The Pain Of Living In Between Two Worlds - Need Good Advice

[Mr.SeanStewart]

Hey friends, I wrote this initially as a message to a wise member here but decided to post it here as I'm certain I'm not the only one who goes through such challenges.

Love your compassionate wisdom to help me get my head clear and to create new conditions that enable me to advance on the path while remaining in integrity with my financial life and worldly duties.

I am very troubled by this and your feedback can help me make a better decision.

I have a very addictive personality and I become interested in whatever I do very deeply but I have a hard time sustaining my focus.

I'm troubled because every time due to my life crises I am lead to a retreat I remember my true purpose in this life, to devote myself to developing in wisdom - and I see the trap of my senses and addictions and my people pleasing behaviors, but I'm troubled because of the world demands of money and bills and past debt, that seems to constantly takes me away into the world.


On top of that I'm a very passionate person, I still have so many cravings and desires for traveling, dating and being in a relationship with a beautiful partner - even though I have already had many partners and know that within few months or years it becomes very dull and I have zero desire to have children. Iv been meditating for 10 yrs. been to about 7 x 10-day retreats.


Long story short, I have some financial debt, I have been self-employed since 2008 I am in the field of wellness and coaching and personal development, even though I had some success (80k in 2009, and 120k+ in 2015), I have a pattern of losing everything and haven't really been able to sustain my income but have lost everything many times over, and now starting over - at age 35 living at parents house been single for 2yrs.

I just came from a month off retreat and I am now meditating about 3 hrs per day and I could easily increase that so passionate about the path and the self-discovery process - last retreat which was 10 days I wish I could go for another 10 because after 9 days I start to notice some serious changes in my awareness and I'm DYING to know how far more I can go in self-awareness and purifying my mind's additions and aversions.

I really want to develop Jhanas and to recall past lives and to make the most of my life as a healthy, fit, intelligent person who lives in Canada and still have a family who supports me, I want to become the most conscious and server others to end the suffering of living on the superficial level of life that my family and I have been subscribed to.

I'm finding that when my business takes off it consumes my time. Even though I have kept my daily sitting morning and night, I noticed when i'm busy in the world, my meditation becomes very automatic and does have that focus and passion to grow behind it.

But when I become broke and lose everything it's so easy to go to a retreat because i have nowhere better to go and my meditation takes off because I feel so eager to at least do this ONE thing right to develop in wisdom.

So I guess my challenge is how can i sustain my progress on the path and keep my ability to remain passionate while being able to meet my worldly needs - Because right now I'm about to relaunch my next coaching offer and getting back into the world and the interactions with people and the need for my attention tends to really make it hard to meditate seriously and to take time off.

If you have any suggestions based on your wisdom I love to hear it.

[SarathW]

Keep it simple and do not expect supernormal powers.
It appears that you think that the path and the living as two different things.
Living and the path are the same and it is gradual training (path).
Take one step at a time.
Start with observing five precepts and do your day job.

[JamesTheGiant]

If you have any suggestions...

It seems like you're living a good householder life, and also trying to live a monks life. It's basically not possible to do both to the extent you want.

A good householder practice:
1) Follow the 5 precepts strictly. Perfect sila.
2) At least once a week follow the 8 precepts for a day.
3) Meditate for two hours each day, but give up trying for deep stillness and jhanas. It's not going to happen with your busy life as it is, you'll just be butting your head against a brick wall. Be content with a little.
4) See a Financial Coach or financial advisor, to see if you two can analyse why you keep losing everything. It may be a pattern.
5) Take one or two retreats each year.

Or...
See if you can work just 9 months of the year, and spend the other three months at a retreat center or monastery.

Do one thing, then the other thing, but you can't ride two horses at once.

[Mkoll]

May I ask how you go from making that much money to being broke and in debt? What are you buying that puts you into debt? I think this may be playing a role in your turbulence. If you build up some financial stability, I think this would go a long way to evening things out.

