Buddhism and raising children, how?

Buddhist ethical conduct including the Five Precepts (Pañcasikkhāpada), and Eightfold Ethical Conduct (Aṭṭhasīla).
Gintoki
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Buddhism and raising children, how?

Post by Gintoki »

I have a 7 year old son and I have had unanswered questions on the best way to raise him. I wonder how the Buddha would have raised his son if he was made to. I can't imagine the Buddha would be controlling of his son's freedoms...I'm not sure. I understand the value of being an example and I do my best to keep my detrimental behavior from his senses.

I know of a person who has an 19yr old daughter who's also just had a daughter days ago. This person's daughter was raised through a means called "unschooling" where basically you let your kid raise themselves by their own interest, learning from their consequences, they are allowed to drop out of school if desired, and most do. This girl is the most dependant person I've ever met. She throws tantrums as thow still a spoiled 9yr old. She refuses to move out on her own, she seems poorly educated, she has the strongest addiction to video games I've ever seen and 1 year ago spent some time in an expensive highly reputable rehab for drug abuse...for smoking weed. Apparently she wouldn't do anything while high and refused to ever be sober, she wouldn't bathe, didn't groom herself, wouldn't leave home, she just laid on her parents couch or her bed and essentially just drooled at a tv screen for months at a time before being put in rehab. Now, this girl's mother raises her newborn in all responsibilities except breastfeeding, while the daughter lays around eating and watching TV day after day. This girl has straight of whining fits anytime real world responsibility is pointed at her. Now I understand the mother is encouraging this way of life by making it available...but the moral of the story is that "unschooling" can be a trainwreck.

Now unschooling seems similar to what I'd imagine would be the way a buddha would raise their child. Providing and offering wisdom and being available to answer any questions and so on and so forth, but not forcing the child against the child's will. Surely the example of the buddha or arahant would greatly influence the life of the child, but I can't say to what degree nor that it matters when using your every day unenlightened lay person as an example of a parent. I currently live in somewhat of a...ghetto location and the only 2 kids his age seem to be terrible influences (in fact most every person I meet in life seems as though a potentially detrimental influence, even "christians").

Now with my ignorant thoughts...as my head clearly isn't in the right place, I'm terrified he isn't going to follow a more noble path. I spend most of my time listening to classical music or stuff like The Cure and David Bowie, now with the influence of my living area, my son is trying to talk like a "gangsta" and coming home from friends homes singing rap lyrics about checking out asses and getting paid. I always tell him my input on the nature and consequences of these things and I don't allow most known detrimental things in this home or in his behavior. My son has told me he doesn't feel special, he has told me he's not interested in understanding himself or life, the only thing he cares about is the next chance he'll have to play video games, as little as he plays them compared to most kids, it's all he cares to think about. He is terrified of learning new things, he refuses to try and learn to ride a bike or learn how to skate in rollerblades, he doesn't seem to appreciate nature, he refuses to listen when I give lesson on the value of listening and mindfulness... he is absolutely everything I wasn't as a child and I'm scared sick that we will have nothing in common in his coming years, it's a little painful that nothing of him seems prodigeous or bright other than his emotional sensitivity.

I do my best to positively encourage him and his self esteem.

"What would the Buddha do?" lol
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Bhikkhu Pesala
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Re: Buddhism and raising children, how?

Post by Bhikkhu Pesala »

Gintoki wrote:I have a 7 year old son and I have had unanswered questions on the best way to raise him. I wonder how the Buddha would have raised his son if he was made to.
...
"What would the Buddha do?" lol
The Buddha had a seven year old son, Rahula. He ordained him and trained him to become an Arahant.
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Sam Vara
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Re: Buddhism and raising children, how?

Post by Sam Vara »

Gintoki wrote:I have a 7 year old son and I have had unanswered questions on the best way to raise him. I wonder how the Buddha would have raised his son if he was made to.

"What would the Buddha do?" lol
He'd do this

http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka ... .than.html
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Zom
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Re: Buddhism and raising children, how?

Post by Zom »

Hardly we can know what would Buddha do. He is a special being with special mind and no one will be able to do same as he does.

Putting buddha aside, I can speak for myself. I have a daughter, 10 y.old. From the very start we raised her in Dhamma-way and, generally, we are pleased with the results so far. However, I can say, you can "build" only smth like ~50% of child's personality - not more than that. In some cases no matter how hard you try - you can do nothing or almost nothing. It depends on his/her previous kamma and strength of underlying tendencies.

But one thing is very important - the society - that is, people with whom your child communicates. Buddha said that "good friends is not the half of the holy life, but the whole holy life itself" - this is so true.
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mikenz66
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Re: Buddhism and raising children, how?

Post by mikenz66 »

Sam Vara wrote:
Gintoki wrote:I have a 7 year old son and I have had unanswered questions on the best way to raise him. I wonder how the Buddha would have raised his son if he was made to.

