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Posted: Sun Nov 14, 2010 7:12 am
A copper pulled over a motorist on the freeway.
Get out of the car please Sir, said the cop, and step to the rear of the vehicle.
The driver got out of the car and followed the cop around to the back of the car.
Sir, said the copper, your rear tail-light is out.
Oh ...MY..GOD...screamed the driver. Oh, No, this is terrible. OH ..LORD
I dont believe it, ..What am I going to do?
Then he threw himself on the ground.
Settle down Sir, said the cop, its only a tail-light!
Bugger the tail-light, said the driver....Where's my bloody caravan !!
Posted: Sun Nov 14, 2010 10:04 am
"We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires."
by Dave Barry
Posted: Sun Nov 14, 2010 10:06 am
cooran wrote:Where's my bloody caravan !!
I don't know. Where is it?
Posted: Mon Nov 15, 2010 12:09 am
tiltbillings wrote:*see cartoon in post*
Very funny in a subtle way....
cooran wrote:Its the start of the holiday season in a small town on the south coast of France , but its raining, so there is not too much business happening.
Everyone is heavily in debt.
Luckily a rich Russian tourist arrives in the foyer of the small local hotel. He asks for a room and puts a 100 euro note on the reception counter, takes a key and goes to inspect the room located up the stairs on the top floor.
The owner takes the 100 euro note in a hurry and rushes to his meat supplier to whom he owes 100 euros.
The butcher takes the money to his wholesaler to pay his debt.
The wholesaler rushes to the farmer to pay for some pigs he bought a while ago.
The farmer happily gives the 100 euro note to the local prostitute who gave him her services on credit.
The pro goes quickly to the hotel, as she owed the hotel for her hourly room use to entertain clients and lays the 100 euros on the counter.
At that moment the rich Russian returns from upstairs to reception and informs the owner that the proposed room is unsatisfactory to his tastes and takes his 100 euros back and departs.
There was no profit or income. But everyone was no longer in debt and the small townspeople look optimistically towards their future.
How to solve the Global economic crisis in a few easy steps....
Posted: Mon Nov 15, 2010 8:42 am
First Christmas Joke.
Three men died on Christmas eve and were met by St Peter at the Pearly
'In honour of this holy season' , Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess
something that symbolizes Christmas to get into Heaven.'
The first man rumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.
'You may pass through the Pearly Gates' Saint Peter said.
The second man rached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He
shook them and said, 'They're bells.'
Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the Pearly Gates'.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked: 'And just
what do those symbolize?'
The man replied, 'They're 'Carol's.'
And So The Christmas season begins...... Bah-Humbug!!!
Posted: Wed Nov 17, 2010 9:15 am
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just married for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
Posted: Thu Nov 18, 2010 7:31 am
I kid you not...
A New Wine for Seniors!!
South Australian vintners in Barossa Valley area which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir & Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic!
It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people make to the toilet during the night.
The new wine will be marketed as - PINO MORE!
I HEARD IT THROUGH THE GRAPEVINE!
Posted: Thu Nov 18, 2010 9:11 pm
A man is stopped by the Police at midnight and asked where he's going.
"I'm on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body."
The policeman asks, "Really? And who's going to give a lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies "My wife".
Posted: Fri Nov 19, 2010 7:13 am
I became confused when I heard the word 'service' used with these agencies:
• Banking 'Service'
• Postal 'Service'
• Telephone 'Service'
• Cable TV 'Service'
• Civil 'Service'
• City, State & Public 'Service'
• Customer 'Service'
. Bureaucratic 'Service'
This is not what I thought 'service' meant.
But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'service' his cows.
BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.
Price of gas in France
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.
After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.
However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, 'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.'
I had no Monet
(it gets worse....)
to buy Degas
to make the Van Gogh.'
See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else.
I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse
Posted: Tue Nov 23, 2010 7:15 am
A bear walks into a bar and says ' May I have a gin and ........................tonic. The barman says ' what’s with the big pause '. The bear holds up his paws and says ' I'm a bear '
A Tasmanian man left the cold streets of Hobart for a vacation in Cairns.. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.
When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her email address, he did his best to type it in from memory.
Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
DEAREST WIFE: JUST GOT CHECKED IN. EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.
P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE.
Posted: Thu Nov 25, 2010 8:18 am
You Know you are Addicted to the Internet When...
