How do you deal with emotionally needy people?

Exploring Theravāda's connections to other paths - what can we learn from other traditions, religions and philosophies?
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lyndon taylor
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Re: How do you deal with emotionally needy people?

Post by lyndon taylor »

Sorry, duck fiasco, big misunderstanding; I was in complete agreement with your statement and should have mentioned that, I was still repying to the OP and Alan's sentiment.
18 years ago I made one of the most important decisions of my life and entered a local Cambodian Buddhist Temple as a temple boy and, for only 3 weeks, an actual Therevada Buddhist monk. I am not a scholar, great meditator, or authority on Buddhism, but Buddhism is something I love from the Bottom of my heart. It has taught me sobriety, morality, peace, and very importantly that my suffering is optional, and doesn't have to run my life. I hope to give back what little I can to the Buddhist community, sincerely former monk John

http://trickleupeconomictheory.blogspot.com/
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Vern Stevens
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Re: How do you deal with emotionally needy people?

Post by Vern Stevens »

There is a set of skills used in Crisis Negotiations (and also similar skills used in business negotiations) referred to as "Active Listening Skills" (ALS). It may be helpful to employ these techniques when someone you know is emotionally off-balance and they can sometimes bring a person back to a state of reasoning. Not only can these skills be useful for "crisis" situations, but they are useful skills to develop in your everyday life and/or for forum usage. I've attended two different Crisis Negotiation schools, one put on by the FBI and one put on by a local police department based on the FBI's training and I found these skills to be very useful and practical. However, like most skills, they need development and they can be perishable.

Here is a VERY brief summary of concept of Active Listening Skills;

http://www.taftcollege.edu/lrc/class/as ... isten.html

It seems to be pretty difficult to find a fuller explanation of ALS on the internet, particular in the form that Crisis Negotiators use it. Book form provides a more comprehensive guide.

Additionally, a man named Marshall Rosenberg wrote about Non-Violent Communication (NVC);

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nonviolent_Communication

Based on my understanding, I find NVC is very much in line with Right Speech and provides a nuts and bolts approach to this communication form.

But, it is important to note what has been mentioned above, you may not be the right fix for a given person. Some people are beyond lay help in their issues. I agree with your desire to be compassionate, but for most of us, there has to be a point at which we determine we cannot be of help to a person and that we cannot let them damage us. Some people need more professional help, and they have to either be willing to do it, or be made to do it depending on how harmful their emotional difficulties are.

I hope this is useful.
“What we think, we become.“ - The Buddha
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Zenainder
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Re: How do you deal with emotionally needy people?

Post by Zenainder »

catlady2112 wrote:Everyone goes through hard times, and I try to help friends when things happens, but recently I have woken up to the fact that there are people in my life who talk endlessly about their problems and don't seem to want to take actions or suggestions. I find this type of interaction exhausting and fruitless.

I am not skilled like the Buddha in using my speech to help people like this.

I can't find any sutta's that talk about this kind of challenge in dealing with this kind of person.

Any tips?
Never mind your conditioned thoughts, sit and listen. ;)

Be present for your friend and be mindful of YOUR conditioned thoughts as well. It may not be your friend that is exhausting, it could be a certain internal view affecting your disposition. Be mindful and be a friend. Continue in your meritious work of being present for your friend.

Many years ago I had a friend that fretted and fretted. She ate, live, and slept and made other worry warts look tranquil. One day amongst her unecessary worrying I calmly looked at her and asked her a question:
"I've known you for many years and every single situation in your life has worked out in some way. And every time a variable in your life arises you fret it, regardless of things cyclically working out for you, why?"
[Blank stare and a nod with admitted shame]
"Has your fretting gained you anything? An hour? Or minute? Has it ended anything sooner or later?"
["No"]
"You're a woman of faith, breath out your prayers and be at peace. It will work out, as it always does. The stress you're enduring is not worth time you're losing and unnecessary. Besides, peace is more fun."

Despite my good timing, the little impact that conversation had was swallowed later by a worry that arose the following day. As you cling to what you cling to, so do others each to their own measure of ignorance. Best we can do is our own effort and be at peace with ourselves and others. The glimpses of time that we have with others that results in meaningful inspiration are tiny windows. Selfless love shrugs at the discrepancies of our former ideals.

Most of the time suffering beings find temporary alleviation in a listening ear and a warm hug.
binocular
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Re: How do you deal with emotionally needy people?

Post by binocular »

Another suggestion: read up on "idiot compassion."
Plenty of resources on that on the web, from various perspectives.
Hic Rhodus, hic salta!
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