Practicing Celibacy - Advice needed

Exploring Theravāda's connections to other paths - what can we learn from other traditions, religions and philosophies?
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LG2V
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Re: Practicing Celibacy - Advice needed

Post by LG2V »

clw_uk,

It's great that you've decided to practice celibacy! I've been celibate for a little over a year now, and it's great. Some of the advantages include:

1.) A complete or near complete loss of insecurity about your physical appearance. You can save yourself so much stress by not having to agonize over your potential attractiveness any longer.

2.) An enormous reduction in the amount of personal drama in your life. I was amazed at how much of my personal conflicts in life were somehow sexuality/lust related.

3.) Stronger Sila (morality) and personal determination. This partially comes from developing the willpower to resist sexual urges, which will become very easy to subdue later on when you develop proficiency with the lifestyle. A large part of it also comes from no longer giving into herd mentalities in hopes of coitus. I no longer had to act according to sociocultural expectations (drinking in order to fit in, exaggerating parts of my personality to fit in with gender/ethnic norms, and other such silly things).

4.) Safety. You learn to just say no to bad ideas and bad people, since you've removed, in my experience, the main glue that binds oneself to unhealthy relationships. I became able to just say no to people who seemed as if they were going to cause me suffering down the line, regardless of their physical appearances.

5.) You save money. I eventually didn't need to go out that place with my friends or acquaintances. I eventually didn't need to buy that new thing because it's cool or whatever.

There are other great benefits as well.

There are definitely ways to make a celibate lifestyle a lot easier to maintain.

a.) My first line of advice would be to watch your diet. Avoid the five pungent spices (onions, garlic, etc) at all costs; doing so will reduce anger as well. Avoid coffee if you can. Don't overindulge in chocolate. This being said, I still eat a pizza, drink a frappuccino, or eat too many Hershey Bars from time to time, so fortunately there are other methods to be used in conjunction with dietary changes.

b.) Do body contemplation. A lot of it. It helps immensely; it also improves your meditation as well. The Vishuddhimagga has instructions on how to perform it, and it can be found online as a pdf fairly easily. The asubha meditations in general should help as well.

c.) Sense restraint. Avoiding unnecessary media like TV, Music, Books, & Movies for entertainment helps a great deal. Documentaries and educational programs are, for the most part, fine. I still read the news from time to time (although I'd mostly be better off without it).

d.) Supportive Companions. Even if it's just monks on youtube or mp3s giving Dhamma talks, it's nice to have constant reinforcement of your beliefs and values.


These should help you immensely. I started out with about three months of quasi-celibacy, and it was a very pleasant and positive experience. Had I been fully celibate, I would have avoided the vast majority of suffering that I endured during that period. About three months later, I decided to really go for it and made a vow to be celibate for a year. It was an excellent decision, and I'm glad that I did it. It's been a month since that year has passed, and I've "renewed my contract," and have decided to turn one year into two. Celibacy is a great experience; you feel so free. I would recommend it to everyone. I hope you have a great time living the Brahmacariya!


Metta,
LG2V
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Anagarika
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Re: Practicing Celibacy - Advice needed

Post by Anagarika »

Excellent post, LG2V. Another reason why I enjoy being a part of Dhamma Wheel...every so often, a really great post is made on a subject of interest or importance. You hit that one out of the park.
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LG2V
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Re: Practicing Celibacy - Advice needed

Post by LG2V »

BuddhaSoup wrote:Excellent post, LG2V. Another reason why I enjoy being a part of Dhamma Wheel...every so often, a really great post is made on a subject of interest or importance. You hit that one out of the park.
Thank you, BuddhaSoup. I'm glad that you like my post. :anjali:
Here are some excellent sites for giving free Dana (Click-Based Donation):
http://freerice.comhttp://greatergood.com/www.ripple.orgwww.thenonprofits.com
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mettafuture
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Re: Practicing Celibacy - Advice needed

Post by mettafuture »

The Satipathanna Sutta, among other suttas, outlines very systematic ways to overcome lust. By contemplating the unattractiveness of the body, and seeing the human form as a composite of elements, lust can be naturally curbed.
4. The Reflection on the Repulsiveness of the Body

And further, monks, a monk reflects on this very body enveloped by the skin and full of manifold impurity, from the soles up, and from the top of the head-hairs down, thinking thus: "There are in this body hair of the head, hair of the body, nails, teeth, skin, flesh, sinews, bones, marrow, kidney, heart, liver, midriff, spleen, lungs, intestines, mesentery, gorge, feces, bile, phlegm, pus, blood, sweat, fat, tears, grease, saliva, nasal mucus, synovial fluid, urine."