· You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved, and you don't have a clue when it happened.
· Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.
· All of your friends have an @ in their names.
· Your dog has its own home page.
· You can't call your mother... she doesn't have a modem.
· You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.
· You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse.
· You get a new suit that says, "This best viewed with Netscape 4.01 or higher."
· The last girl you asked out was only a jpeg.
· Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.
Posted: Sat Nov 27, 2010 2:45 am
Posted: Tue Nov 30, 2010 8:40 am
My Living Will
Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them,
'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
They got up, unplugged the Computer, and threw out my wine!!!!
The little bxxxxxxs ...........
Posted: Sat Dec 04, 2010 9:08 am
Mike Tyson was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you will have lost at least five pounds."
When Mike Tyson returned, he shocked the doctor by losing nearly twenty pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said. "Did you follow my instructions?"
Mike Tyson nodded and said, "I'll tell you though, Doc, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.
To which Tyson answered, "No, Doc, from skipping."
Posted: Mon Dec 06, 2010 9:23 am
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
With dearest love and affection, Agnes
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle doves.... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.
All my love, Agnes
Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity. Three french hens. They are just darling but I must insist.... you're just too kind.
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love, Agnes
When I opened the door there were actually six geese-a-laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. PLEASE STOP!
What's with you and those birds???? Seven swans-a-swimming. What kind of joke is this? There's bird do-do all over the house and they never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night. IT'S NOT FUNNY.......So stop with those birds.
I think I prefer the birds. What am I going to do with eight maids-a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids-a-milking, but they had to bring their own cows. There is poop all over the lawn and I can't move into my own house. Just lay off me. .
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And do they play! They never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset and are stepping all over those screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours.
Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call them ladies. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of poop. The commissioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm sicking the police on you.
One who means it, Ag
What's with the eleven lords a-leaping? All 234 of the birds are dead. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten swine.
Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister
December 25th (From the law offices Taeker, Spedar, and Baegar)
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling, which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.
Posted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 7:52 am
A man went into a pet store and said to the owner, " I would like to buy a pet that is really out of the ordinary, really unusual!
"Well, I have one and it is called a "Rairy Bird."
"I have never heard of a Rairy Bird, so that makes it very unusual, I know my birds, so I will take it please!"
So the man takes it home and soon finds out that the Rairy Bird has a voracious appetite, it was always hungry!! It got so big that eventually it would not fit in its' cage. Then the Rairy Bird got so big, it could not fit in the house..The man said to himself.."This is no good, the Rairy Bird is getting far too fat and I just cannot afford to feed it anymore, it will have to go!"
So he rented a big truck and had help to push the bird into the back and he drove to the highest cliff he could find to dump it there..which he did..
As he drove back, thinking that ALL his troubles were over and he finally had got rid of this unusual pet, he heard singing coming from the back of his truck and .....
'It's a long, long way to tip a RAIRY!"
Posted: Tue Dec 07, 2010 9:35 pm
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
3. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
4. Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don't.
5. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
6. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
7. If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
8. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
9. The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day, drinking beer.
11. Flashlight: A metal tube used to store dead batteries.
12. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
13. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
14. When you go to Court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Posted: Sat Dec 11, 2010 9:19 am
A Scottish Joke
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,
"I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough".
"Dad, what are you talking about?'" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer", the father says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her".
Frantically, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone, "Like hell they're getting divorced", she shouts, "I'll take care of this".
She calls Scotland immediately and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?"and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
"Done! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way."
Posted: Tue Dec 14, 2010 6:06 am
The Hotel Bill
An woman decided to give herself a big treat for her birthday by staying overnight in one of London's most expensive hotels.
When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £250.00.
She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth £250.00 for just an overnight stop without even breakfast."
The clerk told her that £250.00 is the 'standard rate' so she insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appeared and forewarned by the desk clerk announced: "the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use."
'But I didn't use them," she said.
''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.
He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from Edinburgh, Glasgow, and Aberdeen performing here," the Manager said.
"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use it!"
The Manager was unmoved, so she decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to the Manager.
The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. "But madam, this cheque is only made out for £50.00." ''That's correct. I charged you £200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.
"But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager.
"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."
Posted: Tue Dec 14, 2010 7:00 am
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See some of these laws. They're funny.