Joke!!!

Casual discussion amongst spiritual friends.
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cooran
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Location: Queensland, Australia

Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran » Mon Sep 26, 2011 9:46 am

Bumper Stickers

EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

He who laughs last thinks slowest!

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.

I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---

chownah
Posts: 7597
Joined: Wed Aug 12, 2009 2:19 pm

Re: Joke!!!

Post by chownah » Sat Oct 01, 2011 3:26 am

Hey Cooran,
Did you ever call up the Buddhist Hair Salon and make an appointment to get an impermanent?
chownah

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Kim OHara
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Joined: Wed Dec 09, 2009 5:47 am
Location: North Queensland, Australia

Re: Joke!!!

Post by Kim OHara » Sat Oct 01, 2011 10:41 am

cooran wrote:A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
We relearn this every cyclone season.
:thinking:
Kim

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cooran
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Joined: Tue Jan 06, 2009 11:32 pm
Location: Queensland, Australia

Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran » Sat Oct 01, 2011 10:08 pm

An Aussie Story

The sun was hot already - it was only 8 o'clock
The cocky took off in his Ute, to go and check his stock.
He drove around the paddocks checking wethers, ewes and lambs,
The float valves in the water troughs, the windmills on the dams.

He stopped and turned a windmill on to fill a water tank
And saw a ewe down in the dam, a few yards from the bank.
'Typical bloody sheep,' he thought, 'they've got no common sense,
'They won't go through a gateway but they'll jump a bloody fence.'

The ewe was stuck down in the mud, he knew without a doubt
She'd stay there 'til she carked it if he didn't get her out.
But when he reached the water's edge, the startled ewe broke free
And in her haste to get away, began a swimming spree.

He reckoned once her fleece was wet, the weight would drag her down
If he didn't rescue her, the stupid sod would drown.
Her style was unimpressive, her survival chances slim
He saw no other option, he would have to take a swim.

He peeled his shirt and singlet off, his trousers, boots and socks
And as he couldn't stand wet clothes, he also shed his jocks.
He jumped into the water and away that cocky swam
He caught up with her, somewhere near the middle of the dam

The ewe was quite evasive, she kept giving him the slip
He tried to grab her sodden fleece but couldn't get a grip.
At last he got her to the bank and stopped to catch his breath
She showed him little gratitude for saving her from death.

She took off like a Bondi tram around the other side
He swore next time he caught that ewe he'd hang her bloody hide.
Then round and round the dam they ran, although he felt quite puffed
He still thought he could run her down, she must be nearly stuffed.

The local stock rep came along to pay a call that day.
He knew this bloke was on his own, his wife had gone away.
He didn't really think he'd get fresh scones for morning tea
But nor was he prepared for what he was about to see.

He rubbed his eyes in disbelief at what came into view
For running down the catchment came this frantic-looking ewe.
And on her heels in hot pursuit and wearing not a stitch
The farmer yelling wildly 'Come back here, you lousy bitch!'

The stock rep didn't hang around, he took off in his car
The cocky's reputation has been damaged near and far
So bear in mind the Work Safe rule when next you check your flocks
Spot the hazard, Assess the risk, and always wear your Jocks!
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---

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cooran
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Location: Queensland, Australia

Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran » Tue Oct 04, 2011 7:29 am

Knock Knock
Who’s There?
Sad
Sad Who?
Nahhh, just a Kshatriya
------------------------------------
Q. If Bhumblebhees decided to leave the Hive to live the Holy Life, Who would teach them the Dhamma?

A. Why, a BheeQhueenie, of course!
------------------------------------------------------------

Why did the Buddhist coroner get the sack?

