Difficult to be nice. What should I do?

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Difficult to be nice. What should I do?

Post by Strive4Karuna » Fri Jan 04, 2013 10:45 pm

Whenever I try to be kind I get taken advantage of and treated worst then when I don't go out of my way to be nice. I try to be kind and compassionate because it makes me feel happy but when people start taking advantage of my kindness it just gets me fed up and makes me feel terrible. It's been an on going cycle, I try to be kind and compassionate, I feel happy inside because of it, people come a long, start treating me terribly, walk all over me and I get angry and drop the whole kind and compassionate attitude. I think the main reason people treat me so horribly is because I lack confidence and self esteem. A person who is kind but has no confidence = a doormat for other people to walk all over. On top of this, I have too much pride. I know pride is a bad thing so of late I've been trying to swallow my pride and continue to be kind however people treat me, but it gets real difficult when people are nasty even though I'm trying to be nice and sometimes i feel like I'm going to explode and want to go off on them. When this happens, my seeds of loving kindness and compassion disappear and i stop caring to be kind. For me, loving kindness and compassion is a double edge sword. It can bring me so much warmth and peace but at the same time it also brings me so much suffering. What should I do? Thanks.

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Re: Difficult to be nice. What should I do?

Post by cbonanno » Sat Jan 05, 2013 11:59 am

Maybe you are not hanging out with enough Buddhists? :)

It sounds like you are trying to see, and get certain results from your kamma. You can't do that, only a Buddha can do that.

You might be helped by reading more about kamma. http://www.accesstoinsight.org/lib/auth ... fruit.html

And maybe ask yourself why do you want people to be nice to you?

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Re: Difficult to be nice. What should I do?

Post by Khalil Bodhi » Sat Jan 05, 2013 1:15 pm

One thing to remember is that you can assert yourself respectfully without abandonding metta or karuna for yourself or anyone else. Also, who are these people who are so quick to take advantage of you? If you can, remove yourself from the situation. If not, take an interest in how you can maintain your resolve only to act on intentions based on metta and karuna. May you find true happiness!
To avoid all evil, to cultivate good, and to cleanse one's mind — this is the teaching of the Buddhas.
-Dhp. 183

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Re: Difficult to be nice. What should I do?

Post by befriend » Sat Jan 05, 2013 1:57 pm

im very sorry this is happening to you, dont worry things will change. you have strong sila if your able to be patient with negative people that should be where your confidence should come from. ok? confidence should come from following the precepts, meditating diligently, no need for pride but its ok to pat yourself on the back and say good job. metta, befriend
nothing can destroy a man who has lived a pure life

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Re: Difficult to be nice. What should I do?

Post by Digity » Sun Jan 06, 2013 3:48 am

Yes, you need to work on your confidence. If you don't have a strong sense of confidence and aren't able to assert yourself then certain people will treat you like a doormat. Being nice, although better than being mean, won't make these people "like" you. They just see an easy target. Anyway, the point is work on yourself and stop trying to be a people-pleaser. This idea that if you treat people nice they should be nice back is a fallacy. That's not how the world works...life isn't fair. However, a Buddhist shouldn't act "nice" to get something, we do it because it's the right thing to do. It helps weaken the defilements when we're not attached to its outcome. If you're being nice just to get something then it's just another attachment and not truly working at ridding the defilements. Anyway, you have work ahead of you, but don't despair...that's part of the journey. Work on improving your self-confidence. You need to learn to be comfortable with who you are. It takes time, but it's doable. I can say from my own experience.

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Re: Difficult to be nice. What should I do?

Post by tiltbillings » Sun Jan 06, 2013 7:34 am

Please stay on-topic.
>> Do you see a man wise [enlightened/ariya] in his own eyes? There is more hope for a fool than for him.<< -- Proverbs 26:12

This being is bound to samsara, kamma is his means for going beyond. -- SN I, 38.

“Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?” HPatDH p.723

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