Please send some good thoughts my way

[VictoryInTruth]

Dear forum members... even though I mostly lurk in these forums I would like to ask that if you are able to...to please send some good thoughts my way. You see, almost a month and a half ago my mother died of cancer whilst I was taking care of her in my home...her cancer had spread from her lungs to her brain. She passed away peacefully with me by her side.

I have been suffering from a deep depression even since her passing due to the fact that my mother and I had lived together our whole lives. The loss of my mother leaves such an empty feeling in my heart that I cannot adequately describe it. To add to my suffering on July 25th when I was being taken home by taxi I started having problems with my breathing and became deathly pale. The taxi driver immediately called an ambulance and I was hospitalized for 9 days. If the taxi driver hadn't called for an ambulance I would have died.

The diagnosis was that I had suffered a pulmonary embolism... meaning that I had blood clots in my lungs and my organs were shutting down one by one. The worst being my kidneys... which were functioning at only 40%. On top of all of this I was also diagnosed as being borderline diabetic and have problems with my liver but due to the fact that I am on the blood thinning medication "Coumadin" I am not able to have my liver biopsied right now to see just how bad my liver is.

I have been home now for almost 2 weeks but feel incredibly week.

Sorry for being so long winded in describing my situation. I really need to feel some sense of peace and welcome any suggestions on how I can achieve that during this rough time in my life.

Thank you

[dagon]

Hi VictoryInTruth

You have metta and compassion from me – I honestly know how you feel. I nursed my wife on and off for more than 10 years before she passed away from cancer and the effects of many years of treatment.

Lets start with your grief – depression is a very common aspect of grief, so you are very normal. Please recognize that fact. Let me guess it is far more than you lost your mother. I remember being asked by a social worker how I was dealing with the loss of my wife. My response was that is the easy part – what I find so hard is that I lost my best friend. The loss of someone that close leaves more than hole in the heart. There other aspects as well that revolve on being the carer for example. What you are grieving for is your mother, best friend, and the role that you gave yourself in life.

Grief is a process that allows you to readjust – the process must be allowed to happen. All too often the carer finds themselves being left to support others. Do not be afraid to tell them that you have your own grieving to do and your emotional resources are limited.

Have you allowed yourself to really let go and cry – when doing that it is good to have some who you are close to share and give you love. My best practical advice if you have not is to invite a close friend around and watch a movie that is very sad and always makes you cry – once you start to let go for the film the letting go of the emotions inside you natural happens. Remember that you as the carer was the one who always had to be strong for your mother, now it is your time.

My guess is that you are still living in the same house; that the house is full of things that remind you of your mother and in turn of the loss that you have suffered. What worked for me and many others that I have got to do this is to attach a favorite or happy memory to all of those items. That way you can be reminded of the happiness and MOST importantly start to celebrate you mothers life. She would not want your sadness and celebrating a life is always good. When friends or relatives come around recount what those stories are to them. It helps to reinforce them in your head, share happy thoughts with other that knew you mother. I think that she would like to be remembered as someone who brought happiness into the lives of others. Another way of reinforcing those happy memories is to write them down. If you do this on a computer you can print them out or later use them to use then as a family book about your mum. You can also ask others to tell or write down other happy stories.

6 Months down the track at the end of the day I realized that I had been thinking about the wife all day. All of those thoughts were happy ones – it will eventually happen to you as well as unlikely as it feels at the moment.

If you want we can continue the discussion on the forum or by private message

metta
paul

[plwk]

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[Kusala]

May those beings who suffer be free from suffering.

May those beings who are in fear be free from fear.

May those beings who are in grief be free from grief.

...whatever beings that are born - those with form and the formless ones, those with or without consciousness - may they all be free from suffering! May they attain Nibbana!

[Luke]

Hi VictoryInTruth,

I'm sorry to hear about your recent tragedies. Sometimes samsara just totally sucks.

I hope you don't mind some Mahayana-flavored compassion right now!

