Advice for getting over being humiliated?

[LG2V]

I've been exploring my feelings a bit, and I've just realized that a lot of my anger stems from feelings of humiliation. Other people were bad, insulting, etc. And I've never really recovered my full sense of pride since. I've just recently noticed this problem, and I'd like to move on from it. Can you guys give me advice on how to overcome feelings of humiliation and move on with life?

[Lucas Oliveira]

Verse 3. Uncontrolled Hatred Leads to Harm

Who bears within them enmity:
"He has abused and beaten me,
defeated me and plundered me",
hate is not allayed for them.

Explanation: When a person holds that he was insulted, assaulted, defeated, or robbed, his anger continues to increase. The anger such a person has no way of subsiding. The more he goes over his imaginary trouble the greater becomes his desire to avenge it.


Verse 4. Overcoming Anger

Who bears within no enmity:
"He has abused and beaten me,
defeated me and plundered me",
hate is quite allayed for them.

Explanation: Living in human society, people often quarrel with one another. When such conflicts occur, people often keep thinking about the wrongs done to them by others. When that happens, their anger tends to grow. But in those who forgive and forget the wrongs done to them, anger quickly vanishes. They are then at peace.


Verse 5. Hatred is Overcome Only by Non-hatred

Never here by enmity
are those with enmity allayed,
they are allayed by amity,
this is the timeless Truth.

Explanation: Those who attempt to conquer hatred by hatred are like warriors who take weapons to overcome others who bear arms. This does not end hatred, but gives it room to grow. But, ancient wisdom has advocated a different timeless strategy to overcome hatred. This eternal wisdom is to meet hatred with non-hatred. The method is of overcoming hatred through non-hatred is eternally effective. That is why that method is described as eternal wisdom.


Verse 6. Recollection of Death Brings Peace

Still others do not understand
that we must perish in this world,
those who understand this,
there quarrels are allayed.

Explanation: Most of us are not prepared to face the reality of impermanence and death. It is because we forget this fact that our lives are transitory, that we quarrel with each other, as if we are going to live for ever. But, if we face the fact of death, our quarrels will come to an end. We will then realize the folly of fighting when we ourselves are doomed to die. Excited by emotions our thoughts being clouded, we cannot see the truth about life. When we see the truth, however, our thoughts become free of emotions.

http://www.buddhanet.net/dhammapada/d_twin.htm

[DooDoot]

Humiliation appears to be similar to shame & remorse. To be free from humiliation, it is probably ideal to have a clear sense of moral "right & wrong". For example, if you clearly understood insulting others was "wrong", insults would not bother you so much because you would view the insulter as doing very bad kamma for themself. In the Buddhist development of equanimity, it is instructed to reflect: "All beings are heirs to their actions...whatever they do for good or for ill they will be the heirs". In short, we must try to not allow mean-spirited & nasty people drag us down.

Also, taking refuge in the Buddha, Dhamma & Sangha can be helpful because instead of thinking about what worldly people think about you, you can start to imagine how the loving & compassionate Buddha or Enlightened Buddhist would act towards you.

In general, doing good kamma & clearly knowing doing good kamma is the right thing is conducive to self-respect. Good kamma generates self-respect.

[LG2V]

Thanks guys. I'll reflect on your advice. I've come to learn that simply "not being angry" and having control over one's emotions is a form of wisdom that is precious to have. I suppose that one of my problems is a damaged sense of self-worth and esteem, coupled with the persistent belief that these people "were right", or at least, "not wrong" to do the things that I got angry over, despite the fact that they were wrong to a large extent. I got (figuratively) pummeled with cheap shots.

It was basically a scenario in which the majority of people agreed upon doing something that I considered very disrespectful, degrading and humiliating, and they were rather unapologetic about it, despite me having been nice to them and doing great favors for them. I was found at fault for shouting angrily at them, and that led to this negative feedback loop of remorse and shame.

I cut them off and moved on with life, and I did rather well without them. I then decided to go it alone for a while, due to my lack of trust for others and my desire for self-sufficiency. Looking back, I think that was a mistake, and I should have been more sociable after cutting off those old relationships; I still had a good number of friends and acquaintances, but I was weary of socializing in general.

