When I was 4/5 years old I had my life visons

A discussion on all aspects of Theravāda Buddhism
Strive4Karuna
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When I was 4/5 years old I had my life visons

Post by Strive4Karuna » Mon Mar 13, 2017 12:41 am

When I was 4/5 years old I had 2 seperate daydream visions while I was wide awake.

1) I saw myself as a Buddhist monk ( I can tell you I had no idea what Buddhism was, what a Buddhist monk was
but this vision was terrifying to me)

2) Second vision i saw was what looked like an adult version of myself but just the shadow, and this person was completely hazed out, and this terrified me as well, because I do not know the circumstances at that point that triggered that vision but I knew even as a child it was something bad and drug related, at this point I was a only a small child and knew nothing

My interpretation of these visions 19 years later is, I will either become a monk, or fall to drugs. The thing is, both these options scare me. I have gone through episodes of what people would call "depression" since I was old enough to think. I always knew something was missing and I always felt lost, different, sometimes very lonely.

Episodes of marijuana throughout my life. My mind is weaker then it once was. My memory is bad. I'm slipping
I'm becoming a horrible human being. Im hating on everybody right now and it's all coming back to me. I'm having horrible thoughts of suicide, before I never thought I would ever be able to take another person's life and now I realize that this is possible. I'm becoming horrible
My family hates me.

You know. This is not the life I want for myself. But it's almost like I feel sometimes the only other option I have in this life is to become a monk and although I love the Buddha and respect monks greatly, that lifestyles scares me. I have no self-discipline. I was the kid always getting in trouble, suspended, doing what he wasn't suppose to do. Doing what he wanted to do, even as an adult I am like that. I mean seriously undisciplined. When I was a child I had 2 parents who worked 70 hours a week for the 4-5 years of my life, and 60 the rest of the way since then. First years of my life I saw them almost never, now they take 1 day off a week for the past 20 or so years. I did basiclly whatever I wanted as a child. If I didn't want to do homework I wouldn't do it, if I didn't want to go to school I wouldn't do it. Now tell me how I can become a monk when I am an adult, still like this, still don't show up for work. And ultimately scared more then anything to give up my life for something I think is so admirable, amazing yet terribly difficult and scary



Seriously I am losing it right now. Weed makes me crazy, weak minded, bad everything ugly. I'm tired. Yesterday was the first day I wasn't high for like 2 months. I'm sober now but no the discontent is gonna set in and it's going to feel like WEED vs MONK again. Like Marijuana seriously desensitizes me. It makes me feel like less scared to hurt myself and less scared to hurt others. These feelings that would arise that would make me feel something towards other people becomes less. The emotions, the mind is like suppressed and subdued in ways from the intoxicants where it feels like your mind is being pushed down sometimes and I can't reach those natural "highs" and levels of happiness I use to be able to feel when I was sober

I'm just posted this cause I'm not in a good place right now and I need to get this off my chest. Honesty, I just need you guys to tell me what to do. I need more then "be a monk", I know this is what I need to do. That type of advice might not be what I need right now. Maybe some advice on how I can get myself prepared, work up the character overtime or something I don't know.


To tell you the truth all us Buddhist have completely unconventional lives filled with so much confusion and feeling lost I would think, especially before the Buddha entered our lives.
Last edited by Strive4Karuna on Mon Mar 13, 2017 12:54 am, edited 2 times in total.

SarathW
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Re: When I was 4/5 years old I had my life visons

Post by SarathW » Mon Mar 13, 2017 12:52 am

To tell you the truth all us Buddhist have completely unconventional lives filled with so much confusion and feeling lost I would think.
I would say all human instead of all Buddhist.
Buddha said all human are insane or some word to that effect.
“As the lamp consumes oil, the path realises Nibbana”

JohnK
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Re: When I was 4/5 years old I had my life visons

Post by JohnK » Mon Mar 13, 2017 1:02 am

I'm not qualified to give advice on monk prep, but I am comfortable telling you (especially given your post) to stop with the "WEED."
You need clarity not confusion. First things, first. You're smart enough to know this.
Those who grasp at perceptions & views wander the world creating friction. [Sn4:9,v.847]

rajitha7
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Re: When I was 4/5 years old I had my life visons

Post by rajitha7 » Mon Mar 13, 2017 1:06 am

I'm just posted this cause I'm not in a good place right now and I need to get this off my chest.
Well, do you know this guy?