The Buddha actually taught laypeople to manage their money well, for example AN 8.54 which I've copied below. It makes sense to me: if we can't manage something as gross as money, how can we expect to gain mastery over the subtle and hard-to-control mind?

I have heard that on one occasion the Blessed One was dwelling among the Koliyans. Now the Koliyans have a town named Kakkarapatta. There Dighajanu[1] the Koliyan went to the Blessed One and, on arrival, having bowed down to the Blessed One, sat to one side. As he was sitting there he said to the Blessed One, "We are lay people enjoying sensuality; living crowded with spouses & children; using Kasi fabrics & sandalwood; wearing garlands, scents, & creams; handling gold & silver. May the Blessed One teach the Dhamma for those like us, for our happiness & well-being in this life, for our happiness & well-being in lives to come."

[The Blessed One said:] "There are these four qualities, TigerPaw, that lead to a lay person's happiness and well-being in this life. Which four? Being consummate in initiative, being consummate in vigilance, admirable friendship, and maintaining one's livelihood in tune.

"And what does it mean to be consummate in initiative? There is the case where a lay person, by whatever occupation he makes his living — whether by farming or trading or cattle tending or archery or as a king's man or by any other craft — is clever and untiring at it, endowed with discrimination in its techniques, enough to arrange and carry it out. This is called being consummate in initiative.

"And what does it mean to be consummate in vigilance? There is the case when a lay person has righteous wealth — righteously gained, coming from his initiative, his striving, his making an effort, gathered by the strength of his arm, earned by his sweat — he manages to protect it through vigilance [with the thought], 'How shall neither kings nor thieves make off with this property of mine, nor fire burn it, nor water sweep it away, nor hateful heirs make off with it?' This is called being consummate in vigilance.

"And what is meant by admirable friendship? There is the case where a lay person, in whatever town or village he may dwell, spends time with householders or householders' sons, young or old, who are advanced in virtue. He talks with them, engages them in discussions. He emulates consummate conviction in those who are consummate in conviction, consummate virtue in those who are consummate in virtue, consummate generosity in those who are consummate in generosity, and consummate discernment in those who are consummate in discernment. This is called admirable friendship.

"And what does it mean to maintain one's livelihood in tune? There is the case where a lay person, knowing the income and outflow of his wealth, maintains a livelihood in tune, neither a spendthrift nor a penny-pincher, [thinking], 'Thus will my income exceed my outflow, and my outflow will not exceed my income.' Just as when a weigher or his apprentice, when holding the scales, knows, 'It has tipped down so much or has tipped up so much,' in the same way, the lay person, knowing the income and outflow of his wealth, maintains a livelihood in tune, neither a spendthrift nor a penny-pincher, [thinking], 'Thus will my income exceed my outflow, and my outflow will not exceed my income.' If a lay person has a small income but maintains a grand livelihood, it will be rumored of him, 'This clansman devours his wealth like a fruit-tree eater.'[2] If a lay person has a large income but maintains a miserable livelihood, it will be rumored of him, 'This clansman will die of starvation.' But when a lay person, knowing the income and outflow of his wealth, maintains a livelihood in tune, neither a spendthrift nor a penny-pincher, [thinking], 'Thus will my income exceed my outflow, and my outflow will not exceed my income,' this is called maintaining one's livelihood in tune.

"These are the four drains on one's store of wealth: debauchery in sex; debauchery in drink; debauchery in gambling; and evil friendship, evil companionship, evil camaraderie. Just as if there were a great reservoir with four inlets and four drains, and a man were to close the inlets and open the drains, and the sky were not to pour down proper showers, the depletion of that great reservoir could be expected, not its increase. In the same way, these are the four drains on one's store of wealth: debauchery in sex; debauchery in drink; debauchery in gambling; and evil friendship, evil companionship, evil camaraderie.

These are the four inlets to one's store of wealth: no debauchery in sex; no debauchery in drink; no debauchery in gambling; and admirable friendship, admirable companionship, admirable camaraderie. Just as if there were a great reservoir with four inlets and four drains, and a man were to open the inlets and close the drains, and the sky were to pour down proper showers, the increase of that great reservoir could be expected, not its depletion. In the same way, these are the four inlets to one's store of wealth: no debauchery in sex; no debauchery in drink; no debauchery in gambling; and admirable friendship, admirable companionship, admirable camaraderie.

"These, TigerPaw, are the four qualities that lead to a lay person's happiness and well-being in this life.

"There are these four qualities that lead to a lay person's happiness and well-being in lives to come. Which four? Being consummate in conviction, being consummate in virtue, being consummate in generosity, being consummate in discernment.

"And what does it mean to be consummate in conviction? There is the case where a disciple of the noble ones has conviction, is convinced of the Tathagata's Awakening: 'Indeed, the Blessed One is worthy and rightly self-awakened, consummate in knowledge and conduct, well-gone, an expert with regard to the world, unexcelled as a trainer for those people fit to be tamed, the Teacher of divine and human beings, awakened, blessed.' This is called being consummate in conviction.

"And what does it mean to be consummate in virtue? There is the case where a disciple of the noble ones abstains from taking life, abstains from stealing, abstains from illicit sexual conduct, abstains from lying, abstains from taking intoxicants that cause heedlessness. This is called being consummate in virtue.

"And what does it mean to be consummate in generosity? There is the case of a disciple of the noble ones, his awareness cleansed of the stain of miserliness, living at home, freely generous, openhanded, delighting in being magnanimous, responsive to requests, delighting in the distribution of alms. This is called being consummate in generosity.

"And what does it mean to be consummate in discernment? There is the case where a disciple of the noble ones is discerning, endowed with discernment of arising and passing away — noble, penetrating, leading to the right ending of stress. This is called being consummate in discernment.

"These, TigerPaw, are the four qualities that lead to a lay person's happiness and well-being in lives to come."


Heedful at administering
or working at one's occupation,
maintaining one's life in tune,
one protects one's store of wealth.
A person of conviction,
consummate in virtue,
magnanimous, free of selfishness,
constantly clears the path
to security in the lives to come.
Thus for one who seeks the household life,
these eight qualities, leading to welfare & happiness
both in this life & in lives to come,
have been declared by the one
whose name
is truth.
And this is how, for householders,
generosity & merit increase.

Notes
1.
= "LongShin".
2.
Commentary: one who shakes more fruit off a tree than he can possibly eat.

[Manopubbangama]

Hi Sean, how are you?

I would like to respond to your post in two ways, one with posting the sutta that is perhaps most relevant to the upasaka-householder, and highlight the part of financial management in response to your concern about debt:

With wealth acquired this way, a layman fit for household life, in portions four divides his wealth: thus will he friendship win. One portion for his wants he uses,[7] two portions on his business spends, the fourth for times of need he keeps.

https://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitak ... .nara.html

So the ideal here is that we keep 25% of our acquired wealth for personal savings.

The reason why this is difficult of course, is because we all have 'addictive personalities' and desire to use the money for things that are really dukha disguised as sukha.

Sean, I don't speak from a lofty position: I know exactly the kinds of suffering and temptations that tempt someone living the householder life.

Somehow I managed to get debt under control.

I also got into the FIRE movement as well for financial independence.

I don't know about you, but I think one way that I suffered in the past was trying to replace jhana as some kind of a drug for my other interests instead of focusing on the tilakhana (three marks of existence) in order to curb my cravings.

Jhana is great and I certainly wish I could attain it at will, but I can't, at least not now, that being said, I can still focus on the breath, on noting my own mind and body, and on the 4 noble truths.

Please feel free to pm me anytime if you want to discuss.

[budo]

Jhanas require minimalism and seclusion. You will never attain jhanas if you have attachments to wealth or social life or such material or worldly things. People who attain jhanas tend to live in quiet secluded areas. They do not watch TV nor listen to music, and at best the only entertainment they partake in is reading texts.