I never got the proper chance to talk things out with people and fully enjoy myself. I've been doing things by myself for quite a while, and despite its benefits, I think that I would now do better to seek out more friends. I'm older and wiser in some ways, but maybe I've arrested my development to some extent. Thanks for letting me speak with you all. It helps quite a bit.

[Lucas Oliveira]

Thanks for letting me speak with you all. It helps quite a bit.

I already did 3 years of therapy. just talking about my problems, about what bothered me, it helped me a lot.

and I think about going back to therapy.

[chownah]

One nice thing about not indulging in the delusional self is that humiliation does not occur or if it does occur it is quickly recognized as not being self and it just vanishes.
chownah

[binocular]

I've been exploring my feelings a bit, and I've just realized that a lot of my anger stems from feelings of humiliation. Other people were bad, insulting, etc. And I've never really recovered my full sense of pride since. I've just recently noticed this problem, and I'd like to move on from it. Can you guys give me advice on how to overcome feelings of humiliation and move on with life?

But do you really need to overcome those feelings of humiliation in order to move on?
Based on what do you believe that such is a need?

In order, for example, to prepare a wholesome breakfast and eat it, do you need to overcome those feelings of humiliation?
Or, in order to do your work well, do you need to overcome those feelings of humiliation?
Or, in order to do go out for lunch with an acquaintance, do you need to overcome those feelings of humiliation?

It was basically a scenario in which the majority of people agreed upon doing something that I considered very disrespectful, degrading and humiliating, and they were rather unapologetic about it, despite me having been nice to them and doing great favors for them. I was found at fault for shouting angrily at them, and that led to this negative feedback loop of remorse and shame.

Are you ever able to be kind to others without this kindness coming at the cost of your self-respect?
Are you ever able to be kind to others without this kindness feeling like it costs you an arm and a leg?


You don't have to answer here, of course, those are just some questions meant for reflection.

[pegembara]

In most cases the humiliating situation happened only once. If one keeps replaying the scenario over and over again, one is merely repeating the humiliation. Who do you think is responsible for the repeated humiliation? Who is the one really responsible for the pain and hurt? If something causes hurt why bother to keep picking it up?

[LG2V]

I already did 3 years of therapy. just talking about my problems, about what bothered me, it helped me a lot.

and I think about going back to therapy.

Yeah, definitely. I think that therapy could help me a lot. I should talk with friends more, too.

One nice thing about not indulging in the delusional self is that humiliation does not occur or if it does occur it is quickly recognized as not being self and it just vanishes.
chownah

Excellent point. I should reflect on anatta more.

In most cases the humiliating situation happened only once. If one keeps replaying the scenario over and over again, one is merely repeating the humiliation. Who do you think is responsible for the repeated humiliation? Who is the one really responsible for the pain and hurt? If something causes hurt why bother to keep picking it up?

This is true. My thoughts are that I keep picking up this issue because my feelings and emotions about it are still unresolved. I supposed that I'm seeking something in these memories that I currently lack in the present. Maybe I desire closure, but more than likely I desire a close group of friends.

You're right. Just asserting the notion in my mind that I can move on, and that the past is over, helps make things more peaceful for me.

[auto]

Earth field is affecting all things on planet. Solar system affects earth. There is a period where you degrade into a punching bag in order to give correct response, but things doesn't have to go that far. Imho that's why to meditate to have merit to get correct responses before they get real. Mental torment for one day should take a way future bad severe real life events unless you have a lot in debt that you still need go through some bad events in RL.

[Mkoll]

This sutta may help.

"Monks, these eight worldly conditions spin after the world, and the world spins after these eight worldly conditions. Which eight? Gain, loss, status, disgrace, censure, praise, pleasure, & pain. These are the eight worldly conditions that spin after the world, and the world spins after these eight worldly conditions.

"For an uninstructed run-of-the-mill person there arise gain, loss, status, disgrace, censure, praise, pleasure, & pain. For a well-instructed disciple of the noble ones there also arise gain, loss, status, disgrace, censure, praise, pleasure, & pain. So what difference, what distinction, what distinguishing factor is there between the well-instructed disciple of the noble ones and the uninstructed run-of-the-mill person?"

