This is a normla feeling my friend. Do not be too hard on your self.mettafuture wrote:Hello Dhamma Friends,
For years now I've been thinking about going forth and ordaining. I've already renounced most of my possessions; my lifestyle is very simple and clutter free. And I don't see myself having a problem giving up everything else, like my computer, my iPod, or my hair. I don't have a girlfriend, kids, or a big social life. I don't fit in most social circles because I don't like partaking in idle chatter or reckless behavior. I was this way even before I started calling myself a "Buddhist."
But the one thing that stops me from completely letting go is fear...
As a monastic, there probably wouldn't be too many surprises left. And without surprises or distractions, life would become some what predictable, and my own death would become too easy for me to see. It would be like looking down an empty street, and seeing the end -- right there.
- I fear that I may miss my parents.
- I fear that I may lose the handful of friends that I have.
- I fear that I may miss out on career opportunities (even though they'll likely only lead to more dukkha and frustration)
- And I especially fear the future.
A side of me really wishes I could get over this hindrance because I know being free of it would lead to a greater happiness, and I could be more productive, and help spread the Dhamma and Metta to others. But I don't know...
What are your thoughts?
The love for truth and eternal peace need to overcome the fears and attachments. Then you will know the right time to going forth in the HOMELESS life, like a wise wanderer.
"Let go of the past, let go of the future,
let go of the present, and cross over to the farther shore of existence.
With mind wholly liberated,
you shall come no more to birth and death."