I read your gist. You are fortunate In comparison. So get your act togeather, calm down and realise this is how things are.
Unsurpassed is the Lord’s way of teaching the Dhamma concerning one’s proper moral conduct. One should be honest and faithful, without deception, chatter, hinting or belittling, not always ready to add gain to gain, but with the sense-doors guarded, moderate in food, a promoter of peace, observant, active and strenuous in effort, a meditator, mindful, with proper conversation, steady-going, resolute and sensible, not hankering after sense pleasures, but mindful and prudent. This is the unsurpassed teaching concerning a person’s proper ethical conduct. - Sampasādanīya, Dīgha Nikāya 28

chownah
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Re: When I was 4/5 years old I had my life visons

Post by chownah » Mon Mar 13, 2017 1:59 am

Have you seen a mental health specialist? You seem to be having uncontrollable impulses which is something which sometimes a mental health specialist can help with.
chownah

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Sprouticus
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Re: When I was 4/5 years old I had my life visons

Post by Sprouticus » Mon Mar 13, 2017 3:23 am

:anjali:

I strongly second Chownah's advice to seek the help of a counselor or other mental health practitioner.

:heart:
Namo buddhaya

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Virg02
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Re: When I was 4/5 years old I had my life visons

Post by Virg02 » Mon Mar 13, 2017 3:28 am

I think it is important that I ask how many Suttas have you read? The more you study, there more you will incline towards practice.

As far as the monks life goes, it is a great idea - but you must be sure that you can follow the rules or else disrobe before you break them. If you don't do that, it could be dangerous.

Virg02

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JeffR
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Re: When I was 4/5 years old I had my life visons

Post by JeffR » Mon Mar 13, 2017 5:00 am

With your childhood background, I can understand how your present state was conditioned; but that doesn't matter. What matters is here and now.

My recommendation is for you to find a good Buddhist/meditation teacher/guide. Preferably a Theraveda Buddhist monastic. Practice meditation frequently with their guidance. What I found when I started practicing meditation daily with the guidance of a monk, is that I had no desire for having a drink in the evening anymore; instead of fogging my mind, I found that clarity of mind was what I really needed to deal with life's difficulties.

Where do you live? Are there capable monastic teachers available to you?

Peace,
Jeff
Therein what are 'six (types of) disrespect'? One dwells without respect, without deference for the Teacher; one dwells without respect, without deference for the Teaching; one dwells without respect, without deference for the Order; one dwells without respect, without deference for the precepts; one dwells without respect, without deference for heedfulness; one dwells without respect, without deference for hospitality. These are six (types of) disrespect.
:Vibh 945

Strive4Karuna
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Re: When I was 4/5 years old I had my life visons

Post by Strive4Karuna » Mon Mar 13, 2017 2:34 pm

Thank you for the replies. All of benefit.

Yes I have seen a few mental specialist before.

That Nick gentleman is incredible...

I live in the suburbs a few minutes from Toronto, Canada and I believe that there are many wise teachers in my area but if anybody knows someone worth seeing, please advise.

I do not know how many sutras I have read in my life. Maybe 50 or so beginning to end, majority from the Majjhima Nikaya.

I will try to do what I can to avoid unwholesome & detrimental acts.

Thank you for your compassionate wisdom and kind words.

R1111 = rightviewftw
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Re: When I was 4/5 years old I had my life visons

Post by R1111 = rightviewftw » Mon Mar 13, 2017 3:18 pm

Weed is a sneaky Dhamma, it may seem harmless in a way that one retains ability to be mindful but upon closer examination one will find the faculty severely impaired, if one was to try to meditate it would be very confusing and dangerous imho.
The faculty of wisdom is also apparently impaired if one indulges in the craving overcome by delusion and it should be clear that if one smokes weed one has abandoned the goal and takes a unnecessary risk of heedless death and hurting others. With impaired mindfulness everything is impaired really, energy, wisdom, concentration etc. One should contemplate the risk of being born anew and how heedlessness can cause death of oneself and others.

With smoking weed lifestyle ones bad tendencies increase and it becomes a habit, breaking habits is not something we are naturally thrilled about. If someone was to change the location of your trashcan ie, it would take a while for you to retrain yourself and it would be annoying to keep seeking out the old location habitually. How much more annoying is it to retrain a daily smoking habit..

