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Sensual desire as a Layman

Posted: Fri Mar 08, 2019 12:17 pm
by easymitch2
Hi everyone,

Does anyone have any experience with overcoming sensual desire, more specifically sexual tension? This is a subject I wouldn't feel comfortable asking about at my temple so I thought i'd ask here. I've had some success with watching the comings and goings of various feelings (sadness, happiness, anger, embarrassment etc.) but the one I can't seem to see through is sexual tension. I can go days and sometimes weeks without even a thought of this desire coming to mind but it always seems to come out of nowhere and with full force.

I have accepted that this happens and I no longer feel down when I give into these urges but I'm left still wondering how I can dig this desire out by the root? It can be so powerful, the way it can cause such uncomfortable feelings really makes me want to investigate but it's very hard. I don't think I've ever really seen it through to the end, I've only ever suppressed it in the past which I know isn't the wisest thing to do.

If anyone has any advice or past experience with this subject then I'll be very grateful.

Re: Sensual desire as a Layman

Posted: Fri Mar 08, 2019 12:29 pm
by budo
Sexual desire/tension is one of the hardest desires to overcome, along with desire for food.

Don't be so hard on yourself, remember to practice Right thinking, and virtue in regards to right thoughts, while at the same time striving to reduce these desires.

For me personally, it is a process of elimination of desires, just like when you age you no longer find satisfaction in immature things, like say playing with toys for 5 year olds, likewise as your wisdom grows you will no longer find satisfaction in immature things.

You could do meditation on unattractive things in regards to the body (phlegm, period blood, mucus, dandruff, urine, poo, etc..) as one form of an attack on sexual desire, and to perhaps increase wisdom. Others can share more strategies.

Re: Sensual desire as a Layman

Posted: Sat Mar 09, 2019 1:16 am
by DooDoot
easymitch2 wrote:
Fri Mar 08, 2019 12:17 pm
... I can't seem to see through is sexual tension. I can go days and sometimes weeks without even a thought of this desire coming to mind but it always seems to come out of nowhere and with full force. I have accepted that this happens and I no longer feel down when I give into these urges but I'm left still wondering how I can dig this desire out by the root?
Giving in to the urges will result in their coming back again in the future. That is what sexual kamma (deed) & result (vipaka) is. It is a cycle. The cycle starts when sexual tension builds up & concentrates in central zones in the body and then, if the deed is done, there is a feeling of relief because, by doing the deed, the sexual tension is scattered into the limbs & other extremities & hidden places of the body. But, at a later time, the sexual tension will start gathering or concentrating itself again and, by doing so, it will become a hindrance.

So if you want to dig out this desire - when it comes out of nowhere with full force - you must not given in to it. You must endure it; until it passes.

The sexual tension comes out of nowhere into a central zone of the body so it can literally be "breathed out" of the body. But if the deed is done, you send the sexual tension back into the extremes of the body and you must start again.

The way to overcome it is to simply clarify your purpose. What are you interested in? What do you aspire to? Sex? Or calmness? Or concentration? Or jhana? Or Nibbana? If you are interested in the later things then don't give in to the sex tension. In MN 19, when sexual desire arose, the Buddha-To-Be reflected - "This leads to vexation. This does not lead to Nibbana".

Re: Sensual desire as a Layman

Posted: Sat Mar 09, 2019 2:33 am
by alfa
DooDoot wrote:
Sat Mar 09, 2019 1:16 am



The sexual tension comes out of nowhere into a central zone of the body so it can literally be "breathed out" of the body.
Can you elucidate upon this breathing out? Thanks. :anjali:

Re: Sensual desire as a Layman

Posted: Sat Mar 09, 2019 4:10 am
by thang
A sequential suggestion.
1) Arammana changing: give the mind something else (kusala object) to think.
(Just ignore it and move in to next moment and next ; like we don't think about just passed vehicles while driving)
if it didn't work then:
2) Asubha (feces/intestines/skeleton/corpse)
[Asubha torch have to be well charged in advance in order to see successfully]
if it didn't work then:
3) Anapana (breath: any akusala will instantly disappear for your surprise)
if it didn't work then:
4) Adinava (contemplating the consequences of sexual-desire-akusala; there are many.)
if it didn't work then:
5) Viriya (enduring by heroic energy; vira=hero;)
[to put effort successfully, we have to maintain a good faith because the cause of Viriya is Saddha ]

Hard to control desire is a 'OGHA' (flood). Following quote is about winning OGHAs.
Āḷavaka:
How can the flood be overcrossed?
How overcrossed the sea?
How dukkha can be overcome?
How win to purity?

Buddha:
By faith the flood is overcrossed.
By vigilance the sea.
By effort dukkha’s overcome.
By wisdom, purity.
If it is always hard to control, then it means we have less Viriya.
If we have less Viriya, then it means we have less Saddha.

Re: Sensual desire as a Layman

Posted: Sat Mar 09, 2019 4:27 am
by DooDoot
alfa wrote:
Sat Mar 09, 2019 2:33 am
Can you elucidate upon this breathing out? Thanks.
hi Alfa. It is not directly related to breathing. It is underlying sexual tension arising into a place in the body, nervous system & consciousness where it can dissolve & be expelled.

Re: Sensual desire as a Layman

Posted: Sun Mar 10, 2019 1:31 pm
by Bundokji
I remember Ajahn Jayasaro when talking about Ajahn Chah mentioned how he struggled with sexual desire when he was young. He mentioned patience as the ultimate solution.

Re: Sensual desire as a Layman

Posted: Tue Mar 12, 2019 12:27 am
by rolling_boulder
It is very difficult to overcome.
Here is what has helped for me:

Get away from your triggers. If you are serious about this, maybe you even have to get rid of your computer and phone, leave it at a friends place or something. Practice sense restraint especially with the eyes. Don't go a wandering.

A big one for me has been paying attention to how the desire makes you feel, before the act and after indulging. This way you're not judging yourself or feeling guilty about it but just asking "how does this actually feel in the body?" Before it's an unpleasant tension in the chest and groin, and after indulging it's an unpleasant burned-out or hungover feeling. Really try to see that both ways it is unpleasant. Then, if you can resist the indulgence a few times, really make sure to reflect on how that feels. Not feeling burned out. Not feeling that sense hangover. Lightness. Clarity. Really rejoice in that, again and again. Eventually the mind will start to see that it is stupid to want sense pleasures, because it just hurts and it is inferior to the alternative.

Then when that impulse arises, to act on desire in some way, ask yourself "How will this make me feel?" or "Yeah, but then what?" This can take a lot of the immediacy out of it, by considering what you know from experience the result will be.

This will make its effect over time, gradually and not instantly, but you may find your resources growing and growing and your cravings tending to lessen.

The ultimate way to go beyond lust is the jhanas, but that might not be feasible.

Re: Sensual desire as a Layman

Posted: Mon Mar 18, 2019 2:19 pm
by Eko Care
Asubha Retreats.
Sensual desire
:jedi: