My father's cough

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Dmytro
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Re: My father's cough

Post by Dmytro » Wed Feb 15, 2017 11:26 am

binocular wrote:I've already developed a kind of audio hypersensitivity and can hear the slightest noise he makes, even from afar.
Now that's a problem. Please take breaks by all means. Your father needs you to be healthy.
Also, I do need to hear him, just in case he needs help.
We're not in control of what happens with health. At least at night it's worthwhile to let things go.
Do you have any ideas on how to get my macho father to use them?
With external authority - preferably advice from someone with formal powers, - doctor, etc.
Yes ... we don't have the money for that at the time. I would certainly love a break from being my parents' personal servant ... Being a personal servant isn't so hard, actually. But being someone's psychological punching bag is.
Perhaps it would be possible to find someone in similar situation, and cooperate with them, exchanging shifts?

binocular
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Re: My father's cough

Post by binocular » Wed Feb 15, 2017 11:46 am

Dmytro wrote:With external authority - preferably advice from someone with formal powers, - doctor, etc.
To make matters worse, his GP broke his leg and there are now other doctors filling in for him. My father had a measure of respect for his GP, but he doesn't have it for the doctors that are filling in for him. Also, hospitals here are on complete or partial lock-down because of the flu.
Perhaps it would be possible to find someone in similar situation, and cooperate with them, exchanging shifts?
Oh, but the shame!
I'm sure that a big part of why this recent episode of my father's sickness is so hard on us all is because we haven't prepared for it. The worst time to try to come to terms with sickness is when one is already sick.
Every person we save is one less zombie to fight. -- World War Z

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Dmytro
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Re: My father's cough

Post by Dmytro » Thu Feb 16, 2017 9:44 am

binocular wrote:I'm sure that a big part of why this recent episode of my father's sickness is so hard on us all is because we haven't prepared for it. The worst time to try to come to terms with sickness is when one is already sick.
Somehow this is often the only time.

May you solve all the issues, and learn many valuable lessons in the process!

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Coëmgenu
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Re: My father's cough

Post by Coëmgenu » Thu Feb 16, 2017 10:37 pm

binocular wrote:He despises me and he dismisses every suggestion I make, no matter how carefully and impersonally I make it. He keeps insisting that nothing helps, and he rather gets angry with me than try what I suggest. But there's a lot he hasn't even tried. Most of the time, I am just quiet and don't get into conversations with him as he keeps asking, "Why me? Why won't anything help?!"
From my own experience, seeing relatives age and eventually die (though not my own father and not personally attending to them) my experience is that all you can do is be relentlessly positive, though at the same time criticizing decisions they make that you think are foolish, without being "too mean". It is a difficult and thin line to walk across. That is all I can say. The "old" think they know all the answers, and are hesitant to invite the opinion of the comparatively youthful. Similarly the "young" think they have answers that can "solve" aging-and-death, some do at least. They are foolish. I am not assuming you are among the "foolish" that I outline. Aging-and-death is the ultimate reality of samsara though, from a Buddhist perspective. Even the Buddha deemed so much as to say "my back aches".
世尊在靈山會上拈華示眾眾皆默然唯迦葉破顏微笑世尊云
The Lord dwelt at the Vulture Peak with the assembly and plucked a flower as a teaching. The myriad totality were silent, save for Kāśyapa, whose face cracked in a faint smile. The Lord spoke.
吾有正法眼藏涅槃妙心實相無相微妙法門不立文字教外別傳付囑摩訶迦葉。
I have the treasure of the true dharma eye, I have nirvāṇa as wondrous citta, I know signless dharmatā, the subtle dharma-gate, which is not standing on written word, which is external to scriptures, which is a special dispensation, which is entrusted to Mahākāśyapa.

नस्वातोनापिपरतोनद्वाभ्यांनाप्यहेतुतः

binocular
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Re: My father's cough

Post by binocular » Mon Sep 18, 2017 6:02 pm

Coughing season has officially begun! I am looking at about six months of 24/7 coughing.
Every person we save is one less zombie to fight. -- World War Z

Garrib
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Re: My father's cough

Post by Garrib » Mon Sep 18, 2017 8:43 pm

binocular wrote:Coughing season has officially begun! I am looking at about six months of 24/7 coughing.
Sorry binocular - maybe you can get some earplugs? :thinking:

binocular
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Re: My father's cough

Post by binocular » Wed Sep 20, 2017 4:28 pm

Garrib wrote:Sorry binocular - maybe you can get some earplugs?
No, the sound goes right through. I have very good hearing. I would need to have a special sound-proof helmet to block out sounds.

That incessant cough -- it's like the Chinese water torture.
Every person we save is one less zombie to fight. -- World War Z

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bodom
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Re: My father's cough

Post by bodom » Wed Sep 20, 2017 4:33 pm

Garrib wrote:
binocular wrote:Coughing season has officially begun! I am looking at about six months of 24/7 coughing.
Sorry binocular - maybe you can get some earplugs? :thinking:
Or even better some equanimity. :sage:

:anjali:
To study is to know the texts,
To practice is to know your defilements,
To attain the goal is to know and let go.

- Ajahn Lee Dhammadharo


With no struggling, no thinking,
the mind, still,
will see cause and effect
vanishing in the Void.
Attached to nothing, letting go:
Know that this is the way
to allay all stress.

- Upasika Kee Nanayan

Garrib
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Re: My father's cough

Post by Garrib » Wed Sep 20, 2017 4:48 pm

binocular wrote:
Garrib wrote:Sorry binocular - maybe you can get some earplugs?
No, the sound goes right through. I have very good hearing. I would need to have a special sound-proof helmet to block out sounds.

That incessant cough -- it's like the Chinese water torture.
:tongue: lol - well at least you have some sense of humor about it!

perkele
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Re: My father's cough

Post by perkele » Wed Sep 20, 2017 8:11 pm

One of my former roommates had such a chronic dry cough from smoking weed all the time. I knew that irresistible itchy feeling from smoking weed, too, and also, from my experience, that it wouldn't go away unless I consciously resist that urge for a good while. So I told him he should just try and resist the urge to cough. But, alas, he couldn't.

I was not the only one annoyed by it, but the others seemed to be better at ignoring it, or distracting themselves from it, than me. I can definitely relate to the "Chinese water torture" feel to it. But I don't know a simple and peaceful solution to it.

I tend to be very sensitive to such acoustic annoyances. More so than others around me, usually. Be it repetitive coughs or the monotonous beat of some techno music, even at a very low volume. Once I pick it up I cannot easily put my focus away from it.

But I found that it depends a lot on my general state of well-being and contentment with my situation in life. When I am absorbed in some enjoyable work then almost nothing can distract me that easily.

Another factor is whether or not I can put any blame on the causer of annoyance. If the noise is made by a person or living creature with some understanding and I find they should be able to control it and be quiet then I cannot focus on something else. I want to make them shut up. I find this difficult to let go, even if I see no way to get through to them.

If, on the other hand, my judgment is that I cannot blame them then it is easier for me to ignore the annoyance. But it can be really difficult to change that judgment in my mind.

binocular
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Re: My father's cough

Post by binocular » Thu Sep 21, 2017 8:50 am

perkele wrote:I knew that irresistible itchy feeling from smoking weed, too, and also, from my experience, that it wouldn't go away unless I consciously resist that urge for a good while. So I told him he should just try and resist the urge to cough. But, alas, he couldn't.
I've never smoked weed etc., but the whole side of the family on my father's side seems to be prone to coughing, and I as well. However, I've learned to resist the urge to cough, when the cough seems to be of allergic or similar origin, when there's just that annoying tickling in the throat (as opposed to when one actually has things to cough up). But my father is not like that. And the constant coughing makes it worse, actually causing an inflammation of the upper respiratory airways from all the strain.
But I found that it depends a lot on my general state of well-being and contentment with my situation in life. When I am absorbed in some enjoyable work then almost nothing can distract me that easily.

Another factor is whether or not I can put any blame on the causer of annoyance. If the noise is made by a person or living creature with some understanding and I find they should be able to control it and be quiet then I cannot focus on something else. I want to make them shut up. I find this difficult to let go, even if I see no way to get through to them.

If, on the other hand, my judgment is that I cannot blame them then it is easier for me to ignore the annoyance. But it can be really difficult to change that judgment in my mind.
I agree. I also think a lot depends on who the person who is coughing is. If it's just a stranger at the library or an acquaintance, then it's relatively easy to ignore.

But when it is a parent -- the person whom one is supposed to respect and look up and consider superior to oneself -- then it gets really tough.

And equanimity toward one's parents really doesn't seem like the right attitude.
Every person we save is one less zombie to fight. -- World War Z

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bodom
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Re: My father's cough

Post by bodom » Thu Sep 21, 2017 6:16 pm

binocular wrote:And equanimity toward one's parents really doesn't seem like the right attitude.
No, but equanimity towards the sound is.
When you hear a sound you think,'Oh that sound is bothering me.' If we see it like this, we suffer. But if we investigate a little deeper, we see that the sound is simply sound. If we understand like this, then theres nothing more to it. We leave it be. The sound is just sound, why should you go and grab it? You see that actually it was you who went out and disturbed the sound." - Ajahn Chah
A short concise little reflection for anyone to keep in mind when dealing with unwanted sounds.

I hope your father gets well soon.

:anjali:
To study is to know the texts,
To practice is to know your defilements,
To attain the goal is to know and let go.

- Ajahn Lee Dhammadharo


With no struggling, no thinking,
the mind, still,
will see cause and effect
vanishing in the Void.
Attached to nothing, letting go:
Know that this is the way
to allay all stress.

- Upasika Kee Nanayan

binocular
Posts: 5638
Joined: Sat Jan 17, 2009 11:13 pm

Re: My father's cough

Post by binocular » Fri Sep 22, 2017 6:15 pm

bodom wrote:
binocular wrote:And equanimity toward one's parents really doesn't seem like the right attitude.
No, but equanimity towards the sound is.
Could you explain how one has "equanimity towards the sound"?
When you hear a sound you think,'Oh that sound is bothering me.' If we see it like this, we suffer. But if we investigate a little deeper, we see that the sound is simply sound. If we understand like this, then theres nothing more to it. We leave it be. The sound is just sound, why should you go and grab it? You see that actually it was you who went out and disturbed the sound." - Ajahn Chah
A short concise little reflection for anyone to keep in mind when dealing with unwanted sounds.
This passage, given as advice here, misses the point, though. Because it really isn't about the coughing. It's about all the interpersonal problems, regrets, resentments, etc. that the coughing reminds me of. There are many unresolved issues between me and my father. And I have further unresolved issues because of that. But as long everyone is mostly quiet, talks about unimportant things, and pretty much minds their own business, things are tolerable, even as it is a tense silence. But the coughing breaks that silence, and then all the other problems come to the foreground.

I hope your father gets well soon.
Thank you. Things got so bad yesterday that even he decided that it was time to see a doctor. We went there, he was prescribed three medications, and things are slowly getting better.
Every person we save is one less zombie to fight. -- World War Z

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bodom
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Re: My father's cough

Post by bodom » Fri Sep 22, 2017 10:12 pm

binocular wrote:Could you explain how one has "equanimity towards the sound"
Thanissaro gives a nice analogy of an empty house with all the windows open and all kinds of sounds from the outside come in the window and blow out the back of the house with no resistence. There are many texts in the suttas describing equanimity at all six sense bases. One explains that when coming in contact with disagreeable objects, one should let go as quickly as that of a drop of water hitting a hot frying pan. Another sutta tells us that "In the heard will be merely what is heard."
This passage, given as advice here, misses the point, though. Because it really isn't about the coughing. It's about all the interpersonal problems, regrets, resentments, etc. that the coughing reminds me of. There are many unresolved issues between me and my father. And I have further unresolved issues because of that. But as long everyone is mostly quiet, talks about unimportant things, and pretty much minds their own business, things are tolerable, even as it is a tense silence. But the coughing breaks that silence, and then all the other problems come to the foreground.
Im sorry to hear that. My last post was only really in relation to the suggestion of getting ear plugs to deal with the sound. As you already know, from the point of view of the dhamma, the brahmaviharas are the only real answer to this. Easy to say hard to do.
Thank you. Things got so bad yesterday that even he decided that it was time to see a doctor. We went there, he was prescribed three medications, and things are slowly getting better.
Good. Its a start!

:anjali:
To study is to know the texts,
To practice is to know your defilements,
To attain the goal is to know and let go.

- Ajahn Lee Dhammadharo


With no struggling, no thinking,
the mind, still,
will see cause and effect
vanishing in the Void.
Attached to nothing, letting go:
Know that this is the way
to allay all stress.

- Upasika Kee Nanayan

binocular
Posts: 5638
Joined: Sat Jan 17, 2009 11:13 pm

Re: My father's cough

Post by binocular » Sat Sep 30, 2017 1:38 pm

Thank you for your reply.
Every person we save is one less zombie to fight. -- World War Z

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