When one smokes weed or goes to a bar or w/e. That opens alot of doors for your personal values to be compromised. IE if you keep 1st precept but allow for impaired mindfulness you absolutely will increase the expected moments of not being mindful and therefore kill more without intent in theory. However if killing is without intent the blame is on the smoking.. So this is just one example of how one becomes a terrible person by seeking sensuality.
Same goes for all precepts and it has to do with people one seeks out and having been compromised one is called one who is compromised therefore one's bad qualities increase and good qualities decrease.

However it is what it is, its sensual pleasure and those impairments are the cost, its important to recognize the pleasure from sensuality, the concentration derived from pleasure and weight it against the drawbacks of sensuality objectively without guilt. This will help evaluating the state objectively and train wisdom.

With a comperhensive practice one just stops going for it at certain point because discernment faculty is supported by concentration and knowledge of sensuality as being of a lesser quality as far as states go.
Last edited by R1111 = rightviewftw on Mon Mar 13, 2017 3:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.

justindesilva
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Re: When I was 4/5 years old I had my life visons

Post by justindesilva » Mon Mar 13, 2017 3:23 pm

Sprouticus wrote::anjali:

I strongly second Chownah's advice to seek the help of a counselor or other mental health practitioner.

:heart:
May I also suggest that you may try yoga to keep off your mental distresses. Pranayama is practised both by Hindus and buddhists . But there are other simple asanas that will help you such as padahastaasana ,matsyasana surya vandana , danurasana , shirsasana to name a few.
You may find a yoga teacher to help .
With mettha.

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Virg02
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Re: When I was 4/5 years old I had my life visons

Post by Virg02 » Mon Mar 13, 2017 11:41 pm

Strive4Karuna wrote: I live in the suburbs a few minutes from Toronto, Canada and I believe that there are many wise teachers in my area but if anybody knows someone worth seeing, please advise.
Absolutely, you should try to visit Tisarana Monastery in Perth, Ontario. During spring and summer the monks will be out of retreat.

Virg02

Edit: Here I am in 2013 visiting (in the blue shirt):

https://www.flickr.com/photos/98228581@ ... 385720024/

dharmacorps
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Re: When I was 4/5 years old I had my life visons

Post by dharmacorps » Tue Mar 14, 2017 12:00 am

Please do see a mental health specialist and stop using marijuana or other substances. Hold the 5 precepts and don't worry about your childhood visions. They are what they are and may or may not even mean anything. I am in AA, sober 3 years now. Everything gets better when you stay sober. You just need patience.

SarathW
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Re: When I was 4/5 years old I had my life visons

Post by SarathW » Tue Mar 14, 2017 12:02 am

Strive4Karuna wrote:Thank you for the replies. All of benefit.

Yes I have seen a few mental specialist before.

That Nick gentleman is incredible...

I live in the suburbs a few minutes from Toronto, Canada and I believe that there are many wise teachers in my area but if anybody knows someone worth seeing, please advise.

I do not know how many sutras I have read in my life. Maybe 50 or so beginning to end, majority from the Majjhima Nikaya.

I will try to do what I can to avoid unwholesome & detrimental acts.

Thank you for your compassionate wisdom and kind words.
Ajhan Punnadhammo is a wonderful teacher if you can visit him.


http://www.arrowriver.ca/contact.html
“As the lamp consumes oil, the path realises Nibbana”

Digity
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Re: When I was 4/5 years old I had my life visons

Post by Digity » Tue Mar 14, 2017 12:58 am

My advice is to take baby steps. First, I'd work on stopping the weed and work towards developing the 5 precepts. Focus your attention on cultivating sila. Just pick some small goals and work on them. It could be as simple as speaking with a bit more kindness. You have to start somewhere. A lot of times people want to make grand gestures and make big sweeping changes. However, I find in my practice it's a lot of little things done over time that accumulate and lead to improvement.

You need to accept where you're at at the moment and just focus on the road ahead. If you get too bogged down with your current mental state it will hold you back. Over time if you develop those small steps you'll start to feel a little bit better about yourself. As you develop more you'll feel a tiny bit more better. Over time this will improve things. However, you need to have some faith too that focusing on developing the good will be what's best in the end. Other than that, I'd focus on just improving and seek out any sort of counsel you think will help.

Lastly, have some compassion towards yourself. You're a being bound in samsara like so many others. We're all in the same boat. We're all struggling. Don't be too hard on yourself. :hug:

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