I know that the reason why metta should not be extended towards a specific member of the opposite sex is because it could increase lust and passion.
What if it is one's own mother, sister, daughter, grandmother, etc (in the case of a male practitioner)? Is it still bad? What if one has a bad relationship with one's mother and wants to fix it by practising metta towards her regularly in one's sitting sessions?
Also, what if one has split up or parted with a girl one previously was in love with, but still wishes her well? The pair have separated, there is no chance of getting back together (literally 0% chance), and one just wants to wish that person well for her future simply out of respect and care and gratitude for the good times spent together by sending metta to her. Not even then?
Just wondering.
Metta towards the opposite sex
Re: Metta towards the opposite sex
I can't recall any Sutta which says that we should not extend Metta towards the opposite sex.
I think this is just commentarial.
I may be wrong.
I think this is just commentarial.
I may be wrong.
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- Goofaholix
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Re: Metta towards the opposite sex
The point is that if there is a liklihood of lustful feelings arising choose a different person, some people have lustful feelings for the same sex, hopefully not many have them for their mother or father.
Pronouns (no self / not self)
“Peace is within oneself to be found in the same place as agitation and suffering. It is not found in a forest or on a hilltop, nor is it given by a teacher. Where you experience suffering, you can also find freedom from suffering. Trying to run away from suffering is actually to run toward it.”
― Ajahn Chah
“Peace is within oneself to be found in the same place as agitation and suffering. It is not found in a forest or on a hilltop, nor is it given by a teacher. Where you experience suffering, you can also find freedom from suffering. Trying to run away from suffering is actually to run toward it.”
― Ajahn Chah
Re: Metta towards the opposite sex
This is a good chance to practice the four noble truths. That your thoughts are turning towards her is suffering, obviously borne of craving. How can you relinquish the craving and experience the release? Keep an eye out for when it happens by accident, and notice what leads up to it.
Re: Metta towards the opposite sex
Related thread.
Bhikkhu Pesala wrote:The advice is given in the Visuddhimagga, which is the source of the extract from Ñāṇamoli's article quoted by SarathW.
Lust is the near enemy of metta, so practising loving-kindness towards someone of the opposite sex is potentially dangerous. In beginning the practice, one should take a respected member of the same sex, such as one's own father, or a spiritual teacher. Later, when concentration and mental stability is established, one may safely practise loving-kindness towards all beings without discrimination. Their sex, age, or physical appearance then become irrelevant — they are just living beings that are suffering, and in need of kindness.
Sire patitthitā Buddhā
Dhammo ca tava locane
Sangho patitthitō tuiham
uresabba gunākaro
愿众佛坐在我的头顶, 佛法在我的眼中, 僧伽,功德的根源, 端坐在我的肩上。
Dhammo ca tava locane
Sangho patitthitō tuiham
uresabba gunākaro
愿众佛坐在我的头顶, 佛法在我的眼中, 僧伽,功德的根源, 端坐在我的肩上。
Re: Metta towards the opposite sex
Probably you're right.SarathW wrote:I can't recall any Sutta which says that we should not extend Metta towards the opposite sex.
I think this is just commentarial.
I may be wrong.
Most of what is taught about metta is from the commentaries, including the whole method "may I/teacher/friend/neutral/enemy be...".
Take a look at references to "metta" or "loving kindness" in the indexes of B. Bodhi's Nikaya translations -- how often do "dharma" talks deal with how metta is treated in those passages throughout the sutta-s?
- Cittasanto
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Re: Metta towards the opposite sex
I believe you are both correct and incorrect here.SarathW wrote:I can't recall any Sutta which says that we should not extend Metta towards the opposite sex.
I think this is just commentarial.
I may be wrong.
There is no sutta talking of metta which restrics who it is to be aimed at, however, there are texts which advise against thinking of the opposite sex as these thoughts may promote lust....
to get to the OP.
I can not think of any reason to restrict who you direct metta towards particularly when you restrict what you are looking at i.e. not including general things, such as scent... but being specific to qualities a person has in association with that person. However care should be taken when it is a member of the opposite sex
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Cittasanto
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He who knows only his own side of the case knows little of that. His reasons may be good, and no one may have been able to refute them.
But if he is equally unable to refute the reasons on the opposite side, if he does not so much as know what they are, he has no ground for preferring either opinion …
...
He must be able to hear them from persons who actually believe them … he must know them in their most plausible and persuasive form.
John Stuart Mill
He who knows only his own side of the case knows little of that. His reasons may be good, and no one may have been able to refute them.
But if he is equally unable to refute the reasons on the opposite side, if he does not so much as know what they are, he has no ground for preferring either opinion …
...
He must be able to hear them from persons who actually believe them … he must know them in their most plausible and persuasive form.
John Stuart Mill
Re: Metta towards the opposite sex
As far as I know, there are four brahmaviharas, and each should be practiced after consideration of the other three, in each instance deciding which one of the four is the most appropriate in any given situation.
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Re: Metta towards the opposite sex
I dont see a reason why you cant extend Metta toward the opposite sex, I always thought you can and should try to extend it to all living beings. If you practice sense restraint it should be fine to extend it to the opposite sex if you want to avoid developing lust. Thats my interpretation, and yes, i have never seen any Sutta saying you can't. Maybe avoid focusing on someone who may infatuate you perhaps.
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"The Blessed One has set in motion the unexcelled Wheel of Dhamma that cannot be stopped by brahmins, devas, Maras, Brahmas or anyone in the cosmos." -Dhammacakkappavattana Sutta
"The Blessed One has set in motion the unexcelled Wheel of Dhamma that cannot be stopped by brahmins, devas, Maras, Brahmas or anyone in the cosmos." -Dhammacakkappavattana Sutta
Re: Metta towards the opposite sex
There's nothing wrong with practicing metta toward your ex...as long as you're able to "dress your wounds" as taught in MN 33:Upasaka Sumana wrote:Also, what if one has split up or parted with a girl one previously was in love with, but still wishes her well? The pair have separated, there is no chance of getting back together (literally 0% chance), and one just wants to wish that person well for her future simply out of respect and care and gratitude for the good times spent together by sending metta to her. Not even then?
For detailed explanation on "themes" and "details" (also called "signs" and "particulars"), see Vism-I.54-59 starting page 22.And how does a monk not dress wounds? There is the case where a monk, on seeing a form with the eye, grasps at themes or details by which — as he dwells without restraint over the faculty of the eye — evil, unskillful qualities such as greed or distress might assail him. He doesn't practice for its restraint. He doesn't protect the faculty of the eye. On hearing a sound with the ear... On smelling an odor with the nose... On tasting a flavor with the tongue... On touching a tactile sensation with the body... On cognizing an idea with the intellect, he grasps at themes or details by which — as he dwells without restraint over the faculty of the intellect — evil, unskillful qualities such as greed or distress might assail him. He doesn't practice with restraint. He doesn't guard the faculty of the intellect. He doesn't achieve restraint with regard to the faculty of the intellect. This is how a monk doesn't dress wounds."