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Posted: Tue Dec 18, 2012 11:59 pm
(Apologies to those who have seen this before)
MEMO: ALL STAFF
All employees planning to dash through the snow in a one horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are advised that a Risk Assessment will be required addressing the safety of an open sleigh for members of the public. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.
Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night. While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all users of this facility are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks. The angel of the lord is additionally reminded that, prior to shining his/her glory all around, s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.
Following last year’s well publicised case, everyone is advised that Equal Opportunities legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.
While it is acknowledged that gift bearing is a common practice in various parts of the world, particularly the Orient, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded, while caution is advised regarding other common gifts such as aromatic resins that may evoke allergic reactions.
Finally, in the recent case of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly
Posted: Sun Dec 30, 2012 9:18 am
Q: What happened to the Irish man who thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year?
A: He gave up thinking.
Q: What's the problem with jogging on New Years Eve?
A: The ice falls out of your drinks!
On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready.
At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.
Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual. - Mark Twain
God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. - Author Unknown
Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to. - Bill Vaughn
People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas. - Author Unknown
An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves. - Billy Vaughn
Ten Indications of a New Year Hangover
1. You get it into your head that chirping birds are the Devil's pets.
2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "Stay still."
3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as drinking a glass of fresh paint.
4. The bathroom reminds you of the fairground cry, "Step right up and give it whirl!"
5. You'd rather chew tacks than be exposed to sunlight.
6. You set aside an entire afternoon to spend some quality time with your toilet.
7. You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
8. Your catch phrase is, "Never again."
9. You could purchase a new fridge on the proceeds from recycling the bottles around your bed.
10. Your new response to "Good morning," is "Be quiet!"
Posted: Mon Dec 31, 2012 7:40 am
Practice makes perfect ...
Posted: Fri Jan 04, 2013 9:04 pm
The Cat’s New Year’s resolutions
Find out which bad habits The Cat will be breaking this year with her list of funny New Year’s resolutions.
1. I will no longer sleep on my owner's head throughout the night, in hopes that she will get up to feed me at awful hours, such as 3 a.m. I will patiently wait at the bottom of the bed, on the blanket she has so thoughtfully placed there, until she wakes up at a decent time.
2. I will refrain from pestering my owner when she is writing on the computer, reading the newspaper, or playing the keyboard. I apologize for my bad habit of sitting in front of the monitor, laying in the middle of whatever she is reading, and hopping on the keyboard keys as she is playing the keyboard. I will sit patiently by her feet and wait for her attention.
3. I will wait for my bathroom and outdoor breaks when it is convenient for my owner. There will be no more wanting out during a romantic moment or when she is in the shower. I will wait for her to let me out.
4. I will try to refrain from visiting my owner while she is in the bathtub. I am aware that I have a bad habit of sitting on the ledge of the tub, and looking gorgeous. I was not aware that this distracts my owner from her relaxing bubble bath, because she is afraid I will either knock the candle over or end up in the bathtub with her.
5. I will no longer hitch a ride to the grocery store with my owner. Although I love to ride in cars, I know it is distracting to have to turn the car around to take me back home.
6. Dry cat food is both tasty and nutritious, and it is always available. I will not starve myself and act pitiful all day long in anticipation of the canned food.
7. And finally, I will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti over my owner’s bed while she is attempting to sleep.
Posted: Wed Jan 09, 2013 9:56 pm
Not actually a joke - but it raised a smile eventually.
I will seek and find you.
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.
I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I’m finished with you.
And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days….
All my love,
Now get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot!!!!
Posted: Wed Jan 09, 2013 11:30 pm
Sometimes I wonder: "Why is that frisbee getting bigger?"
And then it hits me.
Posted: Wed Jan 16, 2013 5:14 am
The 25 year old driver was pulled out and taken to hospital with only minor injuries. Police are investigating, but say there's enough evidence to assume that he was speeding.
Posted: Wed Jan 16, 2013 7:32 am
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.
The seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."
"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."
"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"
A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, ''All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine.''
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle.
The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey,somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens-the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, ''It's no good, I'll have to do it,'' and yells, ''ALLLEEE OOOP!'' really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, ''Nothing is wrong with me-it's this bloody horse. What is he-deaf or something?''
The trainer replies, ''Deaf? DEAF? He's not deaf-he's BLIND!''
