Joke!!!

Casual discussion amongst spiritual friends.
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cooran
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran » Fri Nov 30, 2012 9:17 am

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal.' The other goes to a family in Spain, they name him Juan'. Years later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, ''But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.
………………………………
. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. ''But why?'' they asked, as they moved off. ''because,'' he said ''I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.''
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---

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cooran
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran » Fri Nov 30, 2012 8:10 pm

Member: Anders Honoré posted these on Facebook:

A man rushed into a busy doctor's surgery and shouted, "Doctor! I think
I'm shrinking!"

The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a
little patient."

..................................
King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.
Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it."

"But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested.

"Don't you know who I am? I am the king!"

Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."
..................................

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that...

the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
...................................

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
...................................

"A man rushed into a busy doctor's surgery and shouted, "Doctor! I think
I'm shrinking!"

The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a
little patient." - "I need you to be a little patient"? :)
....................................

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bellringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bellringers job. The bishop was incredulous, "You have no arms!"

"No matter," said the man, "Observe!"

He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo.

Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?"

"I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."
(but wait, there's more...) The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bellringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy,rushed up the stairs to his side.

"What has happened?" the first breathlessly asked, "Who is this man?" "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother.

.................................................

So this string walks into a bar and sidles up to the bar. The string bangs on the bar and shouts "Bartender! Pour me a beer"

The bartender walks over to the string and sternly says "We dont serve your kind in here." The string says "What do you mean?", so the bartender replies by pointing to a sign hanging over the bar. It reads "No strings served here", so the string leaves

As he stands outside, he gets an idea. He bends over until the top of his head is hitting the ground. He rubs his head into the cement. Then, he grabs his feet and pulls them and twists them around his body and then around his body again. Then, he re-enters the bar

"Bartender! Pour me a beer" the string demands. The bartender walks up to him and angrily says "Look! I already told you. We don't serve strings here!!". The string, looking surprised says "String? You think I'm a string?" The bartender responds "Of course you're a string. You were a string when you came in a minute ago, and you're a string now!"

"I'm a frayed knot" replied the string.
....................................................

A snail bought a new sports car. He had a big "S" painted on each door, and when people saw him tearing around town at top speed in this thing, they would say, "Look at that 'S' car go!"

.................................................


A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

.....................................................
One day an elderly man went into the unemployment office and asked for a job. The lady at the desk asked him for his credentials.

"I'm a retired clergyman. I can play the harp, banjo, and guitar. I'm a little unsuited for any manual labour; got some bad knees."

As he spoke the lady at the desk drew back from him because of his terrible breath.

"I'm sorry," she said, "we don't currently have an opening for a super calloused, fragile mystic, hexed by halitosis."
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---

corrine
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Joined: Sat Jul 23, 2011 7:33 pm

Re: Joke!!!

Post by corrine » Tue Dec 04, 2012 12:16 am

Thank you all so very much for making me smile today. What had started as a challenging time has ended in ear splitting laughter. I truly appreciate all of the light hearted humor.

corrine :jumping: :jumping: :jumping:

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cooran
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran » Thu Dec 06, 2012 9:16 am

A lady was walking down the street when she was a approached by a lady beggar asking for money.

The lady took a $20 bill out of her purse, and asked “if I give you this money will you spend it on chocolate.”
“Don’t be ridiculous” the beggar replied “does it look like I have nothing better to spend money on?”
“How about shopping?” she asked. “No,” the beggar said, “don’t you understand I need money just to stay alive.”
“Will you spend it on your hair?” the lady asked. Annoyed the beggar replied, “No, I just need money for food, and shelter.

“In that case” the lady said “I don’t want to just give you money I would like you to eat out with me and my husband tonight.”
“Why?” The beggar asked.
“Well,”the lady said “I think it’s important for him to see what a lady looks like after she gives up chocolate, shopping, and hair appointments.”
:toilet:
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---

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Kim OHara
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Location: North Queensland, Australia

Re: Joke!!!

Post by Kim OHara » Sun Dec 09, 2012 11:43 am

ATT00026.jpg
ATT00026.jpg (41.35 KiB) Viewed 3354 times

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cooran
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran » Mon Dec 10, 2012 7:36 am

Kim O'Hara wrote:
ATT00026.jpg
Hello Kim,

Cat Haiku

Seeking solitude
I am locked in the closet
For once I need you.

The food in my bowl
Is old, and more to the point
Contains no tuna.

My brain: Walnut-sized.
Yours: Largest among primates.
Yet, who leaves for work?

Most problems can be
Ignored. The more difficult
Ones can be slept through.

Your mouth is moving;
Up and down, emitting noise
I've lost interest.

So you want to play.
Will I claw at dancing string?
Your ankle is closer.

The dog wags his tail,
Seeking approval. See mine?
Different message.

Am I in your way?
You seem to have it backwards:
This pillow's taken.

My affection is conditional.
Don't stand up,
It's your lap I love.

Cats can't steal the breath
Of children. But if my tail's
Pulled again, I'll learn.

So you call this thing
Your "cat carrier." I call
These my "blades of death."

Tiny can, dumped in
Plastic bowl. Presentation,
One star; service: none.
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---

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Kim OHara
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Joined: Wed Dec 09, 2009 5:47 am
Location: North Queensland, Australia

Re: Joke!!!

Post by Kim OHara » Mon Dec 10, 2012 12:01 pm

Thanks, Chris :smile:
I will pass them on (back?) to the person who sent me the photo.

:namaste:
Kim

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Kim OHara
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Location: North Queensland, Australia

Re: Joke!!!

Post by Kim OHara » Mon Dec 17, 2012 11:18 am

Meditation on the body?
http://xkcd.com/1148/

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cooran
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran » Mon Dec 17, 2012 8:17 pm

What do you get when you cross a Jehovah’s Witness with a Zen Buddhist?

