Joke!!!

A place to discuss casual topics amongst spiritual friends.
Locked
Jhana4
Posts: 1331
Joined: Sat Feb 05, 2011 5:20 pm
Location: U.S.A., Northeast

Re: Joke!!!

Post by Jhana4 »

Why don't Buddhist vacuum their corners?

They have no attachments.
In reading the scriptures, there are two kinds of mistakes:
One mistake is to cling to the literal text and miss the inner principles.
The second mistake is to recognize the principles but not apply them to your own mind, so that you waste time and just make them into causes of entanglement.
User avatar
Kim OHara
Posts: 5584
Joined: Wed Dec 09, 2009 5:47 am
Location: North Queensland, Australia

Re: Joke!!!

Post by Kim OHara »

In case you haven't got xkcd bookmarked (yet), here's one with considerable Buddhist resonance:
http://xkcd.com/876/

:namaste:
Kim
User avatar
octathlon
Posts: 599
Joined: Thu Jun 17, 2010 5:06 am
Location: USA

Re: Joke!!!

Post by octathlon »

"Ugh, look at how these young people dress nowadays. Check out that teenager--the clothes, the hair, you can't tell if it's a guy or a girl!"

"It's a girl."

"And how do you know?"

"Because she's my daughter."

"Oh, sorry! I didn't realize you were her father!"

"I'm her mother."
User avatar
cooran
Posts: 8503
Joined: Tue Jan 06, 2009 11:32 pm
Location: Queensland, Australia

Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran »

For Coffee Drinkers: You know you are addicted to coffee if ...

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

You sleep with your eyes open.

You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

You chew on other people's fingernails.

The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.

You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.

You can jump-start your car without cables.

You don't sweat, you percolate.

You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

People get dizzy just watching you.

Instant coffee takes too long.

You channel surf faster without a remote.

You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

You short out motion detectors.

You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

You help your dog chase its tail.

You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

You ski uphill.

You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

You answer the door before people knock.

You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
User avatar
cooran
Posts: 8503
Joined: Tue Jan 06, 2009 11:32 pm
Location: Queensland, Australia

Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran »

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "R" ! , we missed the "R" !"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, Bhante?"

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was... CELEBRATE !!! "
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
User avatar
Quinn
Posts: 57
Joined: Tue Jul 28, 2009 2:25 am
Location: Tasmania

Re: Joke!!!

Post by Quinn »

hi, :hello:
very funny joke! :rofl: :goodpost:
May the power of the Buddha be with you!!!
User avatar
cooran
Posts: 8503
Joined: Tue Jan 06, 2009 11:32 pm
Location: Queensland, Australia

Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran »

It’s 2020 and the Canadian government decides to host a Buddhist conference in Nunavut as part of their initiative to demonstrate national presence in the north. They send a lama, a bhikku and a roshi to attend the conference.

Somewhere along the way, their plane goes down and the three Buddhist teachers find themselves on a deserted island in Hudson’s Bay, somewhere on the muskeg. The three are miraculously alive, and hold a quick discussion about what to do. They decide to explore for an hour and then reconvene to share their discoveries.

Upon their return, the lama immediately says: “I’m pretty used to the cold because of my powers in Inner Heat Yoga, but you two might find it a bit difficult. Fortunately, while wandering around, I found a polar bear’s cave. I made love with the polar bear, who is a manifestation of Palden Lhamo, and she gave us her blessing to share the cave. When our son is born, he will become a great teacher in forty years. In the meanwhile, we can be warm there.”

The bhikku, who has been struggling to keep himself quiet, can’t hold back any longer: “Your story is preposterous, sir. It is an affront to the precepts! Furthermore, since according to the laws of dependent origination, this place is no different from any other, I have complete equanimity about our presence here. I have no need to be rescued and I certainly have no desire to share a cave with you and a polar bear. Our karma will evolve as it should. I performed my alms round and have returned with berries for us to eat.”

The roshi, who has been listening to this exchange patiently, adds his perspective: “I’ve e-mailed my brother with our GPS coordinates and help will be here in a few hours. In the meanwhile, would you two like to watch Karate Kid with me on my iPhone?”
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
User avatar
cooran
Posts: 8503
Joined: Tue Jan 06, 2009 11:32 pm
Location: Queensland, Australia

Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran »

Farmer Brown had a chicken farm and he wanted to figure out which one of his three roosters was performing well and which wasn't . He went into town and bought 3 bells , each with a totally different ring tone and he tied a bell around each of his rooster's necks.

After a week of taking notes he noticed that Brewster the Rooster didn't seem to be doing anything at all , but by the sound of it the other two were doing real well . So he decided to investigate further.

To his amazement he discovers that the pullets had learned that the sound of the bell meant the arrival of a rooster and scurried away from the other two , who thus spent more time chasing and running around in circles than doing the job of servicing the pullets . However smart Brewster was carrying the bell in his beak and deadening the sound . This allowed him to sneak up on the unsuspecting pullets and do his business many times a day .

This story through Chinese whispers finally reached the newspapers and Brewster's genius was recognised and eventually he was awarded The No Bell Prize and soon after The Pullets Surprise .
=============================================
A man is driving his new sports car out in the country in the middle of nowhere when he spots a farmer standing in a huge field of beautiful green grass . He pulls over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there doing absolutely nothing , absolutely nothing at all , just staring .