"For us, lord, the teachings have the Blessed One as their root, their guide, & their arbitrator. It would be good if the Blessed One himself would explicate the meaning of this statement. Having heard it from the Blessed One, the monks will remember it."

"In that case, monks, listen & pay close attention. I will speak."

"As you say, lord," the monks responded.

The Blessed One said, "Gain arises for an uninstructed run-of-the-mill person. He does not reflect, 'Gain has arisen for me. It is inconstant, stressful, & subject to change.' He does not discern it as it actually is.

"Loss arises... Status arises... Disgrace arises... Censure arises... Praise arises... Pleasure arises...

"Pain arises. He does not reflect, 'Pain has arisen for me. It is inconstant, stressful, & subject to change.' He does not discern it as it actually is.

"His mind remains consumed with the gain. His mind remains consumed with the loss... with the status... the disgrace... the censure... the praise... the pleasure. His mind remains consumed with the pain.

"He welcomes the arisen gain and rebels against the arisen loss. He welcomes the arisen status and rebels against the arisen disgrace. He welcomes the arisen praise and rebels against the arisen censure. He welcomes the arisen pleasure and rebels against the arisen pain. As he is thus engaged in welcoming & rebelling, he is not released from birth, aging, or death; from sorrows, lamentations, pains, distresses, or despairs. He is not released, I tell you, from suffering & stress.

"Now, gain arises for a well-instructed disciple of the noble ones. He reflects, 'Gain has arisen for me. It is inconstant, stressful, & subject to change.' He discerns it as it actually is.

"Loss arises... Status arises... Disgrace arises... Censure arises... Praise arises... Pleasure arises...

"Pain arises. He reflects, 'Pain has arisen for me. It is inconstant, stressful, & subject to change.' He discerns it as it actually is.

"His mind does not remain consumed with the gain. His mind does not remain consumed with the loss... with the status... the disgrace... the censure... the praise... the pleasure. His mind does not remain consumed with the pain.

"He does not welcome the arisen gain, or rebel against the arisen loss. He does not welcome the arisen status, or rebel against the arisen disgrace. He does not welcome the arisen praise, or rebel against the arisen censure. He does not welcome the arisen pleasure, or rebel against the arisen pain. As he thus abandons welcoming & rebelling, he is released from birth, aging, & death; from sorrows, lamentations, pains, distresses, & despairs. He is released, I tell you, from suffering & stress.

"This is the difference, this the distinction, this the distinguishing factor between the well-instructed disciple of the noble ones and the uninstructed run-of-the-mill person."


Gain/loss,
status/disgrace,
censure/praise,
pleasure/pain:
these conditions among human beings
are inconstant,
impermanent,
subject to change.

Knowing this, the wise person, mindful,
ponders these changing conditions.
Desirable things don't charm the mind,
undesirable ones bring no resistance.

His welcoming
& rebelling are scattered,
gone to their end,
do not exist.
Knowing the dustless, sorrowless state,
he discerns rightly,
has gone, beyond becoming,
to the Further Shore.

Nobody, not even a Buddha, is immune to the "8 Worldly Winds." One is bound to experience these things.

[User1249x]

Reflect on what is shameful and what is not shameful,
Whatever they did to you might not be all that shameful in the Discipline of the Noble One's.

Also when you recall those events or think about things connected to this condition you should be mindful, establishing mindfulness and observe whats going on as it appears to you. If unwholesome painful states assail you in based on those concepts you should investigate those as well.

If it pains you a lot you can divert your thinking by picking up a wholesome theme for the mind, The Buddha, Dhamma, The Sangha or anything related to Holy Life and awesomeness.

There are more advice on controlling distracting thoughts in suttas with same title.

[dharmacorps]

You could also look at this from Anatta. Who and where is the self being humiliated? They won't be found.

[bodom]

I've been exploring my feelings a bit, and I've just realized that a lot of my anger stems from feelings of humiliation. Other people were bad, insulting, etc. And I've never really recovered my full sense of pride since. I've just recently noticed this problem, and I'd like to move on from it. Can you guys give me advice on how to overcome feelings of humiliation and move on with life?