Someone who knocks on your door for no reason at all.
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---

seahorse
Posts: 24
Joined: Sun Dec 02, 2012 4:37 pm

Re: Joke!!!

Post by seahorse » Mon Dec 17, 2012 8:38 pm

Chris these are just brilliant! Loving the moggy haikus best.
Death sweeps away those who spend their lives gathering flowers
- Dhammapada 47

The only true freedom is freedom from the heart's desires;
And the only true happiness this way lies...
- Matt Johnson, The The

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Kim OHara
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Location: North Queensland, Australia

Re: Joke!!!

Post by Kim OHara » Tue Dec 18, 2012 11:59 pm

(Apologies to those who have seen this before)

MEMO: ALL STAFF

All employees planning to dash through the snow in a one horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are advised that a Risk Assessment will be required addressing the safety of an open sleigh for members of the public. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly where there are multiple passengers. Please note that permission must also be obtained in writing from landowners before their fields may be entered. To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

Benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available for collection by any shepherds planning or required to watch their flocks at night. While provision has also been made for remote monitoring of flocks by CCTV cameras from a centrally heated shepherd observation hut, all users of this facility are reminded that an emergency response plan must be submitted to account for known risks to the flocks. The angel of the lord is additionally reminded that, prior to shining his/her glory all around, s/he must confirm that all shepherds are wearing appropriate Personal Protective Equipment to account for the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.

Following last year’s well publicised case, everyone is advised that Equal Opportunities legislation prohibits any comment with regard to the redness of any part of Mr. R. Reindeer. Further to this, exclusion of Mr R Reindeer from reindeer games will be considered discriminatory and disciplinary action will be taken against those found guilty of this offence.

While it is acknowledged that gift bearing is a common practice in various parts of the world, particularly the Orient, everyone is reminded that the bearing of gifts is subject to Hospitality Guidelines and all gifts must be registered. This applies regardless of the individual, even royal personages. It is particularly noted that direct gifts of currency or gold are specifically precluded, while caution is advised regarding other common gifts such as aromatic resins that may evoke allergic reactions.

Finally, in the recent case of the infant found tucked up in a manger without any crib for a bed, Social Services have been advised and will be arriving shortly

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cooran
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran » Sun Dec 30, 2012 9:18 am

Q: What happened to the Irish man who thought about the evils of drinking in the New Year?
A: He gave up thinking.

Q: What's the problem with jogging on New Years Eve?
A: The ice falls out of your drinks!


On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready.
At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.


Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual. - Mark Twain

God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. - Author Unknown

Youth is when you're allowed to stay up late on New Year's Eve. Middle age is when you're forced to. - Bill Vaughn

People are so worried about what they eat between Christmas and the New Year, but they really should be worried about what they eat between the New Year and Christmas. - Author Unknown

An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves. - Billy Vaughn

Ten Indications of a New Year Hangover
1. You get it into your head that chirping birds are the Devil's pets.
2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "Stay still."
3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as drinking a glass of fresh paint.
4. The bathroom reminds you of the fairground cry, "Step right up and give it whirl!"
5. You'd rather chew tacks than be exposed to sunlight.
6. You set aside an entire afternoon to spend some quality time with your toilet.
7. You replace the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.
8. Your catch phrase is, "Never again."
9. You could purchase a new fridge on the proceeds from recycling the bottles around your bed.
10. Your new response to "Good morning," is "Be quiet!"
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---

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Kim OHara
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Joined: Wed Dec 09, 2009 5:47 am
Location: North Queensland, Australia

Re: Joke!!!

Post by Kim OHara » Mon Dec 31, 2012 7:40 am

Practice makes perfect ...
http://xkcd.com/1154/

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cooran
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Location: Queensland, Australia

Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran » Fri Jan 04, 2013 9:04 pm

The Cat’s New Year’s resolutions

Find out which bad habits The Cat will be breaking this year with her list of funny New Year’s resolutions.

1. I will no longer sleep on my owner's head throughout the night, in hopes that she will get up to feed me at awful hours, such as 3 a.m. I will patiently wait at the bottom of the bed, on the blanket she has so thoughtfully placed there, until she wakes up at a decent time.

2. I will refrain from pestering my owner when she is writing on the computer, reading the newspaper, or playing the keyboard. I apologize for my bad habit of sitting in front of the monitor, laying in the middle of whatever she is reading, and hopping on the keyboard keys as she is playing the keyboard. I will sit patiently by her feet and wait for her attention.

3. I will wait for my bathroom and outdoor breaks when it is convenient for my owner. There will be no more wanting out during a romantic moment or when she is in the shower. I will wait for her to let me out.

4. I will try to refrain from visiting my owner while she is in the bathtub. I am aware that I have a bad habit of sitting on the ledge of the tub, and looking gorgeous. I was not aware that this distracts my owner from her relaxing bubble bath, because she is afraid I will either knock the candle over or end up in the bathtub with her.

5. I will no longer hitch a ride to the grocery store with my owner. Although I love to ride in cars, I know it is distracting to have to turn the car around to take me back home.

6. Dry cat food is both tasty and nutritious, and it is always available. I will not starve myself and act pitiful all day long in anticipation of the canned food.

7. And finally, I will not play Herd of Thundering Wildebeests Stampeding Across the Plains of the Serengeti over my owner’s bed while she is attempting to sleep.
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---

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cooran
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Joined: Tue Jan 06, 2009 11:32 pm
Location: Queensland, Australia

Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran » Wed Jan 09, 2013 9:56 pm

Not actually a joke - but it raised a smile eventually. :smile:

Love Story

I will seek and find you.

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.

I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I’m finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days….

All my love,
The Flu

Now get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot!!!!
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---

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