"What would the Buddha do?" lol
He'd do this

http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka ... .than.html
And when he was older this: MN62 The Long Discourse Giving Advice to Rāhula
Gintoki wrote:I have a 7 year old son and I have had unanswered questions on the best way to raise him. I wonder how the Buddha would have raised his son if he was made to. I can't imagine the Buddha would be controlling of his son's freedoms...I'm not sure.
This is an interesting question. I'm not convinced that the best way to raise a child would be to let the child "run free". This seems like a modern liberal western idea.

:anjali:
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Zom
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Re: Buddhism and raising children, how?

Post by Zom »

I'm not convinced that the best way to raise a child would be to let the child run free.
If you have no compassion for him, you can let him run free.. ;)
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Re: Buddhism and raising children, how?

Post by dhammarelax »

Bhikkhu Pesala wrote:
Gintoki wrote:I have a 7 year old son and I have had unanswered questions on the best way to raise him. I wonder how the Buddha would have raised his son if he was made to.
...
"What would the Buddha do?" lol
The Buddha had a seven year old son, Rahula. He ordained him and trained him to become an Arahant.
And to be safe here ordained monks have to follow a strict code of conduct called The Vinaya, those are more than 200 rules that detail even the way that they are supposed to eat, you have for example a recommendation to eat watching your bowl. So dont be shy on putting some good old rules in place.

smile all the time
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Even if the flesh & blood in my body dry up, leaving just the skin, tendons, & bones, I will use all my human firmness, human persistence and human striving. There will be no relaxing my persistence until I am the first of my generation to attain full awakening in this lifetime. ed. AN 2.5
Gintoki
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Re: Buddhism and raising children, how?

Post by Gintoki »

I hold a lot of gratitude for your input everyone.This thread reminds me of the saying "it takes a village to raise a child".

I am curious what your thoughts are on punishing and/or disciplining one's child for detrimental behavior. I understand this is a personal subject and answers are prone to disagreement, so I understand if one doesn't wish to share.

In the Buddha's case, his son chose willingly the life he followed. What if one's child willingly chooses self defilement. What if the Buddha's son said he didn't want any part of his fathers teachings, but only the inheritance of riches and status.

What if no matter how many times you advise your child on wholesome action, unwholesome action and the fruit of actions, the child still chooses detriment. What would be the best way to discipline, a way that doesn't require the parent to run counter to the dhamma?

Actually, what would you use as a means of discipline if your kid won't stop bossing others around, insulting others, and telling lies?
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SDC
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Re: Buddhism and raising children, how?

Post by SDC »

The greatest gift a parent can give the child is stability and balance. Understand that they have their own path (which may have nothing to do with yours), but until they are able to walk their's alone it is your job to care for them. Direct them away from real harm and don't worry about 'the music'. Give them the tools that will help them be honest, dedicated, hard working and independent. And one day, if your lucky they will no longer need you, but respect, love and appreciate you and still want to have you around.

In short, lead by example, not just explanation. Be what you want your child to be.
“Life is swept along, short is the life span; no shelters exist for one who has reached old age. Seeing clearly this danger in death, a seeker of peace should drop the world’s bait.” SN 1.3
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Re: Buddhism and raising children, how?

Post by Dhammanando »

Gintoki wrote:"What would the Buddha do?" lol
If the Bodhisatta had not gone forth, then it’s likely that he and Yasodharā would have raised Rāhula in the way that military families of the officer class have throughout history raised their sons, which is to say they would have had very little to do with it. This is based on the recognition that since parents are naturally disposed to spoil and lavish affection upon their children, too much contact with them will make a boy soft. And so as a suckling Rāhula would have been entrusted to wet-nurses, in early infancy to governesses, and in later infancy and adolescence to tutors in the military and political arts.

Now if you wish to do as the Bodhisatta might have done, but are not military yourself, then I believe this article describes a fair civilian approximation of a good kshatriya upbringing (though as a Buddhist you might want to leave out the God stuff and the fox-hunting).
Yena yena hi maññanti,
tato taṃ hoti aññathā.


In whatever way they conceive it,
It turns out otherwise.
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Sam Vara
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Re: Buddhism and raising children, how?

Post by Sam Vara »

Gintoki wrote: I am curious what your thoughts are on punishing and/or disciplining one's child for detrimental behavior. I understand this is a personal subject and answers are prone to disagreement, so I understand if one doesn't wish to share.

In the Buddha's case, his son chose willingly the life he followed. What if one's child willingly chooses self defilement. What if the Buddha's son said he didn't want any part of his fathers teachings, but only the inheritance of riches and status.

What if no matter how many times you advise your child on wholesome action, unwholesome action and the fruit of actions, the child still chooses detriment. What would be the best way to discipline, a way that doesn't require the parent to run counter to the dhamma?

