disliking people

Buddhist ethical conduct including the Five Precepts (Pañcasikkhāpada), and Eightfold Ethical Conduct (Aṭṭhasīla).
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befriend
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disliking people

Post by befriend » Sat Oct 04, 2014 2:02 pm

what helps us from disliking people? when a negative thought about someone comes up can i just let it be? metta, befriend
nothing can destroy a man who has lived a pure life

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daverupa
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Re: disliking people

Post by daverupa » Sat Oct 04, 2014 3:07 pm

Just letting it be isn't advised:
MN 2 wrote:And what are the fermentations to be abandoned by destroying? There is the case where a monk, reflecting appropriately, does not tolerate an arisen thought of sensuality. He abandons it, dispels it, & wipes it out of existence.

Reflecting appropriately, he does not tolerate an arisen thought of ill will...

Reflecting appropriately, he does not tolerate an arisen thought of cruelty...

Reflecting appropriately, he does not tolerate arisen evil, unskillful mental qualities. He abandons them, dispels them, & wipes them out of existence. The effluents, vexation, or fever that would arise if he were not to dispel these things do not arise for him when he dispels them. These are called the fermentations to be abandoned by dispelling.
Learning the antidotes in one's own case involves understanding the attraction, danger, and escape in a given case of negative thinking about another.

Carefully consider MN 19 with respect to this issue.
  • "And how is it, bhikkhus, that by protecting oneself one protects others? By the pursuit, development, and cultivation of the four establishments of mindfulness. It is in such a way that by protecting oneself one protects others.

    "And how is it, bhikkhus, that by protecting others one protects oneself? By patience, harmlessness, goodwill, and sympathy. It is in such a way that by protecting others one protects oneself.

- Sedaka Sutta [SN 47.19]

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Cittasanto
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Re: disliking people

Post by Cittasanto » Sat Oct 04, 2014 3:33 pm

befriend wrote:what helps us from disliking people? when a negative thought about someone comes up can i just let it be? metta, befriend
Sometimes looking at or simply being with the thoughts about the person is useful, seeing where they come from... as sometimes putting them aside is not helpful. However this should be counterbalanced with looking at their good qualities also.
please see MN20
Blog, Suttas, Aj Chah, Facebook.

He who knows only his own side of the case knows little of that. His reasons may be good, and no one may have been able to refute them.
But if he is equally unable to refute the reasons on the opposite side, if he does not so much as know what they are, he has no ground for preferring either opinion …
...
He must be able to hear them from persons who actually believe them … he must know them in their most plausible and persuasive form.
John Stuart Mill

LXNDR
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Re: disliking people

Post by LXNDR » Mon Oct 06, 2014 2:27 pm

two suttas talk about just that

Dutiya āghātapaṭivinayasuttaṃ (AN 5.162)

and to a lesser extent

Paṭhama āghātapaṭivinayasuttaṃ (AN 5.161)

as far as thoughts and not emotional attitude towards people are concerned , since thought process is a verbal fabrication, you treat it just like the wrong speech and simply abstain from it

A fool from HK
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Re: disliking people

Post by A fool from HK » Mon Dec 29, 2014 4:16 am

I think if we are mindful, we can see how the feeling of disliking arises, for example we hear or see something then the feeling arises. And then I told myself it is just a process and I do not have to do anything about the feeling. Is it a good way to deal witht the feeling?

culaavuso
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Re: disliking people

Post by culaavuso » Mon Dec 29, 2014 4:57 am

A fool from HK wrote:I think if we are mindful, we can see how the feeling of disliking arises, for example we hear or see something then the feeling arises. And then I told myself it is just a process and I do not have to do anything about the feeling. Is it a good way to deal witht the feeling?
It's unclear whether the "feeling of disliking" here refers to simply an unpleasant feeling (i.e., dukkha vedanā) or a more active disliking such as a thought of ill-will (i.e., byāpāda vitakka). The latter seems to call for a more active response, perhaps via one of the techniques described in MN 20. The former case may be appropriate to observe mindfully with equanimity via the practice of mindfulness of feelings (vedanānupassanā) as described in MN 10. In either case, understanding the process that gives rise to the experience allows for greater skillfulness in conduct which can influence the process to prevent the future arising of the state.

If the conceptualization that there is disliking of a person has arisen, it seems likely that the circumstance at hand is more than just unpleasant feeling.

A fool from HK
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Re: disliking people

Post by A fool from HK » Mon Dec 29, 2014 7:46 am

Many thanks Culaavuso!!!!
culaavuso wrote: In either case, understanding the process that gives rise to the experience allows for greater skillfulness in conduct which can influence the process to prevent the future arising of the state.

Further question, I think it may also helpful in developing insight, for example the ill well arise becasue of the contact between the people (or his behaviour) we dislike and our gate of senses. And when the contact loss, the ill well will also gone. Am I right?

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Re: disliking people

Post by culaavuso » Tue Dec 30, 2014 5:43 am

A fool from HK wrote: Further question, I think it may also helpful in developing insight, for example the ill well arise becasue of the contact between the people (or his behaviour) we dislike and our gate of senses. And when the contact loss, the ill well will also gone. Am I right?
Ill-will seems to be several steps removed from contact at the sense gates. One way this might play out is that there is contact of sound with the faculty of hearing, which may be accompanied with a perception of loudness and an unpleasant feeling. This may give rise to ideation regarding the experience of hearing wherein the sound is framed within a narrative story line. This story line may involve the concept of another person speaking with a loud voice, the notion that a loud voice is inappropriate or disrespectful, and the idea that being disrespected is to be avoided. A sense of resistance underlying this perception of disrespect may then shape the arising of a motivation of aversion to the situation. This aversion, along with the ideation that the other person is the fault in the situation, may give rise to thinking imbued with ill-will.

