Joke!!!

Casual discussion amongst spiritual friends.
shjohnk
Posts: 193
Joined: Wed Jul 15, 2009 2:19 am
Which number is larger than 1000 and less than 1002: 6
Location: Shanghai, China
Contact:

Joke!!!

Postby shjohnk » Sun Aug 29, 2010 2:56 am

Here's a joke I found funny, hope you do too :)

A Buddhist goes up to a hotdog vendor and says 'Make me one with everything'. The vendor smiles and dishes up his best dog. the buddhist gives him a 50 dollar note, smiling apologetically. The vendor accepts it and smiles back. After two minutes the vendor still hasn't given the change so the buddhist asks as non-confrontationally as possible 'Excuse me, may i have the change?' The vendor looks at him wisely and says 'Change comes only from within'

:rofl:

Have a happy day!!!!

alan
Posts: 2624
Joined: Wed Sep 30, 2009 12:14 am
Which number is larger than 1000 and less than 1002: 6
Location: Miramar beach, Fl.

Re: Joke!!!

Postby alan » Sun Aug 29, 2010 3:07 am

Who is stupid enough to give $50 to someone who deals in small transactions?
And why the hell is our Buddhist eating hot dogs, anyway?

User avatar
Kare
Posts: 689
Joined: Sun Feb 01, 2009 10:58 am
Which number is larger than 1000 and less than 1002: 1
Location: Norway
Contact:

Re: Joke!!!

Postby Kare » Sun Aug 29, 2010 9:48 am

alan wrote:Who is stupid enough to give $50 to someone who deals in small transactions?
And why the hell is our Buddhist eating hot dogs, anyway?


He does not like them cold.
Mettāya,
Kåre

User avatar
Fede
Posts: 1182
Joined: Tue Dec 30, 2008 10:33 pm
Which number is larger than 1000 and less than 1002: 1
Location: The Heart of this "Green & Pleasant Land"...
Contact:

Re: Joke!!!

Postby Fede » Sun Aug 29, 2010 10:33 am

Had he just bought the vacuum cleaner?
"Samsara: The human condition's heartbreaking inability to sustain contentment." Elizabeth Gilbert, 'Eat, Pray, Love'.

Simplify: 17 into 1 WILL go: Mindfulness!

Quieta movere magna merces videbatur. (Sallust, c.86-c.35 BC)
Translation: Just to stir things up seemed a good reward in itself. ;)

I am sooooo happy - How on earth could I be otherwise?! :D


http://www.armchairadvice.co.uk/relationships/forum/

User avatar
Ben
Site Admin
Posts: 16348
Joined: Wed Dec 31, 2008 12:49 am
Which number is larger than 1000 and less than 1002: 1001
Location: Land of the sleeping gods
Contact:

Re: Joke!!!

Postby Ben » Sun Aug 29, 2010 11:03 am

alan wrote:Who is stupid enough to give $50 to someone who deals in small transactions?

Someone willing to get a fist full dollars back in change!
Or perhaps the good, the bad and the ugly?

alan wrote:And why the hell is our Buddhist eating hot dogs, anyway?

He was hungry enough to eat a horse, but went the dog instead,
Pedestrian, but compassionate! And by being pedestrian, he defines himself as a Buddhist by walking on the path!
Cheers

Ben
Learn this from the waters:
in mountain clefts and chasms,
loud gush the streamlets,
but great rivers flow silently.

Taṃ nadīhi vijānātha:
sobbhesu padaresu ca,
saṇantā yanti kusobbhā,
tuṇhīyanti mahodadhī.

Sutta Nipata 3.725

Compassionate Hands Foundation (Buddhist aid in Myanmar) • Buddhist Global ReliefUNHCR
Buddhist Life Stories of Australia
e: ben.dhammawheel@gmail.com

User avatar
Fede
Posts: 1182
Joined: Tue Dec 30, 2008 10:33 pm
Which number is larger than 1000 and less than 1002: 1
Location: The Heart of this "Green & Pleasant Land"...
Contact:

Re: Joke!!!

Postby Fede » Sun Aug 29, 2010 12:07 pm

My my, Ben, u so chippy-chippy on form today, aintcha....?? :tongue: :jumping:
"Samsara: The human condition's heartbreaking inability to sustain contentment." Elizabeth Gilbert, 'Eat, Pray, Love'.

Simplify: 17 into 1 WILL go: Mindfulness!

Quieta movere magna merces videbatur. (Sallust, c.86-c.35 BC)
Translation: Just to stir things up seemed a good reward in itself. ;)

I am sooooo happy - How on earth could I be otherwise?! :D


http://www.armchairadvice.co.uk/relationships/forum/

User avatar
mikenz66
Posts: 10793
Joined: Sat Jan 10, 2009 7:37 am
Which number is larger than 1000 and less than 1002: 1001
Location: New Zealand

Re: Joke!!!

