Joke!!!

Casual discussion amongst spiritual friends.
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JeffR
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by JeffR » Tue Jun 07, 2016 6:01 am

A husband and wife have four sons. The oldest three are tall with red hair and light skin while the youngest son is short with black hair and dark eyes.

The father was on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me: Is our youngest son my child?"

The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."

With that, the husband passed away. The wife muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."
Therein what are 'six (types of) disrespect'? One dwells without respect, without deference for the Teacher; one dwells without respect, without deference for the Teaching; one dwells without respect, without deference for the Order; one dwells without respect, without deference for the precepts; one dwells without respect, without deference for heedfulness; one dwells without respect, without deference for hospitality. These are six (types of) disrespect.
:Vibh 945

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TonyConrad
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by TonyConrad » Thu Jun 09, 2016 4:25 am

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They .. will not listen when discourses that are words of the Tathagata ..are being recited. They will not lend ear, will not set their hearts on knowing them, will not regard these teachings as worth grasping or mastering. But they will listen when discourses that are literary works — the works of poets, elegant in sound, elegant in rhetoric, the work of outsiders, words of disciples — are recited. ..Thus from corrupt Dhamma comes corrupt discipline; from corrupt discipline, corrupt Dhamma.

This, monks, is the fourth future danger .. work to get rid of it.

http://www.accesstoinsight.org" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

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retrofuturist
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by retrofuturist » Tue Jun 14, 2016 8:58 am

Greetings,

I couldn't help but chuckle at this...
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Metta,
Paul. :)
"Do not force others, including children, by any means whatsoever, to adopt your views, whether by authority, threat, money, propaganda, or even education." - Ven. Thich Nhat Hanh

"The uprooting of identity is seen by the noble ones as pleasurable; but this contradicts what the whole world sees." (Snp 3.12)

"One discerns wrong view as wrong view, and right view as right view. This is one's right view." (MN 117)

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Kusala
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by Kusala » Wed Jun 22, 2016 6:43 am

Image
Image

"He, the Blessed One, is indeed the Noble Lord, the Perfectly Enlightened One;
He is impeccable in conduct and understanding, the Serene One, the Knower of the Worlds;
He trains perfectly those who wish to be trained; he is Teacher of gods and men; he is Awake and Holy. "

--------------------------------------------
"The Dhamma is well-expounded by the Blessed One,
Apparent here and now, timeless, encouraging investigation,
Leading to liberation, to be experienced individually by the wise. "

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robertk
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by robertk » Sun Jul 24, 2016 2:16 pm

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.



The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.



At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family Pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.



That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited For you to meet my parents, come on in!"



The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girl friend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no Idea you were this religious."



The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was THE pharmacist."

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robertk
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by robertk » Sun Jul 24, 2016 2:19 pm

-Doesn't expecting the unexpected mean that the unexpected is actually expected?

-Take my advice............ I'm not using it.

-I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.

-Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.

-Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

-I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it's been doing is gathering dust.

-Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution, along comes a more-talented fool.

-I'll bet you $4,567 you can't guess how much I owe my bookie.

-Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

-If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.

-A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

-Ever stop to think and forget to start again?

-My wife got 8 out 10 on her driver's test--the other two guys managed to jump out of her way.

-There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm still looking.

-Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

-Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

-He who laughs last thinks slowest.

-Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?

-Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.

-I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.

-Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

-The grass may be greener on the other side but at least you don't have to mow it.

-I like long walks, especially when they're taken by people who annoy me.

-I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn't find it.

-If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

-If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?

-Money is the root of all wealth.

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robertk
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by robertk » Wed Aug 03, 2016 11:03 am

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robertk
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by robertk » Wed Aug 03, 2016 11:23 am

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Dinsdale
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by Dinsdale » Sun Aug 07, 2016 4:02 pm

Mr. Rabbit went to the pub on his way home from work every evening, and always ordered two cheese toasties and a pint of bitter. One night the cheese was running low, so he agreed to have a cheese toasties and a ham toastie. But a little while after finishing the toasties he fell off his bar stool unconscious, much to the concern of the pub landlord. An ambulance was called but sadly the paramedics were unable to save Mr. Rabbit. The landlord asked what had caused Mr. Rabbits death, the paramedic said "Mixing his toasties"......

