Partner smoking, also weed

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Dhamma queen
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Joined: Sun Feb 23, 2020 9:35 pm

Partner smoking, also weed

Post by Dhamma queen »

Hi all,
Firstly I am not a religious Buddhist however am a serious Vipassana practitioner and one who deeply respects and serves the Dhamma. I am practising Vipassana in the tradition of U Ba Khin, please let me know if it’s ok for me to be a part of this forum.

Today I’d like to share with you something to get it off my chest but also am curious if anyone else is having or has had a similar experience.

I used to drink, smoke and take drugs in the past and gradually reduced them to the point of being 100% clean for almost a full year now. I am very serious about observing the 5 precepts in daily life and mediating for at least 2 hours every single day without a miss (this has been the case for the last 9 months straight). However my husband is still into smoking and I really, really struggle to tolerate this. And it’s not so much the actual smoking but the whole level of interaction between us that it results in.

While I respect his choices as an individual, I really don’t understand why he would keep making them AND wanting to be with me at the same time. He says he is working towards stopping but what i see is no sign of it but on the contrary: the more respectful and accepting I am of his choices, the more often he smokes and when I eventually struggle to tolerate it and point it out, he blames me for being impatient with him ...

Sometimes I really don’t know how much it is about me being patient and him manipulating me into bearing with his toxic ways. I am used to always seeing the good in people and giving the benefit of the doubt but I feel there also needs to be a balance in that.

What does Theravada Buddhism say about such cases and does any of you have a similar experience at all?

I feel my path being the path of Dhamma very strongly and although I would love to share it with a partner, I would always choose it before any body.

Thanks for your time and much Metta to all!

bhante dhamma
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Re: Partner smoking, also weed

Post by bhante dhamma »

Hi upasika, blessings in Dhamma to you, your partner & your family.

Well the first thing that popped into my mind is the words 'āsevana can balānam' from the maṇgala sutta, which mean avoid association with 'dujanah' people with no 'buddhi' or dhammic intelligence, why? It drags us down and as people who value sīla and restraint it has a negative affect on our minds and can lead to deterioration in our practice, which is definitely not wanted, oh and before I forget congratulations on your efforts in the U Bha Khin traditon i hope it brings much samādhi to your mind. Indeed 'insignificant is the loss or relatives great is the loss of wisdom' AN1.

So but on the other hand there is another list from DN 31, which talks about 4 qualities of a 'suhada mitta' a good friend, one of which is enduring through periods of happiness and suffering 'sukha/ dukha'. So if you are no longer 'sīla samaññatā' the same I'm virtue or 'diṭṭhi samaññatā' the same in view then some decisions/discussions need to be made about what you value as individuals in order to make the future clear about whether the direction you are going is mutually shared. I think it's only natural that you end up parting ways with friends & family to varying degrees maybe, but after starting vipassana and then taking it seriously unless they are 'sādhu-jana' people who are bound for Nibbāna, it has to happen eventually, and it's actually a sign you're progressing, so pramodya to that also. You are correct also on the paradigm of putting ones dhamma practice first above other things, it's called 'Dhamm’ādipateyya' making Dhamma the chief or at least using its parameters as a guide rather than 'lok'ādipateyya' the world or self as the leader (likes& dislikes), hope everything goes well for you guys, sukhī hotu.

Good is a friend when I'm need
Good is merit at life end
Good is the abandonment of all evil
Good is the destruction of all dukkha Dhp Nagavagga

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Ceisiwr
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Re: Partner smoking, also weed

Post by Ceisiwr »

Greetings,

If you have advised him the draw backs of smoking it and he still carries on smoking it then I would say leave him to it. It is his choice and his kamma. You can’t be responsible for that. Instead, focus on your own sila and look into the dukkha that’s arising from wanting to change things to suite your own desires. Use mindfulness. Of course, if he’s trying to get you to use again that is out of order. And no, it doesn’t matter if you are non-religious.

Metta

:)
Mere suffering exists, no sufferer is found;
The deeds are, but no doer of the deeds is there;
Nibbāna is, but not the man that enters it;
The path is, but no traveler on it is seen.