Just as if there were a double-mouthed provision bag full of various kinds of grain such as hill paddy, paddy, green gram, cow-peas, sesamum, and husked rice, and a man with sound eyes, having opened that bag, were to take stock of the contents thus: "This is hill paddy, this is paddy, this is green gram, this is cow-pea, this is sesamum, this is husked rice." Just so, monks, a monk reflects on this very body enveloped by the skin and full of manifold impurity, from the soles up, and from the top of the head-hairs down, thinking thus: "There are in this body hair of the head, hair of the body, nails, teeth, skin, flesh, sinews, bones, marrow, kidney, heart, liver, midriff, spleen, lungs, intestines, mesentery, gorge, feces, bile, phlegm, pus, blood, sweat, fat, tears, grease, saliva, nasal mucus, synovial fluid, urine."

Thus he lives contemplating the body in the body...

5. The Reflection on the Material Elements

And further, monks, a monk reflects on this very body, however it be placed or disposed, by way of the material elements: "There are in this body the element of earth, the element of water, the element of fire, the element of wind."[11]

Just as if, monks, a clever cow-butcher or his apprentice, having slaughtered a cow and divided it into portions, should be sitting at the junction of four high roads, in the same way, a monk reflects on this very body, as it is placed or disposed, by way of the material elements: "There are in this body the elements of earth, water, fire, and wind."
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convivium
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Re: Practicing Celibacy - Advice needed

Post by convivium »

ordain
Just keep breathing in and out like this. Don't be interested in anything else. It doesn't matter even if someone is standing on their head with their ass in the air. Don't pay it any attention. Just stay with the in-breath and the out-breath. Concentrate your awareness on the breath. Just keep doing it. http://www.ajahnchah.org/book/Just_Do_It_1_2.php
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Ceisiwr
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Re: Practicing Celibacy - Advice needed

Post by Ceisiwr »

convivium wrote:ordain

I plan to someday but I'm not ready yet
“Knowing that this body is just like foam,
understanding it has the nature of a mirage,
cutting off Māra’s flower-tipped arrows,
one should go beyond the King of Death’s sight.”
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convivium
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Re: Practicing Celibacy - Advice needed

Post by convivium »

So you're not ready to ordain, but are ready to abstain from the orgasm. How long have you done that before, if you don't mind my asking? Do you have a teacher that practices brahmacariya and supports you in cultivating it?
Just keep breathing in and out like this. Don't be interested in anything else. It doesn't matter even if someone is standing on their head with their ass in the air. Don't pay it any attention. Just stay with the in-breath and the out-breath. Concentrate your awareness on the breath. Just keep doing it. http://www.ajahnchah.org/book/Just_Do_It_1_2.php
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Zom
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Re: Practicing Celibacy - Advice needed

Post by Zom »

From my experience 2 things are extremely helpful in that:

1) Sense restraint practice. This was really hard for me (now somewhat easier), since I'm of lustful type of character - mind just glues to different attractive objects and thoughts and sometimes I forcefully and painfully turn it away from them. What is more difficult in my personal situation is that I'm married, but still, there is a possibility for me in this field of practice -) And, practising this quite a lot, I've realized, that if you do not keep up this important practice - moment will come and you'll fall back to sexual activity being not able to resist it any longer. So this is very very very important thing, that is, sense restraint. What is more - if you don't live alone, but have a partner, who is very sexually active and lustful - there is no way you can ever succeed.

2) Contemplation of unattractiveness - that is - "unclean" body parts and corpses (a lot of pictures in the i-net). This is a very powerful tool as well, but it should be undertaken with care. This kind of contemplation also helps well in establishing and deepening anatta perception.

And one big advice - do not rush into it all at once. Better to make slow steps here. Mind can't be cleansed of sexuality all at once - this is a gradual process.

:buddha2:
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Ceisiwr
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Re: Practicing Celibacy - Advice needed

Post by Ceisiwr »

convivium wrote:So you're not ready to ordain, but are ready to abstain from the orgasm. How long have you done that before, if you don't mind my asking? Do you have a teacher that practices brahmacariya and supports you in cultivating it?