If you try to attain jhanas before living a simple life you are simply pulling the cart before the horse. Once you realize how much you have to give up to attain jhanas, and once you attain jhanas, you will never want to disturb that peace again. You will not have a social life, you will be bothered by sound and talking, and many things that impinge on the senses.

Jhanas are an ascetic's reward and form of dopamine. Once you consistently attain jhanas then the supernormal powers will follow afterwards. But one cannot be both worldly and a jhana practitioner, you have to pick one. Attaining jhana is very much based on momentum and seclusion, if you disrupt the seclusion with music you will notice your mind will require another week of seclusion to calm down again.

Cheers.

[Spaciousness]

HI my first post here.

My personal experience:
I think Jhana can be attained with householder life. Drop the "want" of getting Jhanas. Jhanas come naturally. Maybe on your next mediation, relax more and drop the desire to get to Jhana. Try and relax, let go of everything. When getting to a very relaxed state, with very little thoughts, let go even the object of meditation, and rest your attention on the pleasant feeling of relaxing. Soon, the pleasant feeling gets more intense, just rest attention on to the pleasant feeling. You may see some lights (you know those lights when you press your hand against your eyeball), congratulations, you are at the border of first jhana. Ignore those lights and keep relaxing, and all of sudden you may experience an intense feeling of joy. If this is your first time in Jhana, it can be very intense, so intense that you will lose your body (unable to feel your body) and control your muscle. From this point onwards, you may have a feeling of out of control lol. don't try to control anything cause you will pop right out of jhana. Let go... just let go. Let it be out of control.

You will pop right out of jhana pretty quick if this is your 1st time (like 30sec to 1min). If it's not too intense you may stay longer 5m-10m.

By the way, care to share why you want to get into jhana? was it for unworldly power or are you trying to see past life?
There are alot of ways to get to jhana, above is just my personal experience. I am sure alot of members here can offer other ways.

[Mr.SeanStewart]

Thanks so much every one for your lovely shares.

1. I lost the income because of many reasons - one is that the business was formed on certain black hat methods which didn't resonate to me to begin with and so I always felt sketchy about it and it was on topics of sexuality and fantasies (romance novels) and i thought it was creating more garbage in the world which didnt feel good so I wanted to change it and so I made my then girlfriend who was young my manager etc. there were many other reasons - i had much other debt which was haunting me, I had fears of any kinds and made very irrational decisions because i felt so arrogant and overconfident.

2. I realize i have very bad money management habits and this has been a new lesson which I hope I have learned - i am now aware of how to use a budget system and to create conditions that i don't even see the money and force myself to live within certain limits.

3. Why i want jhana - to me after my readings, research and intuitive study of the life Buddha, and experiencing with high concentration, I think jhana is something anyone attain and I think if i only practice seriously for 20-30 days without stopping it will be attained as in my 10 day retreats i get to really deep places but right when i gain momentum the 10th day the talking starts and retreat is over.

My why - I want to use it as a tool to investigate the 3 doorways to make the most of this incarnation for myself and for the highest good of others if i can remember past lives and experience a joy which reduces the pulls of the 5 hindrances that will also be great.


BTW in response to who was saying you have to live like a monk, that's actually how i normally live, coming after my last 30 days retreat which was 20 days of service and simple living and 10 days of Goenka retreats, I find it so hard to be back to the normal life - which is one of the first times in my life I ever felt this way. IN the past retreats I was so excited to get back to the normal world but this time, I hesitated to leave the center, and after leaving I feel like I want to do nothing but meditate and read scriptures and gain more wisdom.

I know there is such a thing as spiritual bypassing but I also feel the normal day to day world existence is a trap. Just like before so easy to get addicted to making money and overworking, then buying stuff I don't need, impressing people i don't know and the taxes and the desire for traveling starts, then a new girlfriend, and the whole samsara starts to pull me back again... Now I have nothing and it's so much easier to meditate.

hope this makes sense and thank you for your contribution and responses

[Mr.SeanStewart]

HI my first post here.

My personal experience:
I think Jhana can be attained with householder life. Drop the "want" of getting Jhanas. Jhanas come naturally. Maybe on your next mediation, relax more and drop the desire to get to Jhana. Try and relax, let go of everything. When getting to a very relaxed state, with very little thoughts, let go even the object of meditation, and rest your attention on the pleasant feeling of relaxing. Soon, the pleasant feeling gets more intense, just rest attention on to the pleasant feeling. You may see some lights (you know those lights when you press your hand against your eyeball), congratulations, you are at the border of first jhana. Ignore those lights and keep relaxing, and all of sudden you may experience an intense feeling of joy. If this is your first time in Jhana, it can be very intense, so intense that you will lose your body (unable to feel your body) and control your muscle. From this point onwards, you may have a feeling of out of control lol. don't try to control anything cause you will pop right out of jhana. Let go... just let go. Let it be out of control.

You will pop right out of jhana pretty quick if this is your 1st time (like 30sec to 1min). If it's not too intense you may stay longer 5m-10m.

By the way, care to share why you want to get into jhana? was it for unworldly power or are you trying to see past life?
There are alot of ways to get to jhana, above is just my personal experience. I am sure alot of members here can offer other ways.

Thank you - do you use the breath as your object of meditation? how many hours per day do you think you need to experience this? and do you do it in one sitting or many? Love to know more detail from your experience, like who was your teacher, what inspired you and what your practice looks like

[Spaciousness]

HI my first post here.

My personal experience:
I think Jhana can be attained with householder life. Drop the "want" of getting Jhanas. Jhanas come naturally. Maybe on your next mediation, relax more and drop the desire to get to Jhana. Try and relax, let go of everything. When getting to a very relaxed state, with very little thoughts, let go even the object of meditation, and rest your attention on the pleasant feeling of relaxing. Soon, the pleasant feeling gets more intense, just rest attention on to the pleasant feeling. You may see some lights (you know those lights when you press your hand against your eyeball), congratulations, you are at the border of first jhana. Ignore those lights and keep relaxing, and all of sudden you may experience an intense feeling of joy. If this is your first time in Jhana, it can be very intense, so intense that you will lose your body (unable to feel your body) and control your muscle. From this point onwards, you may have a feeling of out of control lol. don't try to control anything cause you will pop right out of jhana. Let go... just let go. Let it be out of control.

You will pop right out of jhana pretty quick if this is your 1st time (like 30sec to 1min). If it's not too intense you may stay longer 5m-10m.

By the way, care to share why you want to get into jhana? was it for unworldly power or are you trying to see past life?
There are alot of ways to get to jhana, above is just my personal experience. I am sure alot of members here can offer other ways.

Thank you - do you use the breath as your object of meditation? how many hours per day do you think you need to experience this? and do you do it in one sitting or many? Love to know more detail from your experience, like who was your teacher, what inspired you and what your practice looks like

Yes, I use the breath as the object of meditation. I do this daily morning and before bedtime. Sometimes I do skip for a while, to handle householder life, but always get back when I have a chance. I do min 45mins each session. I may slack off and do 30mins. I see the former sitting/sleeping meditation as a totally relaxed session. No pressure, no timing (subconscious mind knows exactly when 45mins is up lol). Just total relaxation. Many years ago, I start off with the intention of getting into Jhana but it never worked. I fell into a trap, I use willpower to sit and have a strong intent to reach jhana by concentration. That got me stuck for a long long time. Because deep down, I never really like to sit, I sit because I want the jhanas. The wanting is the biggest hindrance. But the teachers ask to sit so you can reach jhana.. LOL.

Instead, I gave up everything. I simply sit with no desire for anything, no jhana, no insight, nothing, no aim. Just relax. There are some thoughts running in the background, but who cares about them, I tell myself I am too tired to even think (like totally drain out), just relax. In the daytime, I did the same thing while on the job. Always have time to relax. Let the mind rest into the smoothing breathe. After a while, I feel lighter and these thoughts start to fade off slowly (it takes time). I continue to rest longer and longer from 3mins rest to 5.. 10... 15.. I did it because it feels good to relax. I started to look forward to dreadful events like waiting for 1 hrs at DMV, waiting for people, standing in line at a supermarket. unknowingly I form a habit of going into my breath while waiting. It feels good, at least better than waiting.

After months of doing this, I naturally go into my breath when wife start scolding accusing etc. I find it bearable to go into breath than react to the complains (as I know, I always lose even if I win the argument, I still loose ultimately, as I made them upset). The upset create new karma and I still have to pay back LOL, so might as well drop everything and go with the scolding (burn off the karma) hahaha. I suddenly realize that is actually a mini insight (no argue) in a focus mind (relax breathing) to deal with the daily situation. I started to practice this with wife without her knowledge and everytime a temper fly, I relax into breathing. The more I practice, the less I react, to the point where my anger starts to slowly fade away. it becomes neutral. Of course, I am not happy but at least I am peaceful. I also quit drinking and smoking as the relaxation into my breath feels better than the drinking. There are times, that I feel very joyful just sitting on the chair and goosebump would start happening. There is no need to drink to reach to these states. I already have it and can reproduce in 5mins of sitting on the chair.

I started sitting very still sometimes and I like to pretend my body like a corpse. Total relaxation with no movement. very still... The more still, the higher the intensity of the joy and tingling sensation all over the body. I did not know what is that before, but I came to know that these are pre-jhana condition. I am building up the joy.

The jhanas come naturally out of the blue, I did not ask for it, It just happens, and then happen very naturally more and more often. I relaxed onto the breath with very little thoughts, then the tingling sensation I felt on my hand, the tingly sensation grew and grew and then pop. The jhanas came, intense as always, naturally, my attention will be on the intensity, I sometimes find it too strong so I switch down to the joy that is happening in the background, and oopps slip into 2nd jhanas and then progress from there.

The daytime relaxation and the not wanting anything is what I think is the key to reaching jhana. I am not with any teacher but I love reading Buddhist magazine, mindfulness etc and listen to audiobooks daily on my long commute to work. So please do take my post with a grain of salt.

There are alot more to discover, as I also started waking up in my dreams LOL. I guess the habit of awareness of the breath did happen when I am dreaming and I suddenly wake up.., Well not physically but realize that I am in a dream without waking up. It was a scary moment at first LOL. But now, I love to be able to wake up even in my dreams. A new dimension unfold.

cheers!

[Mr.SeanStewart]

HI my first post here.

My personal experience:
I think Jhana can be attained with householder life. Drop the "want" of getting Jhanas. Jhanas come naturally. Maybe on your next mediation, relax more and drop the desire to get to Jhana. Try and relax, let go of everything. When getting to a very relaxed state, with very little thoughts, let go even the object of meditation, and rest your attention on the pleasant feeling of relaxing. Soon, the pleasant feeling gets more intense, just rest attention on to the pleasant feeling. You may see some lights (you know those lights when you press your hand against your eyeball), congratulations, you are at the border of first jhana. Ignore those lights and keep relaxing, and all of sudden you may experience an intense feeling of joy. If this is your first time in Jhana, it can be very intense, so intense that you will lose your body (unable to feel your body) and control your muscle. From this point onwards, you may have a feeling of out of control lol. don't try to control anything cause you will pop right out of jhana. Let go... just let go. Let it be out of control.

You will pop right out of jhana pretty quick if this is your 1st time (like 30sec to 1min). If it's not too intense you may stay longer 5m-10m.

By the way, care to share why you want to get into jhana? was it for unworldly power or are you trying to see past life?
There are alot of ways to get to jhana, above is just my personal experience. I am sure alot of members here can offer other ways.

