Having difficulty with metta practice

[Yong Fa]

Hello Dhammawheel,

Right now I'm focusing mainly on metta practice in hopes that it will help me reduce my ill will and egoism, which are the biggest problems I'm facing.
However, I would appreciate some advice from an experienced practitioner, because my practice seems stuck in a rut. I've tried a number of techniques, including:

1) general radiation of metta,

2) sending metta to specific people in terms of their relation to me, and

3) radiating metta to puppies/babies and then trying to spread that outwards

but none of these techniques seem to work that well for me. I see that my technique can be forceful sometimes and have softened my approach a bit, but still don't seem to be getting very far.

My questions for you are:
1) If you've had similar experiences, what helped you overcome them?

2) What does metta bhavana feel like for you? How do you feel during the rest of the day?

2) One of my main reasons for focusing on metta right now is to smooth out my interactions with other people, since I'm a bit shy and don't socialize much. Is it possible that my introversion is contributing to my difficulty in meditation?

Thank you very much!

With metta,
Yong Fa

[dhammarelax]

Hello Dhammawheel,

Right now I'm focusing mainly on metta practice in hopes that it will help me reduce my ill will and egoism, which are the biggest problems I'm facing.
However, I would appreciate some advice from an experienced practitioner, because my practice seems stuck in a rut. I've tried a number of techniques, including:

1) general radiation of metta,

2) sending metta to specific people in terms of their relation to me, and

3) radiating metta to puppies/babies and then trying to spread that outwards

but none of these techniques seem to work that well for me. I see that my technique can be forceful sometimes and have softened my approach a bit, but still don't seem to be getting very far.

My questions for you are:
1) If you've had similar experiences, what helped you overcome them?

2) What does metta bhavana feel like for you? How do you feel during the rest of the day?

2) One of my main reasons for focusing on metta right now is to smooth out my interactions with other people, since I'm a bit shy and don't socialize much. Is it possible that my introversion is contributing to my difficulty in meditation?

Thank you very much!

With metta,
Yong Fa

Hi Yong Fa

Welcome to the forum, I use metta as my main meditation object and one thing that helped me a lot is so smile, smile even if you dont want to, full instructions here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ifMKRRzlY6A" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

smile all the time
dhammarelax

[Thisperson]

Hello Dhammawheel,

Right now I'm focusing mainly on metta practice in hopes that it will help me reduce my ill will and egoism, which are the biggest problems I'm facing.
However, I would appreciate some advice from an experienced practitioner, because my practice seems stuck in a rut. I've tried a number of techniques, including:

1) general radiation of metta,

2) sending metta to specific people in terms of their relation to me, and

3) radiating metta to puppies/babies and then trying to spread that outwards

but none of these techniques seem to work that well for me. I see that my technique can be forceful sometimes and have softened my approach a bit, but still don't seem to be getting very far.

My questions for you are:
1) If you've had similar experiences, what helped you overcome them?

I tend to look at metta as more of a practicing good will "right here", as opposed to "radiating" it outwards. When you practice metta in this way it will naturally make you more open towards those that you encounter in your day to day activities. So you can try a simple phrase "May I be happy", "May I be at ease" or "May I look after myself with ease" and repeat it to yourself mentally. Try to have a genuine intention behind these words, as opposed to mindless repetition. When your attention slips to discursive thinking just let go and bring the attention back to your phrase. I've found it helpful to establish mindfulness of the breath in conjunction with metta that way you have a sort of two pronged attack.

As you keep this practice up pleasant feelings will arise in the body naturally, but they will come of their own accord. You can't force the good feelings. If we sit down and practice metta with the desire for good feelings to arise the mind will become agitated, whereas if you just focus on the phrase that you use with a genuine feeling of good will, and bring your attention back to it when the mind wanders, calm will naturally arise. You can use any phrase that works for you and gradually change it to other beings for example "May my parents be happy" "May my boss be happy" "May (insert name) be happy".

2) What does metta bhavana feel like for you? How do you feel during the rest of the day?

For me it feels like a pleasant feeling in the body with a sort of relaxing of the mind, along with a lack of discursive thinking.

2) One of my main reasons for focusing on metta right now is to smooth out my interactions with other people, since I'm a bit shy and don't socialize much. Is it possible that my introversion is contributing to my difficulty in meditation?

Thank you very much!

With metta,
Yong Fa

Shyness and introversion are habits. Try not to look at yourself as "being an introvert". All that does is define you as someone who is stuck with a certain attitude. Metta can help to cultivate a more default state of friendliness towards others. This doesn't mean though, that one can just be heedless during social interactions (or at any other time). You'll still need to watch for the hindrances arising.

