Hello, about my past

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xofz
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Hello, about my past

Post by xofz »

Hello all! I haven't made an introduction thread for me yet, so here it goes.

I have been a Buddhist for several years now (I'm 33) and was happy with it for awhile, but the past has come up and I don't know how to get past it.

Here goes: when I was about 4 and a half years old, I, by myself, smashed my head through a double-paned glass window. Let me repeat myself: I SMASHED MY HEAD THROUGH A DOUBLE-PANED GLASS WINDOW. I really did.

I have tried talking to my mom about this, to my dad, and to my therapist. They have offered seemingly zero help with this problem.

It has come up recently, and it has come on really, really strong. It has got me hating the human species. I also think I found God (that happened in my head) and it told me that the human race was damned and would be spending eternity without having the gift of life again. It told me in about 2 months, every human except myself would just fall to the earth, dead.

I would greatly appreciate some help dealing with this specific issue in my past. To be perfectly clear, I really did smash my 4.5 year old head through a double-paned glass window. The voices in my head urged, begged, pleaded with me to, so I did.

Is this just a ton of karma, coming back to haunt me? Damnation is not real because God is just in my head, right?
becoming aware!
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DNS
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Re: Hello, about my past

Post by DNS »

When you smash your head through a double pane glass, you don't need a god, you need a doctor! Did you have a laceration? Did you see a doctor?
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xofz
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Re: Hello, about my past

Post by xofz »

I was amazingly uninjured. My head went right through and then I carefully removed it after turning it around with my head through the window. My parents did not get my any sort of therapy or help at the time. I have strong, strong memories of this. This was well after I was old enough to store memories.

I think I might have some untreated PTSD from this occurrence. In terms of karma, I guessed it to be a whole, whole lot of negative karma. To be there, to be the person whose head smashes through glass in the real world (this wasn't a movie!) was the most life-alteringly bad experience I have ever had, and most likely ever will. Double-paned. Not one pane of glass. Two panes. 4.5 years old.

My therapist and parents can't help me. I was hoping for some Buddhist coping mechanisms to deal with this unspeakable act.
becoming aware!
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CedarTree
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Re: Hello, about my past

Post by CedarTree »

xofz wrote:Hello all! I haven't made an introduction thread for me yet, so here it goes.

I have been a Buddhist for several years now (I'm 33) and was happy with it for awhile, but the past has come up and I don't know how to get past it.

Here goes: when I was about 4 and a half years old, I, by myself, smashed my head through a double-paned glass window. Let me repeat myself: I SMASHED MY HEAD THROUGH A DOUBLE-PANED GLASS WINDOW. I really did.

I have tried talking to my mom about this, to my dad, and to my therapist. They have offered seemingly zero help with this problem.

It has come up recently, and it has come on really, really strong. It has got me hating the human species. I also think I found God (that happened in my head) and it told me that the human race was damned and would be spending eternity without having the gift of life again. It told me in about 2 months, every human except myself would just fall to the earth, dead.

I would greatly appreciate some help dealing with this specific issue in my past. To be perfectly clear, I really did smash my 4.5 year old head through a double-paned glass window. The voices in my head urged, begged, pleaded with me to, so I did.

Is this just a ton of karma, coming back to haunt me? Damnation is not real because God is just in my head, right?
xofz

by your post and it's structure I think you need to take the step to be treated by professionals. Take this with kindness, just like if someone has cancer and or hiv one may die quickly and painfully if it is progressed enough. Modern medication especially in the case of HIV is a life of long-living and little side effects.

It sounds like you are struggling with mental health and don't feel embarrassed about seeking out professional care in both a medical setting and personal setting.

Realize you may be ill. Be well.


Practice, Practice, Practice

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retrofuturist
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Re: Hello, about my past

Post by retrofuturist »

Greetings,
xofz wrote:I was hoping for some Buddhist coping mechanisms to deal with this unspeakable act.
The Dhamma is about suffering (dukkha) and its cessation (nirodha).

If you're happy to embrace the pursuit from that frame of reference, you might achieve something of benefit.

If you're looking for "tips and tricks" to support your current frame of reference, the endeavour is likely to be less fruitful.

Either way, all the best and welcome to Dhamma Wheel.

:buddha2:

Metta,
Paul. :)
"Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things."
denise
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Re: Hello, about my past

Post by denise »

we've all done things as children or adults that are curious.....now, you do not have to do such things starting right now....you don't have to repeat this again....examine what you get/got from it.... :hug:
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Pseudobabble
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Re: Hello, about my past

Post by Pseudobabble »

xofz wrote: I also think I found God (that happened in my head) and it told me that the human race was damned and would be spending eternity without having the gift of life again. It told me in about 2 months, every human except myself would just fall to the earth, dead.
...
The voices in my head urged, begged, pleaded with me to, so I did.
With kindness, I suggest you see a therapist.
"Does Master Gotama have any position at all?"

"A 'position,' Vaccha, is something that a Tathagata has done away with. What a Tathagata sees is this: 'Such is form, such its origination, such its disappearance; such is feeling, such its origination, such its disappearance; such is perception...such are fabrications...such is consciousness, such its origination, such its disappearance.'" - Aggi-Vacchagotta Sutta


'Dust thou art, and unto dust thou shalt return.' - Genesis 3:19

'Some fart freely, some try to hide and silence it. Which one is correct?' - Saegnapha
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xofz
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Re: Hello, about my past

Post by xofz »

Pseudobabble wrote:With kindness, I suggest you see a therapist.
Thanks, I will see her again. I actually did tell her already about this act, and she did not respond to me with anything at all regarding it. It's almost as though she passed it off. Easy to do if you're not the one who smashed his head!

Oh, by the way, I am a diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic. That probably explains why I thought it was the whole world that wanted me to smash my head! I'm currently going through an elaborate fantasy where I am the Golden Child and earth, unlike other solar systems that have life, is full of Satan-worshippers, hence the reason they (that is, the voices in my head), wanted me to smash my head and die so bad.

Ultimately, it would help to have a little bit of equanimous Buddhist thought and help on this to help keep me steered away from falsity. I feel like this could just be the karma from that act I did (so young! so little!) coming back around, full-force. That past was so intense though, it's hard for me to comprehend it as karma coming back to me rather than flat out damnation.

Overall, in terms of real life though, I'm actually doing quite well. Except for this forum thread, I have kept really quiet about my fantasizing and haven't been bad or rude to other people. I'm getting work done and keeping up with bills and chores. 20 more months of car payments and my car is paid off! Also have a dirty little habit, and that is playing World of Warcraft. I play it all the time when I'm at home. It's just so fun.
becoming aware!
Garrib
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Re: Hello, about my past

Post by Garrib »

Ultimately, it would help to have a little bit of equanimous Buddhist thought and help on this to help keep me steered away from falsity. I feel like this could just be the karma from that act I did (so young! so little!) coming back around, full-force. That past was so intense though, it's hard for me to comprehend it as karma coming back to me rather than flat out damnation.

Overall, in terms of real life though, I'm actually doing quite well. Except for this forum thread, I have kept really quiet about my fantasizing and haven't been bad or rude to other people. I'm getting work done and keeping up with bills and chores. 20 more months of car payments and my car is paid off! Also have a dirty little habit, and that is playing World of Warcraft. I play it all the time when I'm at home. It's just so fun.


I'm glad you're doing well, otherwise. Try to let go of the past as much as possible, be kind and compassionate, and just keep moving forward in a positive direction - the Dhamma and good friendships can definitely help with that!

-Brad
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