Sexual misconduct

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Warrior_monk1
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Sexual misconduct

Post by Warrior_monk1 » Fri Apr 06, 2018 7:01 pm

Dear Dhamma,

In the past I have been addicted to pornography and it's not suitable for a as a person. It makes me sad, my grades decline and there is not true or authentic love. I want to stop this forever and it makes me sad when I think of it. What are positive alternatives? Do you guys have any mantra's? I want to have more clarity and a positive life :anjali:

I already started running and martial arts to feel more positive, but that's not enough. I feel that I need to become a better person.

Thank you!

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BasementBuddhist
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Re: Sexual misconduct

Post by BasementBuddhist » Sat Apr 07, 2018 3:40 am

Cutting out Porn is difficult, although I wouldn't say I'm addicted. You do start to feel really sleazy and f*** up after enough days of watching, especially if you're into something rough. If, like me, you aren't ready to swear a vow of Chastity or stop masturbating, mostly instead of porn just try to fantasize about things that are less destructive than what porn shows. Things that are loving, but still sexually satisfying. Alternatively you can just focus on the sensations you are feeling without a lot of visualizing or porn. It's hard at first, but once you get a handle on it, it's all good. Masturbate in places without internet access so you can't watch porn. Hmm. Watch different kinds of porn, maybe?

If you want to go all out and stop masturbating, try spending time with other people more. It's hard to masturbate when your hanging out with others. Get out of the house. If you have a cell phone, leave it somewhere that isn't close by when you might be tempted to look at lusty things.

Or, you know, help others more in your free time, then you can look at all the totally nude nudes you want and still feel like you are on the up and up.

It seems to me that this is more about you feeling bad. Why should you feel bad? Humans are sexual beings. It is what it is.

If it is about making progress as a Buddhist, then simply focus on eliminating lust, not porn. Focus on peoples dirty assholes. Nothing does away with lust like that. Focus on how squishy and gross human bodies really are. Honestly, human beings sweat through their skin! We're like, one of the naturally stinkiest animals if we don't bathe. We don't even have the good sense to pant. Lets see, Not to mention all the disease. Plus, when you finally do have sex with people, half the time it isn't that great, and it isn't even that much of a rush. Huge pain in the ass, really. Socially awkward. I mean, honestly, it isn't even that great of a way to secure the next generation. Sponges have the right idea, with budding and all. The traditional Buddhist way is to focus on how gross humans are, or to try and see everyone as your brother and sister. It's hard to get turned on when you are visualizing someone as your little sister or imagining what they looked like when they were small.

Saengnapha
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Re: Sexual misconduct

Post by Saengnapha » Sat Apr 07, 2018 4:21 am

Warrior_monk1 wrote:
Fri Apr 06, 2018 7:01 pm
Dear Dhamma,

In the past I have been addicted to pornography and it's not suitable for a as a person. It makes me sad, my grades decline and there is not true or authentic love. I want to stop this forever and it makes me sad when I think of it. What are positive alternatives? Do you guys have any mantra's? I want to have more clarity and a positive life :anjali:

I already started running and martial arts to feel more positive, but that's not enough. I feel that I need to become a better person.

Thank you!
It takes less than a second to change your orientation from porn to the experience of how you feel. There is no judgement in how you feel in this present moment, but it is important to engage that feeling and know it to be painful. When you know putting your hand into a fire will burn you, you refrain from doing it. It is the same with any habit if you have the attention for it. Some call it mindfulness, some call it awareness. Doesn't matter what you call it. Try it.

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DooDoot
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Re: Sexual misconduct

Post by DooDoot » Sat Apr 07, 2018 6:20 am

Warrior_monk1 wrote:
Fri Apr 06, 2018 7:01 pm
....there is not true or authentic love.
Above is the answer. However, its worse than inauthentic love, let alone non-love. It kills people. If it didn't kill people, careers in porn would last a long time, porn actors would not be addicted to all kinds of drugs & you and others would not be struggling with it. Its poison. Avoid it, totally, like it doesn't exist. Don't even include it in some sphere of 'compassion'.

chownah
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Re: Sexual misconduct

Post by chownah » Sat Apr 07, 2018 7:03 am

DooDoot wrote:
Sat Apr 07, 2018 6:20 am
If it didn't kill people, careers in porn would last a long time,
Seems like you are saying that people end their acting in porn because they die from it. I think this is not correct. I think they end their career because their body looses its attraction as it ages.
chownah

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DooDoot
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Re: Sexual misconduct

Post by DooDoot » Sat Apr 07, 2018 7:26 am

chownah wrote:
Sat Apr 07, 2018 7:03 am
Seems like you are saying that people end their acting in porn because they die from it. I think this is not correct.
I think what i posted is correct:
Heedfulness is the path to the Deathless. Heedlessness is the path to death. The heedful die not. The heedless are as if dead already.

Dhammapada
I watched a documentary recently, which said the average "career" span for young ladies who try porn is 3 months. However, i was referring to the drug addiction epidemics as a "killer" or "murderer".
Last edited by DooDoot on Sat Apr 07, 2018 7:36 am, edited 1 time in total.

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rightviewftw
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Re: Sexual misconduct

Post by rightviewftw » Sat Apr 07, 2018 7:35 am

If you just want to quit porn, the only thing you can do is no porn reboots, doing no porn challenges 7 to 360 days etc..