Teyata Om Bekandze Bekandze Mahabekandze Radza Samugate Soha


Try to eat healthy food. This way, you can help your body heal. It's easy to eat lots of junk food when you're depressed, but that junk food will just make you weaker and more unhealthy. Eat things like vegetables, fruits, whole grains, legumes, some dairy products (if you eat them), and some lean meats (if you eat them).

Also, try to get some minimal exercise everyday. If this is just doing 1 push up and walking around your room once, so be it--it's still something! Try to think like a guy who is going to slowly recover.

I hope you feel better soon, both emotionally and physically.

Do you know any friends with cute pets? Maybe if they bring over their really cute dog or cat for a while, it might lift your spirits!

[Aloka]

Hi VictoryInTruth,

I'm so sorry to hear about your difficulties. My mother died from cancer, so I can understand how you are feeling.

Just take things very gently and give yourself some time to re-adjust.

Sending lots of good wishes for your health and happiness.

With metta,

Aloka

[Ben]

Greetings Victory

Grief and illness really suck.
Be sure that you are in my thoughts.
However painful and difficult your situation, please do everything you can to look after yourself.
with metta,

Ben

[Anagarika]

Victory:

I recall a talk Ajahn Brahm gave about losing his father. Ajahn Brahm suggested that the practice should be so much about the sense of celebration of the life of the person, and not the grief over the loss. He was able to let go of these harmful grief feelings rather quickly. A woman that came to him grieving was counseled to try to let go of the grief, as it can be an unhealthy attachment that causes one depression, loss of hope, poor health and hygiene. Ajahn B explained that we do not need to put ourselves through this suffering, as this grief, while natural and expected in all of us, is really in its coarsest terms a holding on and an attachment. None of us are immune from grief...I still grieve the loss of my Dad and it's been many, many years. But I am trying to learn that in those moments when my heart drops and the sense of grief starts to flood over me, that I work to replace the sense with a smile on my face, take a deep breath, and feel so glad for my Dad and all of my days with him. Maybe you can work to infuse moments of great gratitude and celebration in those moments when grief wants to take over. Force a smile if you have to, thinking of your Mom, and your brain chemistry and body will react to this in a positive way.

Metta and Karuna to you each day on this journey toward wellbeing.

M

[VictoryInTruth]

Hi VictoryInTruth

You have metta and compassion from me – I honestly know how you feel. I nursed my wife on and off for more than 10 years before she passed away from cancer and the effects of many years of treatment.

Lets start with your grief – depression is a very common aspect of grief, so you are very normal. Please recognize that fact. Let me guess it is far more than you lost your mother. I remember being asked by a social worker how I was dealing with the loss of my wife. My response was that is the easy part – what I find so hard is that I lost my best friend. The loss of someone that close leaves more than hole in the heart. There other aspects as well that revolve on being the carer for example. What you are grieving for is your mother, best friend, and the role that you gave yourself in life.

Grief is a process that allows you to readjust – the process must be allowed to happen. All too often the carer finds themselves being left to support others. Do not be afraid to tell them that you have your own grieving to do and your emotional resources are limited.

Have you allowed yourself to really let go and cry – when doing that it is good to have some who you are close to share and give you love. My best practical advice if you have not is to invite a close friend around and watch a movie that is very sad and always makes you cry – once you start to let go for the film the letting go of the emotions inside you natural happens. Remember that you as the carer was the one who always had to be strong for your mother, now it is your time.

My guess is that you are still living in the same house; that the house is full of things that remind you of your mother and in turn of the loss that you have suffered. What worked for me and many others that I have got to do this is to attach a favorite or happy memory to all of those items. That way you can be reminded of the happiness and MOST importantly start to celebrate you mothers life. She would not want your sadness and celebrating a life is always good. When friends or relatives come around recount what those stories are to them. It helps to reinforce them in your head, share happy thoughts with other that knew you mother. I think that she would like to be remembered as someone who brought happiness into the lives of others. Another way of reinforcing those happy memories is to write them down. If you do this on a computer you can print them out or later use them to use then as a family book about your mum. You can also ask others to tell or write down other happy stories.