Posted: Sun Jan 20, 2013 4:40 pm
An American tourist went to Cairo to visit the famous Polish rabbi Hafez Ayim. The tourist was surprised to see that the rabbi lived in a simple, book-lined room, in which the only pieces of furniture were a table and a bench.
'Rabbi, where's all your furniture?' asked the tourist.
'Why, where's yours?' retorted Hafez.
'Mine? But I'm just passing through.'
'So am I,' said the rabbi.
(like many Rabbi jokes, somewhat Dhammic with rebirth overtones)
Posted: Mon Feb 11, 2013 1:55 am
Valentine's Day Jokes - February 14th
A Thoughtful Valentine's Day Gift
Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine's Day.
'Yes,' came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, 'I've bought her a belt and a bag.'
'That was very kind of you,' Jim added, 'I hope she appreciated the thought.'
Tony smiled as he replied, 'So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.'
My One And Only
Roger, who was 19 years old, was buying an expensive bracelet, to surprise his girlfriend on Valentine's Day, at a very smart jeweller's shop in Hatton Garden, London.
The jeweller inquired, 'Would you like your girlfriend's name engraved on it?'
Roger thought for a moment, grinned, then answered, 'No, instead engrave "To my one and only love".'
The jeweller smiled and said, 'Yes, sir; how very romantic of you.'
Roger retorted with a glint in his eye, 'Not exactly romantic, but very practical. This way, if we break up, I can use it again.'
Question and Answer Valentine Jokes
Q: What do squirrels give for Valentine's Day?
Q: What did the valentine card say to the stamp?
A: Stick with me and we'll go places!
Q: What did the light bulb say to the switch?
A: You turn me on.
Q: Did Adam and Eve ever have a date?
A: No, but they had an Apple.
Q: What did the boy octopus say to the girl octopus?
A: Can I hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand?
Q: What did one snake say to the other snake?
A: Give me a little hug and a hiss, honey.
Q: Why did the banana go out with the prune?
A: Because it couldn't get a date.
Q: What is a ram's favourite song on February 14th?
A: I only have eyes for ewe, dear
Q: What travels around the world but stays in one corner?
A: A stamp.
Q: What happens when you fall in love with a French chef?
A: You get buttered up.
Q: What is a vampire's sweetheart called?
A: His ghoul-friend.
Q: If your aunt ran off to get married, what would you call her?
One morning Emma woke up with a start. Her husband Jim asked what was the matter, she told him, "I just had a dream that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight," Jim said.
That evening, Jim home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, Emma opened it - only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".
500 Valentine Cards Sent by Desperate Man
Mike walked into a post office just before Valentine's day, he couldn't help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scent over the envelopes.
By now Mike's curiosity had got the better of him, and so I asked the man why he was sending all those cards. The man replied, "I'm sending out 500 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asked Mike.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replied.
What did the stamp say to the envelope?
I'm stuck on you.
Love is Blind?
Phil, a smart and handsome young man, dressed in the latest fashion, walked into this local pub. He noticed a woman gazing at him without blinking her big eyes. Phil felt flattered so he walked up to the woman and said in his deepest voice, 'I'll do anything you wish, beautiful lady, for just £10 but on one condition.'
The woman appeared to be trapped in the moment and asked as if in a trance, 'What's your condition?'
Phil answered, 'Tell me your wish in just three words.'
There was a long pause, the woman opened her purse, counted out the money and handed it to the man along with her address. She then looked deeply into his eyes and whispered, 'Clean my house.'
How Long Have You Been Married?
When a woman on the staff of the school where I worked became engaged, a friend and colleague offered her some advice.
'The first ten years are the hardest.'
'How long have you been married?' she asked.
'Ten years', he replied.
Posted: Tue Mar 05, 2013 8:26 am
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you`ve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a `man`, Lord?" "This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he`ll give you a hard time. But, he`ll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He`ll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack."
"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow.
"Yeah, well. He's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, you can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"You`ll have to let him believe that I made him first."
Posted: Tue Mar 05, 2013 5:58 pm
"You`ll have to let him believe that I made him first."
Very good. George Carlin once said, "if men were made first, why do they have nipples? What are those nipples for on men? Men are all just one chromosome spin away from being female"
(or something like that, words to that effect)
Posted: Sun Mar 10, 2013 7:33 am
Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?
Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.
Woman: Oh, I see.
Officer: Can I see your license please?
Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.
Officer: Don't have one?
Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.
Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
Woman: I can't do that.