Postby mikenz66 » Sun Aug 29, 2010 9:14 pm

All that fresh air is having an interesting effect on you Ben... :tongue:

Mike

User avatar
Ben
Site Admin
Posts: 16348
Joined: Wed Dec 31, 2008 12:49 am
Which number is larger than 1000 and less than 1002: 1001
Location: Land of the sleeping gods
Contact:

Re: Joke!!!

Postby Ben » Sun Aug 29, 2010 9:37 pm

Yes, I think it was my day yesterday. Early rise to get on the road by 6AM and be at the meditation centre for group-sit at 8AM at Mt Dromedary and then a meeting afterwards.
Image
Got back to campus around 5PM. Despite catching up with other practitioners and seeing someone again after 21 years, it was a looooonng day.
Learn this from the waters:
in mountain clefts and chasms,
loud gush the streamlets,
but great rivers flow silently.

Taṃ nadīhi vijānātha:
sobbhesu padaresu ca,
saṇantā yanti kusobbhā,
tuṇhīyanti mahodadhī.

Sutta Nipata 3.725

Compassionate Hands Foundation (Buddhist aid in Myanmar) • Buddhist Global ReliefUNHCR
Buddhist Life Stories of Australia
e: ben.dhammawheel@gmail.com

User avatar
Ben
Site Admin
Posts: 16348
Joined: Wed Dec 31, 2008 12:49 am
Which number is larger than 1000 and less than 1002: 1001
Location: Land of the sleeping gods
Contact:

Re: Joke!!!

Postby Ben » Sun Aug 29, 2010 9:48 pm

mikenz66 wrote:All that fresh air is having an interesting effect on you Ben... :tongue:

Mike


Hi Mike

I've started keeping a practice diary of sorts: http://benoloughlin.wordpress.com/
kind regards

Ben
Learn this from the waters:
in mountain clefts and chasms,
loud gush the streamlets,
but great rivers flow silently.

Taṃ nadīhi vijānātha:
sobbhesu padaresu ca,
saṇantā yanti kusobbhā,
tuṇhīyanti mahodadhī.

Sutta Nipata 3.725

Compassionate Hands Foundation (Buddhist aid in Myanmar) • Buddhist Global ReliefUNHCR
Buddhist Life Stories of Australia
e: ben.dhammawheel@gmail.com

User avatar
mikenz66
Posts: 10793
Joined: Sat Jan 10, 2009 7:37 am
Which number is larger than 1000 and less than 1002: 1001
Location: New Zealand

Re: Joke!!!

Postby mikenz66 » Sun Aug 29, 2010 9:58 pm

Nice photos. Can you send me some of that baking? :clap:

Mike

User avatar
bodom
Posts: 4661
Joined: Fri Jan 09, 2009 6:18 pm
Which number is larger than 1000 and less than 1002: 1006
Location: San Antonio, Texas

Re: Joke!!!

Postby bodom » Sun Aug 29, 2010 10:04 pm

Sravaka in a Savage Land. :thumbsup:

I like it.

:anjali:
The heart of the path is SO simple. No need for long explanations. Give up clinging to love and hate, just rest with things as they are. That is all I do in my own practice. Do not try to become anything. Do not make yourself into anything. Do not be a meditator. Do not become enlightened. When you sit, let it be. When you walk, let it be. Grasp at nothing. Resist nothing. Of course, there are dozens of meditation techniques to develop samadhi and many kinds of vipassana. But it all comes back to this - just let it all be. Step over here where it is cool, out of the battle. - Ajahn Chah

User avatar
Ben
Site Admin
Posts: 16348
Joined: Wed Dec 31, 2008 12:49 am
Which number is larger than 1000 and less than 1002: 1001
Location: Land of the sleeping gods
Contact:

Re: Joke!!!

Postby Ben » Sun Aug 29, 2010 10:05 pm

It would be a pleasure! However, I think NZ customs might have something to say (and chew over)!
The epilogue to that post was that the bread was a bit of a disaster. I put the instant yeast powder in the deep freeze at the end of the last camp and it was too cold for it to activate. Later that day I attempted turkish pide and it was moderately successful, still a bit dense, and I was late pulling it out of the oven.
Learn this from the waters:
in mountain clefts and chasms,
loud gush the streamlets,
but great rivers flow silently.

Taṃ nadīhi vijānātha:
sobbhesu padaresu ca,
saṇantā yanti kusobbhā,
tuṇhīyanti mahodadhī.

Sutta Nipata 3.725

Compassionate Hands Foundation (Buddhist aid in Myanmar) • Buddhist Global ReliefUNHCR
Buddhist Life Stories of Australia
e: ben.dhammawheel@gmail.com

Euclid
Posts: 200
Joined: Wed Oct 21, 2009 2:33 am
Which number is larger than 1000 and less than 1002: 6
Location: Wellington, New Zealand

Re: Joke!!!