Well abstaining from sex is just one of the restraints, I'm not ready to ordain because of social ties that I have at the moment

I tried before and I think I managed to maintain it for about 3 weeks (this was a few years ago) and I dont have a teacher as such, my nearest monastery is some distance from me
“Knowing that this body is just like foam,
understanding it has the nature of a mirage,
cutting off Māra’s flower-tipped arrows,
one should go beyond the King of Death’s sight.”
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Ceisiwr
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Re: Practicing Celibacy - Advice needed

Post by Ceisiwr »

So thought I would give some updates on my celibacy vow

I won't lie I have given in to masturbation, but far less than I did before

One of the things I have learnt, through being aware of sexual lust when it arises, is that it burns like a fire

The want to indulge in it burns, the being denied it burns

Yet its a fire that can be observed and allowed to go out on its own, ... and the cessation is peace.

Only when my mindfulness wanes does the "fire" get more intense and engulfs my mind (for example when I see a good looking guy and give into his "signs and features" instead of just being mindful of him).

However I have found my mindfulness has grown in strength, mostly through simply observing lust when it arises, maybe because lust is more "sharp" a condition and is more obvious (when your actively restraining).

I realise the "fire" metaphor is old, but it is the only metaphor that can describe my experience of the want to have sex

Anyway still striving to be completely celibate :)
“Knowing that this body is just like foam,
understanding it has the nature of a mirage,
cutting off Māra’s flower-tipped arrows,
one should go beyond the King of Death’s sight.”
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Ben
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Re: Practicing Celibacy - Advice needed

Post by Ben »

clw_uk wrote:One of the things I have learnt, through being aware of sexual lust when it arises, is that it burns like a fire
That it does.
clw_uk wrote:Anyway still striving to be completely celibate :)
Mudita on your noble efforts. When striving to overcome any craving, generating equanimity is key.
In the words of my teacher, "be aware, be equanimous."
When there is equanimity, there is no striving.
My apologies - I don't mean to sound like Yoda.
with metta,

Ben
“No lists of things to be done. The day providential to itself. The hour. There is no later. This is later. All things of grace and beauty such that one holds them to one's heart have a common provenance in pain. Their birth in grief and ashes.”
- Cormac McCarthy, The Road

Learn this from the waters:
in mountain clefts and chasms,
loud gush the streamlets,
but great rivers flow silently.
- Sutta Nipata 3.725

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Ceisiwr
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Re: Practicing Celibacy - Advice needed

Post by Ceisiwr »

Mudita on your noble efforts. When striving to overcome any craving, generating equanimity is key.
In the words of my teacher, "be aware, be equanimous."
When there is equanimity, there is no striving.
I completely agree, its similar to the teachings I have heard from the monks at Amaravati

The trap is falling into aversion from sex, instead of observing it
My apologies - I don't mean to sound like Yoda.
with metta,
Your talking to a hardcore Star Wars fan, Yoda is cool :jedi: lol
“Knowing that this body is just like foam,
understanding it has the nature of a mirage,
cutting off Māra’s flower-tipped arrows,
one should go beyond the King of Death’s sight.”
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Ceisiwr
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Re: Practicing Celibacy - Advice needed

Post by Ceisiwr »

The trap is falling into aversion from sex, instead of observing it
Should say thats observing the craving, not the sex :rofl: :shock:
“Knowing that this body is just like foam,
understanding it has the nature of a mirage,
cutting off Māra’s flower-tipped arrows,
one should go beyond the King of Death’s sight.”
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Ben
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Re: Practicing Celibacy - Advice needed

Post by Ben »

clw_uk wrote:
The trap is falling into aversion from sex, instead of observing it
Should say thats observing the craving, not the sex :rofl: :shock:
Its cool, Craig, I knew what you meant!
with metta,

Ben
“No lists of things to be done. The day providential to itself. The hour. There is no later. This is later. All things of grace and beauty such that one holds them to one's heart have a common provenance in pain. Their birth in grief and ashes.”
- Cormac McCarthy, The Road

Learn this from the waters:
in mountain clefts and chasms,
loud gush the streamlets,
but great rivers flow silently.
- Sutta Nipata 3.725

Compassionate Hands Foundation (Buddhist aid in Myanmar) • Buddhist Global ReliefUNHCR

e: [email protected]..
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Ceisiwr
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Re: Practicing Celibacy - Advice needed

Post by Ceisiwr »

Also one thing I have found useful is a teaching I read from a monk (sadly I have forgot his name), which is that when it comes down to it, "sex is just the transmission of bodily fluid and bacteria"

Paraphrased
“Knowing that this body is just like foam,
understanding it has the nature of a mirage,
cutting off Māra’s flower-tipped arrows,
one should go beyond the King of Death’s sight.”
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