Answer:: because he’d always record the cause of death as 'birth'.
---------------------------------------
Peace of mind
The day after completing a 9 day Vipassana retreat, Dave turns up for work at the Zoo. Seeing how chilled out Dave is, the head keeper puts him in charge of the tortoise enclosure. Dave slowly walks over to the cages. At lunch time, the head keeper checks on Dave only to see the cage door is wide open and all the tortoises gone! He runs up to Dave and asks, “What happened with the tortoises?”
“Well”, said Dave very slowly, “I opened the tortoise cage door and it was, like, Whoosh!”
Ajahn Brahm
-----------------------------------------
Doing nothing
A Buddhist phones the monastery and asks the monk “Can you come to do a blessing for my new house?”
The monk replies “Sorry, I’m busy.”
“What are you doing? Can I help?”
“I’m doing nothing”, replied the monk, “Doing nothing is a monk’s core business and you can’t help me with that.”
So the next day the Buddhist phones again, “Can you please come to my house for a blessing?”
“Sorry,” said the monk, “I’m busy.”
“What are you doing?”
“I’m doing nothing,” replied the monk.
“But that was what you were doing yesterday!”, said the Buddhist.
“Correct”, replied the monk, “I’m not finished yet!"
Ajahn Brahm
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---

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cooran
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran » Wed Oct 05, 2011 7:30 am

The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

I went to school to become a wit, but I only got halfway through.

I wish the buck stopped here. I could use a few.

It's not hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.

When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?

When I come to one of the forks in the road of life, I don’t waste time and energy wishing it was a spoon. ~ Miss Piggy

An onion can make people cry but there has never been a vegetable invented to make them laugh. ~ Will Rogers

.........................

"General Hospital," the receptionist answered.

On the other end of the phone was someone who sounded like a sweet little grandmother. Timidly she asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone to find out how a patient is doing?"

"Yes," said the receptionist. "I'll be glad to help you. What is the patient's name and room number?"

"Edna Smith. Room 503," the grandmother said in a weak and trembling voice.

The receptionist said, "I'm going to put you on hold while I talk to the nurse's station on that floor."

A few minutes later she was back and said, "I have good news. The nurse told me that Edna is doing well. He blood pressure if good. Her blood work came back normal and the doctor had scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said, "Oh, thank you! That is wonderful. God bless you for the good news. I was so worried."

"You're very welcome," replied the receptionist. "Is Edna your daughter?"

"No," said the grandmother. "I'm Edna. No one tells me anything."
----------------------------------------

A farmer sent his son to the market to buy a crate of chickens. The boy did and was returning home when he dropped the crate and it broke open, letting all the chickens escape.

They scurried off in all directions. The boy was upset, knowing his father would be angry. He fixed the crate as best as he could and searching the neighborhood until he found them all. When he returned home, he told his father that the chickens had gotten loose, but he managed to find all eight of them.

"Well, you did a good job," said his father. The boy was surprised. His father continued, "The receipt says you paid for six."

---------------------------------------

A lady lost her purse one day while shopping at a busy department store. Fortunately, it was found by an honest little boy who returned it to her.

"Thank you," she said and looked inside it. "Hmmm," she said. "That's funny. When I lost it, there was a twenty dollar bill in it. Now there's twenty one dollar bills."

"That's right, lady," said the cleaver little boy. "Last time I returned a lost purse, the lady said she didn't have any change to give me a reward."
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---

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cooran
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Location: Queensland, Australia

Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran » Sun Oct 09, 2011 8:39 am

An elderly gentleman with serious hearing problems goes to the doctor who fits him with hearing aids that allow him to hear at 100% for the first time in many years.

The elderly man goes back in a month for a checkup. The doctor says, “Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”

To which the gentleman replies, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”.
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---

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cooran
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Location: Queensland, Australia

Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran » Mon Oct 17, 2011 7:51 am

A man died and went to The Judgment, they told him , “Before you meet with God, I should tell you — we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?”

The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over, got out a bat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!”

“Wow that’s impressive, “When did this happen?”

“About three minutes ago,” came the reply.
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---

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cooran
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Location: Queensland, Australia

Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran » Sat Oct 29, 2011 8:01 pm

While cleaning the attic, Joan and Harry found an old stub for some shoes they left at the repair shop 10 years ago. They thought it would be funny to go to the shop and see if the shoes were still there. So they did. They handed the stub to the repair man who took it and looked in the back. He came out again and said, "They'll be ready on Wednesday."
================================================================

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dachshund along for company. One day, the dachshund starts chasing butterflies and before long the dachshund discovers that he is lost.
So, wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having him for lunch. The dachshund thinks, "OK, I'm in deep trouble now!"
Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dachshund exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here."
Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew," says the leopard. "That was close. That dachshund nearly had me."
Meanwhile, a monkey, who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.
But the dachshund saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.
The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."
Now the dachshund sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks, "What am I going to do now?" But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet ... and, just when they get close enough to hear, the dachshund says..................