6 Months down the track at the end of the day I realized that I had been thinking about the wife all day. All of those thoughts were happy ones – it will eventually happen to you as well as unlikely as it feels at the moment.

If you want we can continue the discussion on the forum or by private message

metta
paul

Thank you Paul for your compassion. I am so sorry to hear about your wife. That you cared for her for over 10 years shows just how loving a person you really are. I live in an apartment and everything here reminds me of my mom. What is helping me get through the grief and sadness is to go out and be amongst other people. When you are closed up in an environment that fuels the grief, sadness and memories it can really have a negative effect on your mind.

I will try as you suggested to put a positive memory to the objects that were related to my mom. Maybe that will help become more detached from the grief and depression. To be honest I have only cried very little. I have not been able to have a good cry over the loss of my mom and sometimes I think something is wrong with me but my cousin says that I am probably still in shock over the death of my mother. She may be right for it is not easy to forget someone that you had lived with for over 40 years of your life.

You are most welcome to contact me via PM or here in the forums. I don't mind talk about this out in the open in the forums either. Thanks again Paul.

[VictoryInTruth]

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Thank you for the videos they help calm my mind down.

[VictoryInTruth]

Hi VictoryInTruth,

I'm sorry to hear about your recent tragedies. Sometimes samsara just totally sucks.

I hope you don't mind some Mahayana-flavored compassion right now!

Teyata Om Bekandze Bekandze Mahabekandze Radza Samugate Soha


Try to eat healthy food. This way, you can help your body heal. It's easy to eat lots of junk food when you're depressed, but that junk food will just make you weaker and more unhealthy. Eat things like vegetables, fruits, whole grains, legumes, some dairy products (if you eat them), and some lean meats (if you eat them).

Also, try to get some minimal exercise everyday. If this is just doing 1 push up and walking around your room once, so be it--it's still something! Try to think like a guy who is going to slowly recover.

I hope you feel better soon, both emotionally and physically.

Do you know any friends with cute pets? Maybe if they bring over their really cute dog or cat for a while, it might lift your spirits!

I welcome the Mahayana flavored compassion.

I am trying to eat healthy but cannot eat any leafy green vegetables that may contain Vitamin K as they get in the way of the blood thinning medication I am on to function properly in doing its work in keeping my blood thin so that clots in my lungs can slowly disintegrate so I won't have another embolism attack.

In terms of exercise... I am trying to walk around my neighborhood almost every day. As for pets, I have a cute bird (a Cockatiel) that keeps me good company. It is very true that pets can indeed lift up ones spirits.

Thanks for your kind words and thoughts.

[Modus.Ponens]

I'm sorry to hear of your loss and your illness.

May you be free from suffering as soon as possible.

[VictoryInTruth]

Hi VictoryInTruth,

I'm so sorry to hear about your difficulties. My mother died from cancer, so I can understand how you are feeling.

Just take things very gently and give yourself some time to re-adjust.

Sending lots of good wishes for your health and happiness.

With metta,

Aloka

Thank you Aloka for your good wishes for my health and happiness. I am also sorry to hear of the loss of your mother and send my good thoughts her way. I will try my best to take things easier.

Thanks again

[VictoryInTruth]

Greetings Victory

Grief and illness really suck.
Be sure that you are in my thoughts.
However painful and difficult your situation, please do everything you can to look after yourself.
with metta,

Ben

Yes indeed... grief and illness can suck at times. Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts. I am trying my best to care for myself and not get sick again but kamma and other factors are at play here as to whether or not I will get sick again.

[VictoryInTruth]

I'm sorry to hear of your loss and your illness.

May you be free from suffering as soon as possible.

Thank you for your kind words. I too wish to be free of suffering very soon.