When the sensory contact that initiated this process has ceased, and even long after leaving the other person's presence in any form has ceased, it is possible for obsessive ideation regarding the earlier events or projections of possible future events to continue. In this way, the thoughts of ill-will may continue even in the absence of the person to whom the ill will is directed.

Whether during the initial encounter or later when the momentum of such ideation continues, the recommendations of MN 20 are useful tools. Specific suggestions for how to apply those tools in the case of dislike towards a person can be found in the suttas cited earlier in this thread, AN 5.161 and AN 5.162. Failing to stop this process of ideation tends to foster attention to the theme of resistance which is explained in SN 46.51 as providing the fuel for the continued arising of ill-will. The development of the brahmavihāras as a continual practice can help prevent the initiation of such an unpleasant series of experiences in the first place.

A fool from HK
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Re: disliking people

Post by A fool from HK » Tue Dec 30, 2014 6:10 am

Thanks a lot!
:anjali:

paul
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Re: disliking people

Post by paul » Wed Dec 31, 2014 1:58 am

This situation (reassessing the relationship with people) inevitably arises with the progress of insight and dealing with it involves purification of view with respect to the two truths, conventional and ultimate: in other words developing the understanding that conventional truth and the worldlings that abide by it, is true at its own level,which does not contradict the fact that it refers to impermanent processes, so it coexists with ultimate truth. Discriminating between the two is the task of the initial stage of insight.
Last edited by paul on Wed Dec 31, 2014 5:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Sylvester
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Re: disliking people

Post by Sylvester » Wed Dec 31, 2014 1:19 pm

culaavuso wrote:
A fool from HK wrote: Further question, I think it may also helpful in developing insight, for example the ill well arise becasue of the contact between the people (or his behaviour) we dislike and our gate of senses. And when the contact loss, the ill well will also gone. Am I right?
Ill-will seems to be several steps removed from contact at the sense gates. One way this might play out is that there is contact of sound with the faculty of hearing, which may be accompanied with a perception of loudness and an unpleasant feeling. This may give rise to ideation regarding the experience of hearing wherein the sound is framed within a narrative story line. This story line may involve the concept of another person speaking with a loud voice, the notion that a loud voice is inappropriate or disrespectful, and the idea that being disrespected is to be avoided. A sense of resistance underlying this perception of disrespect may then shape the arising of a motivation of aversion to the situation. This aversion, along with the ideation that the other person is the fault in the situation, may give rise to thinking imbued with ill-will.

When the sensory contact that initiated this process has ceased, and even long after leaving the other person's presence in any form has ceased, it is possible for obsessive ideation regarding the earlier events or projections of possible future events to continue. In this way, the thoughts of ill-will may continue even in the absence of the person to whom the ill will is directed.

Whether during the initial encounter or later when the momentum of such ideation continues, the recommendations of MN 20 are useful tools. Specific suggestions for how to apply those tools in the case of dislike towards a person can be found in the suttas cited earlier in this thread, AN 5.161 and AN 5.162. Failing to stop this process of ideation tends to foster attention to the theme of resistance which is explained in SN 46.51 as providing the fuel for the continued arising of ill-will. The development of the brahmavihāras as a continual practice can help prevent the initiation of such an unpleasant series of experiences in the first place.

One of the most enlightened essays on the interplay between feelings, the underlying tendencies and how these fuel mental kamma.

Digity
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Re: disliking people

Post by Digity » Thu Jan 08, 2015 4:29 am

I use to have an issue with disliking people. One day I was sitting in the car with thoughts of ill-will towards people floating in my mind. I had this real strong sense of ill-will...I knew something was wrong. I knew it wasn't healthy to feel this way. At that moment I reflected on the Buddha. I thought about him and the compassion he had for people. At that point I realized how messed up my thinking was and began to change my thinking. Today I don't have that sense of ill-will anymore and I think the moment I described above where I reflected on the Buddha and his qualities played a central role in my shift of attitude.

Reflect on the Buddha, Dhamma and Sangha. Think about what qualities they embody and live up to those qualities the best you can.

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angryrika
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Re: disliking people

Post by angryrika » Mon Jan 12, 2015 12:55 am

What helps me is this:

1. Recognize the ill-will or the intention behind the state of mind.
2. Understand the mental label or concept (which is immediately applied, being a condition for anger) to the object of anger; "a person who's doing something bad" — such a label is smeared with judgement.
3. Release that label and try to understand the object of anger differently (what's really there?); "a person who's suffering and also being overtaken by unwholesome qualities"
4. Bring all four brahmaviharas into the picture — Metta is the intention to make others experience joy and karuna is the intention to lessen the suffering of others — both of which don't seem to be totally separate from each other. I believe mudita would tie in with the two, seeing as the intention to bring less suffering and more joy should naturally result in sympathetic joy. Upekkha just means you try to apply it to everyone.
5. Act or don't act — it's all dependent on circumstances. You don't need to always do something about everything. Try not to be "self-righteous" :smile:
For a person tormented by evil thoughts, who is passion-dominated and given to the pursuit of pleasure, his craving steadily grows. He makes the fetter strong, indeed. He who delights in subduing evil thoughts, who meditates on the impurities and is ever mindful — it is he who will make an end of craving and rend asunder Mara's fetter.

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