Keep this very important sutta in mind:

In the same way, monks, there are these five aspects of speech by which others may address you: timely or untimely, true or false, affectionate or harsh, beneficial or unbeneficial, with a mind of good-will or with inner hate. Others may address you in a timely way or an untimely way. They may address you with what is true or what is false. They may address you in an affectionate way or a harsh way. They may address you in a beneficial way or an unbeneficial way. They may address you with a mind of good-will or with inner hate. In any event, you should train yourselves: 'Our minds will be unaffected and we will say no evil words. We will remain sympathetic to that person's welfare, with a mind of good will, and with no inner hate. We will keep pervading him with an awareness imbued with good will and, beginning with him, we will keep pervading the all-encompassing world with an awareness imbued with good will equal to a catskin bag — abundant, expansive, immeasurable, free from hostility, free from ill will.' That's how you should train yourselves.

"Monks, even if bandits were to carve you up savagely, limb by limb, with a two-handled saw, he among you who let his heart get angered even at that would not be doing my bidding. Even then you should train yourselves: 'Our minds will be unaffected and we will say no evil words. We will remain sympathetic, with a mind of good will, and with no inner hate. We will keep pervading these people with an awareness imbued with good will and, beginning with them, we will keep pervading the all-encompassing world with an awareness imbued with good will — abundant, expansive, immeasurable, free from hostility, free from ill will.' That's how you should train yourselves.

"Monks, if you attend constantly to this admonition on the simile of the saw, do you see any aspects of speech, slight or gross, that you could not endure?"

"No, lord."

"Then attend constantly to this admonition on the simile of the saw. That will be for your long-term welfare & happiness."

That is what the Blessed One said. Gratified, the monks delighted in the Blessed One's words.

https://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitak ... .than.html

[LG2V]

Earth field is affecting all things on planet. Solar system affects earth. There is a period where you degrade into a punching bag in order to give correct response, but things doesn't have to go that far. Imho that's why to meditate to have merit to get correct responses before they get real. Mental torment for one day should take a way future bad severe real life events unless you have a lot in debt that you still need go through some bad events in RL.

This sutta may help.

"Monks, these eight worldly conditions spin after the world, and the world spins after these eight worldly conditions. Which eight? Gain, loss, status, disgrace, censure, praise, pleasure, & pain. These are the eight worldly conditions that spin after the world, and the world spins after these eight worldly conditions.

"For an uninstructed run-of-the-mill person there arise gain, loss, status, disgrace, censure, praise, pleasure, & pain. For a well-instructed disciple of the noble ones there also arise gain, loss, status, disgrace, censure, praise, pleasure, & pain. So what difference, what distinction, what distinguishing factor is there between the well-instructed disciple of the noble ones and the uninstructed run-of-the-mill person?"

"For us, lord, the teachings have the Blessed One as their root, their guide, & their arbitrator. It would be good if the Blessed One himself would explicate the meaning of this statement. Having heard it from the Blessed One, the monks will remember it."

"In that case, monks, listen & pay close attention. I will speak."

"As you say, lord," the monks responded.

The Blessed One said, "Gain arises for an uninstructed run-of-the-mill person. He does not reflect, 'Gain has arisen for me. It is inconstant, stressful, & subject to change.' He does not discern it as it actually is.

"Loss arises... Status arises... Disgrace arises... Censure arises... Praise arises... Pleasure arises...

"Pain arises. He does not reflect, 'Pain has arisen for me. It is inconstant, stressful, & subject to change.' He does not discern it as it actually is.

"His mind remains consumed with the gain. His mind remains consumed with the loss... with the status... the disgrace... the censure... the praise... the pleasure. His mind remains consumed with the pain.

"He welcomes the arisen gain and rebels against the arisen loss. He welcomes the arisen status and rebels against the arisen disgrace. He welcomes the arisen praise and rebels against the arisen censure. He welcomes the arisen pleasure and rebels against the arisen pain. As he is thus engaged in welcoming & rebelling, he is not released from birth, aging, or death; from sorrows, lamentations, pains, distresses, or despairs. He is not released, I tell you, from suffering & stress.

"Now, gain arises for a well-instructed disciple of the noble ones. He reflects, 'Gain has arisen for me. It is inconstant, stressful, & subject to change.' He discerns it as it actually is.

"Loss arises... Status arises... Disgrace arises... Censure arises... Praise arises... Pleasure arises...

