". It is really hurtful and painful. If you are confused in general it is best not to bring other people into that mix unless you know that you can actually commit and that you are completely in love with the other person. Otherwise you will just end up hurting another human - one with real hopes, dreams and emotions - and that is not the right way to live.
:heart:

:goodpost:

It's complex to negotiate these things when so many people can be affected; it's a useful reminder that relationships in general require ongoing, clear communication to be the least harmful.
Thank you both for your thoughtful replies :smile:

I don't believe I have enough devotion to 8 precepts just yet or enough experience in lengthy retreats to consider actually ordaining. I also need to build up a financial fallback system before ordaining as is advised. If I enter into a relationship, I will not ordain.
Keep your mind steady and rest within the winds of experience.
May I show unconditional love to all beings.

paul
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Joined: Tue May 31, 2011 11:27 pm
Location: Vietnam

Re: Desire for Relationship and for Lack of Relationship

Post by paul » Sat Apr 18, 2015 5:14 pm

Atman1 wrote: Some other people at the monastery offered support by reminding me that "letting go of attachments is difficult".
Having gone through a divorce myself, I realize that what you are experiencing is difficult, but if you can bring yourself to begin to accept that the suffering is caused by clinging to the impermanent, then you will not only advance rapidly in your Buddhist practice, but the suffering will become manageable through understanding it. You are now at the heart of impermanence/suffering/non-self and we are all immersed in this as daily existence, but it only becomes apparent in such a way a few times in a lifetime, where we can clearly see the suffering involved in clinging, although this is happening to a lesser degree all the time. If you learn to mentally orient yourself to this experience correctly, then your mind will be trained to have the correct approach to large and small problems for the rest of your life.

Atman1
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Re: Desire for Relationship and for Lack of Relationship

Post by Atman1 » Thu Apr 23, 2015 5:02 am

paul wrote:
Atman1 wrote: Some other people at the monastery offered support by reminding me that "letting go of attachments is difficult".
Having gone through a divorce myself, I realize that what you are experiencing is difficult, but if you can bring yourself to begin to accept that the suffering is caused by clinging to the impermanent, then you will not only advance rapidly in your Buddhist practice, but the suffering will become manageable through understanding it. You are now at the heart of impermanence/suffering/non-self and we are all immersed in this as daily existence, but it only becomes apparent in such a way a few times in a lifetime, where we can clearly see the suffering involved in clinging, although this is happening to a lesser degree all the time. If you learn to mentally orient yourself to this experience correctly, then your mind will be trained to have the correct approach to large and small problems for the rest of your life.

I can agree with this this to some extent but it takes away responsibility from the person who is walking away and not working on their relationship, job, etc. One can just say " your problem", "you shouldn't cling", etc as a way of making themselves better about their choice to walk out on life. It becomes the other person's problem. But then again, if he can't keep his vows in marriage, he may not be able to keep them as a monk. I would be interested to have a better understanding of the Buddhist concept of trust because if a Buddhist can at any time turn around and say "well, you can't get attached to the promises I've made and if you are unhappy or hurt, it is your own fault for clinging." How does this life view leave any space for trust or building strong families and communities?

paul
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Location: Vietnam

Re: Desire for Relationship and for Lack of Relationship

Post by paul » Thu Apr 23, 2015 6:34 am

Atman1 wrote:How does this life view leave any space for trust or building strong families and communities?
The Theravada view is of a duality between conventional (vohara) and ultimate (paramattha) realities; communities are part of conventional reality and while that is a truth at its own level, the disciple who wants to progress must ground themselves in ultimate reality.

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