How do I tell my friend I don't like her kind of Buddhism?

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James the Giant
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How do I tell my friend I don't like her kind of Buddhism?

Post by James the Giant »

My friend persuaded me to try her kind of Buddhism, Nichiren Buddhism, for a few months.
I completely changed my practise to hers, chanted earnestly, studied hard, attended twice-weekly Nichiren groups, and learned a lot.
It was very interesting and VERY different. But I didn't like it, and it's not for me. No sir! So it's back to my good vipassana practise. Whew! :smile:

How do you suggest I tell her and let her down easy?
She is seriously dedicated to Nichiren Buddhism, and I am concerned she'll see my rejection of it as a "Slander of the Law", and that I'll be casting myself into the "World of Hell", as they often say in that sect.
Her sect of Nichiren Buddhism is called Soka Gakkai International (SGI) and they are really keen on insisting they are the only True Buddhism, and everyone else is wrong and ignorant.
So it's going to be hard. Hmm.....

I could tell her the reasons I don't like it, but I feel that would be rude to her, as they are quite serious and fairly insulting reasons, from her perspective anyway.
(To describe the reasons here would definitely be sect-bashing and against the terms of service of any good Buddhist forum.)

So, suggestions?
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retrofuturist
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Re: How do I tell my friend I don't like her kind of Buddhism?

Post by retrofuturist »

Greetings James,

I think you'll need to discuss it, because if you can't come up with a resolution, in the long-term something like this could very likely become a deal breaker.

Good luck.

Metta,
Retro. :)
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Re: How do I tell my friend I don't like her kind of Buddhism?

Post by Cittasanto »

I agree with retro!
alhough off topic slightly I would e interested in hearing more about your expierance, and toughts on the practice and 'sect' PM me if you don't mind, but only if you feel comfortable sharing.
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He who knows only his own side of the case knows little of that. His reasons may be good, and no one may have been able to refute them.
But if he is equally unable to refute the reasons on the opposite side, if he does not so much as know what they are, he has no ground for preferring either opinion …
...
He must be able to hear them from persons who actually believe them … he must know them in their most plausible and persuasive form.
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Re: How do I tell my friend I don't like her kind of Buddhism?

Post by Individual »

James the Giant wrote:My friend persuaded me to try her kind of Buddhism, Nichiren Buddhism, for a few months.
I completely changed my practise to hers, chanted earnestly, studied hard, attended twice-weekly Nichiren groups, and learned a lot.
It was very interesting and VERY different. But I didn't like it, and it's not for me. No sir! So it's back to my good vipassana practise. Whew! :smile:

How do you suggest I tell her and let her down easy?
She is seriously dedicated to Nichiren Buddhism, and I am concerned she'll see my rejection of it as a "Slander of the Law", and that I'll be casting myself into the "World of Hell", as they often say in that sect.
Her sect of Nichiren Buddhism is called Soka Gakkai International (SGI) and they are really keen on insisting they are the only True Buddhism, and everyone else is wrong and ignorant.
So it's going to be hard. Hmm.....

I could tell her the reasons I don't like it, but I feel that would be rude to her, as they are quite serious and fairly insulting reasons, from her perspective anyway.
(To describe the reasons here would definitely be sect-bashing and against the terms of service of any good Buddhist forum.)

So, suggestions?
There's nothing you can do. Let her be offended. It's her problem, not yours.

What if she was a Scientologist? Would you still be uncertain of how to react? Is it only because her group purports to be "Buddhism" that you feel the need to avoid offending her?

You could put it lightly and say, "It's just not for me". If she presses you -- and she probably will -- you can try to avoid discussing it. But if she continues to press it, lay it on hard. Let her know exactly how you feel. She won't like it, but what else can you do?
The best things in life aren't things.

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Dan74
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Re: How do I tell my friend I don't like her kind of Buddhism?

Post by Dan74 »

Sokka Gakkai is very controversial and has been excommunicated by the main Nichiren School in Japan.

From what I understand their main problem is lack of properly trained teachers and the tendency to worship their president, Ikeda. So people have very different experiences depending on which centre they started at. Ansanna on ESangha is well-versed in Mahayana and therefore has a relatively broad perspective, while someone else may have an extremely narrow view.

(I am not a Nichiren or Sokka Gakkai follower myself and have never been - would be good to hear from one).

But there is no reason to feel guilty of the glove does not fit. Theravada is great. To my mind it is more a question of our commitment (and finding inspiring kalyana-mitras and wise guides along the paths).

Good luck!!!

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BlackBird
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Re: How do I tell my friend I don't like her kind of Buddhism?

Post by BlackBird »

Here's what I would say:

Me: "I don't want to offend, but it's not for me."
Her: "Why not?"
Me: "I just prefer my own practice (Theravada)"
Her: "But why"
Me: "It's just what works for me, I respect your practice, so all that I ask is that you respect mine in turn."

There's really only one response to that:
Her: "Okay, I understand."

If you get anything else it's just a matter of reiterating the point: "I respect your practice, so all that I ask is that you respect mine too."

If she's a true friend, she will understand.

Metta
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Re: How do I tell my friend I don't like her kind of Buddhism?

Post by pink_trike »

How about 'Theravada is a more comfortable fit" and leave it at that?
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Re: How do I tell my friend I don't like her kind of Buddhism?

Post by retrofuturist »

Greetings PT,
pink_trike wrote:How about 'Theravada is a more comfortable fit" and leave it at that?
It's more about whether she'll leave it at that! :tongue:

Metta,
Retro. :)
"Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."
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Re: How do I tell my friend I don't like her kind of Buddhism?

