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How do you/did you tell unsupportive parents?

Posted: Thu Sep 16, 2010 6:59 am
by Viriya
Some of you have been there, done that. How did you tell you parents you were going to become a monk/nun, how did they take it, and what would you do differently if you had another chance? How did you request their 'permission'? How did you reassure/convince your parents?

With much gratefulness,
Viriya

Re: How do you/did you tell unsupportive parents?

Posted: Thu Sep 16, 2010 7:38 pm
by Ytrog
Well, I had told them once that I was thinking about doing that one day. They thought I had lost it and that I had issues with myself. They would respect it though and support the choice if I made it.

I do still think about it. Even having a job/career now, It seems such a pointless life and I will not do this forever. I want to do something that means something. Not that the things I'm doing are not fun, but they seem just so pointless. I mean be born, go to school, get a career and then die is not the kind of life that I would want. Well, I hope I have the guts to do it someday.

I sincerely hope an actual monk is going to answer your question, because my experience is probably not much to go with. :anjali:

:offtopic: I do wonder though: I saw some members that are monks here. Where do they get the time for participating a forum? :o
I know monasteries (in the UK no less) that are only reachable by mail and do not have internet (other than their site).

:focus:

I'm curious about what people will reply as well. Interesting topic, although I guess the title doesn't match the question. There can't be only unsupportive parents out there.

Re: How do you/did you tell unsupportive parents?

Posted: Fri Sep 17, 2010 3:47 am
by Viriya
Thankyou so much Ytrog! You've done a lot to steady my nerves. I also hope you do have the intestinal fortitude to go forth one day. I suppose my parents have always felt I was their loopy child, and I've told them outright since I was eleven that I want to be a nun, so it shouldn't be too much of a shock...Oh well, I suppose the hard part (telling them) should all be over by the end of the month. :smile:

Wish me luck!

Re: How do you/did you tell unsupportive parents?

Posted: Fri Sep 17, 2010 4:13 am
by Phra Chuntawongso
Hi Virya.Thankyou for your kind wishes.
I told my folks a few months ago of my desire to enrobe and that I would need their permission to do so.
My dads reaction was"thats an interesting move".My mom was a little more reticent but then decided it could have been worse,I could have become a christian :quote:
Wishing you all the best when you speak to your folks and all the best with your plans.
With metta

Re: How do you/did you tell unsupportive parents?

Posted: Fri Sep 17, 2010 6:55 pm
by Viscid
Viriya wrote: I also hope you do have the intestinal fortitude to go forth one day.
:jumping:
Viriya wrote: Oh well, I suppose the hard part (telling them) should all be over by the end of the month. :smile:

Wish me luck!
Keep us updated. Very interested in hearing how this goes!

Re: How do you/did you tell unsupportive parents?

Posted: Thu Oct 07, 2010 4:30 am
by Azhija
I am afraid this may come a bit too late, but seeing that I have strong Christian parents, whom are very un-supportive, I felt I should at least make mention of my own experience. I knew I was not going to get an approving release, but I wanted to inform my parents of my interests, and felt I should prepare them for a possible monk for a son. I am currently seeking to become an Anagerika, so I have a few years to work on this issue.

A very wise Bhikkhu explained to me, that there were some "better" circumstances, in which I could communicate to my parents my interest in ordination. He suggested that the best way might be for me to compose a letter: explaining the sincerity of my interest; my length of time thoughtfully considering my choice; focusing on the study and training rather than the "religious" aspects (chanting, statues, bowing, etc.); and most importantly, keeping the focus on - NOT what I didn't like about their religion or their values (perceived as a personal attack), but on what I found in similarities to values in Buddhism (HH Dalai Lama likes to speak, in regarding to all religions, being focused on compassion). Focusing on the values of compassion, loving-kindness, sympathetic joy, and equanimity are valuable points. Writing a letter gives you time to compose your thoughts, be less emotionally charged, and lets them read, think and ponder your decision. You can even read them the letter if you wanted to speak to them in person.

He suggested that if I spoke to them in person, it may/may not be best to do it at home. As you have to consider a "cooling off" period, where you both may have to go to separate rooms or separate places or some space to regroup. He suggested that writing a letter and/or speaking to them in person would be best to show my sincerity, earnest attempt at providing understanding and investment of time. He suggested NOT emailing or calling, where it might seem insensitive or easily dismissive (i.e. "click"...dial tone). As my parents were always the "under my roof you will/will not..." kind, I thought writing a letter would be best.

I spent 3 weeks writing and refining my letter, until my parents called and (having not seen me in 3 years) offered to fly me home. :roll: Flying home, I brought the letter with me and I spoke to them in person. I paraphrased my letter, and gave them time to ask questions and get emotional. By the end, my mother wanted to have my letter, gave me the "you're 40-something, you're gonna do, what you're gonna do" and my dad could only say he was disappointed. Not exactly the Vinya prescribed approval/release from fiduciary responsibilities.

