How to get over being wronged?

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LG2V
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How to get over being wronged?

Post by LG2V » Thu Dec 28, 2017 5:58 am

Hey everybody,

How do you get over anger at being wronged by others? Even if it is a long time ago, I still feel angry sometimes over what people have done to me in the past. Backstabbing and lying, disrespect, physical intimidation and violence, stealing, etc.

I recite typical dhamma lines like the dhammapada verse about subduing hatred with non-hatred, as well as meditation and recollecting ways to subdue anger.

Yet, I still have strong anger towards these people and it hasn't gone away, even after years. Maybe it would help if I saw some misfortune befall them, as the ripening of their bad karma. i think that one of them is now a felon due to an incident unrelated to me; maybe that's one instance. But others walk around acting as if they've never done anything bad to me, and the world seems to agree with them sometimes, although that is not the case.

I was blamed for when others took advantage of me, and that just makes me even more upset usually. Their lack of respect for me and complete apathy towards my wellbeing are infuriating. Given their actions, many of these people would be considered functional sociopaths.

Can you guys offer me some good advice?
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perkele
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Re: How to get over being wronged?

Post by perkele » Thu Dec 28, 2017 6:32 am

LG2V wrote:
Thu Dec 28, 2017 5:58 am
I was blamed for when others took advantage of me, and that just makes me even more upset usually. Their lack of respect for me and complete apathy towards my wellbeing are infuriating. /.../

Can you guys offer me some good advice?
I can relate to this but am not sure if my advice is helpful. Anyway, here it is:

Join the dark side: The Occult: Video 158: Inverting Negativity into Ambition

The video may be not the most fitting, but a little bit perhaps. He's rambling on at first mostly about guilt and fear, which is perhaps not (yet) your problem, and mostly about the religiously imposed kind (which seems off-topic here [or maybe actually not :shrug: ]) [because that's one of his favourite topics, it seems].
But I think he's promoting a healthy attitude to situations similar to this.

Make friends with the enemy within. Maybe he can be your friend and help you for some time.

In my experience this can help to ultimately establish some equanimity. Not suppressing the anger, but letting it work in a strengthening way inside you somehow for a while, while trying to do something constructive.

All the best. :anjali:

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retrofuturist
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Re: How to get over being wronged?

Post by retrofuturist » Thu Dec 28, 2017 6:35 am

Greetings LG2V,

I'd reflect on whether my anger was serving to harm me or harm them. There are verses in the Dhammapada which may support such contemplation... I'm sure you know the ones.

All the best.

Metta,
Paul. :)
"Do not force others, including children, by any means whatsoever, to adopt your views, whether by authority, threat, money, propaganda, or even education." - Ven. Thich Nhat Hanh

"The uprooting of identity is seen by the noble ones as pleasurable; but this contradicts what the whole world sees." (Snp 3.12)

"One discerns wrong view as wrong view, and right view as right view. This is one's right view." (MN 117)

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LG2V
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Re: How to get over being wronged?

Post by LG2V » Thu Dec 28, 2017 7:04 am

perkele wrote:
Thu Dec 28, 2017 6:32 am
I can relate to this but am not sure if my advice is helpful. Anyway, here it is:

Join the dark side: The Occult: Video 158: Inverting Negativity into Ambition

The video may be not the most fitting, but a little bit perhaps. He's rambling on at first mostly about guilt and fear, which is perhaps not (yet) your problem, and mostly about the religiously imposed kind (which seems off-topic here [or maybe actually not :shrug: ]) [because that's one of his favourite topics, it seems].
But I think he's promoting a healthy attitude to situations similar to this.

Make friends with the enemy within. Maybe he can be your friend and help you for some time.

In my experience this can help to ultimately establish some equanimity. Not suppressing the anger, but letting it work in a strengthening way inside you somehow for a while, while trying to do something constructive.

All the best. :anjali:

Thanks a bunch. This guy kinda reminds me of one of my family members (one that I like). lol.

The guilt and fear thing actually did apply to me as well, so this vid was even better. I watched it, and I thought it was a good talk. Yeah, I think he has a more healthy attitude, in the sense that this makes for good "man advice".

Yeah, I remember that I threw my anger into my studies and did great. But I felt so burned out after. I was sick of my old lifestyle and moved away from a lot of stuff. But my current pursuit of peace hasn't quite exorcised all of the demons yet. I still get angry from the memories from time to time.

retrofuturist wrote:
Thu Dec 28, 2017 6:35 am
Greetings LG2V,

I'd reflect on whether my anger was serving to harm me or harm them. There are verses in the Dhammapada which may support such contemplation... I'm sure you know the ones.

All the best.

