Joke!!!

Casual discussion amongst spiritual friends.
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cooran
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Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran » Fri Mar 04, 2011 8:05 pm

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up!
Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---

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cooran
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Location: Queensland, Australia

Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran » Mon Mar 07, 2011 7:26 am

Two brothers were always getting into trouble in their neighborhood.

The people in the neighborhood started complaining to the parents about the boys.
So the boys parents decided to have their priest talk to the boys.

The priest asks to speak to the boys alone, requesting to see the youngest first.

The young boy comes in and sits at a large table across the room from the priest.
The priest looks at the boy, points at him and, trying to emphasize that God is in everyone, asks, "Where is God?"
The boy looks around the room and back at the priest and says nothing.
Again, the priest points at the boy and in a louder voice asks, "Where is God?" The boy says nothing.
The priest walks around the table, pointing inches from the boy’s face and asks again, "Where is God?"

The boy jumps out of his chair and runs out the door.

The boy runs right home, grabs his older brother and says to him, "We are in BIG trouble!"
His brother replies, "We haven't done anything!"
The younger brother replies, "God's missing, and they think we did it!"
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---

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mikenz66
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Location: Aotearoa, New Zealand

Re: Joke!!!

Post by mikenz66 » Fri Mar 11, 2011 6:48 am

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbour and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbour asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver-haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbour decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then”, he said with a deep sigh …


"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

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cooran
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Location: Queensland, Australia

Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran » Sun Mar 20, 2011 8:05 am

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---

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cooran
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Joined: Tue Jan 06, 2009 11:32 pm
Location: Queensland, Australia

Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran » Mon Mar 21, 2011 7:43 am

The Price Of Gas In France

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre.

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime yet make such an obvious error, he replied, “Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.”

I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.

See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else.

I posted it for you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse.
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---

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pilgrim
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Joined: Mon Oct 19, 2009 2:56 pm

Re: Joke!!!

Post by pilgrim » Mon Mar 21, 2011 9:15 am

An English prisoner of war was held by the Germans.
The Englishman was shot all over the place, and okay until one day when the German told him, "Englander, your arm is infected with gangrene we must cut it off.
"The English prisoner said, "Well, okay, but could you drop it over England when you go bombing.
"The German replied, "Ya, that vill not be a problem.
"A few weeks later the German tells the Englishman that they have to cut his other arm off.
The Englishman says, "Well, could drop it over England like you did last time.
""Ya, that will be done," says the German.
The next day the German tells him that they have to cut his leg off.
Once again the Brit says, "Well, could you do the same as before.
"The German replies, " ya.
"The next the German tells him they have to cut his other leg.
"Well," begins the Brit, "could you just..."The German snapped, "No! We think you are trying to escape!."

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cooran
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Location: Queensland, Australia

Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran » Tue Mar 22, 2011 9:37 am

Wiremu , a New Zulander was in Australia to watch the Bledisloe Cup and was not feeling well so he went to a Doctor .

" Hey Doc I dun't feel so good ey " said Wiremu
After a thorough examination the Doctor advised him that he had existing and advanced prostrate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal
" No way Doc " Wiremu replied " I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey "

The second Aussie Doctor gave him the same diagnosis and said that the only cure was testicular removal .
Not surprisingly Wiremu refused the treatment.

He was devastated but was in a lot of pain and with the Bledisloe Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi Doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust.

The Kiwi Doc examined him and said " Wiremu Cuzzy bro you huv prostrate suckness ey "
" What's the cure then Doc ? " asked Wiremu , hoping for a different answer
" Wull Wiremu " said the Kiwi Doctor " Wi're gonna huv ta cut off your balls. "
" Phew , thunk God fer thut ! " said Wiremu , " Those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me "
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---

PeterB
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Joined: Tue Feb 17, 2009 12:35 pm

Re: Joke!!!

Post by PeterB » Tue Mar 22, 2011 3:46 pm

Two onions meet in a greengrocers and fall in love.
They make their escape...elope and get married.
After a while there comes the patter of tiny tendrils and they become parents to little Joey Onion.
One day Joey is playing with his ball in the garden when it goes over the fence..little Joey runs after it and is hit by a car
His parents are at the hospital waiting for news..a doctor approaches them.
" Mr and Mrs Onion, I have some good news and some bad news " says the doctor.
"Little Joey will live....but he's going to be a vegetable the rest of his life."

PeterB
Posts: 3909
Joined: Tue Feb 17, 2009 12:35 pm

Re: Joke!!!

Post by PeterB » Tue Mar 22, 2011 3:50 pm

Q) Why do squirrels float on their backs ?
A ) So they wont get their nuts wet.

Jhana4
Posts: 1309
Joined: Sat Feb 05, 2011 5:20 pm
Location: U.S.A., Northeast

Re: Joke!!!

Post by Jhana4 » Tue Mar 22, 2011 4:28 pm

PeterB wrote:Q) Why do squirrels float on their backs ?
A ) So they wont get their nuts wet.
+ 1
In reading the scriptures, there are two kinds of mistakes:
One mistake is to cling to the literal text and miss the inner principles.
The second mistake is to recognize the principles but not apply them to your own mind, so that you waste time and just make them into causes of entanglement.

Jhana4
Posts: 1309
Joined: Sat Feb 05, 2011 5:20 pm
Location: U.S.A., Northeast

Re: Joke!!!

Post by Jhana4 » Tue Mar 22, 2011 4:30 pm

Why don't Buddhist vacuum their corners?

They have no attachments.
In reading the scriptures, there are two kinds of mistakes:
One mistake is to cling to the literal text and miss the inner principles.
The second mistake is to recognize the principles but not apply them to your own mind, so that you waste time and just make them into causes of entanglement.

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Kim OHara
Posts: 4999
Joined: Wed Dec 09, 2009 5:47 am
Location: North Queensland, Australia

Re: Joke!!!

Post by Kim OHara » Wed Mar 23, 2011 7:48 am

In case you haven't got xkcd bookmarked (yet), here's one with considerable Buddhist resonance:
http://xkcd.com/876/

:namaste:
Kim

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octathlon
Posts: 599
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Location: USA

Re: Joke!!!

Post by octathlon » Sat Mar 26, 2011 2:15 am

"Ugh, look at how these young people dress nowadays. Check out that teenager--the clothes, the hair, you can't tell if it's a guy or a girl!"

"It's a girl."

"And how do you know?"

"Because she's my daughter."

"Oh, sorry! I didn't realize you were her father!"

"I'm her mother."

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cooran
Posts: 8504
Joined: Tue Jan 06, 2009 11:32 pm
Location: Queensland, Australia

Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran » Sun Mar 27, 2011 6:51 am

For Coffee Drinkers: You know you are addicted to coffee if ...

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

You sleep with your eyes open.

You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

You chew on other people's fingernails.

The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.

You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.

You can jump-start your car without cables.

You don't sweat, you percolate.

You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

People get dizzy just watching you.

Instant coffee takes too long.

You channel surf faster without a remote.

You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

You can outlast the Energizer bunny.

You short out motion detectors.

You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

You help your dog chase its tail.

You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an I.V. hookup.

You ski uphill.

You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

You answer the door before people knock.

You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---

User avatar
cooran
Posts: 8504
Joined: Tue Jan 06, 2009 11:32 pm
Location: Queensland, Australia

Re: Joke!!!

Post by cooran » Sat Apr 02, 2011 6:59 am

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing, "We missed the "R" ! , we missed the "R" !"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, Bhante?"

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was... CELEBRATE !!! "
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---

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