Thank you all for your answers.
Just for the record, I am a sports person. I practice powerlifting and martial arts many times a week. And I watch my diet, to be clean and healthy. My weariness comes from the fact that I have the impression not to get enough sleep, waking up too early, commuting to work, coming back tired. This is a common story... Not to mention I get bored at work, and have an office job that has nothing exciting or stimulating per se. I do it cause I (think) I need it to make a living. I tried to do something I love and started a home-based activity, but got broke. So here I am again. I hold no grief. I accept my situation and am grateful for what I have.
I share what P̶e̶s̶a̶l̶a̶ Bikkhu Pesala
said. Worldly things do make me weary indeed. From the early school years I always felt like that. I preferred to observe the sea, or flowers, alone, rather than getting involved in stuff that did not make any true sens to me.But as Viscid
said, I am still involved in lay life, and though a monk life seems attracting to me, I know I am far from being ready for that. SO, clearly, I am in a state of conflict :/
A precision about my girlfriend. She is always abroad so we only see each other two times a month or so. This was the first trip we had. I was expecting this to happen, though, so no big surprise finally, I saw it coming. But it still was an unpleasant experience. To answer seeker242
, I was ok with visiting. But I was not willing to wake up early, almost skip^breakfast, run along the city sights, etc. However I was accepting to do it for her. Fact is, this was not brought up "nicely". When I expressed my views I was almost yelled at. She was really fearing
her holidays to be spoiled. So it was more of a communication issue (the way her desire and craving were expressed) and the unwillingness to compromise and cooperate.
As I stated it in my other post, I know I am not with the right partner right now. I am with her through spite. Why...
First off, being single means being abstinent, and sexual desire is really one of the roots of craving that are the most stubborn. Please don't judge me. This has been a lifelong battle for me. I have "needs". I know this doesn't feel very Dhamma-compliant. But I'm working on it. If I wait for the '"right person" I will remain abstinent for a long time, that is sure. I have to concentrate on values over good looks because I think I won't have both (just being realistic. I guess...).
Secondly, she is so attached that all my attempts to bring this to an end failed. I feel disarmed when she looks so sad. I really feel torn apart. Many times, I told her that this was not getting us anywhere. As i am writing this I feel a bit ridiculous and I apologize as this might sound so trivial.
Bhikkhu Pesala wrote:if Dhamma practice is encouraged rather than being obstructed or scorned by one partner, they can get along together well enough
santa100 wrote:the right partner who's willing to support you and your cultivation of Dhamma practice in the long run
Hail to that. Is there a Dhamma dating site ? :p
Mkoll wrote: You're asking people on an internet forum who don't know you whether we think you're a vegetable. To me, that's extreme and indicative of strong doubt.
lol. I did not ask this on facebook or Yahoo answers. It's dhamma wheel, not a random forum
So I am expecting feedback from people sharing my path and more experienced into it. That's just something that I've been experiencing progressively : Disinterest of (most) worldly things. Sincerely.
I just love to observe nature. All the rest makes me yawn. I do love a few things, like composing music on my computer, and exercising. I am also very attracted to beautiful women, but I see this more as a big flaw to tackle (^^). All in all, I'm a rather cheerful person and I do enjoy life. I did not reach "the point of ennui where everything is blunted, monochromic and dull" as TheNoBSBuddhist
states it. Far from that. But i feel like I've stepped off the running train and everything around me goes waaaaay too fast. I need rest, good sleep, I am less reactive to stress, but less responsive too, like I have less liveliness somehow, like being too slow.
I am looking for a good balance between dispassion, and not losing my inner energy and sinking into lethargy, as Viscid
stated it :
Viscid wrote:lethargy should be remedied, not glorified.
If Mehdi put everything aside because he came to the rational conclusion that total liberation was the primary goal he wished to strive toward, then that's one thing.. but if his condition was unintentionally brought on, and is interfering with the life he wishes to live, and the relationships he wishes to maintain, then that indifference is a serious problem.
Do I really have to chose ?
I mean, I came to the rational conclusion nothing worldly is really worth the hassle. And that complete detachment is key to happiness. However, as Bikkhu Pesala
stated if, I am clearly in conflict. I still need to find balance as a lay person
how can metta revive my energy ?
PS : Crazy Cloud
, no, nobody knows about my nasty little secret. I lock myself down in the men's room lol. But I guess a few colleagues guessed what was happening lol. I have to sleep early to avoid this. @TheNoBSBuddhist, to be honest, I am not working in family small business, it's a big investment corporation handling billions and I really feel like an insignificant drop of water in their ocean. Like an anonymous employee with a barcode on the neck. I do long hours, no breaks, and commuting. It's not like my micro naps will ruin the company. But I get your point. In order to feel "full" I need to wake up a 9. which is the time I am already in front of my computer in the office. Sleeping earlier means having less free time
at home, and having only 2 or 3 hours of personal time in a day. This makes me cry inside, really. I am subject to the schism between work life and personal life. I feel like the time I spend in the office is stolen from me lol. I accept it as a necessity, no problem with that. You have to give in order to take. But I can't help trying to get the most of my free time and I end up sleeping too late every night. Is this a form of craving ? Do I have really to choose between being mostly a slave to the corporation and society / and living free and poor like a monk would do ? no other options here ?