Metta,
Paul. :)
Thanks Paul, I appreciate it.
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http://freerice.comhttp://greatergood.com/www.ripple.orgwww.thenonprofits.com

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Re: How to get over being wronged?

Post by Dhammarakkhito » Thu Dec 28, 2017 7:15 am

not self contemplation. satipaṭṭhāna sutta
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Re: How to get over being wronged?

Post by Dhammanando » Thu Dec 28, 2017 7:26 am

LG2V wrote:
Thu Dec 28, 2017 5:58 am
Can you guys offer me some good advice?
The Visuddhimagga's exposition of the brahmavihāras contains a section entitled "Getting Rid of Resentment" which offers quite a cornucopia of approaches and conveniently collates most of what the Suttas have to say on the subject. Which approach works best will vary from one person to another. For me it's this:
Khaṇikattā ca dhammānaṃ, yehi khandhehi te kataṃ,
Amanāpaṃ niruddhā te, kassa dānīdha kujjhasi.


"Since dhammas last but a moment’s time
Those aggregates, by which was done
The odious act, have ceased; so here and now
What [or with whom] are you angry?"

https://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/aut ... on2011.pdf

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Re: How to get over being wronged?

Post by binocular » Thu Dec 28, 2017 7:38 am

LG2V wrote:
Thu Dec 28, 2017 5:58 am
How do you get over anger at being wronged by others? Even if it is a long time ago, I still feel angry sometimes over what people have done to me in the past. Backstabbing and lying, disrespect, physical intimidation and violence, stealing, etc.
/.../
I was blamed for when others took advantage of me, and that just makes me even more upset usually. Their lack of respect for me and complete apathy towards my wellbeing are infuriating. Given their actions, many of these people would be considered functional sociopaths.
I think one keeps ruminating about such things because one has not yet come to terms with living in a dangerous, or at least crappy world.

Now, if one is a dedicated Buddhist, equanimity with a reflection on kamma should quickly make an end to such ruminations. Problem is, if one isn't a dedicated Buddhist ...


An even bigger problem is if being on the receiving end of other people's violent actions, or at leas their meanness, has lead one to doubt whether those others have actually done anything wrong at all; or even to doubt that one has the right to be alive at all. Which are the sort of questions that victims of prolonged or intense abuse can develop, or questions which might even become prominent if one ruminates on past abuses a lot. That is to say that it can be dangerous to ruminate about past abuses, because ineffective rumination can be a form of re-victimization, strengthening the old patterns of abuse and its effects.
Every person we save is one less zombie to fight. -- World War Z

SarathW
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Re: How to get over being wronged?

Post by SarathW » Thu Dec 28, 2017 7:56 am

How do you get over anger at being wronged by others?
Are you free from wrongdoings to others?
“As the lamp consumes oil, the path realises Nibbana”

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LG2V
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Re: How to get over being wronged?

Post by LG2V » Thu Dec 28, 2017 8:01 am

Dhammarakkhito wrote:
Thu Dec 28, 2017 7:15 am
not self contemplation. satipaṭṭhāna sutta
Thanks. I could use a revisit to the Satipatthana Sutta.

Dhammanando wrote:
Thu Dec 28, 2017 7:26 am

The Visuddhimagga's exposition of the brahmavihāras contains a section entitled "Getting Rid of Resentment" which offers quite a cornucopia of approaches and conveniently collates most of what the Suttas have to say on the subject. Which approach works best will vary from one person to another. For me it's this:
Khaṇikattā ca dhammānaṃ, yehi khandhehi te kataṃ,
Amanāpaṃ niruddhā te, kassa dānīdha kujjhasi.


"Since dhammas last but a moment’s time
Those aggregates, by which was done
The odious act, have ceased; so here and now
What [or with whom] are you angry?"

https://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/aut ... on2011.pdf

Thanks a bunch Bhante Dhammanando. I'll check out the Visuddhimagga's brahmavihara section.

binocular wrote:
Thu Dec 28, 2017 7:38 am
I think one keeps ruminating about such things because one has not yet come to terms with living in a dangerous, or at least crappy world.

Now, if one is a dedicated Buddhist, equanimity with a reflection on kamma should quickly make an end to such ruminations. Problem is, if one isn't a dedicated Buddhist ...

An even bigger problem is if being on the receiving end of other people's violent actions, or at leas their meanness, has lead one to doubt whether those others have actually done anything wrong at all; or even to doubt that one has the right to be alive at all. Which are the sort of questions that victims of prolonged or intense abuse can develop, or questions which might even become prominent if one ruminates on past abuses a lot. That is to say that it can be dangerous to ruminate about past abuses, because ineffective rumination can be a form of re-victimization, strengthening the old patterns of abuse and its effects.
Thanks binocular. This is a very interesting perspective, one that I hadn't considered before. I do think that I have revictimized myself to some extent, and one of my problems has been my feelings of regret towards not handling situations better and being taken advantage of. I'd like to revel in my agency somewhat and I haven't been able to do that, at least with regards to the occassional flashback to the past.