Post by Individual »

BlackBird wrote:Here's what I would say:

Me: "I don't want to offend, but it's not for me."
Her: "Why not?"
Me: "I just prefer my own practice (Theravada)"
Her: "But why"
Me: "It's just what works for me, I respect your practice, so all that I ask is that you respect mine in turn."

There's really only one response to that:
Her: "Okay, I understand."
Not at all. There's something much more annoying:

"But what is it about Nchiren specifically that you don't agree with?"

If you give an ambiguous response, she could you press you for more detail and specifics, and provide elaborate rebuttals.
The best things in life aren't things.

The Diamond Sutra
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Annapurna
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Re: How do I tell my friend I don't like her kind of Buddhism?

Post by Annapurna »

James the Giant wrote:My friend persuaded me to try her kind of Buddhism, Nichiren Buddhism, for a few months.
I completely changed my practise to hers, chanted earnestly, studied hard, attended twice-weekly Nichiren groups, and learned a lot.
It was very interesting and VERY different. But I didn't like it, and it's not for me. No sir! So it's back to my good vipassana practise. Whew! :smile:

How do you suggest I tell her and let her down easy?
She is seriously dedicated to Nichiren Buddhism, and I am concerned she'll see my rejection of it as a "Slander of the Law", and that I'll be casting myself into the "World of Hell", as they often say in that sect.
Her sect of Nichiren Buddhism is called Soka Gakkai International (SGI) and they are really keen on insisting they are the only True Buddhism, and everyone else is wrong and ignorant.
So it's going to be hard. Hmm.....

I could tell her the reasons I don't like it, but I feel that would be rude to her, as they are quite serious and fairly insulting reasons, from her perspective anyway.
(To describe the reasons here would definitely be sect-bashing and against the terms of service of any good Buddhist forum.)

So, suggestions?
Just say it.

Why speculate about reactions, that may not happen in the way you imagine, and why fear them? Fear to lose her is in vain...... you will lose her one day anyhow....she is impermanent .

So better follow your own path.

"Walk alone like a Rhinocerus"

Just say: "Hey, I'm more comfy with Vipassana, luckily we're both Buddhists, huh?
It could be worse...."

If she can't handle that, perhaps it's time for you to move on, so you can be "yourself."

If you have to hide your true colors, who will you be?

You can't live like a shadow, can't live a lie forever.

So, toss away all fear. Abandon attachments.

Best of luck.

-A
Last edited by Annapurna on Tue Oct 20, 2009 7:09 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Ben
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Re: How do I tell my friend I don't like her kind of Buddhism?

Post by Ben »

Greetings James
I tend to agree with Mr Pink and Blackbird.
There's no reason why you can't be economical with what you tell her and avoid a difficult situation.
You don't have to be brutal with the truth.
I would just say 'its not for me' or, 'I prefer vipassana'
And leave it at that.
I hope it sorts itself out!
metta

Ben
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Learn this from the waters:
in mountain clefts and chasms,
loud gush the streamlets,
but great rivers flow silently.
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Re: How do I tell my friend I don't like her kind of Buddhism?

Post by Sanghamitta »

Perhaps what will determine the outcome is the degree of her attachment to Sokka Gakkai. It is one of the more militant wings of Buddhism, and makes high demands of its members.It is also less tolerant of other forms of Buddhism than is the Buddhist norm. That factor could mean that your options are fairly clear and limited James. I hope I am wrong and that you reach a resolution.
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Re: How do I tell my friend I don't like her kind of Buddhism?

Post by Annapurna »

I agree with Ben.

The truth can be shared in a way that avoids clashing, that avoids unnececcary hardships and is gentle and caring.

However, the mere fact to disagree and choose another path may be seen as unkind, and cause great irritation.

I know so, because my partner became a fundamentalist Muslim lately, and he asked me to either veil myself, or hit the road.

I chose the road, with all the heartache and tears that initially entailed.

But it brought me to the insights I have now.
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Re: How do I tell my friend I don't like her kind of Buddhism?

Post by Ben »

Annabel wrote:I agree with Ben.

The truth can be shared in a way that avoids clashing, that avoids unnececcary hardships and is gentle and caring.

However, the mere fact to disagree and choose another path may be seen as unkind, and cause great irritation.

I know so, because my partner became a fundamentalist Muslim lately, and he asked me to either veil myself, or hit the road.

I chose the road, with all the heartache and tears that initially entailed.

But it brought me to the insights I have now.
Oh my %&* !!!
I am sorry to hear that Anabel.
You're in my thoughts and metta.
May the Buddha, Dhamma and Sangha be your anchor.
metta

Ben
“No lists of things to be done. The day providential to itself. The hour. There is no later. This is later. All things of grace and beauty such that one holds them to one's heart have a common provenance in pain. Their birth in grief and ashes.”
- Cormac McCarthy, The Road

Learn this from the waters:
in mountain clefts and chasms,
loud gush the streamlets,
but great rivers flow silently.
- Sutta Nipata 3.725

Compassionate Hands Foundation (Buddhist aid in Myanmar) • Buddhist Global ReliefUNHCR

e: [email protected]..
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retrofuturist
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Re: How do I tell my friend I don't like her kind of Buddhism?

Post by retrofuturist »

Greetings Annabel,

:group:

Metta,
Retro. :)
"Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."
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