"Where's that darn monkey? Sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard."
============================================================

Differences Between Man and Women

Names
If Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara.
If John, Brad, Tony and Daniel go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bruno, Scrappy, Peanut-Head and Godzilla.
============================================================
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---

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DNS
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by DNS » Sun Oct 30, 2011 3:37 am

cooran wrote: Differences Between Man and Women

Names
If Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara.
If John, Brad, Tony and Daniel go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bruno, Scrappy, Peanut-Head and Godzilla.
Differences between Men and Women, part 2

Because if Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara called each other Bruno, Scrappy, Peanut-Head and Godzilla; they wouldn't talk to each other for 25 years.

and now to equitably go after the other gender:

PMS

Women get crabby a few days a month due to PMS
Men get crabby 30 days a month

What's their excuse?

manas
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by manas » Sun Oct 30, 2011 8:32 am

"WANTED: A small dog that neither growls nor bites, can eat broken glass and can shit diamonds."

~Goethe

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cooran
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Location: Queensland, Australia

Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran » Thu Nov 03, 2011 8:59 am

BOOTS!
Did you hear about the Texas Teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots? He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.
She almost cried when the little boy said, "Teacher, they're on the wrong feet."

She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the right feet.
He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to. And, once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet. No sooner they got the boots off and he said, "They're my brother's boots. My Mom made me wear 'em."

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again. Helping him into his coat, she asked, "Now, where are your mittens?" He said,
"I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots."

Her trial starts next month.
========================================================================
Twenty Questions
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroids

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Sinko

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite

13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
===================================================
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---

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Kim OHara
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Location: North Queensland, Australia

Re: Joke!!!

Post by Kim OHara » Fri Dec 02, 2011 7:37 am

On British Airways flight FR112 from Johannesburg, a rich, middle-aged white woman from South Africa was on the plane. The plane was about to take off but when she sat down she found she had been seated next to a black man.

"Stewardess, bleeeuurrrgghh," she wailed. "Stewardess, there's a black man, bleeeuuurgh I'm going to be sick, this is repulsive euuurrrggghhh." She kept making vomiting noises and pointing at the black man, who was getting quite embarrassed.
The stewardess came over to the woman and asked what was wrong. "You put me next to a black man, bleeeuuuurrghhh, that is so euuurrrghhhhh. I can't believe this," she moaned.


"Oh, I'll see what I can do!" the stewardess scurried up the plane and behind a curtain. After a moment she came back and said, "I'm soooooo sorry, but there are no more seats in economy. We do have a seat in first class, though." The woman's eyes lit up. First class was her kind of thing.
The stewardess turned slightly, towards the man, as she continued talking, "It's really rare that we will do this, but we think it's completely unfair that you have to sit next to such an obnoxious human being. Would you like to come up to first class, sir?"


The man stood up gratefully, and the whole plane burst into applause as the stewardess escorted him forward.

Found on Racism Sux, http://www.facebook.com/Rismsux

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cooran
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran » Mon Dec 05, 2011 12:16 am

You know you are addicted to coffee if ...

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

You sleep with your eyes open.

You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

You chew on other people's fingernails.

The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.

You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.

You can jump-start your car without cables.

You don't sweat, you percolate.

You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

People get dizzy just watching you.

Instant coffee takes too long.

You channel surf faster without a remote.

You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

You short out motion detectors.

You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

You help your dog chase its tail.

You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

You ski uphill.

You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

You answer the door before people knock.

You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---

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Kim OHara
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Joined: Wed Dec 09, 2009 5:47 am
Location: North Queensland, Australia

Re: Joke!!!

Post by Kim OHara » Sun Dec 18, 2011 11:47 pm

Food has replaced sex in my life. Now I can't even get into my own pants.

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