Hardmode (no porn, masturbation, orgasm) will be a lot more effective but also a lot harder.

Imo you will never rewire fully the way you seem to want it, as in going back to vanilla sexuality and starting over.

You can however learn to manage your sexuality and that would entail accepting the conditioning of sexuality and all that comes with it including liking of porn.

A better option is destroying sexuality completely, destroying the craving for the feelings derived from sexuality.

The Satipatthana and The Perceptions are your most effective tools either way.
Last edited by rightviewftw on Sat Apr 07, 2018 7:39 am, edited 1 time in total.
How to Destroy any addiction
How to Meditate: Satipatthana Mahasi
Медитация Сатипаттхана Випассана
How To Develop Factors of Enlightenment & Perceptions
Ven. Kutukurunde Nanananda's (Developing Metta)
Tyranny of Words - An Introduction to General Semantics
Dhammatalks categorized by topic @ video.sirimangalo.org/
Ledi Sayadaw's Anapana Dipani (Samatha) @ ffmt.fr/articles/maitres/LediS/anapana-dipani.ledi-sayadaw.pdf
Parallel Dhammapada @ myweb.ncku.edu.tw/~lsn46/tipitaka/sutta/khuddaka/dhammapada/dhp-contrast-reading/dhp-contrast-reading-en/

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DooDoot
Posts: 1862
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Re: Sexual misconduct

Post by DooDoot » Sat Apr 07, 2018 7:43 am

rightviewftw wrote:
Sat Apr 07, 2018 7:35 am
Imo you will never rewire fully the way you seem to want it, as in going back to vanilla sexuality and starting over.
I think this comment affirms itself (since most Dhamma people don't even know what the term "vanilla sexuality" means). I had to look it up on the internet. Its seems "vanilla sexuality" is also outside the sphere of Dhamma. However, I personally have faith in the nirodha dhatu & recovery. Just avoid it like a plague. Avoid sexual slang, such as "vanilla sex". Practise right speech. Meet some nice girls; hang out with some normal women. Discover how women actually want committed relationship. Learn pornography is 'anti-woman'. Have compassion & metta for women. :heart:

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LG2V
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Re: Sexual misconduct

Post by LG2V » Sat Apr 07, 2018 4:55 pm

Maybe just stop watching people have sex with other people. Watching nude women by themselves should be fine, or at least, much less of a problem than the hardcore stuff. And pay for it if you do, or at least go to sites that ethically provide it for free (not tube sites).
Here are some excellent sites for giving free Dana (Click-Based Donation):
http://freerice.comhttp://greatergood.com/www.ripple.orgwww.thenonprofits.com

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aflatun
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Location: Bay Area, CA

Re: Sexual misconduct

Post by aflatun » Sat Apr 07, 2018 6:29 pm

Warrior_monk1 wrote:
Fri Apr 06, 2018 7:01 pm
I want to stop this forever and it makes me sad when I think of it. What are positive alternatives?
Positive alternatives are useful, no doubt. But I prefer the nuclear approach when I can manage it.

If you can learn to endure pain you can eradicate any behavior. Refraining from the indulgence reveals the suffering that the indulgence appeases...we turn towards sensual pleasure to appease unpleasant feelings, do we not? Contemplate this until its clear, then allow the unpleasant feeling to just be there, abandon all pretension to be able to "fix-it", and go on with your day.

The extent to which you can tolerate that suffering-abandoning any pretension to "fix it"-is the extent to which the attraction of that indulgence will lose its force.
"People often get too quick to say 'there's no self. There's no self...no self...no self.' There is self, there is focal point, its not yours. That's what not self is."

Ninoslav Ñāṇamoli
Senses and the Thought-1, 42:53

"Those who create constructs about the Buddha,
Who is beyond construction and without exhaustion,
Are thereby damaged by their constructs;
They fail to see the Thus-Gone.

That which is the nature of the Thus-Gone
Is also the nature of this world.
There is no nature of the Thus-Gone.
There is no nature of the world."

Nagarjuna
MMK XXII.15-16

Garrib
Posts: 438
Joined: Mon May 30, 2016 8:35 pm

Re: Sexual misconduct

Post by Garrib » Sat Apr 07, 2018 7:06 pm

"Just do it" - Many, including myself, have stamped this bad habit out...There is something to be said for sheer determination and will, but be sure to go about this skillfully (that means understanding and compassion for yourself AND clearly recognizing the dangers of continuing to indulge). The Buddha offers many tools for helping you with this - mindfulness and clear comprehension, asubha meditations (be careful though), body part contemplation, contemplation of death/impermanence, contemplation of the Buddha (The Buddha have zero addictions and are never tempted in the slightest to indulge in unwholesome things...just think of that freedom, how blissful that must be!!), etc etc....

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Polar Bear
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Location: Bear Republic

Re: Sexual misconduct

Post by Polar Bear » Sat Apr 07, 2018 7:22 pm

Check out the old thread here on dhammawheel Porn Free for 90 Days and the website from that thread Your Brain on Porn

:anjali:
"I don't envision a single thing that, when developed & cultivated, leads to such great benefit as the mind. The mind, when developed & cultivated, leads to great benefit."

"I don't envision a single thing that, when undeveloped & uncultivated, brings about such suffering & stress as the mind. The mind, when undeveloped & uncultivated, brings about suffering & stress."

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