So he walks all the way across the field to the farmer and says " Ah, excuse me Mister , what are you doing ? "

The farmer replies " I'm trying to win a Nobel prize "

" How ? " asked the man , puzzled

" Well , I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field "
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
User avatar
cooran
Posts: 8503
Joined: Tue Jan 06, 2009 11:32 pm
Location: Queensland, Australia

Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran »

An Air Force cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland. They were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank.
The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out.
When the commander berated the Airman for his slowness and promised punishment, the Airman responded, 'Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I have a bang on my head, I'm stationed in Greenland, a dog ran off with my coat, and I am pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just what are you going to do to punish me?'
======================================
You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left hand side there is a valley and on your right hand side there is a fire engine travelling at the same speed as you.
In front of you there is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it.
Behind you there is a helicopter flying at ground level.
Both the giant pig and the helicopter are travelling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Get off the merry-go-round - you're drunk!
======================================
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
User avatar
cooran
Posts: 8503
Joined: Tue Jan 06, 2009 11:32 pm
Location: Queensland, Australia

Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran »

In the Great Barrier Reef were two prawns named Justin and Christian who were best mates . They used to swim around and do everything together , but were always being hassled by sharks .

One day Justin said to his mate " I'm sick of being constantly hassled and chased by sharks trying to eat me for dinner , God I wish I was a bloody shark "

Suddenly a large mysterious cod appeared and said " your wish has been granted " and ' poof ' Justin turned into a large ferocious shark .

Horrified of being eaten by his mate Christian darted away and hid

Time passed , as it usually does and Justin was finding life as a shark lonely and boring . All his old mates simply swam away when he got anywhere near them .

While swimming one day , he wished he could find the cod and ask him to turn him back into a prawn. He looked for weeks and one day he spotted the cod and swam up to him and begged him to turn him back into a prawn again and lo and behold ' poof ' and he was a prawn again

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to find his friends . He took them all to the local Reef Bar and bought them all a cocktail . He looked around the bar after a few drinks and noticed that his old mate Christian was not there . " Where's Christian ? " he asked

" He's at home , still upset that his best mate had changed sides and turned into a shark

Eager to put things right and end the mutual pain and torture he set off for Christian's abode

As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back . He banged on the door and cried out " It's me Justin , your old friend , come out and see me again "

Christian replied " No way man , you'll eat me , you're a shark , you're the enemy and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner . "

Justin cried back

" No I'm not . That was the old me , I've changed ... I've found Cod , I'm a prawn again Christian "
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
User avatar
Fede
Posts: 1182
Joined: Tue Dec 30, 2008 10:33 pm
Location: The Heart of this "Green & Pleasant Land"...
Contact:

Re: Joke!!!

Post by Fede »

Jeesh, that was a lot of hard work for a cheesy one-liner....! :jumping:
"Samsara: The human condition's heartbreaking inability to sustain contentment." Elizabeth Gilbert, 'Eat, Pray, Love'.

Simplify: 17 into 1 WILL go: Mindfulness!

Quieta movere magna merces videbatur. (Sallust, c.86-c.35 BC)
Translation: Just to stir things up seemed a good reward in itself. ;)

I am sooooo happy - How on earth could I be otherwise?! :D


http://www.armchairadvice.co.uk/relationships/forum/" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;
User avatar
Fede
Posts: 1182
Joined: Tue Dec 30, 2008 10:33 pm
Location: The Heart of this "Green & Pleasant Land"...
Contact:

Re: Joke!!!

Post by Fede »

Jeesh, that was a lot of hard work for a cheesy one-liner....! :jumping:
"Samsara: The human condition's heartbreaking inability to sustain contentment." Elizabeth Gilbert, 'Eat, Pray, Love'.

Simplify: 17 into 1 WILL go: Mindfulness!

Quieta movere magna merces videbatur. (Sallust, c.86-c.35 BC)
Translation: Just to stir things up seemed a good reward in itself. ;)

I am sooooo happy - How on earth could I be otherwise?! :D


http://www.armchairadvice.co.uk/relationships/forum/" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;
User avatar
Kim OHara
Posts: 5584
Joined: Wed Dec 09, 2009 5:47 am
Location: North Queensland, Australia

Re: Joke!!!

Post by Kim OHara »

It's not quite a joke but I think this is the most obvious place to post it ...
:toast:
Kim
beer_temp.jpg
beer_temp.jpg (119.23 KiB) Viewed 2444 times
User avatar
cooran
Posts: 8503
Joined: Tue Jan 06, 2009 11:32 pm
Location: Queensland, Australia

Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran »

The three bears are casually eating their porridge one morning and out of nowhere a crazed panda runs in and shoots mummy bear.

When mummy bear was at hospital baby bear asks daddy what is a panda? Ignoring baby bear daddy bear replies by saying "look it up in the dictionary".

Baby bear looks up panda in the Oxford Dictionary, the dictionary says "a panda bear eats shoots and leaves.''
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---
User avatar
Kim OHara
Posts: 5584
Joined: Wed Dec 09, 2009 5:47 am
Location: North Queensland, Australia

Re: Joke!!!

Post by Kim OHara »

Assange a winner in the Bald Archies portrait competition:
http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2011 ... 195602.htm

:thumbsup:
Kim
Locked