Postby Euclid » Mon Aug 30, 2010 9:31 am

How many Vipassi does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. Just note; darkness, darkness, darkness, darkness...

User avatar
cooran
Posts: 7801
Joined: Tue Jan 06, 2009 11:32 pm
Which number is larger than 1000 and less than 1002: 1
Location: Queensland, Australia

Re: Joke!!!

Postby cooran » Sun Oct 03, 2010 10:30 pm

The Australian Taxation Office decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to their office.

The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his lawyer.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the ATO finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's lawyer as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own lawyer moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the lawyer. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

Don't Mess with Old People!
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---

User avatar
cooran
Posts: 7801
Joined: Tue Jan 06, 2009 11:32 pm
Which number is larger than 1000 and less than 1002: 1
Location: Queensland, Australia

Re: Joke!!!

Postby cooran » Sun Oct 03, 2010 10:35 pm

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale ' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep,' the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA.. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.''I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit.
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---

User avatar
Ben
Site Admin
Posts: 16348
Joined: Wed Dec 31, 2008 12:49 am
Which number is larger than 1000 and less than 1002: 1001
Location: Land of the sleeping gods
Contact:

Re: Joke!!!

Postby Ben » Sun Oct 03, 2010 10:50 pm

Great jokes, Chris!
Learn this from the waters:
in mountain clefts and chasms,
loud gush the streamlets,
but great rivers flow silently.

Taṃ nadīhi vijānātha:
sobbhesu padaresu ca,
saṇantā yanti kusobbhā,
tuṇhīyanti mahodadhī.

Sutta Nipata 3.725

Compassionate Hands Foundation (Buddhist aid in Myanmar) • Buddhist Global ReliefUNHCR
Buddhist Life Stories of Australia
e: ben.dhammawheel@gmail.com

User avatar
cooran
Posts: 7801
Joined: Tue Jan 06, 2009 11:32 pm
Which number is larger than 1000 and less than 1002: 1
Location: Queensland, Australia

Re: Joke!!!

Postby cooran » Thu Oct 07, 2010 7:55 am

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE OVER 50
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.

With a 2kg potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.

Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 5kg potato bags.

Then try 25kg potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 50kg potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
(I'm at this level.)


After you feel confident at that level, start putting a potato in each bag.
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---

User avatar
Tex
Posts: 623
Joined: Thu Jan 22, 2009 9:46 pm
Which number is larger than 1000 and less than 1002: 1
Location: Austin, TX, USA

Re: Joke!!!

Postby Tex » Thu Oct 07, 2010 4:26 pm

Q. Why are there so few Buddhist rhythm and blues bands?

A. Because Buddhists don't have any soul.
"The serene and peaceful mind is the true epitome of human achievement."-- Ajahn Chah, Living Dhamma

"To reach beyond fear and danger we must sharpen and widen our vision. We have to pierce through the deceptions that lull us into a comfortable complacency, to take a straight look down into the depths of our existence, without turning away uneasily or running after distractions." -- Bhikkhu Bodhi

User avatar
David N. Snyder
Site Admin
Posts: 8291
Joined: Tue Dec 30, 2008 4:15 am
Which number is larger than 1000 and less than 1002: 1001
Location: Las Vegas, Nevada
Contact:

Re: Joke!!!

Postby David N. Snyder » Thu Oct 07, 2010 7:49 pm

The CIA has an opening for a position and has narrowed the field down to three final prospects who are all women. They give them a test.

The first woman comes into the office and is told to go into the room next door. She is told to pick up the gun on the desk and shoot her husband who is sitting on the other side of the desk. The woman thinks about it and says, "no thank you, I cannot kill my husband."

They bring in the second woman and she also says, "no thank you, I cannot kill my husband."

The third woman is called in and she enters the room with her husband. Then there is all kinds of loud noises, banging, some screaming and then after about 5 minutes, she comes out of the room. The CIA interviewers ask, "what happened?" She replies:

"The gun only had blanks, so it took me a few minutes to bang him over the head with the gun and the chair, but I finally got him killed."

User avatar
cooran
Posts: 7801
Joined: Tue Jan 06, 2009 11:32 pm
Which number is larger than 1000 and less than 1002: 1
Location: Queensland, Australia

Re: Joke!!!

Postby cooran » Fri Oct 08, 2010 8:54 am

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man would remove them, and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them and the maintenance man there. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers .. and then there are educators....
---The trouble is that you think you have time---
---Worry is the Interest, paid in advance, on a debt you may never owe---
---It's not what happens to you in life that is important ~ it's what you do with it ---


Return to “Lounge”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 5 guests