...myxomatosis :toilet:
Buddha save me from new-agers!

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Kim OHara
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by Kim OHara » Mon Aug 15, 2016 1:32 am

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denise
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by denise » Mon Aug 15, 2016 3:22 am

:rofl:

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Stiphan
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by Stiphan » Wed Aug 17, 2016 9:38 am

http://www.e-buddhism.com/2016/04/13-bu ... ghten.html



1. Says the Master to his pupil: "Do you understand that you don't really exist?"
Upon which the pupil replies: "To whom are you telling that?"


2. A zen student asked his master: "Is it okay to use email?" "Yes", replied the master, "but with no attachments."


3. Someone sent the Buddha a gift box tied with a ribbon. Buddha opened it to find it empty. "Aha!", he said, "Just what I wanted. Nothing!"


4. What does a Buddhist comedian say when the audience stops laughing?
"I know you're out there. I can concentrate on your breathing."


5. A Western Buddhist woman was in India, studying with her teacher. She was riding with another woman friend in a rickshaw, when they were attacked by a man on the street. In the end, the attacker only succeeded in frightening the women, but the Buddhist woman was quite upset by the event and told her teacher. She asked him what she should have done: "what would have been the appropriate, Buddhist response?" The teacher said very simply, "You should have very mindfully and with great compassion whacked the attacker over the head with your umbrella."


6. What did one Zen practitioner give to another for their birthday?
Image
Nothing.



7. What did the Buddhist say to the pizza chef?
Make me one with everything. The pizza chef prepares it and gives it to the monk. The monk pays him and asks for the change. The pizza vendor says: “Change comes from within.”


8. How many Zen Buddhists does it take to screw in a light bulb? There is no light bulb.


9. Q: What happens when a Buddhist becomes totally absorbed with the computer he is working with?
A: He enters Nerdvana.


10. Why did the Buddhist coroner get fired?
He kept marking the cause of death as “birth.”


11. A Buddhist phones the monastery and asks the monk, “Can you come to do a blessing for my new house?”
The monk replies “Sorry, I’m busy.”
“What are you doing? Can I help?”
“I’m doing nothing.” replied the monk. “Doing nothing is a monk’s core business and you can’t help me with that.”
So the next day the Buddhist phones again, “Can you please come to my house for a blessing?”
“Sorry,” said the monk, “I’m busy.”
“What are you doing?”
“I’m doing nothing,” replied the monk.
“But that was what you were doing yesterday!” said the Buddhist.
“Correct”, replied the monk, “I’m not finished yet!”
~ Ajahn Brahm




12. Prince Gautama, who had become Buddha, saw one of his followers meditating under a tree at the edge of the Ganges River. Upon inquiring why he was meditating, his follower stated he was attempting to become so enlightened he could cross the river unaided. Buddha gave him a few pennies and said: “Why don’t you seek passage with that boatman. It is much easier.”



13. A Zen master told me, “Do the opposite of what I tell you.” So I didn’t.

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rowboat
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by rowboat » Sat Aug 20, 2016 7:12 pm

I love waking up to the sound of birds arguing with their spouses. - Conan O'Brien
:rofl:
Rain soddens what is covered up,
It does not sodden what is open.
Therefore uncover what is covered
That the rain will not sodden it.
Ud 5.5

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Kare
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by Kare » Sun Aug 21, 2016 9:33 am

As Buddhists, we try to be as kind as possible. But no matter how kind you are, German children will always be kinder.
Mettāya,
Kåre

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Stiphan
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by Stiphan » Sun Aug 21, 2016 11:50 am

Kare wrote:As Buddhists, we try to be as kind as possible. But no matter how kind you are, German children will always be kinder.
:lol: You have to know a bit of German to understand this joke! It took me a few seconds to get it, but thankfully I studied a bit of German in high school.

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