Officer: Why not?
Woman: I stole this car.
Officer: Stole it?
Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
Officer: You what?
Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.
The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Woman: Is there a problem sir?
Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Woman: Murdered the owner?
Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?
Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The first officer is stunned.
Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.
Woman: Betcha the lying xxxxxxx told you I was speeding too!
Posted: Sun Mar 10, 2013 10:14 am
Posted: Sat Mar 16, 2013 10:11 pm
"WHEN I SAY I'M BROKE - I'M BROKE!"
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying A vacuum cleaner.
'Good morning,' said the young man.
'If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.
''Go away!'' said the old lady. ''I'm broke and haven't got any money!'' and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open...
''Don't be too hasty!'' he said. ''Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.'' And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. Now if this vacuum cleaner does not remove All traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
The old lady stepped back and said, "Well let me get you a fork, 'cause they cut off my electricity this morning."
Posted: Mon Mar 25, 2013 8:38 am
Sign in a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES:PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
Sign in a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
Outside a farm:
HORSE MANURE 50p PER PRE-PACKED BAG 20p DO-IT-YOURSELF
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
On a church door:
THIS IS THE GATE OF HEAVEN. ENTER YE ALL BY THIS DOOR. (THIS DOOR IS KEPT LOCKED BECAUSE OF THE DRAFT. PLEASE USE SIDE DOOR.)
Outside a photographer's studio:
OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE, OUT FOR DINNER ALSO
Seen at the side of a Sussex road:
SLOW CATTLE CROSSING. NO OVERTAKING FOR THE NEXT 100 YRS.
Outside a disco:
SMARTS IS THE MOST EXCLUSIVE DISCO IN TOWN. EVERYONE WELCOME
Sign warning of quicksand:
QUICKSAND. ANY PERSON PASSING THIS POINT WILL BE DROWNED. BY ORDER OF THE DISTRICT COUNCIL.
Notice sent to residents of a Wiltshire parish:
DUE TO INCREASING PROBLEMS WITH LETTER LOUTS AND VANDALS WE MUST ASK ANYONE WITH RELATIVES BURIED IN THE GRAVEYARD TO DO THEIR BEST TO KEEP THEM IN ORDER
Notice in a dry cleaner's window:
ANYONE LEAVING THEIR GARMENTS HERE FOR MORE THAN 30 DAYS WILL BE DISPOSED OF.
Sign on motorway garage:
PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR
Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES
Sign on a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
Sign at Norfolk farm gate:
BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT
Spotted in a toilet in a London office block:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
Posted: Sun Apr 07, 2013 7:42 am
An elderly Zuni man (native american) is having serious problems sleeping.
He falls asleep fine every night, but tosses and turns and eventually is woken up halfway through the night by disturbing dreams.
The insomnia is taking a toll on his health and driving his wife crazy too. He pursuades him to go see his GP.
The doctor asks him the problem, what is it specifically about these dreams that is so disturbing that he can't sleep?
The fellow says, well, the dreams are just so surreal - I dream I'm an inanimate object, it's so weird that I'm up worried about it all night.
One night I dream I'm a wigwam, the next night a teepee - wigwam, teepee, wigwam, teepee."
Doctor mulls it over, then says 'you know, i've read an article in a recent APA journal about this and I think I know what's wrong with you - you're just too tense!" (pr. "two tents" for the dim)
Posted: Sun Apr 07, 2013 10:50 pm
It happened at a New York Airport. A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A
single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."
The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try
to help you, but I've got to help these folks first; and then I'm
sure we'll be able to work something out."
The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that
the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her
public address microphone. "May I have your attention, please?", she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14".
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically,
the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, "F*** You!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry sir,
you'll have to get in line for that, too."
Posted: Sat Jul 06, 2013 6:41 am
A kangaroo mum with seven babies in her pouch told another kangaroo mum,
'These sleepovers are killing me.''
What did the Australian invent while recycling?
The can guru.
When do kangaroos celebrate birthdays?
during leap year.
How do you serve a kangaroo a sandwich?
In pocket bread.
Why did mother kangaroos hate rainy days?
Because the children had to play inside.
What do you call a very tired kangaroo?
Out of bounds.
What do you call dancing kangaroos?
What do you call a lazy kangaroo?
A pouch potato
Posted: Sun Jul 07, 2013 3:30 pm
Bengt and Laila realized that "buddhist beach" was no printing error in the brochure after all!