That skepticism about them having done anything wrong does come up a lot. Mostly because I was blamed and taken advantage of by a lot of people, and ignored and treated with hostility, among other things, when I complained.

I don't really doubt my right to be alive, although I have felt pretty upset about the past at some points. I'm more angry that others didn't respect my rights.

But this got me thinking...do I actually have a right to be alive? Not in a suicidal sense, but in a dhammic sense. What law of the universe says that I should experience things according to my good expectations? And I think this goes to your first point about living in a crappy world. Maybe I'm expecting too much. After all, all fabrications are impermanent, painful and not-self, and having your things taken by others, among other things, certainly meets that definition. lol.

I'll try to contemplate kamma with equanimity. It has worked somewhat in the past, and I think that it's good advice to try it.
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LG2V
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Re: How to get over being wronged?

Post by LG2V » Thu Dec 28, 2017 8:03 am

SarathW wrote:
Thu Dec 28, 2017 7:56 am
How do you get over anger at being wronged by others?
Are you free from wrongdoings to others?
No, but I try hard to be. People who wrong me nowadays don't bother me as much, or maybe I should say that they bother me to an extent that I can reasonably let go of. It's the people who hurt me in the past a few years ago who really irk me.

With that being said, I think that it's wise to reflect on whether I am doing, or have done, wrong to others.
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Re: How to get over being wronged?

Post by Bundokji » Thu Dec 28, 2017 8:50 am

Pick one of the situations that caused you unease and recall it in a vivid way. Examine the feelings that arose when others wronged you (in this particular incident/situation), then repeat again and again like watching the same movie several times. Keep on repeating the process. Don't try to make peace with the situation, just understand what happened.

What i am suggesting is in itself painful, but liberating.
And the Blessed One addressed the bhikkhus, saying: "Behold now, bhikkhus, I exhort you: All compounded things are subject to vanish. Strive with earnestness!"

This was the last word of the Tathagata.

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Re: How to get over being wronged?

Post by chownah » Thu Dec 28, 2017 9:07 am

Living a good life is the best revenge.
chownah

SarathW
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Re: How to get over being wronged?

Post by SarathW » Thu Dec 28, 2017 9:34 am

LG2V wrote:
Thu Dec 28, 2017 8:03 am
SarathW wrote:
Thu Dec 28, 2017 7:56 am
How do you get over anger at being wronged by others?
Are you free from wrongdoings to others?
No, but I try hard to be. People who wrong me nowadays don't bother me as much, or maybe I should say that they bother me to an extent that I can reasonably let go of. It's the people who hurt me in the past a few years ago who really irk me.

With that being said, I think that it's wise to reflect on whether I am doing, or have done, wrong to others.
Yes, that is how I managed to let go of the wrongdoing by others.
“As the lamp consumes oil, the path realises Nibbana”

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Re: How to get over being wronged?

Post by Cittasanto » Thu Dec 28, 2017 9:45 am

Develop metta for yourself.
reflect on how everyone is the owner of their kamma and that kamma is not always instant. and the situations could be your own past kamma ripening.
there is no need to keep hold of the negativity so when these thoughts come up use the methods found in MN20 and try to develop the brahmavihara.

In Truth
Cittasanto
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He who knows only his own side of the case knows little of that. His reasons may be good, and no one may have been able to refute them.
But if he is equally unable to refute the reasons on the opposite side, if he does not so much as know what they are, he has no ground for preferring either opinion …
...
He must be able to hear them from persons who actually believe them … he must know them in their most plausible and persuasive form.
John Stuart Mill

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LG2V
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Re: How to get over being wronged?

Post by LG2V » Thu Dec 28, 2017 11:05 am

I do feel better after talking about things with you guys. I feel like my mind's been liberated a bit just from talking with you all about it; it's as if things have naturally smoothed out a bit more. Thanks to everyone.

chownah wrote:
Thu Dec 28, 2017 9:07 am
Living a good life is the best revenge.
chownah
Cheers to that :twothumbsup:

Cittasanto wrote:
Thu Dec 28, 2017 9:45 am
Develop metta for yourself.
reflect on how everyone is the owner of their kamma and that kamma is not always instant. and the situations could be your own past kamma ripening.
there is no need to keep hold of the negativity so when these thoughts come up use the methods found in MN20 and try to develop the brahmavihara.

In Truth
Cittasanto
Thanks a bunch Cittasanto.
Here are some excellent sites for giving free Dana (Click-Based Donation):
http://freerice.comhttp://greatergood.com/www.ripple.orgwww.thenonprofits.com

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