I started meditating seriously almost 2 years ago. Unfortunately, I mistook meditation teachings, and developed quite a reactive mind, mistaking that for feelings of being more liberated. I probably developed some more unwholesome qualities, including quite strong insomnia, and a mind racing with thought that I had never experienced before.
However, one particular thing I developed was that I felt very unstable only in public places. Where there were lots of people about in a stationary setting. Out in town and shopping was fine. But situations such as parties, dinners, where there was attention on me. I could literally feel my face quiver/spasm. This was very odd as I had never experienced such a thing before. It almost felt like everyone's energy was stronger than mine.
Now I don't know if I was just suppressing before i started meditating, to not have experienced this. Or if I currently was trying so hard to observe my feelings moment to moment, that I had lost mental grounding. What I realised I could do, but didn't, was snap my mind a little harshly into shape. Like slapping a child. I only did this recently and the quality of mind afterwards was similar to before I started meditating, though this always felt a bit blocked/suppressed. i am wondering if anyone has experienced something similar, and whether this was the right thing to do. Things definately felt more stable afterwards, but also, more removed. I don't know if this is suppression, or enforcing stability. There definately seems something at work here, energetically, so to speak.
I realise this might sound like a particular detailed, or 'out there' problem, but I feel if I continue to mess around with my mind like this, on my own, any longer, I will probably do damage. I have thought of going to a teacher to this, but how one acquires a good meditation teacher, or gets a good amount of time with them to ask these things.. I'm not sure.
If anyone has any experience or advice, I'd be interested and grateful to hear.