As I have other brothers and sisters, I've been told, their reluctant "[go]...you're gonna do it regardless" was enough in it's neutrality to release me. Others have said, they are non-Buddhists ("holders of wrong views"), so they can't understand the importance of Dhamma, thus I can be released (which Dhammanando Bhikkhu points out may not be the (case). As I have a few years until I am formally requested, regarding my parents approval, I am hoping the supreme teaching, which is Dhamma, will cool their heated hearts.

My last resort, would be, as Dhammanando Bhikkhu further points out :
But there are also quite a number of exceptions given in the Vinaya Atthakathā (Samantapāsādikā. v. 1011-12)
... (12) Then, [one saying] "I shall jump from a tree," has climbed up and is about to let go with his hands and feet. It is suitable to let him go forth.
I'm hoping it doesn't have to come to that.... Good Luck with your own conversation!

Re: How do you/did you tell unsupportive parents?

Posted: Thu Oct 07, 2010 4:37 am
by Ben
Great post, Azhija!
Sorry to hear of your family woes. I hope your parents hearts soften when the time comes.
kind regards

Ben

Re: How do you/did you tell unsupportive parents?

Posted: Thu Oct 07, 2010 5:15 am
by Viriya
Thankyou very much, Azhija, and best wishes for your eventual ordination, may your parents see the benefit of it, and may they also be well and happy. Interruptions in circumstances have delayed my departure from the home-life, so your words of wisdom haven't come too late. Please don't do any jumping from trees. It doesn't sound particularly skillful...

I'm very thankful that the requisite period as an 8 precept/10 precept nun in the monastery I have in mind means I can enter a monastic setting without obtaining formal parental permission. I hope two years will be long enough for them to warm to the idea. If not...being a life-long 10 precept nun isn't such a bad idea. A letter sounds like a excellent idea, except for that one of my parents is inevitably going to read it before the other. I'd much rather they both heard at exactly the same time, even if that means sacrificing the more considered and articulate approach a letter offers. I'll take good note of your suggestions in bold. :anjali:

Re: How do you/did you tell unsupportive parents?

Posted: Thu Oct 07, 2010 3:00 pm
by Phra Chuntawongso
Still :offtopic: Hi Ytrog. The reason I can find time to be online and joining in these discussion is because I am cutting into my sleeping time.Don't be fooled by the posting time on my reply.It is about 23:00 hours here in Malaysia,so after this I must sleep.Gotta get up a 3:00am.The temple where I am at is paying for my internet connection.True though,some places will only allow snail mail.
For me personally,I like the chance to hear differing opinions and maybe occasionally I might be able to post something that may speak to some ones heart.
It is really nice to spend some time with all you dudes and dudesses out there in cyber space.
With metta and good night to everyone.

Re: How do you/did you tell unsupportive parents?

Posted: Thu Oct 07, 2010 3:22 pm
by Hanzze
_/\_

Re: How do you/did you tell unsupportive parents?

Posted: Thu Oct 07, 2010 3:26 pm
by Hanzze
_/\_

Re: How do you/did you tell unsupportive parents?

Posted: Thu Oct 07, 2010 3:43 pm
by Hanzze
_/\_

Re: How do you/did you tell unsupportive parents?

Posted: Thu Oct 07, 2010 5:02 pm
by Ytrog
Nanadhaja wrote:Still :offtopic: Hi Ytrog. The reason I can find time to be online and joining in these discussion is because I am cutting into my sleeping time.Don't be fooled by the posting time on my reply.It is about 23:00 hours here in Malaysia,so after this I must sleep.Gotta get up a 3:00am.The temple where I am at is paying for my internet connection.True though,some places will only allow snail mail.
For me personally,I like the chance to hear differing opinions and maybe occasionally I might be able to post something that may speak to some ones heart.
It is really nice to spend some time with all you dudes and dudesses out there in cyber space.
With metta and good night to everyone.
I was just curious. I was surprised when I got here to actually see monks online. It's nice to have you and all the other monks online here. :anjali:

Re: How do you/did you tell unsupportive parents?

Posted: Thu Oct 07, 2010 8:21 pm
by Phra Chuntawongso
Hi Ytrog.I agree,it is nice to see the participation of monks and the lay people.Some of the comments that get posted really get are quite refreshing to read.
The other nice thing is that not all the threads require you to be serious.You can share a good laugh with each other.
I hope to be able to continue to to share the experiences,the ups and downs the laughter and the occasional ranting of you all.
This is a nice place to learn as we grow in the Lord Buddhas teachings. :coffee:
With metta

Re: How do you/did you tell unsupportive parents?

Posted: Mon Oct 11, 2010 2:39 am
by Viriya
Hanzze wrote:
No need to get permission.
Under the Vinaya, formal parental permission is required for both monks and nuns to ordain. Ordaining a candidate without parental permission is an offense for the preceptor, and will cause the ordination to be invalid. (Except maybe in a handful of very exceptional circumstances already discussed on this forum.)