Thank you - do you use the breath as your object of meditation? how many hours per day do you think you need to experience this? and do you do it in one sitting or many? Love to know more detail from your experience, like who was your teacher, what inspired you and what your practice looks like

Yes, I use the breath as the object of meditation. I do this daily morning and before bedtime. Sometimes I do skip for a while, to handle householder life, but always get back when I have a chance. I do min 45mins each session. I may slack off and do 30mins. I see the former sitting/sleeping meditation as a totally relaxed session. No pressure, no timing (subconscious mind knows exactly when 45mins is up lol). Just total relaxation. Many years ago, I start off with the intention of getting into Jhana but it never worked. I fell into a trap, I use willpower to sit and have a strong intent to reach jhana by concentration. That got me stuck for a long long time. Because deep down, I never really like to sit, I sit because I want the jhanas. The wanting is the biggest hindrance. But the teachers ask to sit so you can reach jhana.. LOL.

Instead, I gave up everything. I simply sit with no desire for anything, no jhana, no insight, nothing, no aim. Just relax. There are some thoughts running in the background, but who cares about them, I tell myself I am too tired to even think (like totally drain out), just relax. In the daytime, I did the same thing while on the job. Always have time to relax. Let the mind rest into the smoothing breathe. After a while, I feel lighter and these thoughts start to fade off slowly (it takes time). I continue to rest longer and longer from 3mins rest to 5.. 10... 15.. I did it because it feels good to relax. I started to look forward to dreadful events like waiting for 1 hrs at DMV, waiting for people, standing in line at a supermarket. unknowingly I form a habit of going into my breath while waiting. It feels good, at least better than waiting.

After months of doing this, I naturally go into my breath when wife start scolding accusing etc. I find it bearable to go into breath than react to the complains (as I know, I always lose even if I win the argument, I still loose ultimately, as I made them upset). The upset create new karma and I still have to pay back LOL, so might as well drop everything and go with the scolding (burn off the karma) hahaha. I suddenly realize that is actually a mini insight (no argue) in a focus mind (relax breathing) to deal with the daily situation. I started to practice this with wife without her knowledge and everytime a temper fly, I relax into breathing. The more I practice, the less I react, to the point where my anger starts to slowly fade away. it becomes neutral. Of course, I am not happy but at least I am peaceful. I also quit drinking and smoking as the relaxation into my breath feels better than the drinking. There are times, that I feel very joyful just sitting on the chair and goosebump would start happening. There is no need to drink to reach to these states. I already have it and can reproduce in 5mins of sitting on the chair.

I started sitting very still sometimes and I like to pretend my body like a corpse. Total relaxation with no movement. very still... The more still, the higher the intensity of the joy and tingling sensation all over the body. I did not know what is that before, but I came to know that these are pre-jhana condition. I am building up the joy.

The jhanas come naturally out of the blue, I did not ask for it, It just happens, and then happen very naturally more and more often. I relaxed onto the breath with very little thoughts, then the tingling sensation I felt on my hand, the tingly sensation grew and grew and then pop. The jhanas came, intense as always, naturally, my attention will be on the intensity, I sometimes find it too strong so I switch down to the joy that is happening in the background, and oopps slip into 2nd jhanas and then progress from there.

The daytime relaxation and the not wanting anything is what I think is the key to reaching jhana. I am not with any teacher but I love reading Buddhist magazine, mindfulness etc and listen to audiobooks daily on my long commute to work. So please do take my post with a grain of salt.

There are alot more to discover, as I also started waking up in my dreams LOL. I guess the habit of awareness of the breath did happen when I am dreaming and I suddenly wake up.., Well not physically but realize that I am in a dream without waking up. It was a scary moment at first LOL. But now, I love to be able to wake up even in my dreams. A new dimension unfold.

cheers!

Thank you for your share it makes sense - and it is very inspiring - based on my experience and progress I intuitively know the jhana state is within reach for me it is just a matter of the right conditions and practice and letting go of the craving for it.

I also agree about your advice about not getting engaged in arguments and going to the breath - that is so much easier said than done and it takes tremendous self-awareness.

I am meditating 2-3 hrs and yet at times when my dad says things i don't like or raises his voice - i forget all about the breath lol