Actually, what would you use as a means of discipline if your kid won't stop bossing others around, insulting others, and telling lies?
Personally, I don't use terms such as "defilement" except in the abstract or regarding myself. It sounds archaic, and would cause communication difficulties. I don't know what the Buddha would do if his son only wanted riches and status. For myself, I would be OK if an adult child had different values from me, and had no interest in the Dhamma. In fact, that is the case with my eldest child, and that seems to be the nature of parental love. If my children think like me, then I'm proud of their good sense; and if otherwise, then I rejoice in their independence of mind.

With regard to the latter part of the quote from your post, people who "won't stop bossing others around, insulting others, and telling lies" create all manner of difficulties for themselves or others. But children do these things in order to explore, test out boundaries, and because they don't know any better. It's part of being a child. They stop if gently controlled. In my household, that control involves telling them, asking them to reflect on what they are doing, and occasionally sending them to their room to think it over. Then an apology is expected.

I tend to be a tiny bit strict rather than permissive. That's because I think children are happier being slightly over-controlled and knowing boundaries, than being confused and wild. It's like the lute strings again: not too tight, and not too slack.
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Re: Buddhism and raising children, how?

Post by Gintoki »

Thanks Sam Vara, I can see what you mean by the word defilement, I'm derriving most of my terms from the words of Bhikkhu Bodhi, his conveyance of Buddha's word in 'The Noble Eightfold Path' make me feel he was days prior a christian straight out of the days of witch burning (joking). I suppose it's time to give this book up, so far it seems more harm than help as I'd rather be a Buddhist than a Baptist (also a joke).

I really like what you've said. Prior reading any replies I decided to give him 30 minutes in the corner where he is to spend that time contemplating the detriment of the misconduct (any instance or degree of bossing others around, lying, or harming another emotionally/physically with intention) as well as thinking about why he did it, afterwards he is required to tell me why he did it and why it's not "good", if he doesn't do this, he doesn't get any privelages till he does. And of course I make myself available to help him understand if he doesn't, unfortunately he never asks when he doesn't understand, but I guess that's a consequence that will lead to relative wisdom. I'm not giving anymore leeway for nonsense and ceasing "spankings". Thanks, you've encouraged me to be less conditional.
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Re: Buddhism and raising children, how?

Post by Vanda »

Use the Buddha as your example. You can look to the 10 qualities developed over many lifetimes by a bodhisatta, they appear as a group in Jataka (Birth stories). A bodhisatta is one who is motivated by great compassion, this was the Buddha before he reached his full awakening. Use these ten qualities as your guide. Uphold virtue in your life as an example to to your child (sila), always be patient (khanti) and express a kind and loving heart in all of your thoughts, words and actions (metta), think before you speak and before you give advice, be discerning (panna), stay balanced, keep an even keel, don’t overreact, etc (upekkha)… etc. You get the idea.

You can also buy the Jataka stories in book form for children (with lovely drawings), they are written up for all different age ranges. Living out these principles while having the child take in these stories directly, is very positive way to instill these qualities. Also be sure to not allow certain negative elements in your life on a full time basis; violent movies, etc
“Don’t go by reports, by legends, by traditions, by scripture, by logical conjecture, by inference, by analogies, by agreement through pondering views, by probability, or by the thought, ‘This contemplative is our teacher.’ When you know for yourselves that, ‘These qualities are skillful; these qualities are blameless; these qualities are praised by the wise; these qualities, when adopted and carried out, lead to welfare and to happiness’ — then you should enter and remain in them.”
- Kalama Sutta, Anguttara Nikaya
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Khalil Bodhi
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Re: Buddhism and raising children, how?

Post by Khalil Bodhi »

I have two children, 4 and 7 respectively, and have never had the thought that I shouldn't "force" my beliefs on them. If not me then who? Do I want my children to inherit the values of celebrity worship, rampant consumerism and nihilistic materialism? I think not although I often see Western Buddhists struggle with this decision.

I, myself, read the Jatakas as bed time stories to them both, Buddhist Stories Omnibus by Ven. Dhammika, encourage them to recite the refuges and precepts with me and frame events that happen in our lives according to the Dhamma.
To avoid all evil, to cultivate good, and to cleanse one's mind — this is the teaching of the Buddhas.
-Dhp. 183

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Dan74
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Re: Buddhism and raising children, how?

Post by Dan74 »

I'd get to know your son and do thing with him that he likes. Right now it sounds that there is a gulf between you two and it is widening. He feels that you want him to be different and no one likes that. He'll fight it and your efforts are likely to be in vain.

If, on the other hand, you engage with him on his turf, there will be chance to share some wisdom, even in the middle of a videogame, or kicking ball or eating ice-cream. The key is engagement. Accept him the way he is right now and work with it. There will be openings, opportunities to develop once he gains some confidence and feels supported.

Maybe a little quite from Carl Rogers could be useful:
In my early professional years I was asking the question: How can I treat, or cure, or change this person? Now I would phrase the question in this way: How can I provide a relationship which this person may use for his own personal growth?
_/|\_
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