How to deal with humiliation?

A discussion on all aspects of Theravāda Buddhism
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alfa
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How to deal with humiliation?

Post by alfa » Sun Mar 17, 2019 3:10 pm

:namaste:

In a world where success matters more than life itself, how do you deal with people who mock you for failing? I mean failure by worldly standards, such as not being able to afford a home by a certain age, or not being able to travel much, etc. Basically, you are forced to live a frugal life, with not much money or fame, which by worldly standards would be seen as a failure.

People say things, sometimes to your face, or sometimes behind your back. It could be humiliating.

How to deal with it?

Did the Buddha ever talk of such things? Is there even a word for humiliation in pali, I wonder. We talk of dealing with greed, anger, and delusion. But these are things we ACTIVELY participate in, so it's reasonable to say that we must end them. But shame or humiliation is not something we do. It's something that happens to us.

So how do we deal with it?
:anjali:

santa100
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Re: How to deal with humiliation?

Post by santa100 » Sun Mar 17, 2019 3:42 pm

alfa wrote:In a world where success matters more than life itself
The very first thing to do is to honestly ask yourself whether you yourself also subscribe to that kind of life philosophy. If you do, then of course you will suffer greatly when being hit in the face by the Eight Worldly Conditions (aka the "Eight Winds", AN 8.5, AN 8.6). Obviously lay folks still have to put food on the table and bills to pay, hence still has to get a job with a sufficient wage to cover the expenses. But it is you who lives your life, and you will never be at peace if you constantly feel obligated to meet or exceed other people's expectations.
AN 8.5 wrote:Bhikkhus, these eight worldly conditions revolve around the world, and the world revolves around these eight worldly conditions. What eight? Gain and loss, disrepute and fame, blame and praise, and pleasure and pain. These eight worldly conditions revolve around the world, and the world revolves around these eight worldly conditions.

Srilankaputra
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Re: How to deal with humiliation?

Post by Srilankaputra » Sun Mar 17, 2019 4:22 pm

What about the blessed ones example. A Prince who could have become a king, wearing cast of cloths for robes eating alms food. Wouldn't that count as total utter failure by worldly standards. We being deciples of the blessed one, why should we fear such fools humiliation?

But as you say we are assailed by such thoughts not being ariyas ourselves. Still it only hirts when we think obout it. Forget it. If that is not possible we can diminish the effect of such thoughts by the power of mindfulness and wisdom. Seeing them simply as mental khandhas that arise and cease. Impermanent and not self.
O seeing one,we for refuge go to thee!
O mighty sage do thou our teacher be!

Paccuppannañca yo dhammaṃ,
Tattha tattha vipassati

“Yato yato mano nivāraye,
Na dukkhameti naṃ tato tato;
Sa sabbato mano nivāraye,
Sa sabbato dukkhā pamuccatī”ti.

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Aloka
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Re: How to deal with humiliation?

Post by Aloka » Sun Mar 17, 2019 4:28 pm

alfa wrote:
Sun Mar 17, 2019 3:10 pm
:namaste:

In a world where success matters more than life itself, how do you deal with people who mock you for failing? I mean failure by worldly standards, such as not being able to afford a home by a certain age, or not being able to travel much, etc. Basically, you are forced to live a frugal life, with not much money or fame, which by worldly standards would be seen as a failure.

People say things, sometimes to your face, or sometimes behind your back. It could be humiliating.

How to deal with it?

Did the Buddha ever talk of such things? Is there even a word for humiliation in pali, I wonder. We talk of dealing with greed, anger, and delusion. But these are things we ACTIVELY participate in, so it's reasonable to say that we must end them. But shame or humiliation is not something we do. It's something that happens to us.

So how do we deal with it?
:anjali:
Hi alfa,

Just a suggestion, but maybe you could try dealing with it by practising Metta for yourself and for the people you feel are mocking or humiliating you?





:anjali:

dharmacorps
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Re: How to deal with humiliation?

Post by dharmacorps » Sun Mar 17, 2019 5:22 pm

alfa wrote:
Sun Mar 17, 2019 3:10 pm

In a world where success matters more than life itself, how do you deal with people who mock you for failing? I mean failure by worldly standards, such as not being able to afford a home by a certain age, or not being able to travel much, etc. Basically, you are forced to live a frugal life, with not much money or fame, which by worldly standards would be seen as a failure.
When you follow the dhamma, the focus on those material things is not applicable. Your wealth is in your good actions-- your virtue, your goodness. If they value material success more then that, they are fools, and should at a minimum be pitied. If you are able to, as others have suggested, compassion, good will, and equanimity is good.

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cappuccino
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Re: How to deal with humiliation?

Post by cappuccino » Sun Mar 17, 2019 11:00 pm

there is no self to humiliate

if you feel there is a self to humiliate, see there is not

either way, it's not a problem

2600htz
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Re: How to deal with humiliation?

Post by 2600htz » Sun Mar 17, 2019 11:29 pm

Hello:

Something that its hard to swallow, is that bullies are attracted to people who display weakness, and that weakness many times its because they are not living in harmony or in line with the dhamma (or because of a past life kamma).

I give you an example:

If you see any hollywood teenage movie, the kid being bullied usually lives in his own world, is not in the present moment, has some strong hate towards his father or mother (because he is treated badly by them), he lies a lot to them and holds a grudge. So he goes to school with a lot of remorse and fear in his eyes.

So yes, radiating metta towards the bully, or forgiveness towards oneself is very good. But also taking responsability in the way we are living. That way we avoid the victims mentality.

(Even the Buddha was treated badly, or became the victim of devadatta. He explained in a sutta what caused this things but i don´t remember the number, all because of old bad actions).

Regards.

befriend
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Re: How to deal with humiliation?

Post by befriend » Mon Mar 18, 2019 12:11 am

If someone humiliates you see it objectively. See if there's some truth in what there saying someone called me a fool maybe I am. What can I do to increase my intelligence. I learn from that insult and try to improve my right speech by not saying foolish things and thinking more before I speak.
Take care of mindfulness and mindfulness will take care of you.

thang
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Re: How to deal with humiliation?

Post by thang » Mon Mar 18, 2019 5:11 am

The path to enlightenment is not so easy. It is a path that goes against the stream. Buddha called this "Patisothagami " or going against the stream. It is just like when almost all the fish in the water are swimming with the flow while only one fish is trying hard to swim against the flow. It's not swimming against the resistance of the flow of water but also the resistance of the other fish that may impede its path.
swimming-against-stream
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"Bhikkhus, whatever the Tathāgata speaks, _ all that is just so and NOT otherwise."

binocular
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Re: How to deal with humiliation?

Post by binocular » Wed Mar 20, 2019 6:26 pm

alfa wrote:
Sun Mar 17, 2019 3:10 pm
People say things, sometimes to your face, or sometimes behind your back. It could be humiliating.

How to deal with it?
Contemplate how life as it is usually lived is a struggle for survival.
Did the Buddha ever talk of such things? Is there even a word for humiliation in pali, I wonder. We talk of dealing with greed, anger, and delusion. But these are things we ACTIVELY participate in, so it's reasonable to say that we must end them. But shame or humiliation is not something we do. It's something that happens to us.

But one can only feel humiliated if something that one values was attacked. So one isn't entirely passive in the process of humiliation.
If someone were to make fun of you for something you are not (e.g. blonde, black, female, whatever), you wouldn't feel humiliated, because you wouldn't feel addressed by the accusation in the first place. In order to feel humiliated, the accusation must be about something that you hold true and value, perhaps unconsciously.
Every person we save is one less zombie to fight. -- World War Z

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