[ryanM]

Something I noticed, but not necessarily the case, is that you didn't include metta towards yourself in your list of practices. If you just forgot, then OK, but if not, that should be your priority.

[Anders]

Something I noticed, but necessarily the case, is that you didn't include metta towards yourself in your list of practices. If you just forget, then OK, but if not, that should be your priority.

Yep. It really is the most important prerequisite and the one most westerners tend to gloss over, because it seems like a selfish thing to indulge in, somehow less worthy or noble than directing it to many or all beings. Many do not even realise that this justification is just letting secret self loathings run the show.

The first step of feeling that all beings everywhere truly deserve to be happy is to realise that you, more than anyone anywhere, is fully and truly deserving of true and unadultered happiness. Mature metta towards oneself should be blissing out on how happy you want yourself to be and how deserving you are of it. From this place, it becomes a natural step to extend this to others. Imo, this first step works better as an exclusive step. ie, you do only self-metta for an extended period of time and only after getting a proper feel for this (could be days, weeks or even months), introduce the next step (as opposed to the presentation that each step is gone through gradually in each meditation session from day one).

As for the other things - I'd drop the whole idea of doing metta to fix issue x and y in your life and start doing metta for its own sake. It really is also its own reward.

Also, there is something to be said for just slugging through the periods when you are not really feeling it. The intent to try and feel it is still operating and making things happen even if it doesn't feel like how it 'should'. This sort of practise is very useful for learning to love in spite the presence of obstacles to it.

[Bakmoon]

Hello Dhammawheel,

Right now I'm focusing mainly on metta practice in hopes that it will help me reduce my ill will and egoism, which are the biggest problems I'm facing.
However, I would appreciate some advice from an experienced practitioner, because my practice seems stuck in a rut. I've tried a number of techniques, including:

1) general radiation of metta,

2) sending metta to specific people in terms of their relation to me, and

3) radiating metta to puppies/babies and then trying to spread that outwards

but none of these techniques seem to work that well for me. I see that my technique can be forceful sometimes and have softened my approach a bit, but still don't seem to be getting very far.

It's hard to radiate metta without first being able to generate the feeling of metta. Usually this is done by mentally reciting words related to metta. Usually a meditator would start with a phrase like 'may I be well and happy' but make sure that when you say it you are paying full attention to the words and what they mean. Going somewhat slowly over the words and pausing for a bit before you repeat the phrase again. Also it can help to try to remember a time you felt happy before you start.

If after a while you find yourself repeating the words like a robot, it can help to switch to a different but similar phrase like 'may I have peace of mind' or something similar.

After doing this for a while, if you are successful you will start to feel a warm and loving sort of feeling, and this is the feeling that you want to imagine radiating out of you. After a while you can give up the words and just focus on radiating the feeling.

[Ron-The-Elder]

The way metta practice was taught to me was to begin with the mundane self (me). From there move on to someone we love, such as a parent, sibling, spouse, children, grandchildren, then those with whom we have difficulty, people we cannot stand, or who irritate us just being around them. From there radiate metta from within to above, below, forward, behind, left, right and then for four pi x radius squared steradians, which is the surface area of a sphere. Then expand the radius infinitely until you run out of energy.

Sometimes the term metta doesn't register mentally, and I use the terms "loving-kindness and compassion" instead.

Seems to work most times.

[Dhammanando]

The first step of feeling that all beings everywhere truly deserve to be happy is to realise that you, more than anyone anywhere, is fully and truly deserving of true and unadultered happiness.

Why do you say that?

I am aware that New Age teachers who give guided meditations incorporating a bastardized form of mettabhāvanā are wont to say such things. When asked why happiness is universally deserved they will typically make appeal to some aspect of the monism that underlies New Age thought. But on what specifically Buddhist premise can it be asserted that everyone deserves to be happy?

[cooran]

This article by Sharon Salzberg may be helpful:

Facets of Metta
http://www.vipassana.com/meditation/facets_of_metta.php" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

With metta
Chris

[Anders]

The first step of feeling that all beings everywhere truly deserve to be happy is to realise that you, more than anyone anywhere, is fully and truly deserving of true and unadultered happiness.

Why do you say that?

I am aware that New Age teachers who give guided meditations incorporating a bastardized form of mettabhāvanā are wont to say such things. When asked why happiness is universally deserved they will typically make appeal to some aspect of the monism that underlies New Age thought. But on what specifically Buddhist premise can it be asserted that everyone deserves to be happy?