Visuddhimagga

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DooDoot
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Re: Partner smoking, also weed

Post by DooDoot »

Greetings DQ,

The Pali scriptures do mention the marriage situation where a goddess (a follower of the five precepts) lives with a wretch/zombie (a non-follower of the five precepts), here: AN 4.53; although it appears no advice is given.

Your situation appears difficult because the impression is you & your husband, together, cultivated the habit of smoking weed & using other intoxicants for many years. It seems intoxicants were part of your mutual lifestyle. In other words, it is possible you might possibly not have much in common when the mutual intoxication is removed.

The fact you have given up intoxicants for merely one year shows your expectations towards your husband may be too high because habits can be difficult to break. Weed has a psychological addiction and cigarettes have a strong physical addiction. On Buddhist chatsites, the draw backs of various vices are often mentioned yet members often don't change or take many years of suffering to change.

Now, at least you have the Dhamma on your side because the scriptures teach a lasting marriage relationship is based on wholesome mutual behaviours, here: AN 4.55. The scriptures also teach (somewhere) about four essential qualities for marriage relationships, which are:

1. Honest & truthful communication (sacca).

2. Training in self-improvement (dama).

3. Patience/tolerance (khanti).

4. Generosity/sacrifice/unselfishness (caga).

Therefore, the starting point is honest & truthful communication with your husband. While I personally do not recommend pushing Buddhism onto him, at the very least you can honestly communicate your aspiration/hopes for what you want your marriage to be like and that he live a more wholesome lifestyle for the obvious reasons.

As inferred, this wholesome lifestyle must include some healthy common interests, whatever they could be, such as say sports, exercising, bushwalking, going to the beach, arts, cooking, whatever.

In summary, your situation seems to mostly depend upon how much you wish to maintain your marriage. If you wish to maintain your marriage then you have a personal & mutual duty to exercise your love and point out to your husband a lasting healthy marriage depends on healthy mutual interests.

Kind regards :smile:
There is always an official executioner. If you try to take his place, It is like trying to be a master carpenter and cutting wood. If you try to cut wood like a master carpenter, you will only hurt your hand.

https://soundcloud.com/doodoot/paticcasamuppada
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Crazy cloud
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Joined: Sun May 12, 2013 8:55 am

Re: Partner smoking, also weed

Post by Crazy cloud »

This video might be helpful because it's matter of fact without religious or pro-cannabis connotations.

If you didn't care
What happened to me
And I didn't care for you

We would zig-zag our way
Through the boredom and pain
Occasionally glancing up through the rain

Wondering which of the
Buggers to blame
And watching for pigs on the wing
- Roger Waters

dharmacorps
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Joined: Thu Aug 06, 2015 7:33 pm

Re: Partner smoking, also weed

Post by dharmacorps »

People in relationships change. When couples or individuals in relationships get sober and pursue a more healthy life, people can change to the extent that have different life priorities. Sometimes people are willing to change more than their partners. "Theravada Buddhism" and the pali canon gives advice about how to establish and maintain skillful conduct, and encourage others to do the same, but also see the limitations where someone will not be committed to ethical conduct. Beyond that, it is up to your own discretion-- personally, I would recommend a couples therapist to help moderate these issues.

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Bundokji
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Re: Partner smoking, also weed

Post by Bundokji »

I second DooDoot's advice of open and honest communication with your husband. Also beware of getting advice from strangers on the internet who don't know much about you and your relationship (including your own shortcomings). You will receive well-intentioned advises, but its you who should know better.

Welcome to DW :heart:
And the Blessed One addressed the bhikkhus, saying: "Behold now, bhikkhus, I exhort you: All compounded things are subject to vanish. Strive with earnestness!"

This was the last word of the Tathagata.

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cappuccino
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Re: Partner smoking, also weed

Post by cappuccino »

Dhamma queen wrote: I respect his choices as an individual, I really don’t understand why he would keep making them
Children find happiness just spinning in circles

:shrug:

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