"Pain arises. He reflects, 'Pain has arisen for me. It is inconstant, stressful, & subject to change.' He discerns it as it actually is.

"His mind does not remain consumed with the gain. His mind does not remain consumed with the loss... with the status... the disgrace... the censure... the praise... the pleasure. His mind does not remain consumed with the pain.

"He does not welcome the arisen gain, or rebel against the arisen loss. He does not welcome the arisen status, or rebel against the arisen disgrace. He does not welcome the arisen praise, or rebel against the arisen censure. He does not welcome the arisen pleasure, or rebel against the arisen pain. As he thus abandons welcoming & rebelling, he is released from birth, aging, & death; from sorrows, lamentations, pains, distresses, & despairs. He is released, I tell you, from suffering & stress.

"This is the difference, this the distinction, this the distinguishing factor between the well-instructed disciple of the noble ones and the uninstructed run-of-the-mill person."


Gain/loss,
status/disgrace,
censure/praise,
pleasure/pain:
these conditions among human beings
are inconstant,
impermanent,
subject to change.

Knowing this, the wise person, mindful,
ponders these changing conditions.
Desirable things don't charm the mind,
undesirable ones bring no resistance.

His welcoming
& rebelling are scattered,
gone to their end,
do not exist.
Knowing the dustless, sorrowless state,
he discerns rightly,
has gone, beyond becoming,
to the Further Shore.

Nobody, not even a Buddha, is immune to the "8 Worldly Winds." One is bound to experience these things.

Reflect on what is shameful and what is not shameful,
Whatever they did to you might not be all that shameful in the Discipline of the Noble One's.

Also when you recall those events or think about things connected to this condition you should be mindful, establishing mindfulness and observe whats going on as it appears to you. If unwholesome painful states assail you in based on those concepts you should investigate those as well.

If it pains you a lot you can divert your thinking by picking up a wholesome theme for the mind, The Buddha, Dhamma, The Sangha or anything related to Holy Life and awesomeness.

There are more advice on controlling distracting thoughts in suttas with same title.

You could also look at this from Anatta. Who and where is the self being humiliated? They won't be found.

I've been exploring my feelings a bit, and I've just realized that a lot of my anger stems from feelings of humiliation. Other people were bad, insulting, etc. And I've never really recovered my full sense of pride since. I've just recently noticed this problem, and I'd like to move on from it. Can you guys give me advice on how to overcome feelings of humiliation and move on with life?

Keep this very important sutta in mind:

In the same way, monks, there are these five aspects of speech by which others may address you: timely or untimely, true or false, affectionate or harsh, beneficial or unbeneficial, with a mind of good-will or with inner hate. Others may address you in a timely way or an untimely way. They may address you with what is true or what is false. They may address you in an affectionate way or a harsh way. They may address you in a beneficial way or an unbeneficial way. They may address you with a mind of good-will or with inner hate. In any event, you should train yourselves: 'Our minds will be unaffected and we will say no evil words. We will remain sympathetic to that person's welfare, with a mind of good will, and with no inner hate. We will keep pervading him with an awareness imbued with good will and, beginning with him, we will keep pervading the all-encompassing world with an awareness imbued with good will equal to a catskin bag — abundant, expansive, immeasurable, free from hostility, free from ill will.' That's how you should train yourselves.

"Monks, even if bandits were to carve you up savagely, limb by limb, with a two-handled saw, he among you who let his heart get angered even at that would not be doing my bidding. Even then you should train yourselves: 'Our minds will be unaffected and we will say no evil words. We will remain sympathetic, with a mind of good will, and with no inner hate. We will keep pervading these people with an awareness imbued with good will and, beginning with them, we will keep pervading the all-encompassing world with an awareness imbued with good will — abundant, expansive, immeasurable, free from hostility, free from ill will.' That's how you should train yourselves.

"Monks, if you attend constantly to this admonition on the simile of the saw, do you see any aspects of speech, slight or gross, that you could not endure?"

"No, lord."

"Then attend constantly to this admonition on the simile of the saw. That will be for your long-term welfare & happiness."

That is what the Blessed One said. Gratified, the monks delighted in the Blessed One's words.

https://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitak ... .than.html

Thanks a bunch guys. I really appreciate your words of advice.