Why would one wish happiness for all beings if it is felt they are not deserving of it? I posit no other reason than that this is what the mind of loving kindness perceives to be the case.

[Dhammanando]

Why would one wish happiness for all beings if it is felt they are not deserving of it?

One arouses a wish for it because it's what all beings wish for themselves. And the fact that the yogi wishes for the same for himself permits him to empathize with their wish for it, and based upon that, to arouse a wish that they may obtain the happiness that they wish for.

None of this entails entertaining any particular opinion on whether or not beings deserve happiness. In the brahmavihāras, as I understand them, the only place where a yogi needs to make any judgments of this sort is when developing muditā, where the texts caution him that it is only the righteous successes of others that are the proper objects of his rejoicing.

[Anders]

Why would one wish happiness for all beings if it is felt they are not deserving of it?

One arouses a wish for it because it's what all beings wish for themselves. And the fact that the yogi wishes for the same for himself permits him to empathize with their wish for it, and based upon that, to arouse a wish that they may obtain the happiness that they wish for.

None of this entails entertaining any particular opinion on whether or not beings deserve happiness. In the brahmavihāras, as I understand them, the only place where a yogi needs to make any judgments of this sort is when developing muditā, where the texts caution him that it is only the righteous successes of others that are the proper objects of his rejoicing.

I think we are essentially saying the same thing. I do not posit any teleological or metaphysical right to happiness in my use of the word 'deserve', but rather in the functional mind of the meditator, wedded to what appears to be a quite universal wish for happiness obstructed by a quite universal ignorance.

Universal does not imply metaphysical nor teleological though, even if it can be suggestive of such traits.

I don't quite agree that the meditator perceives it in this way for his own sake though. It is an element, but to say "I care about others only for my sake alone" would be too contrived and fail to explain why arahants nevertheless are models of these qualities without needing to be.

[befriend]

sense where your heart center is and visualize your breathing moving in through that area and then passing outwards there, for me this is at the heart chakra, this will create a warm feeling of metta. you can place your hand over this area too for more feeling.

[Cittasanto]

Hi Yong Fa
I have a question for you to start, what does metta translate to meaning for you? I understand it to mean more along the lines of friendliness, good-will, helpfulness. Something that can be expressed, acted upon....

My questions for you are:
1) If you've had similar experiences, what helped you overcome them?

Focusing on myself, and reviewing my reactions to situations. basically giving myself therapy.

2) What does metta bhavana feel like for you? How do you feel during the rest of the day?

It depends on the situation, and what you mean by feeling.

2) One of my main reasons for focusing on metta right now is to smooth out my interactions with other people, since I'm a bit shy and don't socialize much. Is it possible that my introversion is contributing to my difficulty in meditation?

[/quote]
Maybe thinking of Metta as friendliness would be more conductive to this?

Just remember that Metta is not necessarily needed to be expressed in the same way for everyone. The Buddha gave some great examples of how to treat people. sometimes he led them by the hand (so to speak), sometimes he scolded them, sometimes he gave little nudges (or left them to their own devises), and other times he gave up on them.

Kind Regards
Cittasanto

[jan fessel]

I do not believe that all beings can be said to "deserve happiness".

I would think they would have it if they deserved it, according to their kamma.

Relative Metta to me is friendliness, Medium Metta to me is Loving kindness, and Ultimate Metta is to me unconditional love to all beings that cross ones way.

Ultimate Metta has for me been an amazing experience of light and love, that made ordinary love look like a small candlelight, compared to the Sun of Ultimate love.

I call it Ultimate since it is not possible for me to imagnine a greater bliss of love, than that.

It was produced by a combination of walking meditation and of the Tibetan Tonglen meditation.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tonglen

"The Buddha said to his disciples, ‘You should train yourselves like this. “Our minds shall not be perverted nor shall we speak evil speech but with kindness and compassion we will live with a mind free from hatred and filled with love. We will live suffusing firstly one person with love and starting with them, suffuse the whole world with a love that is expansive, pervasive, immeasurable and utterly devoid of hatred or enmity.” This is how you should train yourself’ (M.I,127). The ancient Sri Lankan work, the Dharmapradãpikà, composed in the 12th century, says this of love; ‘If one has developed love really great, rid of the desire to hold and possess, that strong clean love which is untarnished by lust, that love that does not expect gain or profit, that love that is firm but not grasping, unshakeable but not inflexible, gentle and settled, hard but unhurting, helpful but not interfering, giving more than receiving, dignified but not proud, soft but not sentimental, that love which leads to the highest achievement, then one will be freed from all ill-will.’"

http://www.dhammawiki.com/index.php?title=Metta